On the weekends I don't exist

P

paganhegri

New member
Toward the end of my marriage I fell in love with a fellow pagan. I've known of him through my huge circle of acquaintances and I finally introduced myself. Being that we share the same beliefs we have so much more in common then any relationship I've ever been in. He spent many years in this area but moved away about 10 years ago. We actually met when he was in town for a few days and have been talking on the phone since he went home. He told me shortly after he left that he was poly and had one partner for a few years. They've had many attempts at a triangle relationship but they've all ended horribly. I was scared at first but have since accepted it as I do have bisexual tendencies and the thought of being encompassed in love and support by two people is amazing.

She doesn't let him talk to me, or he doesn't want to talk to me, when she is at his house. He doesn't talk to me when his child is at the house. He only wants to talk to me when it's convenient for him. I've had many conversations with her and we are on a friendly level and I'm starting to have feelings for her. But, sometimes she says things that belittle me or gives me the creeps. One time She reprimanded him for being flirty with me in a chat room. She also seems like a bit of a "yes man". By that I mean it seems like she agrees to whatever he says so he doesn't leave her.

I have my own place now and I can imagine a life with them in the future. However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hang on to this relationship as they both keep throwing in my face the fact that SHE'S been hurt in the past. She never calls me and she very rarely addresses me at all unless it's to point out that her relationships have been horrible and he is everything that she's ever wanted...although she wants to be in the middle of a boy/girl sandwich in bed.

On the weekend I rarely hear anything from either of them, especially when they are together. Meanwhile, during the week, when I do talk to him for maybe 45 minutes every other day, he insists that we were made to be together. Says that he needs me and that he's never felt a connection with anyone like he has with me.

I want this. I do. I've taken the necessary steps to make this happen. But I have to watch them be a monogamous couple from 2000 miles away. I hear from him that yes, this is absolutely going to happen, and from her that yes, this will happen as long as I understand that my connection with him will never be as important as theirs because she knows him so much better then I do. They both tell me that they're always going to be a support system for me and I can talk to them whenever I'm down but they are never available. And at the same time they are both constantly slapping me in the face with speeches about her getting hurt and equality.

Am I nuts? I feel like if I haul my stupid ass out there to be with them, I'll only get completely crushed. Or she might kill me, I'm not sure. But there might be a chance that it would be beautiful. I can't talk to anyone I know about this. I'm not sleeping, not eating, losing so much weight...Does anyone have any insight?
 
Last edited:
So many red flags here.. Run
 
I'm with Dagferi on this one. Especially considering how you're in so much pain around this (understandably!).

My guess is that she really doesn't want to be poly. They opened up because he wanted to, and now she's left feeling insecure and resentful. And he is the one not putting you on an equal level as her.

I don't see this ending up in something beautiful. I see this ending in a horrific explosion of hurt feelings everywhere. Doesn't mean you can continue to be poly, but with HEALTHY partners.
 
I agree. Run.
Settling for secondary status when you really want equality is no good, and they are very disrespectfull to you.
 
I pretty much figured it was coming to a head. I asked him to fight for me as much as he fights to make sure I pay attention to her, and he got really pissed. When I get right down to it there's no way I'd survive much more of this before it got messy. I'm in such a sad place with my marriage ending. My spirituality helps. He is the only person I can have intelligent meaningful conversations with about things that are important to me. But, I don't want to be the least important thing on someone else's list. That's essentially why my marriage fell apart. Thanks for the input.
 
Leetah said:
You might want to read through polypet's recent experiences which are similar to yours. I believe a lot of the advice given her will be useful to you.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=75885

Leetah
Click to expand...


Thank you Leetah. I was reading this thread and thinking "Wow! I could have written this!" It sounds exactly like what I went through. When I am with him alone he is perfect for me and we get along so well, as soon as she is around it is a different story. I can relate 100%.

Honestly, from my own experience I suggest running. The pain of having so many broken promises and hoping for a beautiful experience when getting an opportunity to be together and then to realize, when it happens, that all your fears of a terrible experience was reality is too much. Trust your instincts, he is more interested in the fantasy of being poly but will allow her to control the relationship and leave you in the dust. She is not going anywhere anytime soon and she is only allowing him his fantasy. As soon as you are with them she will make you feel small and worthless. She will kick you out of their bed and treat you with disdain.

I am sorry to be so brutal, and I suppose I speak from a place of emotion. However, your experience parallels mine so closely I feel that I can save someone the pain I feel then at least my experience has served some good. I hope I am wrong, but please be careful. I am here if you want to talk to someone who has been there.
 
No worries. I appreciate a brutally honest person more then someone who sugar coats shit. I hope we didn't fall in love with the same person... :/
 
Isn't the fact that all their previous attempts at being in a triad have failed spectacularly a big enough hint for you? It would be foolish and insane to think this situation can work. Run fast and don't look back! They sound quite immature and ridiculously disrespectful toward you.

Are you aware that you don't have to be involved with a couple to be poly? Even if you are bisexual? I suggest you end it with them and do some reading.
 
It breaks my heart, but yes, I think what you all are saying is what I've been feeling for a while. I feel like no matter how hard I try she's always going to be "me and him" and he's going to be giving me shit because I'll never be doing enough for her. Thanks.
 
