On the topic of going mono to poly.

M

Marasmus

New member
I have been poly for two and a half years now and have been with my current partner for over a year.
I recently met a woman. We are both attracted to each other but she is in a monogamous relationship. I told her that neither myself nor my girlfriend want her intimately involved with me as long as she's in a monogamous relationship.
She's been wanting to open her relationship for a while now but her boyfriend refuses. Meanwhile she feels unhappy in a monogamous relationship. She has tried to break up with him several times but every time he gets abusive: steals her belongings, talks trash about her to their friends...etc
Any advice on how I can help her?
 
That's what I was thinking or perhaps that she try putting a restraining order on him. I don't know if she has any proof of his abusive behavior though.
 
Hi Marasmus,

I don't think there's much you can do to help this woman. She's in an abusive relationship. She needs to be determined to get out no matter what. She can call the police and ask their advice, such as what resources they can point her to (e.g., a crisis center, a women's shelter). As much as possible, she should do what she needs to do when her boyfriend isn't around. But above all, she needs to leave him and stick with it, no matter what he does. This is a decision you can't make for her. She has to make it on her own.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like she's in a pretty unhealthy situation. I would personally be wary that she is the type to just jump ship from relationship to relationship in hopes of finding something better. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. the only way to have amazing relationships is to be amazing and the only way to be your amazing self is to ask yourself why you would be in such a relationship in the first place. I'm sorry to hear about the situation but can't help but to give the feedback of , "be careful".

mind fuck relationships are a brutal waste of time ... imho
 
I was this woman. I was stuck in a unhealthy, abusive, and monogamous relationship. In my case there are children involved making it very difficult to leave. I did extensive therapy, and self work inside my nightmare marriage which gave me the strength to leave. I waited to start dating over a year until the divorce was final, and I was well on my way through the stages of grief and healing at that point. I think that she needs to focus on herself, get herself out of that situation, and then once she is in a stable place with her own self she can explore whether a poly or a mono relationship is right for her. It is only possible to have a respectful and loving relationship with someone who loves and respects themselves, and unfortunately, most women in abuse situations do not.

Now, I am 2 years out and I just began dating a wonderful man who is in an open relationship. He does know details about my marriage, but I do not let any of that past relationship leak into ours. I am not sure where this will head, if I will decide I want to try to have others myself, or if I will get deeper into it and decide that it is not for me. The point is that I am ready. I am in a healthy headspace with my current and past relationships and I keep them separate. You deserve that, as do your partner or future partner(s).

I wish you the best of luck.
 
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