I am sorry you struggle. I could be wrong in my impressions so I don't know if any of this might help you.
I can understand this feeling because she has lost something, but I don't know the best way to support her at this time.
I think the best way to support her is to leave her alone to process her stuff. Don't get all up in it. Give her some space.
She crossed the line on some agreements. She owned it, and you guys now have this NEW agreement. That she will chill with Dude while taking the time to repair marriage from the ding.
So... she chills. It's ok for her to be feeling sad or whatever right now. Choices have consequences. It's her process, let her do her process which includes a period of sadness/remorse for making poor choices on impulse or whatever.
When my kid were little and painted on the walls? They had to scrub it all off again. It stinks. They don't like the clean up job. They are sad about it. I don't like seeing them sad, but this is a thing they
have to learn and do: To take personal responsibility for their choices. To apologize. To make amends.
If I took that lesson away from them, I would not be helping them any.
I get that you feel sad seeing your partner sad. But let it be what it is right now. Let her deal with it.
After all, she had a voice in it. She did not have to agree to these new agreements. She could have offered other ways to handle it. But now that you HAVE agreed? Get on with the repair work then.
This is a particular situation for me because it is still hurtful for me to hear about and it still comes from a place of pain, mistrust and lying for me.
If you are not the right person for "listening job" right now? You do not have to be the listening person. She can talk to people other than you to help her with her process.
You are too close to it.
At the same time, I do want to hear about what she is going through so I can better understand.
Why? 
You could talk to other people who have crossed a line and had to repair. It doesn't have to be HER in particular. You can understand from others what it was like for them. What it is like to have to make good after a ding.
Perhaps you can draw on your own experiences where you dinged somebody and then had to apologize and make good.
Why do you want it to be from HER at this time? Esp when hearing about it at this time keeps you in the hurting place? This is not a conversation that could happen way later when you are well and no longer hurting?
Does anyone have any guidance on how to support a partner in heartbreak when it comes from a painful place for you?
Sometimes one supports by saying nothing. If you are hurting and silence is the best you can offer? Offer silence. You don't have to be all rah-rah cheerleader supportive if you don't have the energy for that. Give yourself permission to focus on YOUR part of healing and let her do HER part.
Could also focus on the new behavior. You had the old agreement. She messed up. Sounds like she apologized and you have this NEW agreement for behaviors. Hopefully she lives up to it and demonstrates she can now be trusted to keep her agreements.
Could focus on seeing if she does her new behaviors or not. Rather than overfocus on whatever she's feeling in the moment.
PURPOSEFUL COMMUNICATION
I'm not sure if I should let her quietly mourn this loss or if I should push her to share it with me so that we can be more open and communicative.
Why push people? That's not kind.
Let me ask you something. What do you want to be more open and communicative ABOUT?
Having no personal boundaries or no mental filter -- just telling/sharing every thought that pops into your heads? That's "open" maybe... but it's not "purposeful communication" to me. It could become the fountain of blahblahblah. Make an already hard thing worse because then you have to wade through all the excess data.
I had a crap day at work. It's like all the kids in my 2nd period had ants in the pants. One feeding off the other til the whole room was all cranky pants. I could not teach well because it was all about behavior management. Am I going to tell husband all that blahblahblah in detail when he gets home? Nope. Cliff Notes will do. I could just say "Man, 2nd period was wacky. Hope tomorrow is better!" and not detail it like a list of what each single kid did.
I'm still being open and communicative about how my day was, but I don't have to overload him. It's more
purposeful communication -- because at the end of the day? Even if I DID list each kid in detail? He cannot hear me anyway. Usually his own days are rough and he's too fried for more than "Cliff Notes." But he gets enough cliff notes to go "I'm sorry your 2nd period was nuts! I hope tomorrow is better too!"
Do I care if his client A did this and Client B did that at his work? Nope. Do I care how HE is doing? Yes. So giving me his Cliff Notes is enough for me. He can go "Man, my clients keep complaining about their software not doing X. They did not pay for X support. I'm not gonna do it because it is not in their contract. " Do I need the details? Nope. I have enough data to commiserate and I can go "Man, that stinks. Moochy clients trying to get free work off you. I'm sorry."
What does all that communication MEAN? Both of us are saying the same thing.
"I had a hard day. Could you be willing apply sympathy, please?"
That's why I ask you... What does "open and communicative" MEAN to you? What are you trying to communicate better ABOUT? How you comminicate now... what is not working? Do you need to change HOW you talk to each other? Rather than give more data, give less data?
MEANING
I guess my fear is, if we don't keep talking about this and her feelings on it, what is the difference from when she was hiding these feelings from me?
Well... What does this really MEAN to you? Are you saying something like...
"I want her to tell me what she's feeling all the time. That way I can be safe. She won't have some new romantic feelings and go do stuff on impulse that will ding me later. Since I'll know her feelings, I will see it coming. I won't be surprised. Then I have a chance to get out of the way so I don't get dinged."
If so, I wouldn't go there. Like you have become the "Feelings Police."
I would focus on behavior done/not done. Or the behavior you want to see in future/do not want to see.
Because you can SEE if behavior happens or not on your own. You don't have to ask her.
- If the agreement is she takes out the trash on Friday? You can SEE if the trash it out or not.
- If the agreement is to chill with the dude until X date? You can see if she's chilling or not til X date.
- If the agreement is to work on the marriage and repair trust for X weeks? You can see if she's doing that work or not over the weeks.
- If the agreement is to check in first if agreements don't work or need modifying? You can see if she starts doing that with the small stuff of life.
Like if Friday she normally takes out the trash. But THIS Friday she is going to a birthday party. Could you be willing to swap chores? She will do your Wed recycle if you do her Friday trash? That's giving you a heads up and renegotiating the agreement just for this week.
If you can see the new behavior of (give me a heads up, renegotiate rather than ding me) happening in the small stuff of life, perhaps that makes you more willing to trust her at her Word that from this point forward she will also be practicing this behavior in the other areas of life.
PRACTICAL SUGGESTION
I don't know if this approach could help you.
You could
take this list and do it together.
You do it and she does one and then compare what lines up or not.
- Highlight all the green light things. (Do all that stuff as you please. Don't have to tell me)
- Yellow light stuff? (Probably ok, but check in first. Proceed with caution.)
- Red stuff? (STOP. NO. )
You can remove things that do not apply or add missing things from the list.
But figure out agreements for what the "swimming pools" are -- green, yellow, red.
There. Then it is easy to see behavior in "colors." And in X months, perhaps you do it again and some stuff loosens up.
- Old yellow things are now green.
- Old red things are now yellow.
Because trust has been rebuilt and new skills have been grown so people aren't getting dinged like before.
I could be wrong, but if you fixate on what she feels/doesn't feel, it's not really getting the job of rebuilding trust. It's just becoming the Feelings Police.
And keeping the non-trust going.
Galagirl
