Partner Going Away With Metamour - Prep?

[BelleRose]

Hola, everyone.

So (happily) this isn't an angsty post or anything. I'll just find myself in new territory starting tomorrow and wanted to get some advice, if possible, from those more experienced and wiser than me.

So my SO and I are pretty new (officially a thing as of a month) though our romantic history is a year or so old. We're absolutely in the blissful NRE bubble right now. His b-day is on Mon, and to celebrate he's going out of town with his girlfriend from Sun-Wed. (In an older post I said they'd been together for 8 yrs. Turns out I got confused about that, it's more like a year and a half. Not that it minimizes or changes anything - just for accuracy.)

First thing, obviously, is the four days away. I know that sounds silly, like nothing, but we have been spending A LOT of time together lately (again - NRE). We've only really gone apart for a day or two at a time. There's no kind of scheduled day system or anything like that, we've just been going with the flow and everything is great. So I'm just trying to prepare myself for how I'll feel when I start to miss him - because I will - and he's away with his gf. I want to respect the fact that he's enjoying that time with her and not millennial him to death with a million texts, etc.

Second thing is the fact that it is his birthday, and we'll do something when he gets back, but on the day I won't get to share that with him. I'm not really too emotional about that fact just because we are very new and I only asked him his plans a week ago - it doesn't offend me that he already had plans. And we've talked about it and he doesn't seem to subscribe to the idea of hierarchal poly, so I don't know that I'm being considered the secondary in this arrangement. But this does sort of feel like that position that I've read about so often but never experienced - being the secondary on a major holiday, or event, or, ahem, birthday, and learning to cope with not being the designated partner on those occasions.

I guess what I'm looking for here is to go into this with eyes open. I know it's possible that I may feel abandoned at some point, even if that isn't true (and I tend to make everything larger than life in my head). I also do want to let him know that I'm thinking of him on his birthday, just not in a way that's excessive or projects all of my crap and inadvertently makes his celebratory getaway about me.

Thoughts?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi BelleRose,

I suggest you prepare to do some fun things just for yourself during the four days, especially if you have stuff you like to do that he doesn't like to do. Watch the movies you like, eat the food that you like, treat yourself. Don't let the four days turn into a pity party. Have fun, make it about you.

On the day of his birthday, I would text him something short, something like, "Hi honey, I just want to say happy birthday and hope you are having a good time." Short and sweet. This way you don't run the risk of making his getaway be all about you. You do you, let him do him. That's the general idea anyway.

I know it feels like you are in second place, but try not to think of it that way. Actually what you might consider doing is asking him to give you a four-day thing on his birthday next year. That way you have something to look forward to. Just some thoughts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Did you have a life before you had sex with him?

If so, what was that like?

Was there something so wrong with it that you'd rather avoid individuality?

Might you enjoy filling your time with a bit more of YOU?
________________

Your "hinge" was maybe half a year into a relationship with his other girlfriend when the "romantic history" began with you. FWIW, most people are still at the "falling in love" stage, particularly if they haven't experienced many previous relationships.

Me, I sometimes might start a once-in-a-while sexual thing while still early in hearts-&-flowers with someone else -- or vice versa. But it would've been difficult (at best) to have two "full time"/"serious" (whatever you want to call it) dyads begin so close together, guaranteeing that one or both was relying on Pleasant Thoughts rather than any sound basis.

BR, your choice boils down to a few slots:

• this seems reasonable; I can deal with it
• this bugs me a little, & here's what I need to be cool with it
• I'm probably not going to be able to deal with this unless major changes are made

And you need to specify HOW you want it to work out, no wimpy "better" nonsense. As well, you need to figure out what YOU are willing to compromise.

There are 60 minutes per hour, 24 hour per day, 168 hours per week. Most of us spend 1/3 of that sleeping, & 50+ hours at work & doing ancillary job-related stuff like commuting. At most, that leaves like 62 hours.

How much of HIS time do you need to yourself?

NOT AN OPTION #1 -- "All of it."
NOT AN OPTION #2 -- "Most of it."
UNLIKELY OPTION -- "Half of it."

And, given his seemingly short attention span, it's possible he'll meet another woman within a few months, & want to add her to the collection. If that's a deal-breaker for you, then the time to mention it is NOW.

 

[BelleRose]

Hi BelleRose,

I suggest you prepare to do some fun things just for yourself during the four days, especially if you have stuff you like to do that he doesn't like to do. Watch the movies you like, eat the food that you like, treat yourself. Don't let the four days turn into a pity party. Have fun, make it about you.

On the day of his birthday, I would text him something short, something like, "Hi honey, I just want to say happy birthday and hope you are having a good time." Short and sweet. This way you don't run the risk of making his getaway be all about you. You do you, let him do him. That's the general idea anyway.

I know it feels like you are in second place, but try not to think of it that way. Actually what you might consider doing is asking him to give you a four-day thing on his birthday next year. That way you have something to look forward to. Just some thoughts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks for the advice.

