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LadyChatterly

New member
Hi there! I'm Lady Chatterly but you can call me "Lady" or "LC" for short.

I'm a fan of all things D.H. Lawrence, hence my forum name. :)

Where to begin?

I've been married almost 17 years and we have several lovely children. My husband is brilliant, talented and a wonderful man in many ways, but he also can be passive aggressive and punishes me by withholding sex. After the first year and first baby our sex life went downhill and he has never been interested in reviving it. Seven years ago he suggested it might be nice if we never had sex again, which was devastating for me because I'm a warm and sensual woman who loves sex. He does not have a medical condition (I don't know how often I've been asked that) and some of the stuff I've experienced with him could be viewed as emotional abuse because it has to do with body shaming (I'm not fat but he used some of my body insecurities as a way to get out of having sex with me...to make a long story short).

Couple's Therapy was not the panacea I had hoped for, and in the course of therapy my therapist suggested that I get my need for sexual and emotional validation outside my marriage via flirting (he didn't suggest affairs...but doesn't take much of a leap). Getting a divorce is not an option right now for a myriad of reasons, not the least being financial.

During my time in therapy I also found out that a close friend of mine and her family were exploring swinging and polyamory. Being a "vanilla," her world fascinated and repelled me. I was fighting hard to "fix" my marriage and here were these people (in my mind) fucking around. I think I felt equal parts envy and repulsion. And it hasn't turned out well for this couple and they are teetering on the edge of divorce right now.

So how does it feel to be in a sexless marriage as a sensual and imaginative (and as it turns out quite beautiful if the men around me are to be believed) woman?

Like I was a piece of dry toast--stale and nearly dead. Eventually, I let go of my fear and allowed myself to flirt with men. Married men took a shine to me, but although some of these flirtations were fun, I was wary of them and kept thinking about their wives and how I would feel in their wive's shoes. My conscience wouldn't allow me to flirt with them anymore and I nipped a couple of "emotional affairs" in the bud.

After many conversations with my husband, I told him that if we didn't divorce then I wanted to open the marriage on my side so I didn't feel like I was dying on the vine. I wanted to explore my sexuality and experience the emotional intimacy lacking in our marriage. Being a very liberal minded person, he said that was fine as long as I kept my affair secret--he didn't want to know about it.

That was several years ago.

Of course, it still felt like a gross betrayal on my end when I finally had a one-night stand 10-months ago. I hate being dishonest, but didn't tell him like he requested---yet couldn't keep it in. When it came out, he laughed and said it was no big deal. He told me he was just "kidding" when it came to keeping everything secret and I could tell him or not...he didn't care.

That was the green light in my opinion. I didn't actively seek someone to be physically and emotionally intimate with (but I have quite a few single men I'm emotionally close to). Eventually, I met someone by chance and our chemistry is red hot. This man I'll call "Mellors" and he is single but has other girlfriends since he is a consultant and travels all year round for work. I'm his first married woman and I think that is exciting for him. He also doesn't want us to be *just* a fling...but emotional as well as physical intimacy (yet without expectation since he travels a lot and has two girlfriends).

What can I say? The sex with Mellors has been incredible. I didn't even know it was possible to experience what I've experienced with him. The way he touches me, holds me and talks to me fills a deep need. My husband knows (but not specifics). He says it doesn't bother him--that he isn't jealous.

I don't know how to feel about any of this--like I'm going down an uncharted road. Is this an open relationship? What am I? What is my marriage? My husband and I feel more like amicable roommates than man and wife.

So I joined your forum in hopes that maybe I can figure it all out somehow.

I know from talking to my friend that there is a whole culture associated with polyamory--all kinds of ethical codes and expectations. I don't know if I want to identify with any group, culture or label, or if I can fit into this niche.

What I've read and heard is that polyamory should be approached with utmost honesty and awareness...and only by people in ridiculously healthy marriages---which would not be mine. I hope I can learn from many of you here and also expand my understanding a bit.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Love,
Lady C
 
LadyChatterly said:
..... polyamory should be approached with utmost honesty and awareness...and only by people in ridiculously healthy marriages....
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It's too bad that there are "qualifications" floating around because honesty, awareness and healthy marriage are more guidelines than requirements for entry into some perceived niche. I hope you'll stick around, read lots of the Life Stories threads and participate in the Discussions threads. You will find the actual practice of polyamory to be varied and deep. Some of us are partnered/married, some of us are not. We all have real lives and real relationships, not perfect specimens of honesty, awareness and partnership. We're all people just like you, trying to navigate loving more than one person in whatever ways we're interpreting "open & ethical." This forum community is a great place for support and new thoughts, but there is no checklist of approved life conditions in order to be part of it.

Welcome. :)
 
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Greetings Lady C,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

As far as I am concerned you don't need to meet any special qualifications to be considered polyamorous, other than meeting the definition of poly, which as far as I understand it is as follows:

  • Polyamory = "the state of being, or the ability and/or inclination to be, in a romantically- and/or intimately-connected group of more than two adults, with the full knowledge and consent of all the adults in the group."
  • Polyamorous = "practicing, inclined toward, or having to do with, polyamory."
  • Polyamorist = "one who is practicing, or who is inclined toward, polyamory."
  • Poly = "polyamory, polyamorous, or polyamorist."
I do think that what you and your husband have could be considered an open relationship, or an open marriage. It isn't a perfect marriage, but it doesn't have to be. The important thing is that you and your husband are both consenting to the arrangement.

Keep reading and posting as there is lots to learn here, but don't worry to much about qualifying to belong. You belong, I can assure you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for officially greeting me! lol I've found some interesting threads and I appreciate your reassurance that I'm welcome here. Thank you.
 
