Partner downplays other relationship - how to approach?

R

RSG

New member
Hi all,
This is my first post here. Hoping I can get some sage advice, please!

I have two partners. One I have been with over three years. Both of us have previous experience of being poly but were in a closed relationship until she moved away in Summer 2017. We decided then to open our relationship up, and this has been working well with good communication etc.

In the Autumn, I started dating a second partner. I told her from the very beginning that I had another partner and that I was in an open relationship, which she said she was cool with. She told me she had been in a poly relationship with her former partner, although she later admitted this wasn't quite true and that actually they had an arrangement where she could hook up with women/NB etc but not men (he was a guy), because he said it "didn't count".

Now, whenever I mention my other partner or talk about planning to do things, she downgrades our relationship as "a friendship", or talks about how we aren't "really together together" like her and I.

I am in no way less committed to my other partner. It is really starting to make me feel two things at once - annoyed and guilty. I feel like I keep having to restate that my other partner IS a partner, and not just a friend I keep around.

It sounds like it's only a small issue but it's really starting to effect me. I feel like I am somehow undermining my partner who is away whenever this is insinuated or suggested, and like it's chipping away at my sense of self. I work very hard to keep open communication that is equitable and respectful, and I don't know quite how to tackle this one.

I have tried having open conversations at times that feel good, but she often shuts it down and says she doesn't want to talk about it and that she's "fine with it". I don't want to lose this relationship but I also don't want to continue like this.

Can anyone help?

Thanks
 
It sounds like your new partner has some insecurities regarding her own importance in your life and sees your other partner as somewhat of a rival for your affections. Hence the minimising tactics.

She is obviously imagining an "out of sight, out of mind" scenario, whereby she is trying to convince both you and herself that your first partner's physical absence/distance is some kind of indicator as to the role she plays in your life, which is plainly not the case by your account.

As far as I can tell, you've done everything "right" and ethically, and haven't given mixed messages. Therefore, I think you need to tell new partner in no uncertain terms or fancy language that this is the way it is: you love both partners and intend to keep seeing them both; that distance in no way equates to how deeply you feel about your other partner; and that by choosing not to accept this truth gracefully, does no favours for new partner's estimation in your eyes as it is causing you internal discomfort and unhappiness.

Not only this, but it's not fair to your first partner. You don't intend to lie about, hide, or minimise her importance in your life, and while you may have a certain degree of sympathy for your new partner's feelings and understand she may need time to adjust, that you expect HER to do this emotional work from now on. YOU won't be dragged into either endless circular discussions about who's the "real" partner/primary, or debate the nature and terms of your other relationship with your new partner from now on.

You COULD agree to not talk about, or overshare info regarding your first relationship, however this may simply play into new partner's
denial mindset by allowing her to fool herself into thinking the other woman is no longer on the scene in any significant way. Maybe tell her how it is in plain language, then give her a certain amount of time to get her head around that... and if she can't, make it clear that her unwillingness to accept what she's known from the outset will be cause for you to rethink the terms of this newer relationship, or if you can stay in it at all.
 
Hello RSG,

I suggest you tell your new partner, "Both of my partners are equally important to me, I am just as together with my original partner as I am with you." You may also want to ask yourself, are you willing to keep on seeing this new partner if she won't stop downplaying your other relationship? She's being disrespectful. I would tell her that you need her to be respectful of your other relationship if you are going to keep seeing her. It's not like you are encouraging her to be that way, you have already tried to correct her, and she won't listen.

I hope you can explain things to her.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Possible cowgirl? Other than that I agree with the other posts. It's not you, it's her. You have decide what you are willing to put up with. Personally, I would find that disrespectful to me as well as my other partner.
 
What about being direct?

Now, whenever I mention my other partner or talk about planning to do things, she downgrades our relationship as "a friendship", or talks about how we aren't "really together together" like her and I.
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When something like that happens, you could say

"I don't like it when you downgrade my other relationship to "friend" or you go on about how we "aren't really together" because it is long distance. To me my LDR partner is a partner. I prefer you call them (their Name), (partner), or (whatever other term is acceptable to you.) Are you willing to do that?"

If yes, keep dating her.

If not, let the relationship go because you are tired of this behavior.

she often shuts it down and says she doesn't want to talk about it and that she's "fine with it".
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When people say one thing (I'm fine with it) and do another? (shut down, avoid talking, have the need to downplay the other relationship)... Could believe the actions.

The actions seem to be saying that they are not really ok with it. And since they don't want to talk about it or work on it? That's all you are gonna get here. And if it's making you feel annoyed and it isn't something you can ignore? And you don't want to continue like this?

Then maybe it's just not compatible. Because "this" unchanged is all you are going to get here. You cannot MAKE her work on her stuff if she just does not want to.

Galagirl
 
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Ravenscroft said:
Five months doesn't make "partnership," but that's IMNSHO. :rolleyes:
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I don't necessarily agree. I think it depends on the individual and their (both or all people involved) attitude to relationships in general.

Personally, I've never dated casually and have only had five relationships in my adult life; four of which were/are long term.

In each of these relationships I was well and truly invested by the five month mark, albeit, not living full-time with the people concerned until somewhere between ten months to a year had elapsed.
 
Others have already said most of what I have to say, but I thought I'd add my voice to the chorus.

If it was me, I would

a) try to figure out what is motivating this behaviour. It's probably an attempt to deal with some sort of insecurity. This is really her job, but you can help by asking her probing questions, exploring her feelings, noting patterns, etc.

b) find a way to support her (while also making it clear that she needs to work on that insecurity herself). Maybe she needs certain verbal reassurances, ie.

c) consistently call her on the behaviour. Every time you catch her doing it, make it an issue. She should give it up pretty quickly if she realizes it's driving you apart instead of bring you together.
 
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