Not sure if I'm being crazy or not

C

Cinnamud

New member
Hi everyone, my name is Cricket.

I'm having some difficulties with my current poly situation. I'm going to try and explain the situation as briefly and as neutrally as possible, because I genuinely would like some other perspectives.

My metamour and I don't really get along anymore. When I first imagined poly, I was really excited about the potential of being besties with my metamour, but it just didn't work out that way. Since this development, it's been a lot tougher on me emotionally when they chat or are together.

They had a pre-existing, long distance relationship before I joined, and their visits are sporadic.

Recently, I've been sort of dreading his next visit there. I'm anxious because I think I'll be spending those nights alone, thinking about them and miserable. To try and mitigate that, I would like to plan fun things I can do to distract myself, and spend the night with a friend so I don't get sad.

The problem is, I have to plan that ahead of time. A few days ago, I asked him when he plans to visit her, and he said this week. I was shocked, because it was so soon and I hadn't heard anything about it. I didn't really know what to do, especially because he wouldn't give me finite dates. It was either Sunday - Wednesday, or Thursday and Friday. In his defense, he said he did not find out about this upcoming trip until the day I asked.

He didn't understand why I wanted to know the exact dates so bad, so I eventually told him it was because him leaving was going to potentially make me sad, and I wanted to make sure I had plenty to do to distract myself from it. I told him it was actually important to me that he let me know before he left so that I could make plans.

Getting dates out of him has been impossible, and it feels like he only really updates me when I ask about it, which has been frustrating.

Well, Sunday arrived. His plans to leave on this day fell through, but now he wants to leave tomorrow (Monday) and then stay until Friday. I'm stressing out because it's hard for me to last minute plan a whole bunch of stuff for the week, especially staying with friends and stuff like that. I got really upset with him, because I think it's unfair that he lets me know so last minute and doesn't let me plan around this.

I'd like some opinions on a few things:

1. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to share early enough for me to plan? It might take away some spontaneity of a last minute visit.

2. Is it unhealthy that I feel like I might be emotionally distressed when he leaves to go see her? If so, what can I do?

Please let me know. I'd like to hear from all of you.
Cricket
 
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Hi, Cricket!

I got off on the totally wrong foot about this, starting off with sentences: "I joined them as a couple. They were, and still are long distance." That made me think that they were a couple (I joined them) and live some distance to you. This got confusing when you talked about when he (both of them?) planned to visit. He was coming to visit you? Hmmm, that means either that he's accompanying his partner when she/he makes a visit to you, or that you are in the couple, and he's coming to visit your partner. Because you want to keep out of their way, you phoned him him to make sure of when he'd be arriving. But why should you tell him that you'd be sad when he left?

Once a mind gets onto a wrong track, it can be difficult to shunt it over to the right one. I think that I've got it right, now:

You're living with him. I see from your profile that you're a woman. I made no assumptions, but had a picture in my head about you being two men with a woman (?) as the hinge. As you can imagine the set-up seemed really bizarre: you phoning your metamour and so on... :eek:

Now that that's cleared up, back to your questions:

1. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to share early enough for me to plan? It might take away some spontaneity of a last minute visit. Not at all. Especially if you've explained to him that you needed to distract yourself during his absence. But plans do fall through. [I recently planned to hitch-hike from Spain (through France) to Germany. Then a terrorist in a 20 tonne lorry drove into a whole load of people, strung out along 2km of roadside, killing 84 of them and wounding over 100 more. In Nice (France). Expecting drivers to be extra leery of strangers, I put off my hitching for a week... during which there were 3 attacks in Germany... and the day I actually started hitching, a priest in northern France got his throat cut. I ended up bussing through France.]

p.s. What does The Other feel about the spontaneity of a last-minute visit?

2. Is it unhealthy that I feel like I might be emotionally distressed when he leaves to go see her? If so, what can I do? You shouldn't start worrying whether there's something wrong with you because you get stressed. Feelings are real and should be taken seriously. I assume that you wouldn't feel so stressed if you actually liked The Other. This must be hard on you. I'd hate to have a metamour that I disliked, though people tell me that it happens quite often. What can you do? You seem to have come up with the answer to that yourself: Visit people. Have fun. Distract yourself.

