Opening eyes

K

Ket

New member
Hi everybody!

I'm new here on the forum and not very familiar with them...
I found it after what happened to me over the last few weeks. It's been a heck of a ride and I'm feeling quite lost for the moment...
I thought I share my story here so maybe someone could help me.
I've been married to my wife for 11 years now. We are very well together and two great daughters. We still have great sex, wich, after 11 years, is not a given thing for everybody!
Since quite some time, some years maybe already, I've been telling my wife I felt like I was missing something in life, didn't know what....
Now, a few weeks ago I got called by a woman we know for a few years. We only saw her a few times at school when picking up the kids. Now she calls me and takes all her courage to tell me she's been in love with me since the first time she saw me ... I spoke with her and told her immediately I had to tell my wife to see how she fell about it. My wife was angry at first but after a while she accepted the idea. I've been reassuring my wife the whole time as I don't want her to feel bad about it and she shouldn't think this other woman could take me away from her.
Bit by bit we started talking and this feeling came up in me that this might be the thing I was missing : I could give another woman the same love as my wife and have this warm feeling of a big family together. This woman is not married and has a kid on her own which I would love to help her raise...
After a while we unvited her to our place for a talk. It was a lovely evening, very intense discussions, tears of fear and joy from the three of us... The kids were fooling around and I kind of already saw us having christmas together.... It really opened my eyes... that's it! Feelings for this other woman were shooting up, I was terrified.

Now, to keep it short(er), a few weeks later it is not going to work. I don't have a manual for this but my feeling is very intense and genuine. I can love these two great women! But.... I do of course understand that sex is involved but it is not my goal, I want to be enriched spiritually if you inderstand what I mean. Been able to give love.... Sex and jealousy however are the big problems for my wife. She can't cope with this. Although she likes the other women as a friend... The other woman doesn't really has a problem with these issues.
As I always told ny wife I wouldn't hurt her, we stopped the contact with this woman....her heart broken, mine too and my wife now feels she's fault, which isn't so of course!
Now I feel even more empty :-( This opened my eyes and started to look on the internet and found poly, which is exactly how I feel but not my wife...

I'm trying to forget all of this and the feeling but I can't manage :-(
I hope it is a bit clear...
Can anybody please help me with this? Should I try to put this behind me or should I try to help my wife with her jealousy? She's frustrated she feels like this but I can't blame her...
To make it clear, there hasn't been any contact between me and this woman and my wife knows all about thensituation...

Thank you for your comments
Ket
 
What I think you're saying, and please correct me if I'm wrong...

A woman you knew told you she was in love with you. You believe you have the ability to love her as well as your wife, and you would like to eventually merge this other woman and her child into your household.

Your wife accepted that the other woman has feelings for you, and considers the other woman a friend, but is unwilling to accept a sexual and romantic relationship between you and the other woman.

Because of that, you stopped all contact with the other woman. You and the other woman are both hurt by this, and your wife feels guilty for hurting both of you.

You still believe polyamory is right for you, and that this other woman is the other partner you want to have.

Assuming I've interpreted that all correctly... You don't have to put anything behind you. You are who you are, and apparently polyamory is part of who you are. It isn't any more right for you to pretend not to be polyamorous just to make your wife happy than it would be for your wife to pretend not to be jealous just to make you happy. But at this point, I think you are doing the right thing by not having contact with the other woman until you and your wife are on better footing.

Jealousy is an emotion. Emotions happen. I usually say jealousy is a mutant form of fear. Someone is afraid of losing their partner, afraid of losing stability, etc., and so they don't want their partner to have another partner.

Whether your wife can overcome her jealousy is up to her. Is she willing to try? Are you willing to understand that she can't change how she feels, and to be patient with her and reassure her that everything will be okay?

It sounds to me like the most important thing right now would be to continue talking with your wife about the situation. Not in a way that she might feel pressured, but in a way that acknowledges how each of you feels, that may lead to a compromise.

Someone else will probably be along here shortly with links to resources about dealing with jealousy in a polyamorous situation, and those might be of more help to you than what I've said.
 
You are being very gracious toward your wife. The jealousy is hers to own. Perhaps she is willing to work on that? I know it's frustrating to have this in your grasp, then have it yanked away. I, too, think you are doing the right thing by stepping back.
 
Hi!

Thanks for the replies :)

Yes, that's about the situation...
My wife did already propose to see if she could do something about the jealousy, to make me feel better. But I didn't want it.
11 years ago we got married with a promise to each other to stay with two together for the rest of our lives... And now I'm feeling I'm wanting more spiritually. She's not. It's like asking her to change religion just because I did.:-(
She just wants me to be be happy though, and I can't see her unhappy.
 
It's possible, if people are willing, to take things extremely slowly and to grow a close friendship with someone that satisfies your emotional need for a person, and provides a base for slowly extending the scope of the relationship as and when people are comfortable. If everything is open and honest and going at the speed that provides only gentle challenges to the partner who is struggling (rather than massive hurdles) people can become ok with things they never thought possible without any huge trauma. You've already done the hard bit of speaking up, your wife has said she's willing to work on it, why does it have to be all or nothing? We constantly change as people and asking your partner to change is not a bad thing to do. Pressing them beyond what they willingly agree to is often hurtful and counter productive though.
Poly principles mean that you needn't be limiting your friend in her search for other love in any way so there need be no rush at all.
 
Things are escalating....

Both women are fighting and arguing all the time. I'm stuck in the middle and very sad...
This is not going to work, I'll have to get used to it and continu my life as it was.
 
Hi Ket,

I'm very sorry about the downward turn things have taken. Would the women be willing to take a break for awhile and just not talk to each other? Right now it doesn't sound like their interactions are doing any good.

The links I have on jealousy are:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Don't know if that will help (if your wife still wants to work on her jealousy), but there it is just in case.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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