not really sure

[justanewbie]

So I have been lurking around here, reading everyone stories for a couple months now. Well now I have something, I would like to get some outside opinions on my story. My husband and I Chuck have been married for 3 years and we started off mono. My husband is poly and this is not his first poly interaction, I however have alway been mono. I decided after sometime of thinking about being sexual with girls I decided poly was something I wanted to try. I thought of several reasons why this would work. Logically thinking poly is an amazing concept. My husband is very much Poly and can have compersion, I on the other hand have a hard time accepting him wanting someone else. My husband and I discussed what we thought was best and after several changes and agreements we decided we were looking for a closed triad. We had our ups and downs with our first gf, and found out we just werent a good match. So we met another girl, she seemed very respectful to our relationship. She was new to poly as well and so we started off with what seemed newness for everyone. The new gf Sandy seemed very eager to hang out with both of us and we all got along well. The sex was good, the first time and all seemed really fun. After that she started making trips to our town every weekend on the off chance we would get to hang out with her. My husband went out of town and when she conviently was in town again i offered to let her stay at my house. During this time her and I spent the weekend together. I was very put off by her. The whole weekend didnt go the way I wanted. Date was a disaster and while having sex with her all I could think about was my husband, and how I didnt want to be there without him. I talked to my hubby and told him I was not ready for him to have alone time with her yet and he understood. I did not however express this to Sandy and kind of put her off for a bit. During this time she gravitated more towards my husband and they were talking more and flirting and sexting. Then I found out from my husband that she was trying to schedule alone time with him while i was at work. This was the first time she did not talk to me first. I asked her about that day and she didnt mention that she was tryng to plan something with him. My husband did not say no but said he was busy, she tried a couple times to hang out and he again said he couldn't because he was busy. After he said no for the 3rd time she asked me if we wanted to hang out. The next day i asked her why it seemed like she was talking and gravitating towards Chuck and she said she liked me so much that she was afraid to talk to me as much. I then asked her why she didnt mention she was trying to meet up alone with him and she replied that is because i wanted to surprise you being kinky with him when you got home. This she did not mention to him, did not ask him about. She just tried to get him alone. Does this seem wierd to you? I like you more so i talk to him. I wanted to surprise you with being with him while you didnt know about it? This all seemed off to me, is this something i should be ok with? Am I tripping on dumb stuff? Please help

 

[Tinwen]

First of all, what is really off is this:

I talked to my hubby and told him I was not ready for him to have alone time with her yet and he understood. I did not however express this to Sandy and kind of put her off for a bit.

You make some rule about her, and don't tell her. This is not very honest or respectful.
You can't make any judgements about her scheduling alone time with him, if she doesn't know she is not supposed to have alone time with him. Also, you rob her of information which may be important in her decision to get involved with you or not.

Second, you may greatly benefit from reading this article:
http://unicorns-r-us.com/
From the web:

A "unicorn" is a beautiful (of course!), single polyamorous woman willing to be sexually and romantically involved equally with both members of a couple in a closed relationship. The unicorn is expected to be with both of them, and will not be allowed to have any other partners.

This is one of the most sought-after arrangements when a couple new to polyamory looks to open their relationship. Couples usually discover such a woman is almost impossible to find. This Web site explains why.

 

[justanewbie]

Yeah I know I was not very fair in the not talking to her. I know I should have been more open with her. I did not want anyone outside of my husband to see my insecurites. I very much try to put on a strong front, but falling apart. I did not want anyone to see me weak. I have looked into unicorns and that was not something I thought I want. When we decided to go open I wanted the other person to have as much say as everyone else. I did not want to dictate what the other person could and could not bring into the relationship. I know I shoud be ok with certain things like alone time and such but its still hard for me. I however have started to wonder about myself and the poly situation. I dont want a unicorn but I also dont think at this point im being fair. I understand this, I am trying to take responsibility for my feeling and actions.

 

[Dagferi]

Are you trying to use her as a sex toy. People are not things you try out to spice up your marriage.

Or are you trying to destroy your marriage?

No self respecting sane woman is going to play with a unicorn hunting couple. You may have found yourself a woman who may be able to now destroy your marriage. You may have found tossing a cowgirl.

Smart/healthy poly couples don't couple date.

 

[Tinwen]

Edit: Crossposting. I believe you have good intentions, ok?

I have looked into unicorns and that was not something I thought I want. When we decided to go open I wanted the other person to have as much say as everyone else. I did not want to dictate what the other person could and could not bring into the relationship.

Obviously not all couples will have all the rules which are mentioned in the unicorn articles. I'll just tell you why I get the impression, ok?

