On the way to polyamory, maybe

[Vervain]

Hi all,

I'm 31. My partner is 29. We've been together an incredible 13 years, with very very little relationship experience, and limited sexual experience before we got together.

Last year, my partner told me he has feelings for one of our housemates and my first reaction was joy that he was being so open and honest with me. However, over the coming months, up until about 2-3 months ago, I was subject to a parade of my insecurities making themselves known whilst going through the process of coming to terms with what this meant to us and me.

Anyway, about one month ago, my partner wrote me an incredibly open-hearted and moving letter that was filled with love (he's never done this and struggles with words), and also telling me honestly how much he was struggling. He had come to realise that it wasn't just a case of loving this other person, but wanting to explore "poly" together.

We're anarchists and activists and lead radical lives. We had discussed poly years ago, and decided that we both agreed with it as an ethos, but that we had been monogamous for too long to make it work, or even consider it.

Since that letter (to which I felt the biggest relief) we have been so joyously happy and close. We've been having the most intimate discussions and being honest about the possibility of opening our relationship.

We have been reading zines and resources together. We watched Wendy-O Matic's film yesterday.

It all feels like its moving in a really positive direction. At this point, we still aren't even sure that we want other relationships/experiences, or could cope with it with each other, but we are definitely on a road of exploring it honestly.

Here come the questions:

1. If we decide to open our relationship, we would set an agreement. But how do you actually make it happen? Do you wait for a connection with someone, or approach people you have feelings for already, and find out if they would get involved?

2. Would experienced people suggest that only one of us try being with someone else first, and see how we both react, or would it be better for both of us to try have an experience with someone else?

3. Even if we decide to go for it, I'm still not sure at this point that I could deal easily with my partner being poly with my housemate, as we live together. Have people found this makes a difference or not? I'm coming to a place where I can imagine being okay with them being intimate and 'dating,' but think I would find it harder to start with, them being intimate in our home...

4. We've discussed starting slowly, e.g., both being happy with our partner connecting with other people, but only going so far as to kiss before checking in with our partner to see how we both feel about that before we take it further. However, in some ways, this feels like it would stifle the freedom we're trying to introduce.

5. Lastly, it seems like a whole load of pressure to put on the first person who were to get involved with either me or my partner, as they would be the first person to test the water for our new relationship, especially if they already know us as a long-term couple. Any advice of approaching potential new partners with this?

Sorry for all the questions.
Thanks in advance,
Vervain

 

[KC43]

Here come the questions:

I'm only answering from my own experience and opinions. There is no "one right way" to do polyamory, and in my opinion, the only "wrong" way is if someone is being hurt or harmed by it, including not being in complete agreement.

1. If we decide to open our relationship, we would set an agreement. But how do you actually make it happen? Do you wait for a connection with someone, or approach people you have feelings for already and find out if they would get involved?

When Hubby and I opened our marriage, we weren't thinking in terms of polyamory, but in terms of just having sex and friendships with others. But same basic concept. We set out our boundaries and agreements before we even began looking for other partners, because we wanted to make sure we were on the same page before anyone else got involved. Those boundaries and agreements are not set in stone. For example, one is "If we develop stronger feelings than friendship with anyone, we must stop communicating with that person," which obviously was completely thrown out the window when it came to Guy, but still applies to everyone else.

As for finding people to connect with, it depends. Hubby and I started looking on AdultFriendFinder, which is where he and I met, because we already knew and were sort of interested in a few people there, and it's a site where at least some people are open to being involved with a married person or couple. We don't have any in-person friends who would even consider such a thing. Other people have friends in their lives who might consider it, or join other sites like OKCupid. You're the best judges of how people you already know might respond if you approached them, or if it would be better to look elsewhere.

It also depends on whether you're seeking true polyamory, in which each of you may form a romantic/love relationship with someone else, or just trying an open relationship, where it's more about the fun/friendship and sex, and not so much about loving people other than each other.

2. Would experienced people suggest that only one of us try being with someone else first and see how we both react, or would it be better for both of us to try have an experience with someone else.

Again, that's something that you two are the best judges of, and it will also depend on what your agreements with each other entail. Is being with others separately okay with both of you, or would you prefer to always be together when someone(s) else is involved? I will say that unless you're open to being with another *couple*, you're probably more likely to each find people to be with separately than someone who's willing to be with both of you together.

3. Even if we decide to gio for it, I'm still not sure at this point that I could deal easily with my partner being Poly with my housemate as we live together. Have people found this makes a difference or not.
I'm coming to a place where I can imagine being OK with them being intimate and 'dating' but think I would find it harder to start with, them being intimate in our home...?

