Not Happy at All

[WalkingLiberty]

Here's my situation:

Soon after we were married, my wife "came out" to me and told me she was asexual and aromantic. She said she loved me but wasn't, and couldn't be "in love" with me. She told me that she was willing to have sex with me even though sex didn't "mean the same thing" to her as it means to me. She also told me that she finds masturbation to be far more satisfying to her than sex with me (she said it was 'nothing personal' but that, for her, sex with another person was never as gratifying to her as self gratification.)

I read some stories and articles about asexuality and realized that what my wife was telling me wasn't uncommon at all. My wife told me that she was delighted that I cared enough about her to try and learn about her and her special sexual orientation.

I love my wife, but I HATE the fact that she's asexual. I know I can't change her but it all seems so frustrating and dissatisfying to me. It puts me into a totally negative mood about our relationship and when I express my feelings and frustrations to her she tells me that she feels as if I'm attacking her and that I'm being super negative.

I'm not going to try to go into all the details here, but I have a girlfriend who is definitely NOT asexual. Sex with her is very different than sex with my wife because my girlfriend is totally into having sex with me whereas my wife acts like she's doing me a favor by having sex with me.

I'm very physically attracted to my girlfriend and sex with her is great -- but I'm even more attracted to my wife. In fact, no one has ever turned me on like my wife does. It's just so depressing to me that I can't turn my wife on physically or romantically the way she turns me on.

I thought the solution was to break things off with my wife and be with my girlfriend exclusively, but my wife just won't let me go. My wife can be very emotionally intense and whenever I've tried to break things off with her she resists so strongly that it just isn't worth it.

Basically, I'm trapped in a marriage that is unsatisfying to me. My girlfriend doesn't like that I'm married and my wife doesn't like that I have a girlfriend. They are both super jealous and the whole thing is such a drag for me.

Neither one is willing to give me up but neither one is happy about sharing me with the other. It's all very frustrating to me.

I can't really express my frustrations to either of them so I'm hoping I can share the feelings I have here. I guess I'm just looking for a little understanding.

I know I can't turn my wife into something she's not, but I also know that it's a real blow to my ego to know that she only has sex with me to placate me rather than actually desiring me of her own accord.

My wife wants me to break up with my girlfriend, but she doesn't realize how important it is to me to be able to really turn a woman on both physically and emotionally. My girlfriend is super turned on by me but she hates that I'm married and that she has to be the "other woman". Neither one is willing to back away. Some people might think it's fun to have two women love me so devotedly, but it's actually a pain in the ass.

I guess I just need a place to vent!

 

[FallenAngelina]

Basically, I'm trapped in a marriage that is unsatisfying to me.

There's a lot to respond to here, but I'll just say that you're never trapped. You may feel trapped right now, but you really are not. Your life is always up to you. ALWAYS. I don't see this as a poly issue so much as a turning point in your life, a place you've come to in which you need to make choices about what is essential and what is untenable. We often aren't even aware of our priorities until we literally come face to face with them, as you have with your wife and your girlfriend. This is about your choices for your life, not about making these women happy.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

My wife can be very emotionally intense and whenever I've tried to break things off with her she resists so strongly that it just isn't worth it.

Could you be willing to clarify?

What is preventing you from downloading the forms, filling them out, and going to court house to file for divorce? (Where only you want to split?)

Is it that you are hoping to get her to agree to go file the divorce together? (where both want to divorce.) And you are not yet ready to let that idea go?

Divorce is never fun, and of course there will be emotions for both parties. If you are unhappy in the marriage, I think you need to do what is best for you and let the marriage legally end. It sounds like you re not happy within it. She's asexual, but that that doesn't turn you on. You guys are not compatible. You want to leave the marriage in order to free yourself from the mismatch. Then each of you can move on to the healing place. If you want to linger, linger THERE.

Don't choose to be lingering in this unhappy place you are in now.

Galagirl

 

[opalescent]

Soon after we were married, my wife "came out" to me and told me she was asexual and aromantic. She said she loved me but wasn't, and couldn't be "in love" with me. She told me that she was willing to have sex with me even though sex didn't "mean the same thing" to her as it means to me. She also told me that she finds masturbation to be far more satisfying to her than sex with me (she said it was 'nothing personal' but that, for her, sex with another person was never as gratifying to her as self gratification.)
....
I love my wife, but I HATE the fact that she's asexual. I know I can't change her but it all seems so frustrating and dissatisfying to me. It puts me into a totally negative mood about our relationship and when I express my feelings and frustrations to her she tells me that she feels as if I'm attacking her and that I'm being super negative.

I'm not going to try to go into all the details here, but I have a girlfriend who is definitely NOT asexual. Sex with her is very different than sex with my wife because my girlfriend is totally into having sex with me whereas my wife acts like she's doing me a favor by having sex with me.

