Not sure if this is for me anymore

[ambleew]

I'm not really sure where to start. I have posted a couple of times about my situation. I am 31, married, and together my husband Noah (27) and I have a girlfriend, Nicole (24). Noah met her at work, and for a while, things were going... okay. Honestly, though, I think I have had more bad days than good., where they both seem to have good days, for the most part. I have struggled with this SOOOO much.

We have only been with her for three months, but to help financially, she moved in a couple of weeks ago. Things have been okay as far as her living here. But I have been having doubts again, and I almost feel like it's too late to do anything about it.

Nicole has no family here in Texas, and has a very strained relationship with most of her family that are out of state. She does have a few friends here. She met my family this weekend and that seemed to go okay.

The next day, however, Noah told his mother without any warning. I was so pissed off that he told his mother, I think mostly because it makes me see how serious he really is, that he would tell his mother, of all people. She had no idea I was bisexual. In a way, I feel that it was not his place to tell her about that part of my life.

He sees this as a forever thing with Nicole, and I don't.

When my mother and mother-in-law talked, my mother expressed how she wished Nicole would just go away

My question is, what in the HELL do I do? Every time I tell Noah about these doubts, he swears up and down it's my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean. I tell him how badly she gets on my nerves. I think everything she says is bullshit.

We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me.

I'm not sure if it's the poly thing or not, but I don't feel strongly for Nicole, like Noah does. I have TRIED! I may not be the hottest thing, but I'm not that attracted to her in that way. She is not my type of girl. She acts so immature all the time.

GRRR. What do I do? Is it just too late to do anything, since she lives here now?

 

[IndieSolo]

Ugh, I hate when men say it's "just PMS" or our periods when we're upset. All it means is that he doesn't feel like listening to you! I don't really know what else to say, except that it's really clear that more respectful communication is needed. For him to out you as bi, without discussing it first, how inconsiderate! And totally self-centered!

I just re-read some of your older posts. Is Nicole the gf who was afraid of being a third wheel back in December? The same one you felt you would rather be platonic with than romantic? Have you done anything to work on the issues underneath all the fights you were having with Noah?

I hate to say it, but he sounds like he's got some unexpressed anger going on, and he's acting like a jerk. And you keep thinking you have to grin and bear it.

Tell him it's not your PMS. You want to be heard, deserve to be heard, and will not tolerate his dismissiveness! I think you definitely should have been fighting for your equality in this situation way before she moved in. It sounds like Noah made you accept her, he moved her in, he wants to call all the shots You haven't really been that attracted to her for months now, and have just been putting up with this situation. But it is your home as much as it is his, and you should have a say.

What is it going to take for you to assert yourself?

Does he come here to this forum? Maybe it would be a good idea to invite him and let him read what you've been going through, if he won't fucking listen.

 

[MsWoodland]

My husband and I have a girlfriend. He met her at work... I think I have had more bad days than good, where they both seem to have good days for the most part.

We have only been with her for three months... she moved in a couple of weeks ago. I have been having doubts again and I almost feel like it's to late to do anything about it... my husband told his mother without any warning. I was so pissed... it makes me see how serious he really is... She had NO idea I was even bisexual. I feel that it was not his place to tell her.

My question is...what in the HELL do I do?? Every time I tell my husband about these doubts he swears up and down its my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean.

We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me. I'm not sure if it's the poly thing or not, but I don't feel strongly for her like he does. I have TRIED! I'm not that attracted to her in that way. She is not my type. GRRR. What do I do? Is it just too late to do anything since she lives here now??

I was in a poly class years ago that explained "after the honeymoon" when it comes to these situations. It was a great class.

Poly throws in our face the problems we have in our marriage, because as we watch our mate have their honeymoon period with the newbie, it's easy to feel we're the "old shoe" a bit as we think of our problems with them. They haven't developed problems yet, but will. (Nice to think we never will when it's all huggy and kissy face.) If it's meant to be, they will survive it like you and he did when their own issues arise. But they don't exist yet. It's too new! So it seems all fluffy bunnies between them, and it puts a spotlight on the issues you all have.