I've never been in this situation, but I have a friend who was sexually involved with his female roommate at one point. He found it to be extremely awkward, particularly when they broke up but still had to share a house. Personally, I would advise against becoming romantically or sexually involved with a housemate regardless of the situation, because of the potential for things ending badly.

In your specific situation, if you aren't comfortable with your partner and housemate getting together, particularly in your home, that's a boundary you have the right to *ask* for. You can express to them that you would prefer at first, they not have sex in your home but you're okay with them hugging and cuddling, for example. Or you could ask your partner to find someone other than your housemate to get involved with. They might not *agree*, but you can ask and express that this is an issue for you.

4. We've discussed staring slowly, e.g., both being happy with our partner connecting with other people, but only going so far as to kiss, before checking in with our partner to see how we both feel about that before we take it further. However, in some ways, this feels like it would stifle the freedom we're trying to introduce.

And another "it depends." This is something that is very specific to each couple/grouping. For some folks, yes, this would completely stifle freedom and spontaneity and wouldn't be acceptable. For others, any interaction with someone outside of the core relationship must be discussed and checked in about.

Hubby and I have more agreements and boundaries than Guy and I do, because Hubby and I are legally married, share a household, and are raising my kids from my first marriage. There's more potential for damage if something goes wrong between us. But one agreement I have with both men is that if I see someone else, I inform both of them about it, including (if they ask) giving the other person's screen name on whichever site I meet him through. That last is a safety measure Hubby and Guy requested because I have a traumatic history, so they want to make sure whoever I'm with is someone who won't harm me; they don't usually ask, but they wanted the option. If Hubby or Guy sees someone else, they inform me. (At this point, the only one actually seeing anyone else is Guy; Hubby's decided he's completely monogamous, and I have many reasons for not seeing anyone else at this time, including not being able to find anyone else I actually want to see.)

We don't check in every step of the way; if I or one of them goes out with someone else, the understanding is that anything that happens consensually on that date is acceptable. We don't have to tell each other what happens, even if asked, but we usually do anyway.

5. Lastly, it seems like a whole load of pressure to put on the first person to get involved with either me or my partner, as they would be the first person to test the waters for our new relationship, especially if they already know us as a long-term couple. Any advice for approaching potential new partners with this?

Openness. Honesty. Communication. In other words, if and when you and your partner become involved with someone else for the first time, tell that person it's the first time you've been involved with anyone else, and let them decide whether they're willing and able to handle that. Tell them this is something you and partner have chosen to explore, but you're in the learning process with it, and you don't know for sure how it will turn out.

As long as you, your partner, and anyone else you choose to involve communicates with one another, and is honest and upfront about issues, feelings, etc., and as long as everyone's on the same page, you should be fine. Good luck!

 

[JessicaBurde]

Mountain/=Molehill

Hi, Vervain. Welcome to the party. The Kool-Aid is fine today!

I've been around the block a few times, and know some other folks who came to poly late, but all of your questions fall heavily under the "YMMV" heading. For what it's worth, here are my answers:

1. If we decide to open our relationship, we would set an agreement but how do you actually make it happen - do you wait for a connection with someone or approach people you have feelings for already and find out if they would get involved?

You're over thinking this. Dating is dating whether you are poly or mono. How would you handle dating if you were single? Some people wait to feel a connection, some people approach, some go to bars or OKC and wait for other people to approach them.

If you don't feel like you know how to date, I highly recommend checking out the archives at Dr. Nerdlove (http://www.doctornerdlove.com/). Amazing guy with some high-powered advice.

You also don't need to both do the same thing. If your partner is comfortable hitting a bar, and you prefer to approach someone you already know, that's fine.

2. Would experienced people suggest that only one of us try being with someone else first and see how we both react, or would it be better for both of us to try have an experience with someone else.

One word: Murphy
The more you try to plan how things should go, the more room that bastard has to fuck things up. Which ever one of you finds a date first, go for it. If you want to agree that when one of you finds a date, the other will wait a month or two to start dating, that isn't necessarily a bad idea. On the other hand, it's a lot easier to honestly send your long-term partner off to have fun on their first date with someone else, when you have your own date next week to look forward to.

3. Even if we decide to go for it, I'm still not sure at this point that I could deal easily with my partner being Poly with my housemate as we live together. Have people found this makes a difference or not.
I'm coming to a place where I can imagine being OK with them being intimate and 'dating' but think I would find it harder to start with, them being intimate in our home...?

From what I have seen with others, jumping directly into dating the hot guy/girl that led to opening the relationship in the first place can be hard to navigate. Not entirely sure why that is, but it doesn't seem to end well. Some people can make it work.