Logically thinking poly is an amazing concept. My husband is very much Poly and can have compersion, I on the other hand have a hard time accepting him wanting someone else.

You agree to have a huge lot of insecurities and not be emotionally ok with poly yet. But you already decided on your favourite "open" model and you are already searching for a partner.

My husband and I discussed what we thought was best and after several changes and agreements we decided we were looking for a closed triad.

This is the basic unicorn assumption. You tell the girl she has to be closed with you and involved with both of you.

We had our ups and downs with our first gf, and found out we just werent a good match.

Here we go again, a shared girlfriend. BTW, the article explains well why it is so difficult to find someone who is a good match for both people of the couple.

The next day i asked her why it seemed like she was talking and gravitating towards Chuck

So her having perhaps more feelings for him is wrong?
... and then the issue of alone time. You say you can see where you are being unfair there.

Read the article. Preferably all of you. Some things will not apply, but some will.

I however have started to wonder about myself and the poly situation. I dont want a unicorn but I also dont think at this point im being fair. I understand this, I am trying to take responsibility for my feeling and actions.

It's ok to have whatever feelings you have. It's ok if poly is not for you.
However I think you cannot tell at this point. You place very much expectations not only on potentials but on yourself too. If you are afraid, don't do it yet. You can babystep your way.

As for your original question, I think your potential is making beginner mistakes too. She may not be entirely honest either, but there is really no way to tell just from your writing.

 

[justanewbie]

i dont think I'm using her as a sex toy, and I dont think I need to spice up my marriage. My marriage is awesome and I love everything about it. I wanted to try poly, not destroy my marriage. I dont see where you are really going with the destroying my marriage or saying no sane couple dates in couples. Does noboby believe that you can have a closed triad, how come when that is mentioned everyone goes into a unicorn hunting attack. I started with good intentions, I do know that my actions during my transition doesnt sound that way but it was. My marriage can't be destroyed we are strong enough to get past anything, if someone wants to try that would be their problem. I do understand I messed up with not being open with her, it was to soon. I know that in this world I am not perfect I'm not even sure i belong here. I understand that not everything i say is fair or right but that is where i come from. This now seems like instead of getting advice on my issue I'm just defending myself. I am more then willing to answer any questions but please remember I'm very new to this and just trying to do the right thing.

 

[justanewbie]

Thank you Tinwen, I appriciate your information. Thank you for the article, I did read it and I know why you get that impression. I understand why people think I'm a unicorn hunter, and I wonder it myself. We did not tell someone they had to like us both, I understand that is not always going to happen. I understand all of this but fight it completely. I dont want to be a unicorn hunter but I do think i might be. I like the group stuff so maybe thats all that i am. The alone stuff is my problem. I have a hard time with it, and have reverted back to baby steps. We are taking things slower and working on my own issues. However the whole situation made me feel like i was going crazy, is this how its supposed to be. If she would of just said she like him more, or that she didnt know she should talk to me first then that would of been different. The part that bothered me was her answers to everything was so much well thats only cause i like you so much more. That sounded like bs to me which made me wonder if there was more to it.

 

[IndieSolo]

But why should she talk to you first, if she's in a relationship with both of you? Are you the warden of your husband, the gate-keeper she must seek permission from? If that is the case, you are just using her.

 

[justanewbie]

I am only going off of history, in the past she has mentioned it to me. In that sense she was always very respectful about singular stuff, I did not ask she did on her own. She would tell me when she was flirting with him or having deep conversations. She mentioned them and I encouraged their relationship. She and I kept talking, but things were off. This was after the alone time with her and I. I never told her she needed to run everything by me I am not the gate keeper. I know that I should of told her I was struggling and not just him. He knew I needed more time for their alone time and he was ok and supported me. If she would of said she didn't think she needed to tell me that would of been ok, I was not ok with the I was trying to surprise you. That to me feels like a cope out and that is what is bugging me.

 

[Tinwen]

The part that bothered me was her answers to everything was so much well thats only cause i like you so much more. That sounded like bs to me which made me wonder if there was more to it.

It may well be nonsense. No other way to find out then have a honest conversation with her or both. You can confess that you are bothered by alone time, and you can ask about what she actually wants.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello justanewbie,

You can't make your current girlfriend be honest with you, but you can be honest with her. It is time to come clean and admit to her that you aren't ready for her and Chuck to be alone together just the two of them. And that you don't know when you'll be ready (if ever?). Maybe setting the right example will encourage her to do likewise, though that's not guaranteed.

And maybe if she can't be alone with Chuck, then she will want to break up with both of you. But that can't be helped if you want to be honest.