Now I have a question for you: Why do you tell your partner that his leaving will make you sad, when it's the thought of his being with The Other that makes you sad? In a relationship (including a poly one), honest communication is important. White lies aren't going to help. The 2 of you need to deal with this issue... or you're going to get more stressed with every visit. Perhaps if you'd been 100% honest with him, he would have made more of an effort to fix his travel plans.

Does The Other ever come to visit him? How do you deal with that?
 
Our household had sayings stuck onto the refrigerator, which generally started out as a tossoff joke, meant to be witty... then we'd stop & excitedly say "write it down! write it down!" & paste it to the appliances for everyone to enjoy. One comes to mind:
Spontaneity is great, so long as you plan for it.

You'll probably get all sorts of platitudes & reading material on how to deal with your jealousy, which is too often The Big Bugaboo that when diagnosed only closes off discussion.

So-called jealousy is an alarm -- nothing less nor more. Because of the fear drummed into most of us of "losing our mate," the alarm really does tend to go off far too easily... but that doesn't mean there's NOT a fire.

I think I'm smelling a little smoke here. Maybe it's nothing to be greatly concerned about, but small fires have a way of becoming big fires if ignored.

First, it seems to me like you need more of a life as an individual, even when your s/o is around. Evenings out with friends, pleasant alone-time, whatever. The less of this you have, the more readily you'll panic. Before the term open marriage was sensationalized into sexual nonmonogamy, it was a critique of couple-front thinking.
The O'Neills conceived [of] open marriage as one in which each partner has room for personal growth and can develop outside friendships. Most chapters in the book dealt with non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality.
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Setting aside sex & love & all that, I'd say you need that sort of openness, & working on improving those five points will greatly benefit you.

How do you feel when you're apart for a few days without the extracurricular activity? Do you need to "check in" with him frequently? Do you find yourself becoming fearful he's never going to return, that he's found someone or something or someplace better?

As for the scheduling ineptitude, how frequently does this occur?

Rarely? Probably doable. While he maybe could work on some degree of stability & reliability, you may still become anxious even when everything's solidly planned out far in advance.

Once in a while? A bit unfair to you (both senses, as an individual & a couple), & certainly needing discussion.

More often than not? This places you in a secondary position, where you are expected to "keep the home fires burning" in support of the fun times of others.

Though you probably didn't intend painting it as such, the girlfriend sounds like a recurring affair, not a steady relationship, & certainly not somehow equal to you. Rather than your s/o enabling her constant shifting of plans -- which DOES give her power over you & your relationship -- he should remember where he left his nads & expect her to stop acting like a brat. (Yeah, I have no idea of what circumstances she faces... but it is NOT good that she expects others to take responsibility for the outfall.)

It is definitely NOT YOUR JOB to sanctify someone else's spontaneity.
 
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Hello MrFarFromRight!

Thanks for your response. I edited my original post, particularly the sentence you pointed out. Does it seem more clear now? :) I am a woman, his partner is a woman, and he is the hinge.

He is the kind of person that makes last minute decisions and goes on last minute trips suddenly. It's always been true about him. But when he's last minute going to visit his mother, it's a little less hard than when he's last minute going to be visiting his other partner. I'm not sure if that's the way it should be, but that's the way it is for me.

The Other and I have had issues with spontaneity before. When the three of us were together on a trip, she insisted that she should be able to shoo me out of the room whenever she wanted to have sex, instead of my idea of us scheduling time for them alone. I told her this was completely unreasonable, and it actually lead to a big fight. That being said, I think she would think I was once again impeding on their spontaneity in this situation, too.

Her and I don't talk anymore. I don't think it matters why, but I told her I wanted space. She is still welcome to reach out if she needs to talk to me, but she has made it clear that our friendship is over.

I do think my stress stems from not liking her. I'm not sure why this is the case. I'm guessing it's just because it's a lot harder to share, whether it be a partner, a best friend, or chocolate, with someone you don't like, but that's just a theory. I have no idea why I feel this way.

Distracting myself was an idea I got from a book, and I really think it will work. I was anxious about using it when he finally goes, but there's no way I can figure that out so last minute. I don't have anything planned, and my best friend is starting a new job this week so it's a lot harder to be like, "Hey can I crash at your place for four days?". I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm afraid I'm about to have some very miserable few days ahead of me.

