Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

But it sounds weird to say that I'm disappointed that I can't find someone who's already involved with a bunch of people????
Actually I've seen a few guys like that on OKC, one of whom told me about his multiple relationships in message, others stating that in their profile.

I guess part of the reason may be what you speculated in your OP: People already with multiple partners are less likely to actively look via online dating. After all, everyone's time and energy is limited...For me personally, even though one of my two relationships is super-long-distance, I don't feel the need to look for more (also, looking on purpose rarely works for me, but that's another story). I'm still open to more, but only if an emotional connection happened to fall into my lap (which was how I entered my non-primary LDR).
 
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I hate to break this down to a gender-based difference, but to me it seems that a man who didn't make his existing poly relationship apparent right there in his profile would be seen by many women as a shady character.
Shady? I'm a woman and I wouldn't feel that way. I think that saying one is poly, or some version of ethically non-monogamous, in their profile and how they answer questions is enough - they don't need to mention or link to their partners' profiles for me to take them at their word. That can come up and be discussed in conversations.
 
The other part of my question is a little harder to articulate. Lately I am leaning toward thinking that non-hierarchical poly appeals most strongly to me. (Although I can also see myself being perfectly happy in a healthy secondary-type relationship). And I guess I'm not seeing a lot of evidence for non-hierarchical poly on these OKC profiles.

Don't get me wrong, most of the men seem great and seem to be in healthy relationships with awesome women (whose profiles are often linked to theirs). And they aren't necessarily seeking hierarchical poly. But they do already have a wife / life partner / serious long-term girlfriend--only ONE serious partner.

Where are the folks with MORE THAN ONE serious partner? Or even those with multiple less-serious partners?

My husband and I both have another serious partner. He's been dating his girlfriend for over 4 years and I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. Neither one of us mention that in our profile. I think mine is a case of I'm not really looking for another partner, so haven't taken the time to update my profile. I really should deactivate it, but I don't get much activity, so it doesn't seem worth the effort to worry about it. I'm not sure why my husband doesn't mention his girlfriend. I think it's probably a worry that he'd scare off potential dates. Plus she's not on Okcupid, so he can't link to her.

My guess is most people are like us, either not mentioning it because they hadn't thought of it or not mentioning it because they are worried it will further scare people off.
 
My husband and I both have another serious partner. He's been dating his girlfriend for over 4 years and I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. Neither one of us mention that in our profile. I think mine is a case of I'm not really looking for another partner, so haven't taken the time to update my profile. I really should deactivate it, but I don't get much activity, so it doesn't seem worth the effort to worry about it. I'm not sure why my husband doesn't mention his girlfriend. I think it's probably a worry that he'd scare off potential dates. Plus she's not on Okcupid, so he can't link to her.

My guess is most people are like us, either not mentioning it because they hadn't thought of it or not mentioning it because they are worried it will further scare people off.

Do you mention that you're poly and/or non monogamous?
 
Do you mention that you're poly and/or non monogamous?

I think Hannahfluke is saying that she & her husband openly state that they are involved with each other (and are poly), but do not mention their other relationships.
 
I think Hannahfluke is saying that she & her husband openly state that they are involved with each other (and are poly), but do not mention their other relationships.

I hope so. It wasn't clear to me whether it's the SOs they don't mention, or being poly. I guess I don't see why having a girlfriend would scare someone off more than having a wife.
 
Luckily I am in an area with a reasonable number of poly folks. My method is to search for the terms "poly" and "ethical non-monogamy" . . .
<pout> I live in New York city, with 8 million other people, and hardly any guys come up when I search for those keywords. It's so frustrating!
 
Do you mention that you're poly and/or non monogamous?

Sorry that was a little unclear. Though the original poster had asked about why people who mention their spouses in okcupid profiles didn't mention other partners. Since that was the question, I figured it was kind of assumed so didn't mention it. The first paragraph of both our profiles talk about what poly means to us and mention each other's okcupid user names.
 
you can find plenty of poly women at sugar daddy dating sites. They are extremely abundant but you would have to be somewhat wealthy. There are also alot of pornstars on there so that can bring alot of fun.
 
OKCupid - What else?

I set up an OKCupid profile yesterday. I've never tried meeting someone online before, so it seems really sketchy to me and it makes me feel fairly anxious. That said, I'm willing to give it a go. I've had a ton of messages and while that is somewhat flattering, they've already got me discouraged.

SO many are from guys who don't match up with the open relationship idea but yet who are contacting me. When I message back to say I'm not interested, I get back garbage about how they weren't looking for a long-term thing (though that's what I said I wanted) and they'd be willing to pay for a hotel. They're really blunt, obnoxious and demeaning. Hey, I might be poly but that doesn't mean I'm promiscuous, much less wanting to bang self-entitled jerkfaces.

My question is - how can I tweak my profile to get a better caliber of responses? I did have one really good chat session with someone yesterday, but they live so far away! I'd link to my profile, but I'm not sure if that is allowed here. Any help would be appreciated.
 
This is what I put on my profile about being poly:

I am polyamorous. That, to me, means that I enjoy having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships without placing limitations on any of them, regardless of how serious or entwined any one of those relationships become. I prefer my partner(s) and their partner(s) to share a similar ethos. I've also recently discovered that I have more successful interactions with men who are also polyamorous or practice another form of consensual non monogamy. Even at a casual level.