I'm very physically attracted to my girlfriend and sex with her is great -- but I'm even more attracted to my wife. In fact, no one has ever turned me on like my wife does. It's just so depressing to me that I can't turn my wife on physically or romantically the way she turns me on.

I thought the solution was to break things off with my wife and be with my girlfriend exclusively, but my wife just won't let me go. My wife can be very emotionally intense and whenever I've tried to break things off with her she resists so strongly that it just isn't worth it.

Basically, I'm trapped in a marriage that is unsatisfying to me. My girlfriend doesn't like that I'm married and my wife doesn't like that I have a girlfriend. They are both super jealous and the whole thing is such a drag for me.

Neither one is willing to give me up but neither one is happy about sharing me with the other. It's all very frustrating to me.

I can't really express my frustrations to either of them so I'm hoping I can share the feelings I have here. I guess I'm just looking for a little understanding.

I know I can't turn my wife into something she's not, but I also know that it's a real blow to my ego to know that she only has sex with me to placate me rather than actually desiring me of her own accord.

My wife wants me to break up with my girlfriend, but she doesn't realize how important it is to me to be able to really turn a woman on both physically and emotionally. My girlfriend is super turned on by me but she hates that I'm married and that she has to be the "other woman". Neither one is willing to back away. Some people might think it's fun to have two women love me so devotedly, but it's actually a pain in the ass.

I have to also agree with FallenAngelina that you are not actually trapped. Well, more accurately, you've trapped yourself. You don't want to hurt anyone and that's understandable, if horribly misguided. At some point, we have to hurt the people we love because they need to hear our truth. Truth is often painful both to speak and to hear. Your wife does not want to hear that you are miserable, that what she can offer you sexually is destroying you emotionally and mentally, that it is not enough. She does not want to hear that you two are fundamentally incompatible.

That's the sad facts. You and your wife are not compatible as married people despite everyone's best efforts (she offering to have sex she didn't want with you, you learning about and respecting her asexuality). There is nothing wrong with you wanting sex with her and there is nothing wrong with her for being uninterested in sex or romance. It's a good thing that you want to be desired and have your partner show desire and turn on back to you. And it's your wife's innate nature to not want those things or be unable to offer them to you. No one is 'wrong' here. But you two are not 'right' for each other either. You deserve a partner who wants to fuck you, who desires you and shows you her turn on. She deserves a partner who matches, and wants, what she has to give. There are asexual, aromantic people out there who want to be in relationships.

How long have you been married? Do you have children together? Is one of you financially dependent on the other?

You are not trapped. You have chosen - unconsciously or consciously - to put the needs of others (your wife, your girlfriend) above what you need. While it is understandable that your wife gets terribly upset at any mention of breaking up, breaking up is a one person job. The other person doesn't get a say. That's the horrible - and sometimes life-saving - thing about breakups. They only require one person. However you may not yet be willing to break up with your wife. You care about her deeply obviously. But if you are honest with yourself, you will get to a point where you will have to choose between your happiness and hers. Choose you. Ironically choosing the happiness of others results in both their misery and our own. You will have the opportunity to find a partner that suits you and so will she.

Perhaps your girlfriend will be that new partner in life that your wife cannot be. Perhaps not. Clearly she wants to be. However, assuming you do ultimately break up with your wife, I urge you to take some time to figure out you, to know who you are. I see hints of someone who wants to make everyone happy but does not know yet fully who you are.

I wish you, and your wife and your girlfriend well. This is a very tough situation for everyone.

 

[IndieSolo]

I thought the solution was to break things off with my wife and be with my girlfriend exclusively, but my wife just won't let me go. My wife can be very emotionally intense and whenever I've tried to break things off with her she resists so strongly that it just isn't worth it.

Basically, I'm trapped in a marriage that is unsatisfying to me.

How is this even possible? All you need to do is serve her the papers for a divorce. I didn't want to divorce my ex but he filed the papers anyway. WTF? I've never been able to trick or convince anyone who wanted to break up with me, to stay. All the protesting and cajoling in the world can't actually trap you in a situation you aren't happy with. If you really want to leave a relationship, you leave it.

 

[WalkingLiberty]

Thanks for responding!

I'm glad I posted. I guess I need to hear people tell me that it's OK for me to want what I want and that I don't have to apologize for it.

I think it's hard for my wife to remember that the fact that she's found the "ideal relationship" doesn't mean I have. Her needs are much less than mine. It's easy for me to satisfy her but she isn't able to satisfy me. I really, truly think that she doesn't "get" how totally frustrated I am.

And yes, as you all seem to be able to tell, I *do* love her deeply. The thought of hurting her, and the thought of not being able to care about her and be good to her and to make her happy is almost unbearable to me.

I've heard you all just say something that I've heard before which is that I can't concern myself, merely, with other people's happiness and need to consider my own happiness as well. The trouble is that making other people happy, and especially the women in my life (my daughter, my mother, my wife, my girlfriend, my sister, my other female friends) is what makes *me* happy. I'm happy making people happy and I'm unhappy making people unhappy.