As for your question, I told my partner everything. I actually never intended to tell him I didn't like his partner. I haven't liked her for several months now, and never told him because I didn't think it was important. But it was hard explaining why suddenly I had a hard time with him visiting her, without saying it's because I dislike her. So it was a really awkward conversation, but I was as forward as I knew how to be. "I don't like your girlfriend, which makes you leaving to see her tougher on me. I need to know ahead of time when you're leaving so I can schedule stuff to distract me."

She hasn't come to visit him since I said we needed space. She will be coming in February for a conference... we'll cross that bridge when we get there I suppose...

Thanks again for your response, I really appreciate it.
 
@Ravenscroft

Damn, I'm impressed you managed to get all of that from my original post.

I KNOW I have a problem with doing individual things without him. I don't know why, but I enjoy myself less when he's not there. Even if I'm hanging out with my family or best friend. It sort of sucks, and I know it's a problem. I've been trying to work on it.

You're right, if I had more of a life outside of hanging out with him, this would be less of a problem. I'm not sure how to make that happen, but it's reassuring that the problem I'm already trying to fix might help me with this one.

I'm never afraid he's not going to return, or that he'll find someone else or something like that. I don't really know what the problem is. I've tried mulling it over, and I think it might be because our relationship originated as a long distance relationship, and even though I've been living with him since December, I think a part of me still feels like time with him is running out.

As for the scheduling, it occurs all the time. For everything. Not just his relationship with her. So it's hard for me to be like, "Don't be you" because this is 100% him, but I really have a hard time in this situation.
 
Sometimes people assert their independence by making "mistakes" such as showing up late & "forgetting" appointments.

To straightforwardly address feelings of restriction runs the risk of open conflict, or (worse) could result in their not getting their way.

Open conflict, though, can be resolved if thepeople involved are reasonable & each have a goal of finding harmony with someone they love & wish to be with.

What cannot be resolved is underhanded manipulation. I don't agree that this is some harmless little quirk, "just the way he is." It is causing problems for you -- you will need to accept it, or expect better, or be prepared to give up.

I get the impression he's feeling trapped in living with you. If so, THAT needs to be addressed directly, rather than learning how to ignore the symptoms.
 
@Ravencroft

We discuss our relationship openly once a week. It's a sceduled time to get what we are feeling from the week before off our chest, and tslk about things we are worried about for the future.

What I mean to say is, he is open in these meetings and he ha yet to express feeling trapped. That being said, he does encourage me to go out on my own, because he knows I struggle with that.

I think in every other case, his last minute decision making is fine. I just need a way to express that in this case, I can't handle it.
 
Hi Cinnamud,
I sort of relate both to having a partner who is more "last minute" then me, and to having a hard time enjoying activities without my partner.

I used to seriously struggle to enjoy myself, in my previous relationship, when my live-in partner left for a weekend. I since realized that I really need to meet people, dayly, or (as you describe it) find some other distraction. So I am very much a person who needs to plan and schedule. Having more of my own activities outside of relationships really helps (I've been guilty of abandoning hobbies he wasn't into when I found a partner, so now I stick to those).
Also, it's part of mastering one's own emotions to learn to be alone and enjoy the me-time. I got a little better over the last years.
Trying to allow for your jealous or unhappy feelings, having a look without judging them as bad, should help a little.

If everything else fails, computer games are a great distraction! :D I don't usually play very much, unless I don't feel well beyond coping and need to forget myself for a bit.

Cinnamud said:
I think in every other case, his last minute decision making is fine. I just need a way to express that in this case, I can't handle it.
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You do that. Hopefully he can make a bigger effort to accomodate.
And hopefully you can at the same time find better ways to manage being alone. Maybe you could sit down while you're still feeling well and write a list of activities to choose from later? Download some movie in advance or something like that?
 
Hi Cricket,

Re (from OP):
"Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to share early enough for me to plan? It might take away some spontaneity of a last-minute visit."
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It's not that it's unreasonable, it's just that he has a certain style of living that he's used to. Have you told him point-blank that you need him to do better on making his plans with her (your metamour) and giving you advanced notice? If so, what was his reply?

Re:
"Is it unhealthy that I feel like I might be emotionally distressed when he leaves to go see her? If so, what can I do?"
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I think you are dealing with your disappointment at not being able to be on friendly terms with her. This disappointment will probably dissipate after awhile, but it will not be a quick or easy process. I wonder if a poly-friendly counselor would be something to look into?

Anyway, I don't think you're doing anything unreasonable or unhealthy. You are dealing with some difficult situations.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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