Do you believe in poly just in your mind, or is your heart in it too? Do you want to be okay with him and her being alone together just them two? Are you doing anything specific to be okay with that?

Things to think about.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[IndieSolo]

I think you should just rip the Band-Aid off and accept that they can be alone with each other if and when they want to. You're a grown-up in grown-up relationships, and it isn't your place to supervise your husband's relationships with other people. This is poly, not swinging. Deal with your feelings and get on with it.

 

[tenK]

I think you're giving her mixed messages. You and she changed the usual way that you met when you guys had alone time without him. In her shoes, I would then understand it to be fine for me to have alone time with him as well. Given that you presumably ran your plans for alone time just by each other, and you then checked in with your husband about whether he was okay with that, in her shoes, I would expect that I only need run plans by the person I was planning to meet, and trust that the third party is informed by their spouse. Again, this is a 'procedure' if you will, that you instigated. Sounds like you were the ones to switch it all up, and there should be no mystery about why she's stopped checking in with you so often.

Also, you said that the alone time you girls had didn't actually go very well. You felt weird about having sex with her solo and were kind of turned off of her a little bit. In her shoes, I think I would have picked up vibes about that, and assumed that perhaps you weren't quite as into me as I am you. I think it's only natural to invest in relationships where your affection is reciprocated. Perhaps she is really still into you, but nursing a bit of a feeling of rejection from you based on how you acted when it was just the two of you. The fact that you are not willing to talk to her about your feelings would also lead me to that conclusion. I understand not wanting to bare your insecurities to a stranger, but this is meant to be someone you are becoming emotionally close to - that kind of bond requires the ability to be vulnerable and to speak your truth honestly, and you seem reluctant to do that with her. This would be a big signal to me that you are not okay with the relationship, and that you'd prefer to keep me at arms length. Your husband on the other hand, well, at least he doesn't ignore messages about proposed dates or cut her off. He conveys his willingness to participate, and isn't just giving her the cold shoulder or harbouring negative feelings about some line she has unknowingly transgressed. Given the choice between approaching those two different people (open, positive) or (closed, negative) who would you be chasing for your next date?

 

[justanewbie]

Sorry I did not mention, I did talk to her. After the fact I talked to her about my feelings. When I asked her why she gravitated more to him. I was completely honest with her and how I felt. I told her that the excuse she had seemed sketchy but I understood that it was a misunderstanding. I also told her I should have been more open with her. I do believe the alone time is like a band aid I do need to rip it off. I want to rip it off, and plan on doing do if we continue on with the poly thing. I told my husband that the band aid could come off, but I needed more time because of our schedule and my emotional state during that time. Right now I dont know if I feel poly just in mind or also in heart. I used to think I was more equiped for this, but lately been rethinking. I have started to journal and see a counselor. My issues come more from my childhood and I am working on pin pointing that and how it affects my relationships with people.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi justanewbie,

So, you did tell your (current) girlfriend that you were having issues about her being alone with your husband? If you did, that might help explain her disingenuous excuses for bypassing you.

It sounds like you have some baggage to unpack. I commend you for recognizing that, and taking steps to unpack it (such as journaling, and seeing a counselor).

If you'll keep posting here about your situation, we'll be able to think of additional advice and feedback for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

I do believe the alone time is like a band aid I do need to rip it off.

You have choice here. I don't think it has to go all at once. It can for sure, if that is your way to do things, but I don't like "just do it and deal with it" stuff. May be an effective way, or may be a shock which causes you never to try again.

You could specify what triggers you first. (You don't have to tell me, just find out.) Like, I suppose you don't have a problem with his alone time with friends. Why with her? Is it alone sex? Or is it alone romance? And what feeling, do you fear he'll like her better? Do you feel losing control?

There was a great article about jealousy, I don't remember which one, but it suggested to use your imagination to find out about triggers. Just imagine them going on a date. Imagine them meeting. Hugging and kissing to say hello. Watching a movie together. Talking about feelings. Having sex and going to sleep in the same bed. Him saying goodbye and coming next morning back to you. Everytime you get an uncomfortable feeling, stop to experience it - you'll find what is a problem and what isn't.

Also, you could find other ways around it. In my experience participating in sex positive events (and cuddling someone outside the couple ) helps with the feeling that you are missing out over time. You could have a look into the swinging lifestyle for example, or into kinky or tantra comunities. You could each cuddle with different people, and see if that is a problem. Or, you could watch him cuddle with someone across the room without you being involved and see if that is a problem (I might get more jealous then if they were alone, lol).
But your ways and triggers might be different.