Now, as far as PMS, you must ask, no, demand, in a kind way, that Noah not to do that to you, whether you are PMSing or not. If he won't, don't stay with him. Seriously. It sounds drastic, but men who step on boundaries are so not worth your time, no matter the level of love. Bringing up your Goddess cycle to shut you up in expressing your feelings, well it's rude and crude. Men who do it get what's coming to them. It lowers our self esteem too much.

Many men don't get this, so you need to explain. Start out very nice, but demand at the same time! If he loves you, he'll understand when you declare it a boundary he cannot cross. You can't let up on this one. It's offensive. It's like saying to a man who might not be very endowed down south. "Aww... are you angry because your manhood is little and cute"? That's how bad it hurts me when men do it. I don't allow it, ever! I'll break up with a man who insists on such dishonor.

When you get into such things as this, it will be fluffy between them for a while. If you have a new man, you'll act the same probably, because y'all haven't had your problems yet either. It levels out.

To survive this, you must find joy in the smiles on Noah's face, knowing it's your understanding that gave that to him. Otherwise, you risk singling yourself out as they feel unloved by you. We don't mean to do that, but it's what can sometimes happen. If you let Nicole into your husband's life, allow them their honeymoon period, just like you enjoyed with him. Don't take it away from them, or it could turn on you. Eventually, it will level out.

Establish boundaries fast... all of you. Then stick to them.

 

[redpepper]

There are some good threads on "moving in" and "living together" if you look around. One is called "Multi-partner cohabitation."

In a nutshell, if I were in your situation I would not be calling this a triad, as it isn't one if you are not having a relationship with her other than sharing a partner. She sounds more like a metamour. Fine, but calling it like it is might mean that there is less confusion about responsibility and commitment.

Second, I would be having her move out. She is not fitting in. I wouldn't have moved her in, in the first place. I am not an advocate for moving lovers in when there has been no process and people are in NRE. I just have not seen it work out, pretty much ever. I hate to see people end up in pain.

As to the PMS thing? Bullshit. What the fuck is that shit? Seriously... talk about creating what he wants out of thin air. He sounds like he is showing off to relatives, being disrespectful and generally being selfish.

Yeah, if this were me, I would be laying it all out for both of them about how I feel, what I want to see happen, and then realizing that I might have to move on myself if there aren't changes made.

The first move I would make would be to get my finances in order, find a place to stay, figure out what I want, and how to say it in as polite and respectful a manner possible, knowing that I might have to put my foot down firmly.

Life is too short to fuck around with selfish people who are not willing to consider my feelings.

 

[Quath]

I think your relationship with her doesn't have to be romantic. Over time, I came to the conclusion that triads are tough because everyone may not have equivalent feelings for each other. I think it is better to let it become a V than to try to force a triad.

Some good relationship advice I have heard is: don't move, don't move in, and don't change jobs in the first 12-24 months. Wait until the NRE wears off.

 

[Ariakas]

We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me. I'm not sure if it's the poly thing or not, but I don't feel strongly for her like he does. I have TRIED! But I'm not that attracted to her in that way. She is not my type of girl. She acts so immature all the time. GRRR. What do I do? Is it just too late to do anything since she lives here now?

You aren't attracted to her. She annoys you. Ask yourself this: would you date her if your husband wasn't?

The assumption is that a triad is going to be equal. It almost never is. It is usually lopsided, or even broken. That's the hardest part of a triad, the forcing of someone not interested in someone else. You can live with someone you aren't involved with. Unless of course you guys are sharing one room.

Maybe you need to let this become what it will become, a V. It might take some of the pressure off and, in turn, you might not find her as annoying.

 

[ambleew]

Just wanted to send a quick reply to let you all know that we are trying to work on things. My husband refuses to let her go and said if she leaves there will be a huge chip on his shoulder. I stayed at a friend's for a couple of days and came back. I have no idea what the future holds for us at this moment, but right now just kind of going with the flow. I don't want to lose him and right now I can't leave.

Thank YOU for all your responses!

 

[Propast]

Hi Ambleew,

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your tough situation. There is always hope, and despite how it feels, this is still early days. There is time to adjust patterns and behavior, but it takes work, courage and caring.

