Not Sure Where to Begin

M

morethanlost

New member
I guess I should start with Hello

...Hello

I am pretty new to this... this being forums and polyamory. I'm 24 and grew up using computers, you think I would be great at using the internet...

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how I identify. I'll start with I am a heterosexual female. For the most part I have always identified as a monogamist, I guess because I had never known anything else.

I grew up in a place I guess that is closed minded... not that there aren't accepting people here just that I've never learned about much else besides monogamy....that and I grew up Roman Catholic. I'm not much of a church goer but being brought up this way has laid a specific foundation in me with regards to relationships that I have been challenging for almost three years...most unsuccessfully I might add.

Almost three years ago I started seeing someone who was in an open-relationship and not fully identifying as poly yet. I wasn't the number 1 partner so to speak and never thought I would be, but now I am. And I am more than lost. My relationship has been more than confusing because I'm not sure my partner is sure of himself yet.

I am here because I love this man very much. So much so that I am experimenting with being in a poly relationship and have already changed much of my life just to be with him. I have not had any other partners but he has. I feel like I am constantly in crisis and need to seek guidance from those experienced in such relationships.

Oh, here's an extra loop... i live in the US he lives in Europe and so I stay 90 days on my passport twice a year to be with him...

So I am here and will be venturing to find much advice on opening up to poly and dealing with insecurities/jealousies etc.

Thanks in advance for being an accepting and knowledgable community.
 
hi more than lost

it must be exhausting feeling like you're in crisis all the time. I'm sure people here will endeavour to help with advice or empathy or sharing their own experiences when you want to discuss specific elements of yours.

You sound like you've been trying to make it work with this man you love for a very significant amount of time now. And perhaps you're still seeking a real balance and understanding of what this relationship is and can be?

My mum told me when I was teenager, probably only 14 or 15, that one person can't be everything you need in your life. Even Cosmo tells girls that - not to forsake friendships when you get a boyfriend. Well, polyamory is in many ways that concept but often with the addition of romantic love. Different people provide us with different things. Sometimes insecurities stem from the idea that another person will provide our b/f with something that we can't. I'm just not as funny as my husband's ex g/f, he doesn't laugh the way with me that he did with her. But I can evoke different reactions from him with greater ease than she could. As I learn more about myself, and what I can give to others, I am less insecure. I hope this community can help you learn about yourself and if a polyamorous lifestyle is preferable to you than the Roman Catholic teachings on relationships, and societal norms.

best wishes
Evie
 
Hi Evie,

Thanks for your response!
Yes I have been at this for a while and still trying to find a balance. I feel as though I put a lot of effort into this relationship and understanding it. I do know that you can't be everything to a person. I struggle with wanting to be the best all of the time, I am therefore competitive...working on this in therapy but I fear it will take a long time to change a lifetime of thinking that way. I also struggle to understand how I am significant or provide him something different than the other women he sees. Our communication needs a lot of work.

I won't get too much into it here, I realize that's what discussions are for.

I already feel much better being on here and seeing previous posts, discussions etc.
Thanks for the warm welcome!
 
Greetings morethanlost,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I want to recommend a few books to you:

  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
It sounds like you're struggling to slough off some of the teachings you grew up with, as well as cope with your partner having other partners. I can't help but be sympathetic. I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help to you in sorting things out. Have a look at our various threads and let us know of your thoughts, questions, or concerns.

It's good to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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