My girlfriend says I should just dump my wife and not worry about what she feels about it, and my wife says I should just dump my girlfriend and not worry about how she feels about it. Neither of them are thinking about the fact that I'm just not like that. I can't deliberately hurt either of them.

Frankly, if I *could* be truly selfish I'd wish for them to both find happy lives thousands of miles away from me. Speaking selfishly, I'd like to have a vacation from sex and romance. Failing that, I'd wish that they could each be "chill" about my efforts to make the other happy.

My wife wants snuggles and cuddles and soft kisses and caresses and I'm totally happy giving her all of that. I *like* cuddling and behind cuddled. That would work out perfectly if my wife understood why it's important for me to get together regularly with my girlfriend so she can tie me up and ravage me. (Believe me, when my gf and I are being sexual with each other neither is doing the other a "favor". That's what makes it so fantastic!!!)

 

[GalaGirl]

Frankly, if I *could* be truly selfish I'd wish for them to both find happy lives thousands of miles away from me.

You seem to only have two toggles rather than all 3 toggles on the spectrum. I see it as

Selfish ---- self full -- self less

Selfish = memememe! I want everyone focus on me and neglect themselves.

Selfless =themthemthem! I want to focus on everyone else and neglect me.

Those are the tilted ends of the see-saw -- both unhealthy in different ways. People tend to "admire" selflessness like it's a virtue but it is not. And it's not healthy.

The balanced place in the middle is self full. Where you take care of your own needs first, so you don't burn out or get spread too thin. Then you are free to gift others your help in meeting their reasonable and rational needs.

Much like you put your own oxygen mask on first in an airplane problem.

If you are selfless and help everyone else and neglect your mask -- you die from no air.

If you are selfish and hog all the masks for you when only 1 is needed -- everyone else dies from no air.

If you put on your own first, then you can help everyone around you without keeling over. If EVERYONE took care of themselves first and then helped others, everyone on the plane would have a mask on in a short amount of time. It is not selfish to meet your own needs first. It is NECESSARY.

If what you really want is to break up with both wife and GF and take a long break from relationships? You could do so.

the thought of not being able to care about her and be good to her and to make her happy is almost unbearable to me.

You are not willing and able to do these things as her friend?

• Care for her
• be good to her
• contribute to her happiness

Have you considered that in not being willing to "hurt wife" in the short term, you are actually hurting her more long term?

Right now you two are not compatible. A divorce is not you doing something TO her. It is releasing you both from something that is not a good fit for BOTH.

You are not happy in the marriage.

• By being unwilling to end it, you do not free yourself.
• You also do not free her to seek and find a new partner for marriage who is deeply compatible. Why short change her this opportunity to have a spouse who really wants to be there?

How is you offering your wife (incompatible marriage with you who is totally negative mood about the relationship because she's asexual)

better

than offering you both (freedom to seek and find a deeply compatible partners while remaining friends)?

I see in the short term it makes her happy not to have to deal with the thought of divorce being the best option. But I don't see how you staying would help make her long term happy.

Staying there stinks for you short AND long term. You already know this.

Breaking it off stinks for both of you short term, but could become better in the long term.

I suggest you consider going for long term health and well being. Even if getting there means some short term stink. Go for improvements -- not more of "ugh" same. Aim for hopefulness. Take action.

Then perhaps you will feel less "trapped."

I encourage you to consider going to the courthouse and quietly file papers at this point in time.

The other choice is to do nothing at this time, and wait until stress/resentments build up even more and that motivates you to go file at that point in time because you cannot stand any more.

Her asexuality is what it is. It just doesn't turn you on or do it for you.

That isn't something you guys are going to "work out."

I wish I could think of other things... but I really don't see any other choices in this situation.

I am sorry.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

That would work out perfectly if my wife understood why it's important for me to get together regularly with my girlfriend so she can tie me up and ravage me. (Believe me, when my gf and I are being sexual with each other neither is doing the other a "favor". That's what makes it so fantastic!!!)

More marriages than you probably imagine have this kind of quiet arrangement and yes, it would be great if your wife and your girlfriend were amenable to this - but they are not. Is other people's happiness really your main goal in life? If it were, this situation would not hurt you as it does. I'm gonna take a wild guess that Opalescent hit exactly upon your top priority, so you've got some internal work to do so that you can drop the albatross of duty to all of these women and embrace what you truly want.

You deserve a partner who wants to fuck you

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings WalkingLiberty,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

So sorry that you are trapped in such a frustrating situation.

Re (from WalkingLiberty):

"I'm happy making people happy and I'm unhappy making people unhappy."

And re (also from WalkingLiberty):

"Neither one is willing to give me up but neither one is happy about sharing me with the other."

Sounds to me like the current situation is making both women unhappy. So no wonder you're not happy.

What can we do to help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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