Definitely starting out dating your housemate adds levels of complications. Early on you are really going to need "couple space" (no matter how frowned upon the idea is) to deal with and get through the initial feelings you both have when you open up. Having that space while one of your OSOs is living with you would be a challenge. Can be done, has been done, but definitely a challenge.

4. We've discussed staring slowly, e.g., both being happy with our partner connecting with other people, but only going so far as to kiss, before checking in with our partner to see how we both feel about that, before we take it further. However, in some ways this feels like it would stifle the freedom we're trying to introduce.

Lot of different opinions on this. Yes, doing is that way will stifle the freedom. This is isn't politics. Ben Franklin's famous quote about trading liberty for security doesn't apply. If going slow and not being able to impulsively tear the clothes off your date works for you, go for it. If going slowly feels like it would stifle your new relationships, then maybe you need to just dive into the deep end.

The real key here is that it needs to work for both of you. If you agree to go slow for your partner, but don't want to go slow, it will lead to resentment and problems, and the reverse applies. Basically, if you decide to go slow, it needs to be because you each, as individuals, want to go slow. Having rules imposed on your new relationships by your old relationships is one of the faster ways to make a mess of both relationships.

5. It seems like a whole load of pressure to put on the first person to get involved with either me or my partner, as they would be the first person to test the waters for our new relationship, especially if they already know us as a long-term couple...

Um, dude, it's a date. When you were single, did you go on a date worried that you were putting the rest of your life on the line and it's this horrid pressure to put your happiness on another person?

You and your partner have decided to try something new. Think of it like taking up a hobby. If you decide to take up fishing, and ask a friend to go with you on your first fishing trip, are you putting a ton of pressure on them by asking them to be the first person helping you test the waters on whether or not you like fishing?

Yes, people who've known you both a long time may be a bit awkward. Just like someone who knows you as a huge sports fan might look at you oddly when you ask them to teach you D&D. And?

You (or your partner) meet someone interesting. You go out a date. Maybe there is chemistry; maybe there isn't. Maybe you and your partner are comfortable with it; maybe you aren't. Worst thing that happens? You don't go out on a second date. Just like hundreds of single people, every day, go on a date and decide not to see that person again because [reasons].

(Though this would be another reason to skip dating the roommate until you are both more confident in what you want.)

Our society makes a big fucking deal out of relationships, and that can make opening your relationship a much bigger deal than it has to be. Take it one thing at a time. You aren't selling your soul or signing a lifelong contract. You're just trying something new. Enjoy the ride.

 

[bookbug]

1. If we decide to open our relationship, we would set an agreement but how do you actually make it happen - do you wait for a connection with someone or approach people you have feelings for already and find out if they would get involved?

Definitely, have your expectations laid out first. Make sure you both truly agree and understand. Some really dumb things can cause a lot of issues just because ideas were interpreted differently by each partner.

As to the second part of your question, I always fell I to polyamorous situations. The situations seemed to find me. So I can't answer that question.

2. Would experienced people suggest that only one of us try being with someone else first and see how we both react, or would it be better for both of us to try have an experience with someone else.

Logic would say to proceed with caution, with one going first. But in reading these boards, there seems to be a lot of angst caused by a lack of symmetry in a relationship - one going first.

3. Even if we decide to go for it, I'm still not sure at this point that I could deal easily with my partner being Poly with my housemate as we live together. Have people found this makes a difference or not.
I'm coming to a place where I can imagine being OK with them being intimate and 'dating' but think I would find it harder to start with, them being intimate in our home...?

How would you feel about your SO dating someone you don't know? Some people have more trouble with the unknown. Is your angst over him dating your housemate due to it being right in your face, providing no place for you to escape to should you need to regroup?

4. We've discussed staring slowly, both being happy with our partner connecting with other people, but only going so far as to kiss, before checking in with our partner to see how we both feel about that, before we take it further. ... this feels like it would stifle the freedom we're trying to introduce.

A lot of people do find such rules stifling to the sense of freedom you are trying to create. What's worse, it sets people up to fail. Stop at a kiss when the moment is ripe for further exploration? Usually, people don't stop, because it is unreasonable to do so, except for adherence to the rule, then they find they have broken the agreement, hurt or pissed off their partner, etc. If at all possible, I would suggest trusting your partner to love you regardless of the other relationship. The only rules I would make would have to do with safer-sex agreements.

 

[PolyinPractice]

Lots to process. Feel free to PM.

But one thing you spoke of was, "them being intimate in our home..." Isn't it her home, too? Aren't you and she both free to bring whoever you like back there?

