One visible penis policy

I

Iferlyf

New member
So my boyfriend and I are new to polyamory. He's hetero while I'm a bisexual woman. I'm allowed to be with both women and men (and they don't have to date/have sex with him), so I wouldn't call it a one penis policy, but if I'm with a man he doesn't want to see it, or traces of it -kissing, traces of us having sex, and other more than friendly displays of affection- it makes him disgusted and angry, while it's perfectly fine if that's with women, so I would call that a one visible penis policy :p,
I can still be seen with them without problem though.

I can tell him about what I do with the guys, as long as I don't go into details (wich is fine), and he sometimes ask about it, so it's not a ''don't ask don't tell'' kind of deal either. And though he doesn't forbids it, he would rather that I don't have sex with men in our appartment (he's scared he would catch us by accident)

He knows that the anger and disgust he feels is irrational and he said that he might or might not end up being okay about it over time. I hope so, because I would like to be able to do some PDA (to a socially acceptable level) in his presence.

I think we just need to go gradually outside of his comfort zone, so I'm ok with taking my time with this.

Do you guys have any tips on how to help him get more comfortable with this?

Do you think things could work fine even if he doesn't ever get comfortable with that?
 
Last edited:
Is your long term plan more kitchen table poly or parallel? If the latter, this doesn't sound that workable. If you're never around both partners at the same time, not as big a deal.
 
Well, one of the guys I'm seeing is one of his closest friends, so I guess kitchen table, but he doesn't want to meet the others, so it's a bit of parallel too...

Though he explained to me that he doesn't want to meet them simply because he gets anxious about meeting new people. He also felt that way about meeting my family (though after meeting them he really like them :) ), so that makes sense.

Actually he told me lately that he was fine with meeting them, but that makes him really nervous.


P.S. I'm not in a relationship with any of the other guys, though I think I have feelings for the friend

P.P.S. I honestly would prefer kitchen table poly, though if I had to chose between para poly and monogamy, I would chose para poly
 
Last edited:
Hi Iferlyf,

It's possible that even though you would prefer to do PDA's in your boyfriend's presence, maybe you could get used to going without that. You could still do PDA's when you were not in his presence. But, if that continues to be a growing sore spot for you, then you will need your boyfriend to extend his comfort level. Which he might do anyway, it sounds hopeful. For now I would just go with things as they are, while maybe talking to him about it from time to time. You can't really know how things will turn out, not right now anyway. If you'll keep us posted on your evolving situation, we can give more/updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Here's an example of literal "kitchen-table poly" (which some people seem to be a bit vague on):

A couple of years after our partner moved along (one of those sad/happy growth moments), my partner Annie insisted on moving her boyfriend in. I kinda rolled my eyes & shrugged... but, heck, he seemed like a decent-enough guy, & it was only until he found another place.

Things weren't perfectly comfortable, but one night I was working on a story project (my PC was in the kitchen) & he had a piece of leatherwork he was doing on order, & we wound up sitting at the table until like 4 a.m., sipping beer & being surprised how much we had in common. Eventually Annie got out of bed, gestured at our pyramid of cans, & told us to get some sleep. :D Him & me got along pretty well after that.
 
I think it's possible to start out like that, but you might have to do some adjustments depending on how hard it is for you and your lovers to refrain from physical affection around your bf.
Experience: If we haven't seen each other for a while, it's very hard for me to refrain from physical affection with Idealist, or actually to put my attention anywhere else then on him ;), which can get anoying for other people and painful for me if I have to. So I tend to plan alone-dates if possible, and only afterwards if we're happy and satisfied and not longing it's ok to go out see people or even Meta.
So this might be the kind of trade-off that you have with this rule (not wanting to hang out together as three people as often as you would otherwise). But really, you have to get to know yourselves in that situation.
 
Hi

Sounds like your guy is moving along and working on his stuff! Just let him get there at his own pace, he knows that and you do too, no rush.

Good luck
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top