Notes from the Underground

LaminarFlow

LaminarFlow

Active member
When contemplating for a title of my blog, I almost wanted to insert "I have concepts of a blog title", but that seemed too cheeky. And with the state of the world as it is right now and feeling slightly pessimistic, I opted for something with a little more dramatic effect.

So my partners and I have been LDR the majority of the time. Magnet and I have since recently started to "nest" again, with him still keeping his own place. A spontaneous project in my country landed on his lap for ~3 to 4 years if not shorter, so I have emptied some drawers for him. It's been a very funny and WEIRD few weeks, but like really good weird??? The last time we nested was 8 years ago before life pulled us apart, and me being in my 20s was a very different phase of my life.

Last year we exchanged some couple bands. No, we are not betrothed or are planning to in the near future, but it was a very nice and special moment to show each other a different kind of commitment. We do talk sometimes about marrying our partners later in life, when we're 70-80 years old with all the children and grandchildren. Getting married at the near end, and celebrate all the achievements through a wedding is something we sometimes fantasize about out loud. Hopefully polyamorous marriages will be legalized by then.

Magnet Nesting 2.0 is a mixed feeling of Bambi trying to walk, adding extra parmesan cheese on a perfected Shephard's Pie and closing a Q4 M&A deal all-in-one. It's a ten second internal crisis vortexing, we laugh, eye-roll and get to the order of the day. Like what we are doing? Did we just took a time-machine back and forth, and back again? *shrugs*

Little One is over the moon with Magnet being here. Magnet usually has been staying here for a few days, sometimes a week or two max, depending on work, but hanging out with him for a longer period is making both of them definitely more chipper than usual. Aside from the big holidays, no partner lived here for a long time with us.

This now actually reminds me of the logistics thread I started and did an Irish Goodbye to. Whoops. I'll get back to that.

Also Sabre's birthday is coming up next month, and is going to do a big shindig. It's the first time that he's going to introduce us (the KTP) to ALL his family members. Uncertain about what to expect, but I'm quite sure an interesting evening is ahead. Some of them are a bit ehm... of traditional/conservative nature, so we might get some side-eyes from the captious aunties. My meta CC and I already made an agreement to giggle together over (virgin) cocktails in the designated poly-corner. We are determined fun is happening.
 
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Slept in today.
It was — for the love of Pizza — a very taxing, but good week. Had a lot of benefit from using my poly-brain again at work these days. When some colleagues see the perspectives from squares and try to fit in that framework, it was amazing to use a polyargument for the circles and triangles, especially when taking on a prima facie-case.

Aster, a childhood friend, is in the country this weekend. We went to the botanical garden for a stroll and late lunch yesterday, and discovered some fascinating parallels. Who knew that plants are actually also poly and pansexual. Their female parts can make love with so many other plants, until all their flowers are fertilised, and then they are poly-saturated with multiple partners. Their male parts (pollen) can go anywhere, brought by the blazing wind or pollinators, until their nesting partner (themselves) is saturated. They are for the most part hermaphrodites, with a few exceptions that are pure male or female.

If we are all intrinsic "polyamorous", would monogamy or polygamy just be something that we simply "do" or "choose" or are some just mono like some plants are monogamous to the soil? When plants are generally poly, except for those we keep in the home: they remain polyamorous, but we force them into monogamy. If we are all poly and have the chance to date more? Is mono/poly a lifestyle, or really what we feel inside and the mono is just "saturated" at one. So many million dollar questions.

⸙​

ℳeanwhile, — Rover, a poly friend — shared the news he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was haunted with the ultimate mind-twister. He was weighing up the definite quantity vs quality-time measure. Going for a treatment with less than 40% success rate or being guaranteed another 10-12 months? Gambling with life like that? Defrauded over a moment's vision? How on earth would you need to be making that decision? 1000 colonoscopies in a day would have been more tempting (referring to that infamous LI post). I chuckled (hesitantly), but I'm glad my jester is still in there.

When speaking with Rover about life, memories and what's to come, I noticed him using words in past tense. Like a layer of himself made a decision sooner than another layer of himself. So this week I sent him a meditation song that I always listen to when taking a bath when I'm facing a difficult decision. And this morning I received:

Thank you for the lovely music and all the care.
Just finished my last hacking competition and had
a long bath last night listening to it. The calmness
and peace washing over me and it then sank
into my soul. It is right for me not to fight,
but to embrace the love and life I have whilst I
have it. Thanks again my dear bridge pal.
Have a beautiful weekend. X

So I guess I gave him that nudge... and he's ready to start the last chapter of his life. Got a little lump in my throat, but I'm happy that he's happy to be finally be at peace. I'm going to hug the Little One tightly when he gets home.
 
Probably should write down some names of people from my loving orbit.

Laboucle LDR partner
Magnet nesting partner (for now... )
Sabre LDR partner overseas
CC meta through Sabre
Rahavard "Raja" meta through Magnet
Mads meta through LaBoucle

Rover close poly friend that practises solo poly, is now on end of life journey.
Serge poly friend also solo poly

Aster childhood friend that lives overseas
Amale another childhood friend that lives overseas

Burton ex now close friends since my teens
Riv ex now close friends.

Bluhdorn comet (previous local partner), reconnecting somehow.
 
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Blueprints. Everyone has a different one to make a relationship work for them.
Laboucle has been talking to this colleague that is poly-curious — he's divorced, single for a while — and now wants to discover his polyamorous side for how long that will go until he perhaps decides to go do monogamy and go down the escalator? Her work environment is rather fluid, with a few co-workers who are in the ENM and poly-sphere. While the most of us here have a strict "messy" list when it comes to vetting for a committed partner, Laboucle merely requires open communication about wants and needs and an amicable exit-strategy beforehand to keep conflict resolution to a minimum. With the hours she makes, she finds it hard to find people to date outside her place of work. And she just doesn't know how to ask someone out that's out there seemingly walking their dog or exercising the squats.