Your husband sounds asexual.

You are now the "hinge" in a "V" relationship. Hubby and Mellors are the arms of that V.

The only basic code is ethics, but even that is open to interpretation.

Hopefully you can continue down this road with a minmal amount of drama from Hubby. I suggest taking it slow.
 
You know what, I've been wondering if he is asexual for quite awhile Vinsanity. He prefers masturbation and in the past year we've had sex only twice--yet he expresses no desire to find another sexual partner and would rather concentrate on his passion (which is his work). Hubby will be happy as long as I stay with him (so he says). Thanks for reaching out.
 
He could be asexual, gray-asexual, or he might have very low testosterone levels for some reason. Either way, your marriage doesn't really sound that unhealthy to me, if you think about the fact that you've both been honest with each other about what you need. Sure, it stings to feel rejected sexually, but it does sound like it's about him and not you. You've been considerate towards your husband in pursuing what you want with Mellors,and your husband has been agreeable.

The only thing that would bother me is his saying he doesn't care what you do. It's great that he doesn't get jealous, but I'd want to know he cared about me as a person, and about my safety, my satisfaction in life, career, friendships, interests, even if his caring wasn't about intimacy and sharing sex. Is your relationship with your husband satisfying in other ways, though the physical intimacy is lacking? Even if not, you would't be the first person married to a spouse who feels more like a close friend and roommate rather than lover -- many couples throughout history have had agreements like yours and worked it out to the satisfaction of both -- and there is nothing wrong with that.

It just takes some adjustment regarding what one expects from a marriage. It can be a great partnership even without physical closeness, but if you are someone who needs that closeness, then how wonderful it is that your husband is okay with polyamory and you've found someone with whom you click very well! Don't pay too much attention to what kinds of "rules" there are in poly - there really aren't any and you are doing fine just winging it!

Welcome!
 
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Thank you Nycindie!!

Yesterday I mentioned this conversation to my husband and some interesting things developed. It turns out he *does* care about my safety and the safety of our family--but not so worried about me making emotional bonds with others. He said he isn't opposed to sleeping together, but he probably won't initiate since he rarely thinks about sex. He said that having sex with me doesn't make him feel closer as a couple. In fact, he doesn't care much about it (?!) but what does make him feel close to me is if I'm happy and relaxed.

It was good to talk about it. I think he said he "didn't care" as a defense mechanism. But he does love me. Which made me feel good. I told him that if he wants to have sex more often then I would welcome that and I am happy to focus more of my energies on our relationship for awhile. He still is okay with the marriage being open, but I know he has some concerns (mostly that I could get involved with a crazy guy who could hurt me or our family in some way).

Your response to my post was so comforting--because I've been viewing my life and marriage as something "wrong" and not okay. But maybe out marriage isn't so bad after all. xoxoxo
 
Back in the '20s and '30s, the poet Edna St. Vincent Millay would tell interviewers that she and her husband lived together "like a pair of bachelors." They both had robust sex lives with people other than each other and lived apart for long periods, yet were totally devoted to and crazy in love with each other. There were, and are, many married people brave enough to create the kinds of partnerships that worked for them, despite not fitting in with what was expected in society.
 
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She is a fascinating person and a wonderful poet. I loved "Savage Beauty." Yes, it's hard to untangle myself from cultural expectations and mores. It's a bit different for hubs because he lived in open relationships before he met me--he isn't a believer in marriage and only married me because I wanted that. A few years ago he said that he hates these kinds of institutions--people become subservient to artificial societal structures and he cares more about me as a human being than as his "wife."
 
LadyChatterly said:
...it's hard to untangle myself from cultural expectations and mores.
Click to expand...

nycindie said:
There were, and are, many married people brave enough to create the kinds of partnerships that worked for them, despite not fitting in with what was expected in society.
Click to expand...

Thanks for this, nyc. I'm always on the lookout for more visible couples who have forged their own way: Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, being one of many. I'm meeting more and more couples who are opting for long term togetherness by allowing for lovers. Most people don't even call this polyamory, they just say, "It works for us."
 
FallenAngelina said:
Thanks for this, nyc. I'm always on the lookout for more visible couples who have forged their own way: Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, being one of many. I'm meeting more and more couples who are opting for long term togetherness by allowing for lovers. Most people don't even call this polyamory, they just say, "It works for us."
Click to expand...
Well, here's another. These folks were not famous and but were visible in their community...

When I was small, back in the '60s, I was told that the man who lived in the extra bedroom at my great-grandparents' house was a "boarder." It was only when I was in my mid-30s that a 3rd cousin informed me of Oscar's status as my great-grandmother's boyfriend. :eek: All three (my ggm, step-ggf, and Oscar) lived together in a small house, in a very small suburban town. When I was a little girl, they were in their 70s. I don't know how long he lived there with them. My ggm was quite a rebel in many ways; she had divorced and remarried in the 1920s, and we have lots of pictures of her wearing slacks and smoking cigarettes before that was fashionable. Plus poly!

There are a few threads here about famous poly tangles. Here is one: Celebrities/Famous Poly Role Models. I had added a post there about Edna St. V. Millay recently. In post #9, I also linked to two other similarly-themed threads.
 
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Hello!

Hello LC!

I really enjoyed reading your story. It seems it has been mostly favorable for you, and in a way I am a bit envious that you are able to have your needs met outside of your marriage without much of a hitch. It sounds like a lot of fun, and very fulfilling! I am eager to see how things continue with you, and I hope you will share more of your story as things progress. Welcome to the forum!

~Colleen
 
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