not so noob newb

S

Stazz

New member
Hi, everyone, from Hampton Roads (Collective name of the cities of SE Virginia). My wife and I are new, but not so new to the lifestyle. The only way to explain it is with a long-winded background.

Background:
My wife and I are high school sweethearts that have been together for 16 years now. We were each other's first and everything for many years. She was bi-curious but never explored that side of her before we got married. I encouraged her and helped her break the ice with a mutual friend in 2009 and she had her first lesbian experience. It was a short fling and they remain good friends. Over the years she had a few other short flings with other women and I was never involved in those relationships. This is how we are not so new to the lifestyle, we just didn't have a word for it, yet.

She was giving up on the whole bi-sexual life last year as she didn't have any real connections, they were few and far between, and she felt that it wasn't an example to show our young kids. I supported her, but knew she wasn't going to be happy, and got her to try tinder. She did and met her girlfriend in June.

Her girlfriend was not poly and couldn't see how a relationship would work between them and me and my wife. So we tried the Triad arrangement and did our research and learned that my wife and I were technically Poly-mono for 10 years at that point. So we all had our fun as a group and individuals and confirmed we could handle it.

Then the NRE ran dry between me and my wife's girlfriend. She is mostly lesbian and we couldn't force the romantic feelings. We remain good friends and my wife enjoys a romantic relationship with her. But as their relationship grows, my wife doesn't want me to be left out of things and bitter. So she told me to go meet people on my own and do my thing. Whether its make new friends or something more.

So now we know we are poly and are exploring the ins and outs. We prefer "kitchen table" poly, which means that we want everyone to be comfortable enough to all hang out together as friends and have dinner.
 
Stazz said:
Hi, everyone, from Hampton Roads (collective name of the cities of SE Virginia). My wife and I are new, but not so new to the lifestyle.
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Welcome to the board!

The only way to explain it is with a long-winded background.
Click to expand...

We like details. The more we know, the better we can give advice! Sometimes we make mistakes in advice when we don't understand the situation correctly! BTW, please read our Guidelines. We suggest you choose names for your SOs and metamours. It makes your story easier to read. I am going to call your wife Jade and her gf Sasha. You can choose something else, of course.

Background: Jade and I are high school sweethearts that have been together for 16 years now. We were each other's first and everything for many years. Jade was bi-curious, but never explored that side of herself before we got married. I encouraged her, helped her break the ice with a mutual friend in 2009, and she had her first lesbian experience. It was a short fling and they remain good friends. Over the years she had a few other short flings with other women. I was never involved in those relationships. This is how we are not so new to the lifestyle, we just didn't have a word for it, yet.
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Many of us here don't like to have polyamory referred to as a lifestyle. I know swingers refer to swinging in code as "The Lifestyle." We may think of poly more as a "lovestyle."

Jade was giving up on the whole bisexual life last year, as she didn't have any real connections, they were few and far between, and she felt that it wasn't an example to show our young kids. I supported her, but knew she wasn't going to be happy, and got her to try Tinder. She did and met her girlfriend Sasha in June.

Sasha was not poly and couldn't see how a relationship would work between herself and me and my wife. So we tried a triad arrangement, and did our research, and learned that my wife and I were technically poly-mono for 10 years at that point. So, we all had our fun as a group and individuals, and confirmed we could handle it.

Then the NRE ran dry between me and Sasha. She is mostly lesbian and we couldn't force the romantic feelings. We remain good friends. Jade enjoys a romantic relationship with Sasha. But as their relationship grows, Jade doesn't want me to be left out of things, and bitter. So she told me to go meet people on my own and do my thing, whether its make new friends, or something more.

So now we know we are poly and are exploring the ins and outs. We prefer "kitchen table" poly, which means that we want everyone to be comfortable enough to all hang out together as friends and have dinner.
Click to expand...

Your situation is pretty common for couples new to polyamory. MF couples where the man is straight and the woman is bi, often think they must do "poly" things "as a couple" or risk their marriage. So they search for the perfect "hot bi babe" who is attracted to both of them and willing to have sex with both. However, as in your case, the unicorn always prefers one or the other partner of the couple. Your HBB turned out to be gay. In my case, when my ex h and I ignorantly tried to Open this way, we found out our unicorn was actually straight, and couldn't even bring herself to try threeway sex (after saying she was interested at first, to get with my husband).

So, we were messed up from the start, as my ex and she fell in love... and he turned out to be mono and fell out of love with me as his feelings for her deepened. I was the bi wife who ended up with no husband and no female lover! (This was in 1999-2000, I'm doing better now, lol).

Anyway, that's just my example. Are you "bitter" about Jade and Sasha being in love and you don't get to have any more threesomes? Is Jade not meeting your intimacy needs? Do you want to date others on your own? How would that play out, as parents of kids? Do you both have plenty of free time (not to mention money) to date?
 
Greetings Stazz,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You sound like you are on a good start on the road towards poly, your wife enjoys a romantic relationship with her girlfriend, you remain good friends with said girlfriend, and you have your wife's consent to search for possible romantic companions outside your marriage. Polyamory.com will provide you with many opportunities to learn about poly, just have a look around at our various threads and boards, and let us know if you have any questions. It's great to have you onboard!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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