First I'll start by saying I know its unrealistic to have an exact date or timeline for these things as every situation is unique. I won't give the whole long backstory on my situation, but to summarize I am the long-distance girlfriend to somebody who is in a barely-functioning (unrelated to my existence) monogamous relationship which they are now trying to open. She is aware of me and has agreed to try this, although she has back-tracked at times. As a result of the strain he & I's relationship is causing while he tries to fix foundational issues in theirs, he has asked to not see me because he feels their relationship isn't yet strong enough to withstand this. As somebody who has been in the position of trying to help an existing partner through the process of opening a relationship, I understand that it's often a messy, 2 steps forward 1 step back process and that her back-tracking isn't necessarily a sign that she isn't actually suited for it. He fully believes that with time, she will get there. He's also said both that he is not interested in returning back to a monogamous relationship with her and that if it becomes obvious she's not able to get to the place she needs to be to be in a polyamorous relationship, he would end the relationship with her. She has shown signs of progress (gone on a date of her own, etc) but to date she has not reached the point where he feels like he wouldn't be "doing this TO her, instead of with her" (his words). This has been going on for 5 months and as a result, I haven't seen him in that long either.
I guess my main issue is that I feel like my own needs have been going unaddressed, and while I expected and can tolerate some of this temporarily I find myself questioning whether I am delusional to believe that sometimes these situations do work out. I don't have an extensive poly network or even much poly experience myself besides opening my previous relationship and I didn't have somebody "waiting in the wings" at that time. I go back and forth between wanting to be a support for him while he struggles with a dysfunctional relationship and the added strain of making such a big change, and feeling resentful that I've had to shelf my own needs. There's also a small part of me that feels like the support and comfort he gets from our relationship (things that are missing in his other relationship) might be enabling him to suffer in his current relationship and I struggle again with the issue of not knowing whether I should be offering the support somebody who has to end a relationship needs or if I'm only helping it to limp forward for longer. I also do believe that at lease some of their incompatibilities could be fixed by allowing each other to have differing needs met by others (for example, she is bisexual) and I do believe he earnestly believes that she will get there but I also don't know that I agree and I'm just not sure how long something like this can go on. My gut is telling me to push through this with love and compassion, but my anxiety and self-doubt creeps in and makes me wonder if it would be best to abandon hope. I've tried reading different books on the subject (I've actually just sent her a book on it as well, hoping that helps move things along) and while I've read and am aware that both outcomes are possible, I guess it might be helpful to hear from actual people who have experienced it. Any personal stories, insights, good signs to look for, red flags, perspectives from people who have either been the couple trying to open their relationship or the person waiting in the wings, anything, would be appreciated.
I guess my main issue is that I feel like my own needs have been going unaddressed, and while I expected and can tolerate some of this temporarily I find myself questioning whether I am delusional to believe that sometimes these situations do work out. I don't have an extensive poly network or even much poly experience myself besides opening my previous relationship and I didn't have somebody "waiting in the wings" at that time. I go back and forth between wanting to be a support for him while he struggles with a dysfunctional relationship and the added strain of making such a big change, and feeling resentful that I've had to shelf my own needs. There's also a small part of me that feels like the support and comfort he gets from our relationship (things that are missing in his other relationship) might be enabling him to suffer in his current relationship and I struggle again with the issue of not knowing whether I should be offering the support somebody who has to end a relationship needs or if I'm only helping it to limp forward for longer. I also do believe that at lease some of their incompatibilities could be fixed by allowing each other to have differing needs met by others (for example, she is bisexual) and I do believe he earnestly believes that she will get there but I also don't know that I agree and I'm just not sure how long something like this can go on. My gut is telling me to push through this with love and compassion, but my anxiety and self-doubt creeps in and makes me wonder if it would be best to abandon hope. I've tried reading different books on the subject (I've actually just sent her a book on it as well, hoping that helps move things along) and while I've read and am aware that both outcomes are possible, I guess it might be helpful to hear from actual people who have experienced it. Any personal stories, insights, good signs to look for, red flags, perspectives from people who have either been the couple trying to open their relationship or the person waiting in the wings, anything, would be appreciated.
