Not wanting contact with potential metamour

[gwendolenthefair]

I have a long-distance SO, Kai, who is very big on wanting everyone to be friendly and get along. He has a new potential romantic interest, Nora. Nothing has happened yet; they've only seen each other twice. He has twice given me her contact information and encouraged me to get in touch with her. The problem is, I feel I can't support him having a relationship with her, based on what I know about her. In fact, had he been in a preexisting relationship with her when we met, he and I would not be involved at all.

Kai did date someone else for a bit a few months ago, and I was completely supportive of it. The funny thing was, he didn't offer me contact info for that one, although I would have been happy to write to her, chat with her, whatever she wanted. I'm assuming that he's taking his cues from the women in terms of encouraging a metamour relationship.

I just wrote to Kai to say that since I am not his primary partner, he's certainly free to pursue whatever other connections he likes, but this particular connection with Nora, I don't want to know details beyond what I need to keep myself safe (whether they've had sex and what safety protocol was followed), and I do not want any communication with her. I haven't heard back from him yet, but am fairly sure that he did not like reading that.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? I am slightly uncomfortable because I don't believe in "don't ask, don't tell" situations, but this isn't exactly like that. He's a long-distance partner, and not a primary one, either.

 

[opalescent]

May I ask why you don't want to have contact with this Nora? It sounds like you would strongly prefer that Kai not be in a relationship at all with her, given you and he would not be together if she had been in a relationship with him first. Is that correct? Does he know that? Does he know why you have serious reservations about her? Does he have similar concerns about her?

If you and Kai have not talked about the reasons behind your reservations, then I would lay it out for him. Yes, of course, he may still continue on with Nora, but that was never your decision to make. However, perhaps he may hesitate and rethink. At worst, he will continue but be more aware, and hopefully able to manage your constraints about contact with her, and their relationship in general.

Good luck!

 

[Anneintherain]

In your position, I don't imagine I'd want or need to have any contact with the potential metamour either. Life is too short to make nice with people you don't like, if you won't be spending time together.

Unless I had so much in common with a long distance metamour that I'd really hit it off as friends with them... well, we know long-distance relationships are hard enough to maintain, so there's no reason to start new ones. If you aren't looking for pen pals, why would you want to invest energy in a relationship like that?

I might tell Kai that Nora could contact me if she wanted (if you were okay with that, which it seems like you aren't), but I'd certainly say "I don't have any intention of contacting her," and I'd tell him why I didn't desire a friendship with her. I'm not sure why he is putting the onus on you. What you are suggesting isn't anywhere near a DADT, and there's no reason to feel badly. Wanting metamours to be friends, and insisting on it, are two different things, and I hope he doesn't try to make you out to be a bad person just because you don't feel like making yourself feel uncomfortable to make him happy.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm not a huge fan of any "requirement" to get to know a metamour. I think as long as you are satisfied that there is full disclosire of the relationship with all partners involved, that should be enough.

In the case of LDRs, you truly have to trust that everyone is being honest, but I don't see a reason to even make contact.

Having metamours that all get along can be wonderful (that is my personal experience), but trying to force that state can sometimes take away from the core relationship (my personal observation).

This can be uncomfortable for some who need that connection with their partner's partners. It then becomes a matter of how valuable the relationship is, when weighed against the compromise of not getting your metamour needs met.

 

[gwendolenthefair]

Opalescent, I prefer not to have a relationship with the potential metamour because I have trust issues in situations where the metamour is a dominant. I don't like the power they can wield.

I have been in a situation where my partner gave a dominant metamour too much power, and she chose to use it against me, with disastrous results. A similar thing also happened recently to my best buddy. His girlfriend acquired a dom, the dom said "Get rid of your other partners," and she rushed to do his bidding. My friend, who had been devoted to her for two years, got tossed aside like yesterday's garbage.

So now, I choose not to date submissives. Kai is not one (I think). He's just met a woman he thinks is cool who happens to be a domme. I communicated my misgivings to him, and he is going ahead anyway, which is his prerogative. He's an adult.

Anneintherain and MonoVCPHG, thanks for your words of support. I feel much better about my decision now.