Paradigm shift after 11 years of poly

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm going to brain dump some stuff here. This post will introduce the topic, and I'll put more of my inner thoughts and workings in comments below.

Husband: Grammar
His new submissive: house elf

Grammar has always been just interested in play, and expressed no desire for ongoing or romantic relationships. Claimed one woman was more than enough work, thank you very much. I got used to that status quo, as humans are wont to do. Honestly, I've been taking it for granted for years.

Grammar and house elf met at a kinky camping play weekend. Instant connection and great chemistry. They begin an ongoing D/s relationship as he guides her and helps her work through some personal growth stuff.

This is a head fuck on two levels.

First, I'm having to get used to sharing my husband's attention with another woman. Totally fair, he's been doing it for years, but still it's something to get used to.

Second, this new Dominant energy he's expressing is calling up some pretty strong submissive feelings in me, which I knew were there but had mostly been dormant and had never come out with him like this before. It's totally fun and exciting and a wild ride, so we're just rolling with it. But it comes with its own challenges and curiosities, so that's new too.

So. Lots of new. Details below.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Compersion is a thing?

At first I thought it was super hot. He was telling me snippets here and there. I was still thinking of it as play with maybe a few perks. He was obviously really charged up by the whole thing, he had so much vibrancy and energy. It was so much fun to see him blossom and be so happy and engaged in life. He tends towards the workaholic lifestyle, and too easily slips into the 14-hour daily grind. I was so happy to see him having some fun and getting his jollies off!

He told me bits about their play at the party. I was surprised to find myself getting turned on. But not that surprised, as that had happened before. But we've had such a sexless marriage for the past few years that I was caught off guard by any kind of sexual excitement with him in the picture.

He shared about how he was trying to get his head around the very notion of a service sub -- someone who genuinely enjoys coming over to clean your house, do your laundry, wash your dishes, and cook you food. Like, gets hot and excited just thinking about the opportunity to scrub your stinky dirty toilet.

He told me that he was "helping" her. That's what he called it. Not that it was a relationship or that she was his submissive per se. Just that he was helping her, and they played. And he said that her friends reported she'd already grown a lot since they'd been spending time together, and that he was happy and proud of that. So things were looking good all around.

When I got back from my travels, something felt off. I couldn't exactly pinpoint it, there were just little weird flags, and things that didn't quite add up. While we were hanging out at home, he was texting her a lot. I'll talk about that elsewhere, but suffice to say he's never been big on texting, even when I requested it more.

It took some time to get to the bottom of it, but eventually I realized that their "just play + helping" arrangement was more of an "ongoing relationship" than "just play." Not necessarily a romantic relationship, but it was definitely more than "play." It was serious.

Oddly enough, once I realised that it was an ongoing relationship, I surprised myself at how fine I was with that. I guess what was bothering me more than anything was the dissonance between what he was claiming (and genuinely believing), and what was patently obvious.

You see, before I knew it was remotely serious, I really was happy for him for the fun play he was having. And having someone else come over and clean my house while I'm travelling, for free? And beg for the privilege to do so? Let's just say I could get used to that. So it wasn't that hard to be happy for him having some more company while I travel, having someone else to bounce ideas off of.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total poly superstar here. I'm totally having insecurities and fears. I'm human for frick's sake. I'm blaming it on the evolutionary advantage of being afraid to lose status, due to the effect that can have of getting you kicked out of the tribe, left to fend for yourself against sabre tooth tigers. That's some powerful genetic memory, yo!

I'm finding it really helpful to just talk things out. Especially with Grammar. And that's been pretty funny for him, because I'm basically saying out loud all the things he thought and processed when I actually started dating, years into our relationship and now years ago. But he's an internal worker, so he basically didn't share any of it with me. Like at all.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Wifey the submissive? This is new. And so weird.

One of the absolutely most fascinating and exciting aspects of this whole new thing has been the amazing shift in our marriage. On so many levels. In so many ways. So much fun!