My response is clearly coloured and driven by my experiences, so please take that into account in your reading. You'll notice I advise investing in yourself and your combined communication early, and getting outside help. This is based on me waiting too long and trying to do it all myself.

I think you definitely should have been fighting for your equality in this situation way before she moved in. It sounds like he made you accept her, he moved her in, he wants to call all the shots. You haven't really been that attracted to her for months now and have just been putting up with this situation. But it is your home as much as it is his, and you should have a say.

What is it going to take for you to assert yourself?

Yes, yes yes! There are a lot of areas here where you're letting your needs (a.k.a. boundaries) get pushed or stepped on. This is high priority to correct early, trust me. I have finally learned that the only time you can assert yourself and "put your foot down" on boundary issues is immediate: the feedback and correction needs to be connected to the behavior, not brought up months later.

The hard part of this (for me) is twofold: WHERE to put my foot down, WHAT are my key issues where I need to stand firm; HOW to do it in a firm but constructive way? I've got the WHERE figured out, but HOW is harder. For me, this often ends up in grueling fights when I put my foot down on the important things. Hopefully others can advise better.

My question is, what in the HELL do I do? Every time I tell my husband about these doubts he swears up and down it's my PMS talking and that I'm being really mean. I tell him how badly she gets on my nerves and that I think everything she says is bullshit. We got into a horrible argument before she even moved in. The argument was so bad, I thought he was going to leave me.

Hey! The positive thing here (yes, there is one) is that you WERE working on standing up for yourself. You expressed the problems to him. Congratulations!

Now the sad part. He's not listening. Worse, he's finding ways to redirect your assertiveness away (PMS comment) or just forces you to back down, rather than helping adjust to meet your needs, which makes you feel powerless and not valued. That doesn't sound like it fits the poly ideal.

That's really got to change, and fast. I lived with this for years from my wife, and it didn't get me anywhere. Therapy may not be needed, but real advice from experts on communication and couples dynamics is needed to clean this up. Work with him (he needs to feel engaged) to find books or better yet, WORKSHOPS on honest, safe and two-way communication. In this work, don't limit yourself to "poly" resources: It's not related to poly, its related to his/your communication skills.

We have only been with her for three months, but to help financially, she moved in a couple of weeks ago. I have been having doubts. I almost feel like it's too late to do anything about it.

Okay, so now this is the situation you are in. It's too late to change how you got here (can't go back and "assert" on your previous decisions). Now you need to apply assertiveness in the correct places to care for your needs. This will be easier once you succeed in improving the communication flow (see above), but I don't think you want to wait.

What's the idea of her moving in? Since it was just to to help her financially, was it just a temporary thing? If not clearly stated, you need to find a way to clarify with firm agreements and deadlines. This will be a hard situation to untangle. So many feelings and priorities are now mixed up-- her worries about shelter and money, their NRE, your feelings of boundaries being crossed. I suspect this will be more successful if you keep the discussion to facts, practicalities and dates, rather than the fact that "YOU WANT HER FUCKING OUT!" Let their relationship continue its natural path in the respectful poly way, but without the added complications of her living with you both.

And I may not be the hottest thing

Woah! This and other "reading between lines" has me very worried for your self-esteem. I too have been very low, at times. This is a big topic, too big for here. Some overly-simplified basics: You can find, in your core, things to value about yourself. Spend some time for yourself to find them, strengthen those. Believe in them. Don't let the daily pains get in and destroy them. This is also an area where expert help can be valuable over finding your own way: local workshops on confidence, mindfulness, or self-esteem may help.

You are never trapped. RP suggested getting your finances in order and figuring out your living options. In negotiation terms, this is called your BATNA, "Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement," it makes you conscious of what happens if you must walk away. When standing up for yourself, having this firm internal ground to stand on will increase your confidence and calmness and clear-headedness, all vital here.

In the end
I say
Don't give up and don't delay.

Approach the challenge with love and courage, and ask them to do the same. Best wishes.