You need time to grieve the end of your marriage. When my ex-husband and I first separated, I just wanted to be comforted and to know I was wanted by someone -- and I made very inappropriate choices in the men I dated. I was needy and glommed onto guys that were so-o-oooo wrong for me. So, I know what you're going through. First of all, it will take time, but things will get better, and you will feel better. There is light at the end of the tunnel, don't worry.

The kind of arrangement these two were offering you would only become one big hot mess of a trainwreck, which is exactly what you do not need right now. You are in the midst of recovering from the trauma of your divorce, while moving forward into a new life and dealing with waves of sadness when you least expect it. It can be very disorienting and confusing.

It's okay to date when you are still brokenhearted and healing, but choose people who aren't in such complicated situations. Maybe you don't need to get into a poly thing right now, but just let relationships be loose and easy. Look for someone who has a lighthearted approach to relationships, who is easygoing and isn't going to bring you more drama. If you just need some sex, find a fuck buddy or FWB, so you don't have to invest so much in making a relationship work. Maybe just focus on making friends and doing things you enjoy. You need fun and sweetness in your life, not the bullshit they were handing you!

Two books that I found helpful when dealing with the grief over my marriage:

The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart: An Emotional and Spiritual Handbook
by Daphne Rose Kingma

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life
by Abigail Trafford
 
Last edited:
paganhegri said:
It breaks my heart, but yes, I think what you all are saying is what I've been feeling for a while. I feel like no matter how hard I try she's always going to be "me and him" and he's going to be giving me shit because I'll never be doing enough for her. Thanks.
Click to expand...

There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings and acknowledging it breaks your heart. I am glad you see that you will always be treated like the outsider in that relationship and you deserve better. it is not fair to always be given shit for not doing enough for her, you are not living to please her, that is not your responsibility. As you go through this difficult time, do not be afraid to lean on the folks here at polyamory.com. I found everyone here to be very supportive and a safe place to express your emotions when they build up to something overwhelming. Nobody here will ever make you feel like you should just get over it. Good luck.
 
Yeah, he wants you for whatever reason, and she wants you to fulfill her fantasy of a 'boy girl sandwich,' and they're both willing to let you fulfill their fantasies as long as you don't get uppity and forget your place. They're both more or less telling you they want you as a toy and entertainment. Believe them.

BTW...this is in a sense why I broke up with XBF. I finally understood that no matter how sincere his emotions, and no matter how sincere his wife's proclamations of being a great poly person were, no matter how much they claimed they didn't do hierarchy--at the root of it, to her I was a toy to entertain the dog while she went out with other men. Keep him happy 'in the marriage' and providing for her so she herself didn't have to actually get a job OR spend any time with him.

And to him, no matter how sincere his emotions, they were at the heart of it the same emotions I have for a favorite item, something I really, really love having and (forgive the choice of word, but perhaps it's appropriate) using--but I'd toss it in a heartbeat for the sake of my kids. When it came right down to it, his marriage was what ultimately mattered, not me.

This, in my book, is not a real relationship, no matter how intense his emotions. I wish they'd both been as upfront--first with themselves--as these people are being with you.
 
paganhegri said:
It breaks my heart, but yes, I think what you all are saying is what I've been feeling for a while. I feel like no matter how hard I try she's always going to be "me and him" and he's going to be giving me shit because I'll never be doing enough for her. Thanks.
Click to expand...

This, too. I was forever hearing about 'poor wife' and how hurt she was that I wasn't into the big poly family thing. When she took several active steps that I found very hurtful, very personally directed, I was at best ignored, it became clear we weren't going to discuss anything that hurt me, I believe he lied to me to cover for her what she was doing (it didn't look too non-hierarchical poly, and neither did him agreeing to her new conditions), and at worst, when I pressed the issue and wanted the great poly honesty and communication I was promised, I found myself instead being yelled at and accused of all sorts of character flaws--while still never acknowledging the facts I was presenting.

He wanted me to honor and admire her for 'allowing' me privacy (ie, not reading my e-mails to him), but it never occurred to either of them that she never had to ask me for such basic respect.
 
Thanks, all. I wish I could hug all of you. Funny how I got into this mess thinking I'd never be alone or this sad ever again and I actually achieved quite the opposite.
 
paganhegri said:
Thanks, all. I wish I could hug all of you. Funny how I got into this mess thinking I'd never be alone or this sad ever again and I actually achieved quite the opposite.
Click to expand...
When the sadness comes, just let yourself feel it. There is nothing like a good cry. Eventually, it will pass. Feelings need to be felt in order to "complete themselves." Otherwise, they keep coming up. It's those things and people we try to distract ourselves with that actually keep the difficult feelings around, because they get in the way of completing the waves of feelings so they can ebb and flow naturally.
 
Last edited:
A few people have also suggested to avoid contact for 40 days. Although if your guy is anything like mine, which it sounds like he is, he will contact you every once in a while just to keep you on the line. Makes the no contact part hard.
 
Hi paganhegri,

Sorry to hear you have been hurt so badly. I agree with the consensus on this thread, that you are doing the right thing to break up with this guy. Even though he is a fellow pagan, and you feel you have so much in common with him. It seems to me that he has a dark side! and don't even get me started on his other partner.

Hang in there and lean on this forum for support. We are here to help in any way we can.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top