 

[BelleRose]

Did you have a life before you had sex with him?

If so, what was that like?

Was there something so wrong with it that you'd rather avoid individuality?

Might you enjoy filling your time with a bit more of YOU?

I didn't mean to give the impression that I was losing my mind at the prospect of spending four days without my SO. It wasn't a question of what to do with my personal time. It was a question of how to manage feelings of abandonment - IF they occurred - as I wasn't the designated partner chosen to spend his birthday with this time around.

Your "hinge" was maybe half a year into a relationship with his other girlfriend when the "romantic history" began with you. FWIW, most people are still at the "falling in love" stage, particularly if they haven't experienced many previous relationships.

Me, I sometimes might start a once-in-a-while sexual thing while still early in hearts-&-flowers with someone else -- or vice versa. But it would've been difficult (at best) to have two "full time"/"serious" (whatever you want to call it) dyads begin so close together, guaranteeing that one or both was relying on Pleasant Thoughts rather than any sound basis.

Alright...I'm not sure how to apply this. Is this to suggest that it's unlikely my SO is serious about me because of the time that our relationship started with respect to his other one?

BR, your choice boils down to a few slots:

• this seems reasonable; I can deal with it
• this bugs me a little, & here's what I need to be cool with it
• I'm probably not going to be able to deal with this unless major changes are made

And you need to specify HOW you want it to work out, no wimpy "better" nonsense. As well, you need to figure out what YOU are willing to compromise.

How much of HIS time do you need to yourself?

NOT AN OPTION #1 -- "All of it."
NOT AN OPTION #2 -- "Most of it."
UNLIKELY OPTION -- "Half of it."

Yeah, it seems like I gave the impression that I had an issue with him going away with his gf in general. I don't.

And, given his seemingly short attention span, it's possible he'll meet another woman within a few months, & want to add her to the collection. If that's a deal-breaker for you, then the time to mention it is NOW.

I don't think this is fair. This seems to be trivializing all relationships in play and painting a negative picture of my SO unnecessarily. This was never a "poor me, he can't spend all his time with me" rant, I was really looking to deal with my feelings of not being the chosen partner to spend his birthday with this time around.

This response asking me whether I had a life before him, commenting on his short attention span, etc. made me feel worse than I did before reading it about things that were NEVER even concerns. I'm not trying to be argumentative but I think this was a bit harsh and hurtful unnecessarily and I don't want to fail to mention that.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think it's too early to determine if it's going to be a hierarchy thing or not. You might want to have a gentle discussion about it when he gets back.

It's tough. Unless everyone is one big happy family, someone is going to be left out on THE day, whatever holiday it is. If he had these plans before he met you, then not much can be done about it. Just keep that in mind.

 

[lunabunny]

So my SO and I are pretty new (officially a thing as of a month) though our romantic history is a year or so old. We're absolutely in the blissful NRE bubble right now. His b-day is on Mon, and to celebrate he's going out of town with his girlfriend from Sun-Wed. (In an older post I said they'd been together for 8 yrs. Turns out I got confused about that, it's more like a year and a half. Not that it minimizes or changes anything - just for accuracy.)

I recall your earlier post. It does strike me as somewhat odd that you managed to get it so wrong regarding the length of time your SO and his other partner have been together. (There is a huge difference between eight years and a year-and-a-half.) Also, that you seem to consider you and your bf very "new" in comparison, though in reality you've only been together six months less than he and the other woman.

First thing, obviously, is the four days away. I know that sounds silly, like nothing, but we have been spending A LOT of time together lately (again - NRE)... So I'm just trying to prepare myself for how I'll feel when I start to miss him - because I will - and he's away with his gf. I want to respect the fact that he's enjoying that time with her and not millennial him to death with a million texts, etc.

No need to belittle or minimise your true feelings about the matter. It's not "silly" to admit you will miss him and may struggle with feelings of abandonment or envy that he "chose" to spend his birthday with his other partner and did not inform you of this fact until a week ago, when you asked.

I'm not saying you're actually being abandoned or that he's deliberately putting you and your feelings behind his other partner's feelings/wishes (since this trip may well have been planned a while ago). However, if your partner does not subscribe to hierarchical poly and has two partners, I think it a matter of common courtesy that he should have run his plans by you earlier, or asked for your input on the matter before just going ahead with such a plan that effectively excludes you being able to participate in celebrating his birthday.

I guess what I'm looking for here is to go into this with eyes open. I know it's possible that I may feel abandoned at some point, even if that isn't true (and I tend to make everything larger than life in my head).

It IS possible, granted, though not probable... if you choose not to let it get to you; make other plans to do something fun just for YOU during that time; and most importantly, discuss the matter either before he goes away or after he returns, in order to take the measure of his intentions regarding future "special occasions".

