Opinions?

T-dubz

New member
Hi everyone

So I wanted to get some opinions and advice about my current situation. I'm in a wonderful relationship with my amazing gf/best friend/mother of my children, and I am head over heels for her in all aspects of the life we have built for ourselves. About a year ago I opened up to her and told her that I am polyamorous, she did not take this very well and tensions rose for a short time. I didn't want to push her or make her upset again so I let the new knowledge simmer for awhile. And things were great again, until about a month ago when I decided to bring it up again. We had a better conversation about it and what it means to me and my views of a poly lifestyle. Things are still good between us and she accepts that I am polyamorous. But. If we delve into the talk she feels that I have to be dissatisfied in our relationship in some way, or she worries that I would cast her aside to explore my new found relationship, or leave completely. I try to reassure her that I'm not going to leave and I don't want to do anything without her permission. Her next option did frustrate me a little. Which was I had the option to leave and be free to explore myself and she would wait for me... but I don't want to even think about leaving I opened up to her about this as something I would like to do together. She is more sexually experienced than myself and I feel like her previous bad experience that ended her previous relationship is scaring her to think that any experience with me would have the same outcome (previous experience was not poly related but in the sexual exploration realm) I just don't know how else I can assure her that I want to be with her forever as she does me with a possible 3rd if we could ever even find a 3rd. But any time we talk in depth about it I get shut out and the open discussion circles back around to said bad experience.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Things are still good between us and she accepts that I am polyamorous. But. If we delve into the talk she feels that I have to be dissatisfied in our relationship in some way, or she worries that I would cast her aside to explore my new found relationship, or leave completely. I try to reassure her that I'm not going to leave and I don't want to do anything without her permission.

I know that this is the instinct when coming from a traditional monogamous background, but I'm not convinced it is a good idea. We always WANT to give our loved ones assurance that we will never-ever-ever have a conflict that inconveniences them in any way... but is that actually true?

When we get a new project at work that demands more of our time and energy, literally everything else that demands our time and energy takes a hit. There are only so many hours in a day, and you only have so much physical and emotional energy. When something new demands a portion of your time and energy, it must get flexed in from some other use.

It is common to try to make these promises, but I suspect it is more about placating someone who is having an emotional blip and we are trying to talk them down. Unfortunately what we are doing is building the same sort of imaginary guarantee system that monogamy tries to create.

As an alternative, here is how I discuss the longevity concept with my current nesting partner. What I try to express is that what is important to me is to have healthy associations that encourage flourishing. As long as the relationships in my life aggregate clearly toward this side of the scale, I want them to continue. I also impress that it is my intention to voice concerns as they come up, and discuss them reasonably, and not let resentment build and then suddenly blindside her. What I DON'T want to do is try to predict the future, and how I might feel in a year or so when there has been a significant change in my life.

Her next option did frustrate me a little. Which was I had the option to leave and be free to explore myself and she would wait for me... but I don't want to even think about leaving I opened up to her about this as something I would like to do together.

When significant incompatibilities in a relationship arise, the reasonable thing is to look at how to adjust the association so that the impact of the incompatibilities are eliminated. So, as long as we are assuming that everyone is a robot, I think that what she has said is just good math.

The reality is that we are not robots, and when most people say something like this, what they are trying to do is get you to surrender your position and get on board with theirs. I am hopeful that this isn't what your partner was trying to do, but it's something to keep a critical eye on.

But any time we talk in depth about it I get shut out and the open discussion circles back around to said bad experience.

Baggage, am I right? I fuck up so many moments in my life just because I had a bad moment years ago. It's the worst, and something that I try to minimize if I'm going to call myself an adult.

It sounds like she has some unresolved issues, which is pretty normal, but it'll impede progress if she isn't willing to take a sober look at her baggage. For your part though, you just need to be honest with yourself and extend her the same courtesy. With any luck the two of you might find a new relationship configuration that gives you a lot of what you loved about your previous relationship, while making room for the aspects of your new relationship.
 

T-dubz

New member
I get what you're saying and understand but yeah no i dont make false promises that everything will be hunky dory for the rest of our days lol. I'm aware there would be new challenges, new emotions, fights, aspects to consider etc. but the fact is I don't want what we currently have to end and neither does she we're on the same page there. But I feel like the baggage is mostly what is influencing her thoughts about this new aspect between us.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello T-dubz,

There seems to be some hope that your partner will be okay with poly eventually, but you need to take it slow and take one little step at a time. Discuss it with her often, but not at length at any given time. Just talk a little and then give her time to think about it.

You'll probably have to go slow anyway, it will probably take quite awhile to find a third. But just to be safe, rein yourself after each little step of the journey. Pause to reflect, and discuss. Then slowly take the next little step.

It's good that you opened up to her, you are sharing your honest feelings.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I just don't know how else I can assure her that I want to be with her forever as she does me
Not to be an old lady or ascribe any magic to it, but why have you not proposed to her? I'm not saying that you should, but it's atypical to have children, be best friends, aspire to a forever life and not get married. I'm not suggesting marriage as any solution, but just wondering what the conscious choice for non-marriage is all about. Is there anything in that?
 
Top