Partner disagrees on "allowed" levels of romantic intensity

[LovelyFuture]

Not every one can have relationships where emotional availability is restricted. I can, but I have to know that this is the case from the start, so I actively put in boundaries that prevent us "going too far." I did suggest to the OP that could be an option for her... she wants more than that.

Yes, London, exactly. I don't want emotional availability restricted. Emotions are beautiful. I want to be free to feel as I wish, and to fall headlong into heaven, if I wish.

 

[LovelyFuture]

Fucking is fucking. Love is love. They can overlap. They don't have to. However, if you are the type where they do have to overlap, then you will have issues.

True, Ariakas.

You sound conflicted, but you shouldn't be. It doesn't sound like you can maintain what he wants. So either live monogamously, or you have to end it. Or... maybe he would make a better secondary for you. Alter the relationship structure while maintaining your polyamorous relationship with him.

Yeah. Last time, I wanted to move out and continue to see Boyfriend, and have a new relationship. However, Boyfriend was not cool with that idea. He said he'd never speak to me again.

 

[LovelyFuture]

The problem with that is "crazy" is a subjective term, and for someone who craves emotional as well as sexual intimacy, near impossible to achieve.

I know, it's... crazy subjective.

Haha. It's like buying a sports car with a governor, but one that will never actually work. Sorry, I am chuckling. That's a comical and difficult request. Emotions don't have valves.

Haha. I actually have to chuckle, myself, as well. It does seem comical, doesn't it? It's like... how can I tiptoe on such a thin emotional line?

 

[Anneintherain]

At Boyfriend's request, I started seeing FirstIntenseGuy less and less, and I surmised it just wasn't fair to FirstIntenseGuy for me to see him so little, so I cut it off for FirstIntenseGuy's and Boyfriend's sakes.

I personally operate on the system "I say what I want, you say what you want, then we negotiate if needed." Whether the outcome of any negotiation means we decide to not do something, or find a middle ground, or accept that the other person is going to do something we aren't comfortable with doesn't really matter, as long as everybody is taking charge of expressing their own needs. And we don't make decisions for each other, or decide what is best for them, as you did for FirstIntenseGuy.

I hope you are able to successfully work something out with your BF, if that is what you want. But I'd say cut him some slack. At least until you've really been clear about what you want and need, it seems kinda shitty to jump on the "you're hampering my freedom!" tactic, if you hadn't sat him down and clearly expressed what you want your life to look like. Tell him what he can expect from you, how much time you want to spend with each partner, and spend some time reassuring him about the good things you have with him that you value, and addressing the mistakes you made with FIG that you are going to watch out for this time, if you haven't already.

 

[idealist]

It sounds like you want one thing:

The freedom to enjoy emotional relationships as the opportunities arise.

And you have made decisions which have put you into the opposite scenario:

Participating in a co-dependent relationship with a partner, where you have merged your living environment and your professional life to the extent that he expects, needs, wants you to be there, primarily available to him, physically, emotionally and sexually, most of the time.

It is a situation where you have made decisions without remaining focused on the intentions you have for how you want to live your life.

The only way I can see you getting what you want is for you to gradually begin to make changes where you reduce the co-dependent structure of your primary relationship... which you are equally participating in, BTW.

 

[Emm]

I am curious, Emm - what do you think is ideal?

"Ideal" varies by person and relationship, but for me it doesn't include an itemised list of rules and regulations. General principals and boundaries are fine, but if someone isn't mature enough to manage their life without a step-by-step guide then they're not mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Boyfriend gets upset that I'm seeing NewGuy so much, and says "It's not cool to see NewGuy every day. You're setting up expectations. I want you to have fun, I want you to see other people, but you're my girl, you're not somebody else's girl.

No, you're YOUR OWN girl. He is just lucky enough that YOU choose to share YOUR time and life with him.

I am not going to be one of your two boyfriends.

That's his prerogative. If having multiple boyfriends is something you want in your life, and being one of multiple boyfriends is not something he wants in his life, then no one is forcing him to be your boyfriend.

You are my life, and I'm not ready to give a giant chunk of my life away to somebody like that.

Sounds like a dependency issue. He should be his own life.

We don't own each other, but we can share each other a little bit, like, "Here, borrow my girlfriend, but don't take her away for weeks and weeks."

How is it possible to share or not share something you do not own? If he accepts that he does not own you, then the natural consequence is that he is not in a position to dictate your life.

So in essence, he wants us to have fun and see other people, but he doesn't want it to be too intense.

Finally! What he wants for his life. That's a good place to start.

On the other hand, I like my relationships to be intense, I like being in love, and I enjoy spending time with other people.

So you and he need to sit down and acknowledge that you want different things, and then figure out if it's possible for you to both have the things you want while remaining in a happy, healthy relationship together. Clearly someone is going to have to give in a little if that's going to work, so the question becomes: how much are you each willing to compromise?

I don't want to upset him. I want to honor his feelings. But I also feel that his preferences limit me, and my real desire for a deep connection with someone. What to do?

I bet they do. I would feel the same way in your situation!

... last time, I wanted to move out and continue seeing Boyfriend and [have] a new relationship. Boyfriend was not cool with that idea. He said he'd never speak to me again.

That's a coercive technique. I personally would question any situation where someone was so quick to throw me away completely just because I want to change the parameters of the relationship.

 

[Inyourendo]

No, you're your own girl. He is just lucky enough that you choose to share your time and life with him.