I admire her and her colleagues for being able to do healthy workplace romance.
Work is my sanctuary, my escape, my external home from home that's just for me, and I just don't want to share that with anyone. Once, I did have an unrequited crush on a workmate, but it was working out so smoothly because they were working 8,000 miles away from me and we were never going to date anyway.

My blueprint is friendship, and in that framework there needs to be a lot of freedom, autonomy, emotional and physical space among other things, and not going into a connection that has a clear expiration-date. While all/most relationships have a shelf life, I don't really want to plan for it during courtship. Laboucle is built different and segues right back into a cool colleague-mode without needing too much of that "emotional space."

I am not sure if I should give him a nickname yet, because I'm going to give it some time to let it stick, but for now I'll go with Laboucle's Colleague, and LC and Laboucle are taking it slow.


Another workplace story is that Amale was dealing with some uncomfortable guests. She had a quite close-knit group project for a few weeks, then on the last few days, she was dealing with two people that were lightly "unicorn-hunting" her, the female taking the reigns while the male counterpart felt surprisingly uneasy in this instance when the lady was overstepping with the personal inquiry.
Amale couldn't place the female on female sexual intimidation, only because the one that was doing the harrassment was a woman and more senior than her. But asking if one is single or has ever been with a woman at the morning coffee stand at work is never OK!

She felt a little lonely this week being away for so long and missing the husband.
 
Oh, that was a spectacular few days. Thanks for the reminder, I've had a giggle with Nevyn (who I didn't know back then) over it.
 
Sabre's birthday shindig was fantastic! Almost everyone had their legs up. The Two Notorious Aunties were giving some of the sideyes which CC and I thoroughly enjoyed. One Auntie made a comment to Sabre that she was happy to see him having fun and wondering when he is going to settle down and rear some bairns, like we are the hot flavours of the month. He shunned upon her that CC doesn't want children and I wasn't ready for another one. The antiquated look was absolute fun.

Everyone was lovely, and the following day of the party we did some "Hot Tub Therapy" with his cousins — who we may possibly have converted to polyamory. One cousin was still in a mourning process of a breakup. Some socioeconomic differences led to the ending, that he thought could have been mitigated with polyamory and would have solved their issue.

They ended things after four years, because... difference of milieu. It's a tale as old as time. Fitting in the "bubble", but not within the framework (of the mononormative mind) of how a partner should be complimenting another. With some expectation-management and resource-management, the cousin was comfortable displacing himself to a secondary spot as long as he could love and be close to her again. They seem to miss eachother dearly, so hopefully they'll find their way towards eachother again.

An early Valentine's evening, Sabre and I had our *real* (improved version) escalator-talk after the whole babymaking remark. I've assumed that if he wanted the nuclear family he would go find someone else due to the nature of our transatlantic commute, and didn't think it would ever be in the cards for us. I would want and see myself having another one in the future, but most likely would let the universe decide — when I'm ready again — rather than actively planning for it. Sabre is flexible - he would want a kid, but is accepting of it never happening. He would have to slow down more work-wise, but he find it to be the perfect time being forty odd.

Work is insane this and next week, and coming home today to Magnet and Little One's Valentine's Day notes around the house made me feel the luckiest woman on this planet. I'll send them off with a proper goodbye in the morning as I won't be seeing them until Monday.
Magnet and I have planned a belated Valentine's evening for next weekend; a Finnish ENM/Poly movie "Four Little Adults" has been on our watchlist for ages, so that is something to look forward to.

Happy Valentine's day, everyone! ♥
 
Is it just me or are there suddenly more poly people popping out of their caves and into the surface?

Striking up conversations with dwellers... Dog and their owner that strolled with us in the forest, a neighborhood fellow, people's at the sauna, Sabre's cousins, fellow in narrow seat on flight, my new hairdresser (who confided in me being in transition after she asked about my "status"), table-neighbours that I overheard when I was dining out over the weekend.

This was just in the last few weeks, and it is kind of making me feel very hopeful about the world.
 
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Rover has been going nomadic for the last couple of weeks, hiking along the Mediterranean coast all the way to Central Asia, and will be finishing it in Switzerland using Gravitas services. He still has about 7 months left until it will be physically challenging for him to travel. Until then he is soaking up the earth and letting go of worldly things.

Kiddo and I joined him in Italy for the weekend at one of his pitstops. He looked good. Emotionally, mentally and spirtually at a great place, enjoying the simplistic currency of time and love. We shared so many laughs, warmth and joy, that most of the time I even forgot he is ill until he unpacked his dose of medicine. It was weird like that.
 
Have been wondering a lot about love today. There are so many different kinds and layers of love; Platonic (friendship), Eros (romantic love), Storge (familial/r love), Philia (affectionate love), Pragma (enduring love), Ludus (playful love), Philautia (self-love), and then there is Mania (obsessive love). With Mania taking the prize of the most "devillish" of all. And perhaps there are many more kinds of love with the Wheel of Emotions and the continuous transformative mental,- and emotional state of humans.

If limerence makes you feel alive, whether it is good or bad, is it really worse than not having loved at all? Even when not expecting anything in return?

When love is an action, big or small, unrequited or not, is all love not suppose to be good? Poets of yore would turn in their graves.

This beautiful piece of W.H. Auden shifted my belief

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
 
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