I'm currently seeing two fantastic guys who fill my heart and vagina with joy. I see a couple of other people sporadically. Right now, I am open to all kinds of relationships but I am ultimately starting to think about settling down with someone. That, again, doesn't mean monogamy. It does mean being a bit more selective with who I date though.

I don't get heaps of messages from "chancers".

Why do you reply to people you aren't interested in interacting with? If someone incompatible messages you, ignore it!
 
Emm - I tried to send, but it kept timing out. Not sure if it got to you or not.

London - thanks for posting that, as it is what I'm looking for as far as advice! I really appreciate it!

I don't reply to the guys who just ask DTF? And hit send. Ugh. No, I am talking about the, hey, you sound great, let's chat, etc. The ones that look promising in the message, but their profile answers 'no' to the open relationship question or their page is all about god finding them a wife. I've been responding, thanks but no thanks, it doesn't look like we have compatible relationship styles. That's when I get back, well, I just wanted to fuck, and it looks like you would want me. I wonder if they think I'll reply back that I'll be over to climb on. Blech!

It just feels wrong to not respond if someone has written a smart-sounding, intelligent message. Maybe the jerkasauruses will be weeded out after a couple of days. If not, I guess I'll just start ignoring everyone that writes. :/
 
i've considered all the affair type sites out there, married and looking, and that kind of thing, ... then found another lady so i never really explored any of them fully.

but one lady i spoke with about such options from fet life had mentioned experiences she's familiar with, ... people are really screwed up, ... you'd think that offering a commited relationship would be more appealing than being someones dirty little secret, but being poly on those sites doesn't seem to get much eager attention.

now i'm not sure about the reality, but as the understanding that despite OKCupid having options for being poly-friendly, people there are still primarily desiring single available prospective partners. while the affair type sites no one needs to mention everyone is fair game and looking.
 
I've been on okc for over 4 years. 90% of messages are inappropriate for one reason or another.

My usual approach is, read the message. If it's stupid, delete it. If it's OK, look at his profile. If his profile is stupid, or he's below a 85% match, delete his message. No need to respond. Responding with a polite no often gets abuse hurled your way.

Once in a while, a good one comes along. Treasure it and respond and see if he's first date material. Sometimes I've gone 8 months with nothing good, then 3 goodies come along almost all at once!

Also, keep tweaking your profile, and answering the questions. This pops you up in people's feeds.

Good luck! I met both my dear partners through okc.
 
pretty much what Magdlyn says.

and: browse, read profiles, look at your matches, and then approach guys yourself. I've met a number of nice people through OKC (one now my FWB, a couple that became friends, another one I'm dating now with definite potential) and all of those were approached by me instead of the other way around.
My other 2 longer relationships came from another poly site and they were both approached by me as well.
I guess I like the psychological effect of 'choosing' someone and sending that first message. But, you do have to be prepared that this doesn't mean you'll get a reply!

If you are new to meeting people online (I used to meet people through hobby forums all the time, before I started dating, so the concept wasn't new to me) remember a couple of basics:

don't give out your real name too soon
if you want to take the messaging away from OKC, do it on an email account you created especially for this (this keeps your 'dating project' seperate from your friendships, work etc related email, I find this much easier to deal with)

good luck and have fun!
 
you can find plenty of poly women at sugar daddy dating sites. They are extremely abundant but you would have to be somewhat wealthy. There are also alot of pornstars on there so that can bring alot of fun.

Ex-porn stars.
 
I think the trick to OKC is to ignore people that don't have a high percentage match to you. Being a woman that likes men on that site is like getting slammed from every direction with dumbasses and that percentage score is going to help keep you safe from people you don't want to deal with.

I met both my SO when I was monogamous over eight years ago there and we met my new friend there as well about a month ago. I also have a number of friends that have had luck including two happily married monogamous couples. One of my friends was about to give up on it when she met her husband! So I really do think it's a matter of ignoring the creeps.
 
Meeting people online takes patience. I met my SO online 10 years ago. I have a lot of friends and lovers in my life and I have met most of them online- on various types of sites. These are my thoughts about it.

Take a lot of time to write your profile and tweek it as needed. Some people actually read profiles and they can find out a bit about who you are and what you are looking for.

Be realistic and have realistic expectations.

There will be a large percentage of people on the site that are not a match- let them go, don't give them a second thought and move forward.

Take the time to communicate with the people that do seem like a match.

Follow your gut and intuition.

There was a post earlier today where someone mentioned how polyamory can make life more confusing, but if your partners are chosen cearefully- life can be better and easier for everyone!
 
Bluebird said:
Not sure if this is getting through. If so, please ignore the spam!

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/[Link Removed]
I got it eventually. On a quick scan nothing leaps out at me.

Is the "Please don't message me saying you'll pay for a hotel, or that you're happy to just do me but not have a relationship..." section new since you started getting the annoying messages or was it there from the start? It's possible that some people will read that and decide to do the opposite just to piss you off.

In another paragraph you mention watching what you eat. That may attract the kind of guy who thinks that anyone on a diet automatically has low self esteem. Couple that with the kind of idiot who read The Game and took it to heart, and you have someone who expects low-self-esteem-girl to be grateful for any scrap of attention he gives her. I'm pushing to come up with reasons here; as I said, I can't see anything obviously problematic.

I'll now show up on your list of visitors, so feel free to take a look at the profile of someone who gets very few messages of the type you describe. I have successfully formed relationships with three guys I met through the site, though, so I must have done something right.
 
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