 

[Propast]

Just wanted to send a quick reply to let you all know that we are trying to work on things. My husband refuses to let her go, and said if she leaves there will be a huge chip on his shoulder. I stayed at a friend's for a couple of days and came back. I have no idea what the future holds for us at this moment, but right now just kind of going with the flow. I don't want to lose him and right now I can't leave.

Thank YOU for all your responses!

Oops, you posted while I was writing my ludicrously long response.

Congratulations, sounds like you are making progress. Choosing to leave for a while IS progress, and the talking IS progress.

I'd focus on reframing the "let her go" question. I discussed this a little already. Keep it about practicalities. The goal was to help her financially, not permanently move her in, so the plan needs to focus about that. Don't attack their relationship. I suggest it is even positive for their relationship if they have more time for it to grow together without the complications of 3 people living together!

 

[marksbabygirl]

My advice is to do what's best for YOU.

He wants her. You don't.

He wants to stay with her. You don't want what's currently going on.

You have no right to make a decision for THEM, unless you and hubby have set up with veto, but that doesn't sound like its the case, but you do have a right to make a decision for YOU.

When my hubby was involved with someone, I had to, at the end of things, tell him that I would never ask him to choose, even though we had agreed on veto. I loved him too much to hurt him in that respect. However, I had to make a choice for myself. And I didn't LIKE the choice that was becoming clearer, but it was the choice that was healthiest for me.

You need to make the choice that's healthiest for you.

 

[Penny]

I am usually kinder and gentler than this, but I'm pretty pissed.

I've been reading along and the PMS comment, among a whole bunch of other things, leads me to draw the conclusion that her husband is a manipulative asshole and the OP is playing the doormat.

I mean it. He's an asshole. Sometimes this is a treatable condition, but often not because the asshole is frequently incapable of recognizing his or her own condition.

The PMS comment was belittling, nasty, and manipulative. It's fucking dehumanizing. It's fucking abusive.

I mean, maybe, just maybe I am misreading the situation, but it sounds like the husband has all the power, and the wife just rolls over and lets him treat her like her opinions don't matter.

And when she tries to stand up for herself, he makes up reasons why her opinions are unworthy of consideration and undermines her self-esteem (which sounds feeble to start with) and her sense of self-worth.

Despicable. And the OP will probably just keep taking it.

This makes me feel depressed and angry.

I now return you to more reasonable discourse, already in progress.

[/rant]

 

[IndieSolo]

My husband refuses to let her go and said if she leaves there will be a huge chip on his shoulder.

So, now he's threatening you? Who needs that kind of bullshit? What a dick. You seem to be in an abusive relationship. I read your previous threads -- he forced a situation on you and expected you to be involved with this woman whom you are not even attracted to, throws a tantrum when you're not happy, and now gives you an ultimatum rather than consider your feelings. Why do you stay, really?

her husband is a manipulative asshole and the OP is playing the doormat.

. . . it sounds like the husband has all the power, and the wife just rolls over and lets him treat her like her opinions don't matter.

And when she tries to stand up for herself, he makes up reasons why her opinions are unworthy of consideration and undermines her self-esteem (which sounds feeble to start with) and her sense of self-worth.

Despicable. And the OP will probably just keep taking it.

Agreed. I also got upset and felt anxiousness rise in me when I went back and re-read the OP's prior threads and this post. Ambleew, it makes me very sad that a woman is being treated like this and you are putting up with it. It sounds like a situation I couldn't stay in for one minute. I'd be changing the lock on the door or getting the hell out myself. Please open your eyes.

 

[yul]

All I can say is that the balance seems to be out of favor for you.

Everybody should be either happy or comfortable..no?

You are not comfortable with this and seems like you are being very generous of your time/space.

I think you need some readjustment....


I am no pro...just common sense.

 

[NeonKaos]

I don't know... I just read the OP's first thread, and you were so head-over-heels in loooove with this woman and now you're all "Meh" about her... You were advised to slow down and not move her into your home, and you went ahead and did it anyway. Now what? I hate to sound like a jerk, but this is clearly a case of bed. made. lie. How is it that suddenly the husband is a control freak?

"If only the other people were here to give their side of the story".

