sparklepop
New member
Hi Mcal,
You asked me to elaborate on what poly freedom means to me in practice so that you can get a better picture of what a poly relationship might look like in reality.
Obviously, it's different for everyone, but I take this approach: being poly means that I have the option to act on attraction, but I don't act as though I am single. I act in accordance with existing commitments and agreements and consider the feelings of my partner(s) before acting.
My main partner and I have been together for 4+ years. She has a husband of 13+ years. The three of us now live together. My partner and I became poly when we met, so we have learnt about it together. My partner's husband has the option to practice poly if he chooses, but he's largely monogamous. My partner has a third partner - her male submissive/boyfriend who lives an hour away. She sees him around once a week. I've had other partners in the past, but not currently.
We have a few basic agreements that we live by:
When I first became poly, one of the main things I often found myself confused about was how the little things worked. Perhaps it might help if I give you a 'day in the life' type picture?
Typical Day
So, let's say I'm talking with a new person on OKCupid or I've met someone in real life that I like. I'll tell my partner and we'll chat about it as part of normal conversation. In the early days, this was challenging. These days any emotional struggles about new people are usually very minor. Let's say this person asks me out. I'll chat with my partner before I confirm a date. If she's having any sort of problem, we talk about it and I ask what I can do to help. I try to be compassionate and supportive. I also accept that it's quite normal for my partner to experience a pang of emotion about me going on a date. I wouldn't cancel a date for this reason. We work through it.
On the day of the date, I give an approximate end-time or a time to check-in and update. I don't usually text my partner during the date itself. During any date, I am free to have sex if I want to. I do not need my partner's prior approval or 'consent'. I'm not obligated to tell her if I've had sex, though it will usually come up in conversation or she'll ask.
After a date is over, I'll call my partner. We'll spend a lovely time together on the phone, or in person when I get home. Sometimes all is well and we'll cuddle and hang out happily. Other times, she might have found my date difficult and she'll need care. We try to be respectful of each other's headspace after a date, and we never try to 'mark our territory' by insisting on sex after a date with someone else. Some people do have sex directly after a date, but we just don't like to do that.
Down the line, if I'm developing feelings for this new person, I always keep my partner up to speed. If I've told this new person that I love them, I'll always let my partner know. If my partner doesn't like the person I'm dating, they don't have to spend time together. Additionally, my partner cannot dictate who I date: that is my choice alone. All of these things work the same in reverse for my partner.
The rest we navigate each day. Sometimes things are easy and smooth. Sometimes we don't feel threatened or insecure. Other times, we feel insecure and things are difficult. Sometimes we're happy with the balance of time between multiple partners, other times we feel unhappy or neglected. All of this is worked out through constant communication, and it can be both rewarding and challenging.
Basically, what poly looks like in practice is just a learning process and a trial-and-error experience, in my opinion. What works for me may or may not work for you and the only way to know for sure will be to live it.
Please feel free to keep asking questions on anything you are curious about!
You asked me to elaborate on what poly freedom means to me in practice so that you can get a better picture of what a poly relationship might look like in reality.
Obviously, it's different for everyone, but I take this approach: being poly means that I have the option to act on attraction, but I don't act as though I am single. I act in accordance with existing commitments and agreements and consider the feelings of my partner(s) before acting.
My main partner and I have been together for 4+ years. She has a husband of 13+ years. The three of us now live together. My partner and I became poly when we met, so we have learnt about it together. My partner's husband has the option to practice poly if he chooses, but he's largely monogamous. My partner has a third partner - her male submissive/boyfriend who lives an hour away. She sees him around once a week. I've had other partners in the past, but not currently.
We have a few basic agreements that we live by:
- We don't date each other's exes, close friends, family members, etc. If there's an attraction, we discuss it at length.
- We practice safe sex, get tested regularly, and tell each other if safe sex hasn't happened for some reason.
- We only usually arrange dates with others once a week, sometimes twice. This is because we have many other commitments, a child, a business, etc. We also all signed up for a family unit (myself, my partner, her husband, our child) - we're not ok with one person bailing 5 nights a week every week.
- We don't currently do overnight stays with other partners, though we want to change this. However, my partner's husband states this as a hard limit. Some poly people do overnights, but some don't.
When I first became poly, one of the main things I often found myself confused about was how the little things worked. Perhaps it might help if I give you a 'day in the life' type picture?
Typical Day
So, let's say I'm talking with a new person on OKCupid or I've met someone in real life that I like. I'll tell my partner and we'll chat about it as part of normal conversation. In the early days, this was challenging. These days any emotional struggles about new people are usually very minor. Let's say this person asks me out. I'll chat with my partner before I confirm a date. If she's having any sort of problem, we talk about it and I ask what I can do to help. I try to be compassionate and supportive. I also accept that it's quite normal for my partner to experience a pang of emotion about me going on a date. I wouldn't cancel a date for this reason. We work through it.
On the day of the date, I give an approximate end-time or a time to check-in and update. I don't usually text my partner during the date itself. During any date, I am free to have sex if I want to. I do not need my partner's prior approval or 'consent'. I'm not obligated to tell her if I've had sex, though it will usually come up in conversation or she'll ask.
After a date is over, I'll call my partner. We'll spend a lovely time together on the phone, or in person when I get home. Sometimes all is well and we'll cuddle and hang out happily. Other times, she might have found my date difficult and she'll need care. We try to be respectful of each other's headspace after a date, and we never try to 'mark our territory' by insisting on sex after a date with someone else. Some people do have sex directly after a date, but we just don't like to do that.
Down the line, if I'm developing feelings for this new person, I always keep my partner up to speed. If I've told this new person that I love them, I'll always let my partner know. If my partner doesn't like the person I'm dating, they don't have to spend time together. Additionally, my partner cannot dictate who I date: that is my choice alone. All of these things work the same in reverse for my partner.
The rest we navigate each day. Sometimes things are easy and smooth. Sometimes we don't feel threatened or insecure. Other times, we feel insecure and things are difficult. Sometimes we're happy with the balance of time between multiple partners, other times we feel unhappy or neglected. All of this is worked out through constant communication, and it can be both rewarding and challenging.
Basically, what poly looks like in practice is just a learning process and a trial-and-error experience, in my opinion. What works for me may or may not work for you and the only way to know for sure will be to live it.
Please feel free to keep asking questions on anything you are curious about!