Even though Grammar and I met at a fetish ball, kink has never been a major part of our relationship. It just never happened to develop naturally, and any time we tried to pursue it out of some kind of obligatory expectation, it just felt forced and stupid. So we didn't bother. Instead, we developed a very lovely and connected partnership based on compassion, understanding, and mutual support. Certainly much better cornerstones than fisting and spanking, but perhaps lacking somewhat in excitement?

I'm sure the fact that I was on the pill the whole time had a lot to do with all of that, as well. I've never really had a sex drive the entire time we've been together. I had an IUD put in about 10 months ago, and finally went off the pill. My sex drive returned with a vengeance. So I've been increasingly horny over the past few months, but since we had never established that dynamic in our marriage, it didn't really come up there. We were still "comfortable."

Until the house elf showed up.

It started with him telling me about their play session from the kink weekend. That turned me on. Like, a lot. I told him so, and that surprised him but I think he really liked it.

Later he told me about the D/s thing that was developing, but he presented it as just play. I think to him, it still was. He was pretty slow to realize how much the relationship was developing -- feelings have never been his forte. So this new D/s play also excited me.

Then something funny happened. One night when I was home, he was texting her and I was in the kitchen. He commanded me to get him a beer while I was up. He didn't mean to, and still denies that he did it. But he totally commanded me. It was just the tone. But the funniest thing? I didn't hesitate for a second. I had that fridge halfway open before I consciously registered what had even happened. Fridge handle in hand, door half cocked, I turned to him with raised eyebrows and this big grin. "You totally just ordered me to get you a beer" I said, with a laugh. "What? No I didn't. You were right there. What's wrong asking for a beer?" He got so defensive, it was hilarious. "No, you totally just ordered me. You were texting her, with the same tone in your head that you just used with me. It's okay, I don't mind at all. Here's your beer." I cracked the can and handed it to him.

But wow, that simple little interaction started the ball completely rolling. Since then, we've been exploring D/s play in our marriage and getting some kink and sex play back in our marriage, which has been a real treat. I mean, I was horny and if I had to, I could have gotten laid no problem. But it's so much more fun to have your sex needs met in your very own bed!!

It's such an interesting dynamic, and I really love it. I guess I've always had a servitude streak. Not full-on submissive, but I've always been the kind of wife who's genuinely happy to wash her husband's laundry and make him a good meal. Since finishing my PhD and basically being a big freeloader while I travel and "find myself" and all that new age bullshit, I've been more than happy to run his errands and wash his dishes. And my D/s roleplay online was always as a submissive. So it's not completely out of the blue for me. But it's completely out of the blue for us.

So we're just rolling with it and exploring. Not too much explicit negotiation, since we've been together more than long enough to be comfortable just sharing openly. I think it's really caught him off guard far more than me, because he wasn't privy to the details of the hours I spent roleplaying as a Gorean kajira. I've also been enjoying spanking more than I ever did, and that's something he's not used to either. That one is new for me and I still haven't really sorted it out to be honest. But mostly I'm trying not to think too much consciously about it all, and just go with the flow. Listen to my gut and react as things happen rather than fret over things imagined.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Check-ins and reality checks

One thing that's really helping me get used to the paradigm shift is check-ins.

I had a perfect opportunity for this one the other day.

So for background, when Grammar and house elf met at the kink weekend, they played for hours their first time.

When Grammar and I first played after this new shift in our own relationship, I totally could have kept going. It was "gloves play" so basically intense fingering, verging onto fisting territory. I'm not traditionally a big fisting bottom (no pun intended), but I was really into it this time. But he played me pretty hard and said he needed a break. Almost in passing, he sort of claimed it was hard on the wrists, but that wasn't the main thing.

Okay, whatever. I understand. I had a lot of fun, and he needed a break. Cool.

But a few days later, a friend of mine who was at the kinky weekend mentioned how house elf and Grammar had played for hours the day they met. That sorta lodged in the back of my head for the day, but I couldn't pin point why it bothered me.