 

[Penny]

I don't know... I just read the OP's first thread, and you were so head-over-heels in loooove with this woman and now you're all "Meh" about her... You were advised to slow down and not move her into your home, and you went ahead and did it anyway. Now what? I hate to sound like a jerk, but this is clearly a case of bed. made. lie. How is it that suddenly the husband is a control freak?

"If only the other people were here to give their side of the story".

NeonKaos, you sure don't pull any punches, do you? I do like that. It's good to have a voice here that isn't going to coddle or soften the blow.

Interesting point. I had not read her other threads, and so was not aware that her initial reaction to this woman was so warm. This thread makes it seem like her husband was the one calling all the shots from the start.

Still, the "chip on shoulder" and "PMS" remarks from the husband are pretty standard controlling maneuvers, but in light of the shifting attitude between threads, I can see how there might be more than one side of the story.

I suspect the OP might be a "pleaser" and deluded herself into thinking things were hunky-dory when they weren't. This ties in with the low self-esteem, and acting like a doormat business. Then turning around and being the martyr fits this set of behaviors.

This does not change the fact that she is in a situation which is making her unhappy. She has not specified how they were "working on it" other than implying that she's been bullied (or let herself be bullied) into just taking it.

The "bed. made. lie." philosophy doesn't work because she's just going to be miserable, and what's the point of that? I do agree she needs to take some personal responsibility here.

If the situation is as she portrayed, she still needs to man up and either assert her needs or GTFO.

None of this precludes the fact that her husband might in fact be a total asshole, but this leads me to question why so many women loooove the assholes and act all helpless and confused when assholes treat them like shit.

 

[NeonKaos]

ya, i guess bed-made without the lie would have been sufficient.

I'm not suggesting that OP should stay in a situation that is untenable. I'm simply pointing out that she had a part in creating it - regardless whether the other people are assholes or control-freaks or not.

 

[ambleew]

You are all right to be honest. I know I am letting myself get "walked on" if those are the best words. He pretty much has given me no choice and if I say I want to leave he says "Well that's up to you". I thought our marriage was stronger than this. As far as a veto goes, we never really used that word, but he told me that in getting involved with someone else, I would always have the last say as I was his wife and he would never want our marriage broken up.

He DID say after I left for a couple of days that things would start changing. He would start spending more time with me and help more around the house. (Since I have been doing it all!) He wants to take me out tonight, just the two of us and she has been sleeping on the couch the past few nights. Things are very awkard with her and I right now. I hardly even want to talk to her because in a way, I resent her. I know that may be wrong, but what's going on with me and him is making me mad at her too. Of course my WHOLE family, friends and even his mother have encouraged me to leave him. How can I just walk out on my marriage when I still feel like there is something left to fight for?

 

[TruckerPete]

... she has been sleeping on the couch the past few nights.

She doesn't even have her own room?!?

 

[Penny]

Yeah, I feel sorry for the girlfriend. It's that thing where unicorns get shunted aside when the established couple has trouble.

It was foolish of her to move in under such circumstances. The whole thing is just ugly and sad.

 

[Penny]

So, hey, wait a minute... I just read through the old threads... stuff is starting to sink in here...

This is the second girl? You were falling in love with the first girl and thinking about moving her in with you and she bowed out, right?

Then there's this second girl shortly thereafter, and you weren't as into her, and you're together for how long before you guys move her in?

You said she moved in to "help out financially." Who was helping who? Were you guys helping her, or was she helping you?

Either way this isn't the same thing as the girl you were going to help out because she actually needed a place to stay.

And you didn't even like this second girl very much from the beginning, am I right?

WTF were you thinking?!

It was totally stupid of her to move in with you two, but you guys are starting to show a PREDATORY relationship to these young women.

Not just your husband. You. Even if you are allowing yourself to be used, you are still allowing it, and you have a responsibility to this person. Even if the relationship isn't meant to be, even if you and your husband wind up together and she has to go, you have responsibility in part for her being there in the first place.

So, maybe you resent her, but you have (IMO) a moral obligation to be decent and kind to her, even if you can't stand her.

This is just ALL kinds of fucked up.

If this relationship ends, you guys need to take a long, hard look at yourselves before bringing another person into your lives.