(i.e. Is this trip a "one off"? Does he consider his OSO his "primary" simply because she has put "more time in"? Will he always give her first dibs on future plans when it comes to special occasions, or will there be a fair and equitable split between you - say, he spends his birthday with her and Christmas with you?)

Second thing is the fact that it is his birthday, and we'll do something when he gets back, but on the day I won't get to share that with him. I'm not really too emotional about that fact just because we are very new and I only asked him his plans a week ago - it doesn't offend me that he already had plans. And we've talked about it and he doesn't seem to subscribe to the idea of hierarchal poly, so I don't know that I'm being considered the secondary in this arrangement. But this does sort of feel like that position that I've read about so often but never experienced - being the secondary on a major holiday, or event, or, ahem, birthday, and learning to cope with not being the designated partner on those occasions.

[/QUOTE]

See, there you go with the "we are very new" again. Personally, I wouldn't consider a year-long relationship overly new, especially if he's only been with his other partner six months longer than he's been with you. But that might be splitting hairs...

The only way to get the answers to the questions you seek (detailed above) is to ASK him. Have that discussion as soon as practical, if it's something you foresee bothering you into the future.

 

[lunabunny]

It's tough. Unless everyone is one big happy family, someone is going to be left out on THE day, whatever holiday it is. If he had these plans before he met you, then not much can be done about it. Just keep that in mind.

It IS tough, but not impossible to include both/all significant others in the celebrations, depending on the proximity of those concerned.

Just as people often split their time between their own parents and the in-laws on an occasion such as Christmas or Thanksgiving, so polyamorous people with two SOs may choose to celebrate a special occasion with BOTH partners on the same day, but at different times/places.

For example, stay over one partner's place the night before, wake up with them, open gifts and have lunch... then go home, shower, change and go out to a restaurant for dinner with the other partner and spend that night with them.

 

[BelleRose]

Thank You, All

Thank you all, this actually helped a lot. So I'm learning a few things about myself from this forum...

1 - I'm not very clear. Lol. I'll work on that going forward. My partner and I are newly committed (much to do with my own commitment issues) while the relationship itself is older. I hope that helps with the confusing timeline. When I say "we" are new, I'm referring to the commitment itself.

2 - I'm not comfortable asking for what I need. Oh man, am I seeing that. @lunabunny I can see that I de-prioritize a lot of my initial thoughts and feelings through a filter of whether I should be having them or whether I should be having them yet. Almost like I'm judging all my feelings and then trying to find the least offensive way to present them to my partner such that by the time they come out the other side they're a watered down or sugar coated version of the thing. I'm probably causing a lot of my own anxiety because of the way I'm communicating.

In any case, I ended up being fine. We ended up having the primary/secondary talk and it turns out that he is more of a relationship anarchist (or an anarchist in general, it seems) so doesn't consider one of his romantic relationships primary and the other secondary. I also suspect for my part that most of my anxiety surrounding his trip had to do with my needing that clarification.

I have since talked to him about my need for clarity which I think is going to help a lot moving forward. @lunabunny I really appreciate what you said about it being odd that I got the relationship timeline SO wrong in this case. I absolutely agree. This was a result of me conflating information from two separate conversations. He was telling me about a painting in his home and mentioned that it was from his "girlfriend of eight years" - when he said this I'd thought he meant his CURRENT girlfriend. The timeline didn't come up until a later conversation which is when he explained.

Nevertheless, I've talked to him about his tendency to sort of drip feed me information. He's been openly poly for a long time and seems very comfortable. I, on the other hand, am very new to being openly poly. I need ACTUAL sit down conversations so that I fully know and understand what is going on and what to expect, not significant information being randomly peppered into otherwise casual conversations.

He's understanding of this and I think there'll be more clarity going forward. Again, I think a huge obstacle to that clarity is the fact that I instinctively reject every thought and feeling I think he might take issue with before bringing it up. I think I'm starting to get to a more comfortable place, though, where I feel confident that even if we disagree on something it doesn't meant that we won't be okay. We can work through conflict.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like things are going better. That's good to hear.

 

[Tinwen]

I think a huge obstacle to that clarity is the fact that I instinctively reject every thought and feeling I think he might take issue with before bringing it up.

I know what you mean. Is that something you learned in your family of origin? Yes, you will have to unlearn that habit, and I hope your partner can support you in that.

 

[BelleRose]

I know what you mean. Is that something you learned in your family of origin? Yes, you will have to unlearn that habit, and I hope your partner can support you in that.

Yes, I absolutely learned that from my family. From both my parents, in fact, each with a different dynamic as they divorced when I was young. My mother was negligent with an explosive temper so I avoided her and tread on eggshells. My father was warm and vivacious until crossed, and all it took to cross him was disagreeing with him a little bit.

So...recovering people pleaser. I've been aware of it for some time but I feel like the importance of communication in a poly relationship really shines a flood light on the issue.