That's his prerogative. If having multiple boyfriends is something you want in your life, and being one of multiple boyfriends is not something he wants in his life, then no one is forcing him to be your boyfriend.

Sounds like a dependency issue. He should be his own life.

How is it possible to share or not share something you do not own? If he accepts that he does not own you, then the natural consequence is that he is not in a position to dictate your life.

Finally! What he wants for his life. That's a good place to start.

So you and he need to sit down and acknowledge that you want different things, and then figure out if it's possible for you to both have the things you want while remaining in a happy, healthy relationship together. Clearly someone is going to have to give in a little if that's going to work, so the question becomes how much are you each willing to compromise?

I bet they do. I would feel the same way in your situation!

That's a coercive technique. I personally would question any situation where someone was so quick to throw me away completely just because I want to change the parameters of the relationship.

I agree with all this. OP, I would be extremely resentful if my partner was putting such limitations on me. This behavior needs to be nipped in the bud.

 

[idealist]

I agree with all this. I would be extremely resentful if my partner was putting such limitations on me. This behavior needs to be nipped in the bud.

That's probably why you aren't in a co-dependent relationship. It takes two people a lot of time, energy and a real (often subconscious) commitment to create a dependency like that.

 

[LovelyFuture]

Wow, everyone on this board has so much awesome advice. Thank you so much. I am so appreciative of your kindness and the time each of you take to give your input.

 

[LovelyFuture]

That's probably why you aren't in a co-dependent relationship. It takes two people a lot of time, energy and a real (often subconscious) commitment to create a dependency like that.

Hahaha. This actually makes me laugh out loud, it's so true. Yes, I am totally participating in the co-dependency. I wholly admit it. I started reading about co-dependency after you mentioned it, and woo-wee... Pretty amazing stuff to think about, very relevant.

I have really started to evaluate my own life's goals/intentions vs. what I have chosen, and am thinking about how I very often just go along with what my partners want in life. I want to be a stronger person, with more spirit and drive for my own life vision.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I don't disagree with most of the advice you have received.

I can't imagine putting up with what you want for your life (in a partner) nor can I imagine putting up with what he's saying he wants (in a partner).

I could be friends, but no way could I date a person with either expectation.

The thing is, we all have hard limits (things we can't compromise on and still be healthy and happy) and soft limits (things we can compromise on and still be healthy and happy). They aren't the same.

We have rules or boundaries (I refuse to choose a term because there are too many arguments over which is what) as a family (all however many there are now of us), as a household (all five of us), as parents (all three of us), as couples (each group of two of us) and as individuals.
We communicate, discuss and alter those to best meet the needs of whichever group indicated.

Something that is an agreement/rule/boundary/expectation for our household is that all three adults will ensure to work their "date out" times (regardless of it being romantic date, friend time, work time or any other going-out time) with each other, so that there is always an adult available to the children.

Another is that we don't, any of us, have sex with an additional party before we let each other know.

Another is that we don't start romantic overtures (defined by us as couples) with outside parties prior to letting each other know.

These are things that work for us. But they may or may not work for someone else.

I think it's brutally important to back up from considering what your partner wants until you establish for yourself which of what you want is a hard limit/soft limit for you to be healthy and happy, because throwing yourself under the bus to ensure he's happy "because you are his only family" is actually abusive to yourself and him. You each need to establish for yourself what your hard-limit needs are. Then you can address if it's feasible for you to each be healthy and happy together. If not, there isn't really an option, because choosing to be unhealthy is self abuse.

 

[idealist]

This actually makes me laugh out loud, it's so true. I am totally participating in the co-dependency. I wholly admit it. I started reading about co-dependency after you mentioned it... pretty amazing stuff to think about, very relevant.

I have really started to evaluate my own life's goals/intentions vs. what I have chosen, and am thinking about how I very often just go along with what my partners want in life. I want to be a stronger person, with more spirit and drive for my own life vision.

Wow. That's awesome. I'm glad that made sense to you! You are taking that first step in being a stronger person by being here talking about what you want.

You do have a basic vision of how you want your life to be and it seems like you are pretty clear about it.

What can you begin to do now to start moving things in the direction that your heart desires?

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . I finally told him I wanted to move out to my own place, and continue seeing Boyfriend and FirstIntenseGuy. That's when Boyfriend put his foot down and told me that if I moved out, he'd be destroyed and wouldn't ever speak to me again.

Well, that's just manipulation! His emotional well-being is not your responsibility. He's being a baby and having a tantrum. Clearly, he feels a need to be in control of your body, heart, and life. Why do you let him get away with that? He won't be "destroyed" if you leave him. I say that as someone who was devastated by my marriage ending. He will survive. If he can't function without you, that's his own damn fault, not yours. So stop playing that game and coddling him-- that is, if you truly want to have satisfying, fulfilling, adult relationships.

 

[lovelycouple]

Communication is everything!

All I can think to say about this topic is that you really need to communicate with your partner(s).

Communication and compromise.

All sides have to agree, and all sides must be sure that they are being heard.

We all have our own ideas about something that is so vilified about this (beautiful) form of relationship, so we are pioneers in this, all of us, as we are still discovering how to have a proper relationship.

Perhaps some of the dissatisfaction is rooted in someone afraid of not being heard on the relationship.

Talk with all the sides and be also ready to have your own thoughts on the matter blown to bits. We have to learn to meet halfway: all the sides.

And remember, not all are tailored to have such a form of relationship, and the only way to find this out is to communicate how you feel.

Kind regards.