Not sure what I'm looking for... Beginner poly stuff

Galagirl,

I lurk here more than I post and your replies are always well thought out and well placed. It stings a little to have some of this stuff spelled out for me so plainly, but its what I need, so thank you.

Why not just DO IT? Rather than "offer" and make DH be like the "gatekeeper" or something? Esp when he's sometimes overwhelmed with his own jobs in this process... Why's he also got to make your calls for you?

You wouldn't offer to do stuff you aren't really prepared to do, right? So just make the call and take any V stuff off the table.
Then see if the talks or your guilt get better.
If I am honest, I didn't do this because I didn't want to. I am willing to do this, but it isn't easy or something I want. I do want to make this process and my marriage work though, and this is a compromise I am willing to make.

This is the part that resonated with me as something actionable that I have power over. I shouldn't ask my husband to make that call when I am capable of making it myself.

This sounds like you tangled up in his stuff.

Why do you want him to talk to you when he's having trouble? Esp when what he needs is some time/space to work on stuff on his own first? So when it IS time to talk to you, his thoughts in are good order?
A LOT of this revolves around you and DH doing the work of detangling. Are you able to see that?

I am realizing that in the detangling aspect of opening up, I should be focusing more on seperating our emotional management, rather than just our time and involvement in eachother's lives or codependant aspects of decision making. I have my own hobbies and friendships, and he has his. I make independent decisions about my time, and life and so does he. We consult eachother out of courtesy, not obligation or to get permission.

However, I have trouble not feeling responsible for his emotions. I want him to talk to me when he is having trouble, because I like to talk to him when I am having trouble. I am going to try to be more deliberate about not imposing or assuming that my needs for emotional management are the same as his.

Honestly it all sounds normal enough. You JUST started talking. You may not be able to see it, but you are doing well.
I believe we are doing well too, but hearing that from an outside source felt surprisingly reassuring.

You both won't cover EVERY little thing. What you both can do is hit most of the major points, make agreements around healthy conflict resolution, and name the dealbreakers. Along with agreeing on how to break up decently if it ever comes down to that. Because you are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.
We have spoken briefly about the outcome of divorce and amicably ending our relationship. He and I don't act like this is a taboo topic but it is a serious topic to discuss.

I read him some of your comment and he said he didnt realize that his thought loops were all dealbreakers for him. He loved the idea of reframing these what-ifs as boundaries. Instead of getting caught in a thought loop about what-if I decide I want children with a different partner he has asserted that that is crossing a boundary. He will not be with a partner who seeks to have children with someone else. If in the future, that is something I decide that I want, he will leave our relationship. I am free to make that decision. He is free to leave the relationship.

It's a better place to open up from that some of the stories that I read here.

Again, I appreciate the thought you put into your response and the encouragement. We're trying our best and acknowledgement of that feels good even if its from some stranger on the internet! Thank you!
 
Kevin T.,

Thanks for your reply!
My Vee was born of opening up with someone (namely me) in the wings. I'm not sure what specifically helped, I do know that Snowbunny (who is now the hinge of our Vee) had to talk to her husband about poly for about a year, before he could finally say yes to it.
It is good to get some perspective and hear an account of this working out! So far it has been a whole lot of warning about how its much harder to open up if this is the situation but no one mentioning that its possible. Or what to do if this situation is already the case.

You seem to be in a healthy place so even this little piece of info is nice!

Thanks for the reassurance :)
 
Recently I was talking with another member going through a difficult time dealing with his wife’s NRE and he said he felt “ better “ / more empowered by making some bold changes. To feel better and nail down some of the down sides he was planning to have a lawyer draft something like a separation agreement and also something similar to a postnup / escape clause. This wasn’t going to be done in an adversarial way more of a detangling / feeling in control of some of the what if’s .

AND maybe having these things spelled out and the consequences spelled out everyone can relax and move forward.
This is super constructive and actionable. I think this goes along with some things Galagirl was talking about. My husbands' thought loops are more like dealbreakers, and having an 'escape plan' could help both of us immensely.

Thanks for your reply :)
 
Glad it was helpful to you.

If I am honest, I didn't do this because I didn't want to. I am willing to do this, but it isn't easy or something I want. I do want to make this process and my marriage work though, and this is a compromise I am willing to make.

This is the part that resonated with me as something actionable that I have power over. I shouldn't ask my husband to make that call when I am capable of making it myself.

Glad you took it in spirit intended. If you are both going to go there? Then each person could shoulder their own responsibilities/decisions.

I am realizing that in the detangling aspect of opening up, I should be focusing more on seperating our emotional management, rather than just our time and involvement in each other's lives or codependant aspects of decision making.

I think healthy interdependence is better than being codependent.

Detangling emotional management doesn't mean you don't care about each other at all. Or like you can't empathize, or sympathize if partner is having a tough time.

It just means you know you cannot do their emotional work FOR them.

And you don't expect them to do your emotional work FOR you.

However, I have trouble not feeling responsible for his emotions. I want him to talk to me when he is having trouble, because I like to talk to him when I am having trouble. I am going to try to be more deliberate about not imposing or assuming that my needs for emotional management are the same as his.

Yup. Because you are DIFFERENT PEOPLE and not carbon copies of each other.

His needs for his emotional management may be different than yours.

I read him some of your comment and he said he didnt realize that his thought loops were all dealbreakers for him. He loved the idea of reframing these what-ifs as boundaries. Instead of getting caught in a thought loop about what-if I decide I want children with a different partner he has asserted that that is crossing a boundary. He will not be with a partner who seeks to have children with someone else. If in the future, that is something I decide that I want, he will leave our relationship. I am free to make that decision. He is free to leave the relationship.

Exactly. List the dealbreakers. It sounds counterintuitive... but I find people who can calmly talk about a decent break up ahead of time? Usually can manage being together well and can realistically handle poly problems that come their way. Or they have the decent break up they planned for and can manage to be decent exes. They avoid making a huge mess.

The ones that cannot even contemplate it or talk about it or get all avoid-y? I notice that those are the ones that end up making a mess.

Take your time talking it out. You are more fortunate than most in that he's willing to seriously consider.

Now he might do all this work and decide "Well, I considered. But no. I still don't want to poly. I prefer monogamy. You'd have to go there without me. Let's do the emergency plan." And then you break up decently.

But that's STILL better than making a huge mess, and both can part know that you did your best with it. Just that it isn't a shared want. You can part ways amicably and still respecting selves and each other.

Galagirl
 
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Hi dryicex3,

It's good to hear that my post was of some help to you. We have been a Vee since I believe March of 2006, over 15 years ago, so we weren't just able to start a Vee, we were able to keep it going and I do feel that we've been in a healthy place with each other for a long time. If you have more questions for me just let me know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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