Open relationship: partner of 10 years falls in love

[Cahootsngratis]

Me and my partner have been together for ten years in an open relationship. We are deeply in love deeply bonded (we spend most of our days together as we also work together). We've both chosen non monogamy from the beginning. It's something we chose joyfully and full of conviction. So we've both had other lovers in the last ten years but neither of us have ever fallen in love. Until now. We haven't spend much time even discussing what that would look like should it happen. Which seems naive in retrospect.
So here I am struggling on a level that is shocking to me. He's in love. I feel wholy unprepared. I've been solid in our other romantic adventures but now that he's in love I'm lost at sea. Reeling from big fears that are hard to pin down.
I guess I'm looking for any advice or perspective on how to deal. Resources?
I am deeply in love. His love is strong and available. Our relationship is truly amazing. I have no interest in leaving him. And also I am so scrambled by what this is bringing up I cannot seem to see the forest for the trees.

Lost, humbled, and reaching out.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cahootsngratis,

If this is a jealousy problem you might try, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola. Alternatively, there's Jealousy and Insecurity and Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability.

If it's not jealousy, can you describe the problem you're experiencing? Are there specific fears you have? When you think about your partner being in love with someone else, what is that like? What sorts of thoughts and feelings do you have when you think about that?

How severe is this for you? Can you just weather it until it passes? With more information, we might be able to give you more/better advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[IndieSolo]

I like to think of it this way: Isn't the person you love deserving of all the love in the world that comes his way? Isn't it wonderful that he has such a big heart to share? I also like to remind myself that when I love someone I want them to know they are free and my love has no conditions. I don't want to try and squash anyone's feelings.

I am sure there are other people in his life who love him and whom he loves, such as good friends, family, etc., so try to look at what makes this different and why you're freaking out about this situation in particular.

 

[tenK]

I wonder if what you are really struggling with is a feeling that him falling in love will somehow necessitate big changes to how things are, when in fact, it might not. It sounds like things are generally excellent between the two of you and you otherwise feel secure in your relationship, but perhaps you are simply worried because of assumptions you are making about the possible ways in which this discovery might precipitate change in your partner's life - and therefore, of your life. I suggest asking him (and his partner? If you guys are close, it might be nice to include them in the discussion too) if and how he expects things to be different in future. I'm simply talking practical logistics here. Does this increase in the intensity of their feelings for each other mean that they want to spend more time together? More overnights? A plan for possible cohabitation one day? Perhaps they want nothing more than what they have, and to enjoy the good feelings they have, but you are projecting your thoughts and fears onto them. If, for you, falling in love means that good old 'relationship escalator' starts grinding away, then I can see how it might be overwhelming. You haven't discussed cohabitation. You haven't discussed the possibility of children between him and another partner. You haven't discussed what would happen if you also fell in love with one of your sweeties. So this is new, and a bit scary. But it's also not the case that he has come to you asking for things to change - all he's done is share his mushy feelings. I think the sensible thing to do now is simply tell your brain to stop creating overwhelming 'what-if' scenarios to torment you with, and ask him what he wants to do about those feelings beyond enjoy them.

Try to be calm, but do ask for reassurance from him if you need to. I have had to explain numerous times now to my partner that I can be happy for her on one level, but also a bit worried about myself at the same time. Just because I'm not bringing out the champagne it's not that I'm not wanting to be supportive. Likewise, if I'm asking for reassurance, it doesn't mean she has done anything wrong or that her happy news is responsible for pushing me into a giant downer. Sometimes adjustments just take a little time, and it's easier to deal with if neither of us are over-reacting to our initial feelings. If he's bombarding you with NRE type exuberance, then call him on it. But if he's not actually neglecting his relationship with you, then try to file that in the 'reasons not to worry so much' pile. This is new for both of you, so know that at some point he IS going to say or do 'the wrong thing' when you are at a difficult moment. That doesn't mean it's all turning into a giant disaster. Even if he does want things to change, trust that you guys can figure out how to make any transitions in a way that is win-win-win. You've been together quite a while now, and already overcome many other things. This is no different.

 

[Ravenscroft]

We haven't spend much time even discussing what that would look like should it happen. Which seems naive in retrospect.

Actually, now that you mention, it seems (to me) that very few people discuss this unless they're specifically afraid of it happening & are making specific rules to block it (which to some of us looks much more like swinging). At least the two of you have (however accidentally) left the "-amory" in polyamory.

Mostly, the previous posters are spot-on. But, Cahootsngratis, I don't have a clear sense of the timeframe involved: how many months/weeks/days/hours has it been since (1) you learned/figured your SO was in love, & (2) you found yourself beginning to panic?

I was years into polyamory when I experienced what you're going through -- it does have a way of sneaking up on you. After digging around awhile, I found that my unconscious, for no good reason, was unsure whether my lover would significantly cut into our time together to focus on The New Guy. I got reassurance from her, & waited for the jitters to pass -- my life's always been busy, so unless it's something obviously a threat, there's things that need doing.

(As it played out, I needn't have worried -- when he pressured her for more time, inching toward exclusivity, & wouldn't accept her reluctance, she dumped him.)

You've been "open" for ten years, but never really attached to anyone else, meanwhile the two of you are together pretty much 24/7/365. I once called this a bungee relationship -- you streeeeetch out to get groceries or go on a date or have sex with a not-spouse then BOING you're back in the cocoon.

The "joined at the hip" thing that'd simply NOT work for me is a Happy Place for the two of you, not feeling at all confined or stifled or restricted. Everyone else in the world (to slip into a Hollywood/Broadway metaphor) is just a bit player: interchangeable, readily forgotten, somewhat vaguely drawn even when momentarily onstage with you. The two of you are the headline stars of your production, & anyone else (friends, family) is in a block of small print inside the playbill.

...but now you've got a Special Guest Star, featured (in letters only slightly smaller) right after your names.

And your super-high-togetherness rut now works against you because you have so few of the daily distractions: commute, co-workers, a little shopping on the way home. You don't say anything about pursuing individual activities outside the house (social clubs, hobbies, sports). It does sound as though you've come to depend upon the couple front for your self-identity -- being less an individual than half of a couple.