Options for Communication with Meta in Vee

[BookwormGirl]

(Repeating to myself - I am a toaster, I am a toaster, I am a toaster)

Bowler told you what was behind it. Did he say what he was going to do to remedy this?

He did not say what he was going to do when we talked, and I didn't ask him to do anything at that time. I was processing and waiting for some insight from you lovely people!

I got three texts back-to-back from her a few hours after her first random text:
1. "In my eyes you've been ignoring me and avoid seeing me at all costs. You are protecting yourself and trying to stay in a safe bubble of having Bowler all to yourself."
2. "So Bowler and I just talked. He doesn't think we should speak to each other at all. Ever. So disregard anything I've said. It doesn't matter."
3. "Sorry about the 'in my eyes' message. I had written it and not sent it. I didn't mean to push the button and should have erased it. Enjoy your date tomorrow."

To which I responded, "Ok, thank you." and she said "You're welcome."

I wanted to explain, to justify - to educate. My first instinct was to clarify my boundaries with her, to explain that I didn't set a boundary of never talking... but honestly, whether 1) Bowler expressed my boundary in that way, 2) he set that as his own boundary, or 3) she was again baiting me for a fight by misconstruing his communication - the end result is that, for now, we don't talk. Which is working for me. So I'm ignoring the flailing bread.

She texted him during our date "I guess I don't get to tell you anything about my day." I offered to step away so they could have a phone conversation, he told her to go ahead and call, and she responded "No, you're on a date", and she wouldn't talk. SO WHY SEND THE TEXT?

If you are going to respond, don't JADE. You do not have to justify, argue, defend, or explain your behavior that you do for yourself to keep YOU healthy.

I do this ALL THE TIME! Wow. I've never heard that acronym before (in so many years of individual and marriage counseling, I could have used it!). I just read up on it, and this is something I am going to really work on in my communication.

Thanks, everyone. So much insight and knowledge here, I really appreciate the sounding board.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad "JADE" helps you.

I got three texts back-to-back from her a few hours after her first random text:
1. "In my eyes you've been ignoring me and avoid seeing me at all costs. You are protecting yourself and trying to stay in a safe bubble of having Bowler all to yourself."

2. "So Bowler and I just talked. He doesn't think we should speak to each other at all. Ever. So disregard anything I've said. It doesn't matter."

3. "Sorry about the 'in my eyes' message. I had written it and not sent it. I didn't mean to push the button and should have erased it. Enjoy your date tomorrow."

So she's whooshed up and came back down on her emotional roller coaster. I figured it would. My 2 people do that.

You could leave it like it you left it.

Or you could reply flat and boring next time with a bit more. Like.... "Thank you. I'm glad you feel better. I want to clarify -- I'm fine talking when we bump into each other in person and for calendar things over phone and email, but I don't do random texts. Not my thing. I tend to ignore those." Pick the limited tools you ARE good with, enforce that you will not use cell phone text tool.

My 2 people I cut off from my Facebook and texting me AND email. Because those tools are too immediate. They feel something all whoosh, they use all those immediate tools to share their whoosh. I hate it. Making 1 of them slow down to email forces him to chill out because he is not a big emailer. He likes bullet texts and I don't want to be bulleted by him over cell phone text or FB messages.

Made the other one slow down to snail mail. He will bullet text, bullet Facebook, bullet email... .ugh. Snail mail REALLY chills him out. He can write out his tantrum but then he's too lazy to get up to take it to the post office. So they get thrown out and I never have to deal with it. What actually ARRIVES at my house is important enough for him to get up off his butt to mail... and those are few and far between. I can deal with that volume and communication method.

Figure out what communication tools work for you with Blondie. Stick to those limited ones to REDUCE her avenues for whooshing at you. Anything coming in from other communication avenues you can ignore and she can be not surprised you ignore those.

No "insta-tantrum" play-by-plays over Facebook or cel phone texts as it is going down. I know they want company in the teapot because it feels scary in there, but they have to learn to not panic and stop splashing around. That helps calm. Not ADD more people in there to help them splash!

I won't join them. Stand firm and don't join her when she's whoosh. Be a little detached from that.

I wanted to explain, to justify - to educate. My first instinct was to clarify my boundaries with her, to explain that I didn't set a boundary of never talking... but honestly, whether 1) Bowler expressed my boundary in that way, 2) he set that as his own boundary, or 3) she was again baiting me for a fight by misconstruing his communication - the end result is that, for now, we don't talk. Which is working for me. So I'm ignoring the flailing bread.

GOOD! You detached. Toaster is unimpressed by flailing bread. Even if one falls in your toaster slot? No toast til someone actually pushes the button down. Learn to wait until someone makes actual requests of you. Don't just leap up to serve when people make random announcements.

Her confusion belongs to who? Blondie. If she wants to clear it up, whose job is it to initiate that conversation? Blondie. Let her own her stuff. You don't have to educate, justify, explain, etc when nobody has requested it.

If you felt like making a request you could. "You seem X. Can I be of assistance?" Then you WAIT for the answer. Not just serve up random education, justifications or explanations of your own that they may or may not want from you.

Sounds like she did a woosh at Bowler too.

She texted him during our date "I guess I don't get to tell you anything about my day." I offered to step away so they could have a phone conversation, he told her to go ahead and call, and she responded "No, you're on a date", and she wouldn't talk.

That guilt trip is his to deal with on his own time. Nothing to do with you. You offered to step back, so you were nice about it. Keep doing that. Let Bowler stuff be his stuff. Don't leap in to his stuff for him either.

He could take her words at face value. She said no, you are on a date. So he could be on a date and deal with it later. If that doesn't make her happy later? He could let her own it and she could learn to THINK and say what she really means and not expect Bowler to "fish it out of her" or "mind reader" or whatever.

SO WHY SEND THE TEXT?

Why can't blind guy not see? Cuz blind.
Why can't deaf guy not hear? Cuz deaf.
Why does emotional person have whooshy hooha? Cuz emotional person. Don't be surprised or wonder why she does that.

Emotional types just feel things strongly. They don't necessarily stop to THINK when in the emotional storm. That's not excuse for bad behavior, but it does help YOU remember step away from it and not get sucked into the storm. Not even to wonder too deeply about it.

Not your tempest. Not your teapot.

Galagirl

 

[Salome]

@BookwormGirl, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m spiralling over a similar situation, and this thread has really helped me feel sure of my choices in managing it. I think we have similar views of hierarchy and care for metamours in poly relationships and this has been so helpful to read.

@GalaGirl, thankyou SO MUCH for your comments here, also.

I feel validated and supported in my choices after reading this thread. You’ve confirmed some things I needed a sanity check on, and I’ve learned a lot from both of you on how I can manage myself going forward. You’ve helped me get out of a three-week spiral years after this thread was first posted, bloody legends, Thankyou for sharing!