OKC advice

A

anonymousgirl

New member
So I recently made an okcupid account yesterday and a couple people visited my page >.<

One of those people I find very interesting and 'liked' her. She hasn't 'liked' me back yet but she also hasn't logged back on since yesterday.
I want to message her commenting on the information she gave via her profile.

Should I wait until she 'likes' me back before messaging her? (if she does)

Also, she is a 96% match but when I go to "browse matches" by % I don't see her. I can only see her through the "who visited you" page. What does that mean?

I've never dated online before so I'm not too familiar with all this.

Advice and suggestions are much appreciated! :)
 
Definitely message her if you're interested. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think it's a good idea to use things she has in her profile in the message. Much better than a one-liner message, for sure. :)

You may have filters that are blocking her from your match results.

Good luck!
 
Thanks Petunia!

Yeah it's definitely not gonna be a one-liner. I just finished writing down points I'd like to talk about based on her profile and it looks like it's gonna be 1-2 paragraphs....not sure if I'm over doing it lol

Then again she does say in her 'message me' that she doesn't like short emails with little material:D
 
anonymousgirl said:
Also, she is a 96% match but when I go to "browse matches" by % I don't see her. I can only see her through the "who visited you" page. What does that mean?
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She probably doesn't match one or more of your search criteria. For example if you have your filter set for a 25-35 year old female within 50km of you and she's 24 or lives 60km away you won't see her on your list of matches, but because you fit her filters (or she was randomly sent to your profile by the Quickmatch button) she saw you.
 
Hey there anonymousgirl,

My vote is that you should go ahead and message this person that interests you. No need to wait for her to officially like you, that would be overthinking things so early in the game.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Having some experience with okc, I agree with going ahead and sending a message. Unless she is an A List member, she will not see that you "liked" her. Also, be aware that not all people on dating sites have manners. Some will just ignore messages if they don't think it's a perfect fit.
 
Vinsanity, have you read the thread where people post their latest train-wreck OkCupid messages? In many cases (and having been a female on a dating site I'd almost say the majority of cases) it has nothing to do with manners on the part of the recipient; a lot of messages don't deserve a reply.
 
Emm said:
a lot of messages don't deserve a reply.
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Also, the introductory message might be perfectly poilte & sincere, but most women will just not reply unless they see potential for a match. Emm is right that this is not "bad manners" but just the way it is. I tried the "good manners" approach early on and pretty much any response is considered an indication of interest, so I completely understand why a woman usually opts to say nothing if she is not interested.

I got this from the other end when I wrote to a few women. Most women do not reply. A person has to know this basic of internet dating and not look at it as "bad manners" when it happens. Women (and some men) just do not reply if they don't see potential there - for any reason. It could be the appearance, something in the profile, the sexual preferences, the proximity, the relationship preference - you never know. That's just how it is. Nobody owes anyone else a reply or an explanation of disinterest since there is no relationship there.
 
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FallenAngelina said:
Also, the introductory message might be perfectly poilte & sincere, but most women will just not reply unless they see potential for a match. Emm is right that this is not "bad manners" but just the way it is. I tried the "good manners" approach early on and pretty much any response is considered an indication of interest, so I completely understand why a woman usually opts to say nothing if she is not interested.

I got this from the other end when I wrote to a few women. Most women do not reply. A person has to know this basic of internet dating and not look at it as "bad manners" when it happens. Women (and some men) just do not reply if they don't see potential there - for any reason. It could be the appearance, something in the profile, the sexual preferences, the proximity, the relationship preference - you never know. That's just how it is. Nobody owes anyone else a reply or an explanation of disinterest since there is no relationship there.
Click to expand...

I agree with Karen. Women are much more selective. I receive many more messages from men than women. And, women are less likely to reply to my messages. I can see why poly men have more difficulty finding partners than poly women....on average, men seem more willing to date someone who has an existing partner.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Also, the introductory message might be perfectly poilte & sincere, but most women will just not reply unless they see potential for a match. Emm is right that this is not "bad manners" but just the way it is. I tried the "good manners" approach early on and pretty much any response is considered an indication of interest, so I completely understand why a woman usually opts to say nothing if she is not interested.

I got this from the other end when I wrote to a few women. Most women do not reply. A person has to know this basic of internet dating and not look at it as "bad manners" when it happens. Women (and some men) just do not reply if they don't see potential there - for any reason. It could be the appearance, something in the profile, the sexual preferences, the proximity, the relationship preference - you never know. That's just how it is. Nobody owes anyone else a reply or an explanation of disinterest since there is no relationship there.
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I know that women do receive messages not worth replying to. I've received messages like that myself. Those are not what I am talking about.

