Not sure what to do now

A

aleneil

New member
Hello!

I've been married for over 6 years to a man I really love. We've had an open relationship from the beginning, and were very happy until our second child came along. Since getting pregnant 2.5 years ago our sexual relationship has gone into the toilet. Our sex became more and more infrequent until it was maybe once a month. My husband doesn't find me attractive anymore and doesn't enjoy sex with me, and he hasn't shown any interest in the things I try to do to spice things up. He can't even get an erection with me anymore, and has consequently been spending more and more time with other partners. He's broken family rules on 2 occasions now, and he's hardly ever home. To top it off because we have kids, his never being homes means *I* never get to go out with my own partners!

He swears he loves me, but always puts off talking about how we can fix things. I love him and I don't want our marriage to end, but something some where is going to have to give, because things feel awfully one-sided. What can I do to get our relationship back on track without scaring him away? I don't want to end our open relationship.

Also, he never hides from me about his outside relationships, and I know his current girlfriend is falling in love with him. He started pulling away from me long before he started seeing her so I know she's not responsible, but I feel that the extra time he spends away from home is at least partially due to trying to keep her happy. I don't want to end this relationship he has with her, but I also don't really know how to set boundaries for their relationship... it was never an issue before. I need help!
 
As far as sex goes, your husband is either interested in sex or he isn't. It is unfortunate that that aspect of your relationship isn't satisfying to you, but he can't force himself to want you sexually if he doesn't.

But it is concerning that he seems to be breaking relationship agreements and leaving you to do all the work with the kids. As parents, you share a responsibility and he needs to be able to do his fair share with them, to sit with them for you to be able to have nights out if you are always sitting with them so he can go out. Your husband also needs to be able to make agreements that he can stick to. He should not be agreeing to one thing (even if you will be angry with him for disagreeing) if he is going to do another. He should share his truth and disagree with you so that you can find a way to negotiate something that works for the both of you.
 
The rules he broke was first family time, where he became infatuated with a new partner and put her before us, going so far as to be late for our second childs birth, texting with her while I was in labor, and some other unpleasant problems. I choose to let him figure out he was being a jerk rather than veto the relationship because I knew if he didn't end it on his own he would resent me for forcing his hand. He smartened up after awhile and things got much better for a bit.

The second time was when he chose not to use protection with a partner, leaving us open to the danger of a pregnancy outside our marriage, something we want to avoid as much as it is possible.

I'm very frustrated by his lack of involvement with our children. It's been an isue with him regardless of whether he's in a relationship with someone else at the time or not and something he's frequently promised to rectify but hasn't. Right now I'm trying to get him to commit to at least 6 hours a week spending time with them, and I hope I can keep him to that.
 
That sounds like a bad situation.

You are right that you can't control him and will likely cause a lot of resentment if you try.

Have you thought about what you plan to do if he does not improve? What is your limit or last straw beyond which you will say you do not want to be involved in a relationship with him anymore?
 
His talk does not match his walk. :(

You could ask him if he is willing to talk about the problems of family time, coparenting, and talk about sex share with you. If he is still in this or not and what he willing and able to contribute here in a reliable way.

If he says he is not willing? Or if the talk and walk continue not to match believe the actions. Accept he is checking out on his marriage and parent responsibilities and no. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. That is on him. :(

It stinks. But better to know for sure than limbo forever. Then you could be free to make your own plan to carry on without him.

I am sorry you deal in this.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
His reliable answer for when I want him to spend more time with us is that he doesn't have more time (due to work) and that when he has free time he just wants to relax, not deal with the kids. He's committed to now letting me have 1 afternoon to go out on my own a week.

So far every attempt I've taken to talk to him about things he takes as a personal attack, and since he isn't home very often I have a hard time catching him alone to even try and discuss things with him. I guess I can only wait to see if he will hold to his promise of giving me an afternoon a week, and hope that he will spend that time doing something fun with the kids.
 
when he has free time he just wants to relax, not deal with the kids.
Click to expand...

He probably should've thought of that before he had the kids.

His kids should come before his other relationships. This man needs to step up and be a father.

As for your marriage, it doesn't sound like you're getting the things you need out of your relationship with him--no sex, little help parenting. That's a tough situation, I understand you have two small children and I'm guessing he's the breadwinner, so you'll have to consider carefully: Are you willing to stay in a sexless marriage where you do all the child-rearing in exchange for financial security and the ability to pursue other lovers (if you ever find the time?)
 
Sounds like he's already checked out and isn't interested in working on saving your marriage. How much longer are you willing to put up With that? He doesn't sound like a partner
 
I don't blame him for his disinterest in our sex life. Like someone else said, he can't change how he feels sexually, and while it's a disappointment for me to loose that aspect of our relationship I can live without it if that need is being met somehow. We've always been best friends, and he's always checking in during the day with texts and support, but he (understandably) doesn't want to deal with personal stuff while he is at work, and can't seem to find the time to come home and deal with it here. He has a very long commute and it's just as easy for him to go home to his girlfriends house as to come home to ours (he gets home from work after 10 pm). I can get where he is coming from with all his stress and work, he just can't seem to see where I am coming from, wanting a break being a work at home mother. I just don't know how to get through to him anymore, and serious talks seem to stress him out more than they should.

I can live with being his best friend and not his lover, I just need all my needs met somehow, and my kids need their father.
 
Ao basically he provide financial support but that's it? He doesn't sound like someone id be best friends with. He doesn't sound like much of a either.
 
Long before poly came into my marriage my partner was already checking out on the parent responsibilities. My 16 year old feels and tells me repeatedly her father doesn't care about her, he's always on his phone or being lazy. Now she's adding in always with his girlfriend. It sucks her heart is broken. All I can do for her is be a best friend. Her dad is not willing to discuss it and if I bring it up I'm accused of trying to make him feel like crap.

Its hard to advise what to do. Just be aware his actions from your descriptions describe an adult who regrets choices he's made and wishes to shirk all responsibility. If he's not willing to have a much needed discussion you could make some exit strategies for yourself. Its hard to do trust me. Yet the continued treatment you'll be going through will only cause you lack of self respect and feeling very unhappy with your life.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top