Galagirl,
I lurk here more than I post and your replies are always well thought out and well placed. It stings a little to have some of this stuff spelled out for me so plainly, but its what I need, so thank you.
This is the part that resonated with me as something actionable that I have power over. I shouldn't ask my husband to make that call when I am capable of making it myself.
I am realizing that in the detangling aspect of opening up, I should be focusing more on seperating our emotional management, rather than just our time and involvement in eachother's lives or codependant aspects of decision making. I have my own hobbies and friendships, and he has his. I make independent decisions about my time, and life and so does he. We consult eachother out of courtesy, not obligation or to get permission.
However, I have trouble not feeling responsible for his emotions. I want him to talk to me when he is having trouble, because I like to talk to him when I am having trouble. I am going to try to be more deliberate about not imposing or assuming that my needs for emotional management are the same as his.
I read him some of your comment and he said he didnt realize that his thought loops were all dealbreakers for him. He loved the idea of reframing these what-ifs as boundaries. Instead of getting caught in a thought loop about what-if I decide I want children with a different partner he has asserted that that is crossing a boundary. He will not be with a partner who seeks to have children with someone else. If in the future, that is something I decide that I want, he will leave our relationship. I am free to make that decision. He is free to leave the relationship.
Again, I appreciate the thought you put into your response and the encouragement. We're trying our best and acknowledgement of that feels good even if its from some stranger on the internet! Thank you!
I lurk here more than I post and your replies are always well thought out and well placed. It stings a little to have some of this stuff spelled out for me so plainly, but its what I need, so thank you.
Why not just DO IT? Rather than "offer" and make DH be like the "gatekeeper" or something? Esp when he's sometimes overwhelmed with his own jobs in this process... Why's he also got to make your calls for you?
You wouldn't offer to do stuff you aren't really prepared to do, right? So just make the call and take any V stuff off the table.
If I am honest, I didn't do this because I didn't want to. I am willing to do this, but it isn't easy or something I want. I do want to make this process and my marriage work though, and this is a compromise I am willing to make.Then see if the talks or your guilt get better.
This is the part that resonated with me as something actionable that I have power over. I shouldn't ask my husband to make that call when I am capable of making it myself.
This sounds like you tangled up in his stuff.
Why do you want him to talk to you when he's having trouble? Esp when what he needs is some time/space to work on stuff on his own first? So when it IS time to talk to you, his thoughts in are good order?
A LOT of this revolves around you and DH doing the work of detangling. Are you able to see that?
I am realizing that in the detangling aspect of opening up, I should be focusing more on seperating our emotional management, rather than just our time and involvement in eachother's lives or codependant aspects of decision making. I have my own hobbies and friendships, and he has his. I make independent decisions about my time, and life and so does he. We consult eachother out of courtesy, not obligation or to get permission.
However, I have trouble not feeling responsible for his emotions. I want him to talk to me when he is having trouble, because I like to talk to him when I am having trouble. I am going to try to be more deliberate about not imposing or assuming that my needs for emotional management are the same as his.
I believe we are doing well too, but hearing that from an outside source felt surprisingly reassuring.Honestly it all sounds normal enough. You JUST started talking. You may not be able to see it, but you are doing well.
We have spoken briefly about the outcome of divorce and amicably ending our relationship. He and I don't act like this is a taboo topic but it is a serious topic to discuss.You both won't cover EVERY little thing. What you both can do is hit most of the major points, make agreements around healthy conflict resolution, and name the dealbreakers. Along with agreeing on how to break up decently if it ever comes down to that. Because you are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.
I read him some of your comment and he said he didnt realize that his thought loops were all dealbreakers for him. He loved the idea of reframing these what-ifs as boundaries. Instead of getting caught in a thought loop about what-if I decide I want children with a different partner he has asserted that that is crossing a boundary. He will not be with a partner who seeks to have children with someone else. If in the future, that is something I decide that I want, he will leave our relationship. I am free to make that decision. He is free to leave the relationship.
It's a better place to open up from that some of the stories that I read here.
Again, I appreciate the thought you put into your response and the encouragement. We're trying our best and acknowledgement of that feels good even if its from some stranger on the internet! Thank you!