NRE how long to do begin worrying?

To Be Honest

We are probably one of those stupid couples they warn you about who open up to help their marriage. Yikes! But in our case, it's worked so far. We fought constantly about sex and I was constantly upset because he wanted sex and I wasn't attracted. Now that he has a lover, he feels much more empowered and I feel "off the hook" and happy for him.

I felt totally engulfed by my family, and like I was not longer just myself. Now, I feel free to go out into the world and feel sexy or play or be wild, and have a secure home to come to. Has anyone has a similar experience?
 
bofish said:
It fits most into primary/secondary...but different in some respects. It seems in that model, falling in love is off the table?
Click to expand...
The first and second examples of primary/secondary in GG's link show NSA / swinger relationships, which usually forbid emotional connection. The non-swinger example was doing well until it used "falling in love" as the trigger for demonstrating a veto rather than something else like substance abuse or non-specific heebie jeebies, but it was an example showing how veto applies to the structure rather than of the structure itself.

There's no checklist you have to fit if you choose to label yourself; it comes down to what the people in the relationship have agreed to. If the people in a primary/secondary relationship agree that falling in love is ok, then falling in love is ok. If they agree that they'll only eat strawberry icecream together then eating strawberry icecream with others is not ok unless they first renegotiate the boundaries. In either case someone on the outside is within their rights to decide that they don't want anything to do with that type of set-up and move on, but the boundaries a couple set for themselves can be anything.
 
Glad you are not too anxious then. ;)

See? Reading the article helped you articulate what you are after in your situation even if the article did not describe you situation to the "T." Sometimes it helps to have something to look at rather than drawing it up "from blank paper."

You have to know your own wants, needs, and limits/boundaries in order to articulate them to someone else like a dating potential. Then they can determine if they are up for it or not with you.

You seem to have been able to articulate this so far:

WHAT I WANT AND DON'T WANT:

Something like primary/secondary in this article. ...but different in some respects.

We're married, but live more or less like friends. We have separate bedrooms and sex isn't off the table but we've had it few times in the last two years. My husband doesn't have any kind of veto over me or vice versa. His girlfriend has some negotiation power, but only some. My partner would have (same? something else?)

We do not plan to live with a third person while raising our son. I could even see us living separately with other people after our son is raised.

We intend not to divorce.

  • I don't want any hook ups.
  • I hope for long term relating rather than short term.
  • I want to date ethically and not hurt anyone.
  • I want to chance falling in love.
  • I want my partner to be a safe person with not too much attachment so I can explore my sexuality with them comfortably.
  • I would like to be viewed as sexy and desireable by my partner.
  • I would like my partner will become a passionate love and friend.

Is there anything else you would add? Is that good enough for now? You decide that.

After that -- just put it out there to your potentials when ready. HOW you put it out there is up to you.

There isn't a big thing to online dating -- in the end when you meet in real time for face-to-face date? It's the same as it ever was:

Be safe, tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Meet in public spaces, drive yourself, pay your own way. Be polite, see if there's a connection or not.
  • If yes, enjoy and maybe make a second date.
  • If no, end it and don't make a second date.
But say thanks for the date either way politely.

Galagirl
 
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Join clubs that interest you and meet people who interest you.

Met Murf in real life via the classic car scene
 
Some of my most successful first dates have been at my home (son away) or at their home. It's very rare that I can meet someone right away, I usually chat to them quite a bit before we meet although I tend to set a date early on. It's better for me to be somewhere super low key and although I wouldn't recommend everyone do it, I trust my sense of character.

The worst that's happened is meeting someone you're not enamored with and I don't see them again. No, actually, it was having sex with that guy who started cuckolding my other partners. But I just left. Never been stalked, raped or otherwise seriously harmed by a stranger off the internet. It's the fuckers closer to home who do that shit.
 
ring?

Dagferi,

This is a stupid question, but how do you get boys to flirt with you if you have a wedding ring on? I have been thinking this over, because merely seeing the ring might turn some away and I don't want t"I'm poly!" to be the first sentence I say LOL
 
I do not wear my ring because I have lost so much weight it doesn't fit. Even when I did men would still hit on me.

I don't go looking for partners. I just live my life. Behave as I normally do and things just happen Naturally . I am polyfi so I am out of the dating pool. But still have Murf's friends ask me if I have a sister.

Actually early in my relationship with Murf he was unsure if he wanted to date me because of me being married to Butch. But one of his car friends said if you are not going to date her I will go for her...lol. We have been together ever since. I understand Murf's fear . He is monogamous . But he loves the fact I am independent and he likes his me time on occasion . I have been here with him for a week. I am going home tonight because my kids have to go back to school tomorrow. I joked that he needed a break from me. He answered but I would rather have you here till Friday with me. That is when he goes back to work.
 
Maybe I'm over thinking this : but how do you be open to guys who hit on you with a wedding ring when cheating it against "poly". I mean when they hit on you, they are probably assuming they are hitting on a monogamous married woman, hoping she will cheat.
 
I always wear my wedding ring. (But I've noticed, from reading many international forums, that in my country (somewhere in Europe) people pay much less attention to wedding rings).

Whenever someone starts to flirt with me, the conversation tends to drift to love and relationships pretty soon - probably because it's one of my favorite subjects and I don't do small talk.
So it often comes up within minutes of starting to talk someone (I mean when there's really hitting on/ flirting involved).

I usually say 'I'm taken but available' (sounds better in my language, trust me) and then they ask 'how does that work?' and I tell them everybody knows about everybody and honesty is key, and then a nice conversation about the subject starts.

I could never get involved even a little bit with someone who did not know off the bat what the situation was. Did that once, gave me a lot of heartache. So I might as well tell them straight up.
 
I've found that men rarely pay any attention to my wedding ring. They assume if I'm flirting with them, I'm available. One guy, even after I Facebook friended him where my status clearly says "married," still assumed I was separated, as I was so obviously flirting with him.

I have learned to say as soon as I know I'm interested: "I'm married, but that doesn't mean I don't want to get to know you. My husband and I have an understanding."

I've had little trouble finding people (especially men) willing to have a sexual relationship with a married woman. Finding people willing to forge an emotional connection as well has been more difficult. If you have a polyamorous community where you live, you might have better luck finding people willing to form emotional as well as sexual connections.
 
If the conversation/flirting comes to would you like to do xyz with me. I would then say to the man. I would love to do xyz with you but just so you know I am married but I have an open relationship. Then we would have the polyamory talk. I am blunt and to the point.

For example met Murf while out with friends out at classic car cruises and events locally . I am in the classic car scene Butch is not. One of the stops is at a local diner Murf asked me out over dinner on our third meeting. We that night had a talk about poly and how I ran my relationships. After mulling things over he decided he wanted me in his life. 2 years later we get stronger day by day.
 
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