Basically what you are saying is "it's internet dating so manners don't count". Of course nobody is "owed" anything on a personal level. I certainly don't take it personally. For me, it is just common courtesy to respond to a person who took the time to write me a thoughtful and sincere message. I think the anonymity of the internet has caused people to forget that screen nick is an actual person.
 
Emm said:
Vinsanity, have you read the thread where people post their latest train-wreck OkCupid messages? In many cases (and having been a female on a dating site I'd almost say the majority of cases) it has nothing to do with manners on the part of the recipient; a lot of messages don't deserve a reply.
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I haven't, but I will try to find it. I have heard stories from friends. I assure you I'm not one of the crude ones.

I just remembered I ran across this article the other day: http://jezebel.com/man-poses-as-woman-on-online-dating-site-barely-lasts-1500707724
 
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PinkPig said:
I agree with Karen. Women are much more selective. I receive many more messages from men than women. And, women are less likely to reply to my messages. I can see why poly men have more difficulty finding partners than poly women....on average, men seem more willing to date someone who has an existing partner.
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Everyone, regardless of gender, has a right to be selective. But it seems odd that poly women are less willing to date poly men. Perhaps women are just more selective because they have more willing suitors to choose from?
 
The problem with a woman answering any type of message on any type of dating site is that even if you say "Thanks for messaging me, I don't think we'd be a good match, good luck," the majority of the time the guy will see the response and think "Ooh, she answered, she wants to meet me" and will keep messaging the woman no matter how many times she tells him she's not interested.

It's easier--and sometimes safer--not to respond at all. No matter how "thoughtful" the message is.

Poly women sometimes aren't interested in poly men because of negative experiences with previous metamours. Sometimes with an established couple, the woman isn't as okay with the man seeing other women as he thinks she is, or as she would like to be, and she might complicate or outright sabotage the relationship. A man is less likely to behave that way toward another man than a women is toward another woman, speaking in broadly generalized terms. Dating a man who doesn't have an established partner takes away that possibility.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Basically what you are saying is "it's internet dating so manners don't count". Of course nobody is "owed" anything on a personal level. I certainly don't take it personally. For me, it is just common courtesy to respond to a person who took the time to write me a thoughtful and sincere message. I think the anonymity of the internet has caused people to forget that screen nick is an actual person.
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I must respectfully and heartily disagree with you on both counts. Manners certainly do count, but to not reply to an unsolicited message is not "bad manners." Also disagree that internet dating is anonymous and therefor breeds bad manners or callous behavior. I have found that the internet is much like everyday interaction in that generally what is put out is what is received. If one is on the lookout for callous behavor, one will certainly find it.


KC43 explains perfectly why no-reply is often the best reply when there is no interest:
KC43 said:
The problem with a woman answering any type of message on any type of dating site is that even if you say "Thanks for messaging me, I don't think we'd be a good match, good luck," the majority of the time the guy will see the response and think "Ooh, she answered, she wants to meet me" and will keep messaging the woman no matter how many times she tells him she's not interested.

It's easier--and sometimes safer--not to respond at all. No matter how "thoughtful" the message is.
Click to expand...
 
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KC43 said:
the majority of the time the guy will see the response and think "Ooh, she answered, she wants to meet me" and will keep messaging the woman no matter how many times she tells him she's not interested.
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I think this example is a bit overstated. The majority of men would not respond in such a case. I do, however, think that nobody deserves a reply on OKC or any online forum where it's so easy to post messages anonymously and with little investment. I have sent out a lot of nice messages on OKC with probably a 40% reply rate, which I just chalk up to those people being not interested for whatever reason and not that I didn't write a nice enough message. They should be able to get a good feel for you by looking at your profile, which means it is pretty important to create a good profile.

By the way, somewhat off-topic, but I met (and kissed) my first OKC match yesterday and it was, despite my ongoing discussions and therapy with my wife, solidly nice :).
 
FallenAngelina, how can you say that a message to someone on a dating site is unsolicited? Unless they have a list of "do not message me if ______" and you fill that blank, it is generally assumed they are soliciting to be messaged by people who are interested.

I'm not trying to further my argument. It is clear that we disagree on the general nature of the internet. That one statement struck me as funny though.
 
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