Eventually it clicked. That first day playing, I'd wanted to keep going, but I'd been under the impression that he was worn out. So how then was he able to play for "hours" with some random chick, but he can't even go one full hour with his own wife, and leaves her wanting more? What the f?

Yep. Classic monkey brain chatter.

So, enter the check-in. Rather than stew about it for days and make it into a big huge thing, I just presented the facts and requested an explanation: "So according to Huey, you and house elf played for hours that first night at the party. But the other day, when we were playing and I wanted to keep going, you stopped after a short time, even though I said I could totally keep going. So like... what's up with that?"

And his answer was so perfect, you'd almost think he'd rehearsed it. Except he's a good man who doesn't bother with lying and certainly doesn't go to the extreme of rehearsing stories.

"You're my wife. This is all so new and weird and fucked up. I like it, but it's fucked up. It's out of no where. So it's a lot to process. I want to be careful with you. I mean, when I was playing with house elf, she was just some stranger. If she came out broken the next day, I'd feel bad like I would for anyone. But if I broke you, I could never forgive myself."

"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense."

"It's also so out of character for you. I'm not sure where it's coming from. I guess part of me is concerned that it's a reaction to this whole house elf thing. I don't want you to end up resentful or upset later, because I dragged you into something, or because you pressured yourself to do something you didn't want to do."

"Stop being so logical."

See, I could have spent days spinning that around and around. Comparing myself to her, wondering why she's so great to play with and what's wrong with me that I'm only fun for 20 minutes. When it's basically the exact opposite: he wants to make sure he gets years more of this with me, so the logical thing is to take it slowly and build it up over time. And not that I expect him to admit it, but I guess he's also a smart and experienced enough lover to give them enough for a taste, but still wanting more

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Missed the chance to grow?

Last night was interesting. I'm in another city helping my mom move. Grammar finished work late, but he and house elf had discussed the possibility of her coming over that evening for some housekeeping and a massage.

I found it helpful, before she came over, to ask if I could expect to hear from him before he went to sleep that night. He said that if it was okay with me, then probably not as he expected to be tired. I agreed that was perfectly fine, and clarified that more than anything I just wanted to know what to expect. I have a need for predictability, and that doesn't necessarily mean I have to hear from him when I want to, but rather that if I'm not going to hear from him for quite some time, I want to know that so I'm not waiting or worried.

True to his word, I didn't hear from him. But sweet thing that she is, I heard from house elf when she was leaving and again when she got home (judging by the relative timing of the two messages, and the travel time between our places). Both were super sweet and lovely.

I really adore this woman. She's such a darling. I had some fears of cowgirling in the beginning, based mostly on total lack of information. She'd posted something on fetlife, a journal entry about "Putting on my big girl poly panties." The post was about how Grammar had planned play time with her for some time during the week, and then some other girl ended up asking him for play for a specific date, so he agreed, and house elf got really jealous and upset about how cleaning the house was supposed to be her job, and please don't take it away, etc etc. But through all this, the only "threat" she seemed worried about was this other bottom. I wasn't even on the radar in all of this, so that raised some flags about whether she actually realized that this guy was married, even though his wife never seems to be around (I'm travelling a lot this summer).

He agreed that there'd been some flags, but he wasn't taking anything too seriously and wasn't too concerned.

Eventually I met her and confirmed that she's really lovely, and that dispelled any cowgirl fears. So ++ recommend everyone always meet the other partners, because it does sooo much to dispel irrational thoughts.

Okay, but the title of this post is the missed chance to grow.

That's because when she came home last night, she sent me the the sweetest texts telling me how happy she was to have met him, how grateful she is to me both for my guidance on her journey (I've been helping her with some issues too, from a more emotionally expressive and experienced place than my husband), as well as for being so supportive of the time they spend together.

So I decided to give her a real, human, vulnerable side. Until then, I'd assumed a more Dominant role just by association with my husband paired with her expressed fantasy about serving a couple. But I'm not a "Domme" and I'm certainly not a 24/7, never weak or vulnerable type of Domme. So I decided to practice my vulnerability and self-expression by sharing some of the challenges I'd had to work through with this whole situation.

