Hey Meera,
Thank you so much for your advice and your encouragement! It helps to understand that what I am experiencing with Be is probably the end of NRE and potentially the beginning of a new feeling. Right now I am just grieving about the end of this NRE with them, because it was just wonderful.
What I am worried about is that I have this really strong urge to be in my hometown the next weeks (Be lives in a different city) and explore not only this new connection, but also the friendships I have here. In 3 months I probably have to move to start my masters somewhere else. Potentially really far away. And I really wanted to spend this time connecting with Be (and of course my friends) and building a strong base for this long-distance relationship.
But now I am scared that when I really start connecting with this new person, my NRE will get even stronger and I will constantly feel torn between them. Somehow I also feel like my new crush is not the reason for this, but more the end of NRE with Be, which led me to being more autonomous and focused on other connections in general. This was a really nice feeling the last weeks, because I could trust in our relationship and my genuine feelings for Be.
Last weekend was really shocking, when I found myself somehow longing to be back in my town, and also thinking about the intensity with this new person. It felt like I had no access to the deep feelings for Be that always drew me back to them. And now I have to completely rely on my knowledge that those feelings are there somewhere and hopefully come back. This makes me extremely anxious. When I am at home, I am completely sure that Be is damn important for me, but being with them I was just searching for those feelings and got more and more anxious about it.
I think what might help is that we talk a lot a lot on the phone, and by doing this we keep the connection, even though I am not visiting them that often (or that long) anymore. But I also like your idea to set specific date times and really appreciate each other even more.
I think I am just really bad at losing control, and this often triggers both avoidance and anxiety at the same time. But is it normal to have more distant phases in a long-term relationship, as long as both are fine with this, or would you recommend really ignoring this urge and just try to keep our relationship as close as before?
What also plays into this is that Be and I had plans to go on holidays together the whole August, but I felt I could not do this this year, since this would be the last month in my hometown and I want to say goodbye to everyone. But I feel like this would have been the greatest opportunity to really secure our bond, and now I just feel so guilty.
Ah, and I think a huge part of my anxiety is also due to the crush. I am scared that my limited time resources will drive them away, or we won't be able to establish something stable until I leave for my masters. I think in theory both relationships could really thrive in this time, but in practise I am just so worried to make mistakes.
Thank you also sharing your ERI experience, I am really looking forward to have this with Be someday
Hi Kathrin, I think it's great that you're worrying about this because it means you're consciously trying to handle things correctly with two relationships and learning to be the "hinge" of a relationship V.
We hear from so many people who are the established partner and feel neglected (or downgraded, or in poly hell) when their partner experiences NRE. You are clearly trying to make sure you don't create that kind of situation.
But, it sounds like the problem is only in your head (or in your feelings) at this point. Your established partner is supportive and encouraging.
Maybe you can just feel your feelings for a bit? Enjoy the buzz of the new relationship. Keep nurturing your established relationship with date nights and quality time together. Maybe the anxiety will fade as you adjust to the new normal of having two partners.
And, lean into the ERI (established relationship intimacy). It's a real thing, and we tend not to talk about it as much as we talk about NRE. The term is a good one, in my option--it really is about the intimacy rather than the energy/excitement. Trust, comfort, connection, ease, familiarity. Warm and fuzzy instead of hot and buzzy. And it's SO great!
Ohhh, I just realized something. Your "established" relationship is actually still pretty new. Not at the 3-year mark yet. We say that NRE can typically last about 2 years, so maybe your established relationship is only recently transitioning from "new" to "established." In other words, maybe you haven't quite developed that ERI yet.
When I was with Eli, we were probably 7 years into our relationship before we started to say, "You know, I think we're having ERI!" It was kind of a surprise to us.
So, my advice would just be to give both your relationships time. Let the new one settle and find its rhythm as you explore it. Let the established one continue to grow (and make sure you keep nurturing it).
Unless there is a specific problem or issue that is making you feel anxious?