 

[JessicaBurde]

You spoke of "them being intimate in our home..." Isn't it her home, too? Aren't you and she both free to bring whoever you like back there?

Yes, and the OP is free to be uncomfortable with it.

About nine years ago, after my daughter was born, my mother and some of her siblings (who live in Israel) came to visit for a week. At the time, my polycule shared our home with two friends.

When I told my friend that my family was coming to visit, she got really upset that I didn't think to ask her if it was okay to have a bunch of people staying with us for a week. She said it was her home too, and she should have been consulted.

If the situations had been reversed, if she had family coming to visit, she would have asked my permission before making arrangements. And if she had, I would have looked at her cross-eyed, asked why she thought she needed my permission, and did her family have any food allergies?

It's kind of like owning a car together-- my parents wouldn't allow anyone else to drive the car without asking each other first. My friend's parents took the view that they both owned the car and they both had the right to let someone else drive if they wanted/needed.

It's just not a thing that everyone has the same opinion of, and whether permission is needed or not is between the people living together. And whether or not permission is needed, the OP definitely doesn't need anyone's permission for how they feel about it.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi Vervain

Your questions are understandable. It's good to ask questions.

1. If we decide to open our relationship, we would set an agreement but how do you actually make it happen - do you wait for a connection with someone or approach people you have feelings for already and find out if they would get involved?

I think it depends on what your needs are right now. Since you've been together for so very long and haven't had much experience of dating, you might find that your biggest need right now is simply to explore others and experience what it's like to be dating. In this case, you could join OKCupid or become more involved in other groups or events that would place you in a situation where you might have lots of people to potentially date.

If you're not bothered about experiencing the whole dating thing and simply want to open your relationship up, but are in no rush, you could absolutely wait for a connection to come along.

As for people you already have feelings for - I think this depends who they are. Friends, housemates, friend's exes, colleagues, etc. can all be volatile waters that some poly people choose not to swim in.

2. Would experienced people suggest that only one of us try being with someone else first and see how we both react, or would it be better for both of us to try have an experience with someone else.

I think that no matter what you decide on this, it's likely that life will have its own way of determining it for you. I'd say there are pros and cons to both, so it would be ok either way.

In either situation, it would no doubt help you to allow each other to make mistakes! Check in regularly - feedback on how you are doing. Some couples have a weekly chat where they talk about the poly thing and how it's going, and some couples just talk as and when. How you do it will be down to what suits you both best!

3. Even if we decide to go for it, I'm still not sure at this point that I could deal easily with my partner being Poly with my housemate as we live together. Have people found this makes a difference or not.
I'm coming to a place where I can imagine being OK with them being intimate and 'dating' but think I would find it harder to start with, them being intimate in our home.

I personally don't like poly stuff in my home. I live with my GF and her husband, but our dating activities with others are outside of the house. For me, it's too much to deal with. I need my home to be an area of respite. For this reason, I can understand your feelings on this.

Furthermore, I do think that dating the housemate would probably be tricky and potentially a bad idea. I know from experience that while I've gone after people on the 'don't go there' list before, thinking that they are the only love I'll ever have and that they are just oh so amazing, these things usually end at some point, and someone else will always come along. In my opinion, it's better to leave colleagues/friend/family/etc. alone. If there is an extremely unique connection that has serious long term potential and both people want to act on it, then I'd still suggest waiting until the situation changes - in your case, that would be moving out so that she is no longer your housemate.

4. We've discussed staring slowly, both being happy with our partner connecting with other people, but only going so far as to kiss, before checking in with our partner to see how we both feel about that, before we take it further. However, in some ways, this feels like it would stifle the freedom we're trying to introduce.

My GF and I used to have a similar approach, where we would communicate at every step and ask how the other felt before we slept with someone. In reality, this didn't work very well. It can lead to too much control, or one person can feel desperate to move forward, or it might be too much sharing (especially without the consent of the other person), etc.

My current approach with GF is that if we're dating a new person, we assume that sex will happen at some point. We're free to ask and answer questions if we want to, and things tend to come up in general conversation, but we basically offer each other freedom and privacy to do as we please with others. This seems to work better.

5. Lastly, it seems like a whole load of pressure to put on the first person to get involved with either me or my partner, as they would be the first person to test the waters for our new relationship, especially if they already know us as a long-term couple.

I think the best thing you can do here is be honest! There's absolutely nothing wrong with being new to something. Additionally, if you are honest, the other person will be better able to understand when you make mistakes. The best thing you can do is make sure that you listen to what the other person has to say; don't fall into couple-centric mode, and seek advice when you need it!