I shared about how it's taken some getting used to, sharing his attention with another woman for the first time in our relationship. And I shared how the D/s thing is really new in our relationship, and how cool that is, and how interesting it is that it sort of came "from" her in the sense that she's brought out a more sustained Dominant energy in him, one that lasts outside of his play dates with randoms, and that him coming into his own more Dominant role seems to have naturally enabled me to slip into a more submissive role, which has been a lot of fun. Then I shared the story above about the insecurity surrounding the whole "hours" play thing.

Her response was so lovely to read. It went a long way to silencing my monkey brain chatter, because it was very reassuring, especially coming from the "other woman."

I love that he loves you so much and talks about you so much. It makes me feel safer with him because I know it won't go further than what it is. He's not my soulmate - I know he's not, so I don't want anything more than to learn and grow and to have fun. He's doing wonders for my self confidence and self respect as are you by trusting me and my intentions and the thoughts you share with me.

So when the other woman tells you how much your husband loves you, you know he's not playing games or dicking around. Not that I thought he was, rationally. But now "irrationally" is a lot quieter too.

And while that is a relief, there's a part of me that's slightly disappointed. I mean, not that there's nothing to worry about. I'm relieved about that. But a little bit disappointed that I miss out on the process of coming to that conclusion from myself, completely internally.

But hey, this is all so new and different and weird. No need to stretch myself just for the sake of it. I've got more than enough to process just from the existing weirdness, without looking for extra lessons!

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Keeping in touch

One of the really nice things has been that he's somehow been a poly superstar, without any practice. He texts her day and night, but if I didn't know that, I wouldn't suspect anything. He still phones me often while he's working, just to say hi, sometimes just to sit there and be on the phone quietly together.

I should mention that he works on the road, 10-days-out/4-days-home, so we've always had a pretty distant relationship geographically.

I guess one area that jealousy reared up is in regards to all their texting. Inherently it makes no difference to me how they interact. What matters to me is whether my needs are met. However I made a specific request several years ago for more texting. I like them because they're quick and easy, lets people know you're thinking about them, and then you carry on with what you're doing with minimal interruption. You also have something sweet to save and look at later. But at the time, he'd expressed that texting was too fussy and he didn't like it. He pointed out that he almost always phoned me back when I texted, unless he was busy.

I had to pull teeth to get him to agree to simply text "ok" if I texted him something important, so I would at least know he'd read it. And over the years, even that has fallen by the wayside.

But now they text. All the time. Day and night. So, that totally debunks the "texting is too hard" claim. He reiterated that he still phones me a lot... And he does. If I'm honest, more than I phone him. But still, I like texting and he's now proven that he's capable of texting day and night. It obviously doesn't put him out TOO much. So he's agreed to make a little more effort there. We'll see. Unless I keep making a big stink about it, I don't expect much change. He's a creature of habit, and he's used to phoning me.

And I have to pull that apart from the house elf situation, because whether he texts her or not actually has nothing to do with me, and I know that. If anything, he's been in touch with me more since they've been chatting than during the rest of the year. And he's been in touch with me tons throughout the summer, while I've been galavanting all over the country. He's probably been feeling really lonely and missing me, but he's not the type to say so.

And I have to remember that from his perspective, the phone calls are a greater expression of intimacy. He doesn't really phone her, and she has to ask his permission to phone him. In his mind, he texts her because he can't be bothered to phone her.

More than anything, when I get stuck in thought-loops, is to remind myself that I didn't even know they were texting so much until I got home. In so far as they had been for the rest of our relationship, my needs were being met. I didn't even notice anything was "more than play" until I saw how much they were texting. But he wasn't texting her at my expense while I was away. If anything, I was ignoring him because I was travelling so much.

He admittedly did fall into that "texting one while you're with the other" trap throughout our weekend together, but I called him on it after and he completely agreed. We've mutually agreed to some airplane-mode together-time when we're together.