Partner separating from wife of 20 years

[widgeon]

For context, we are all in our 40s.

My partner (Roger) and I have been seeing each other for about seven months now. When we met, I was mostly just looking for a sex partner, but we quickly determined that we were a very suitable romantic pair, as well.

At the time, I was single, and he had a partner (Ann) who he’d been with for almost 20 years, for most of which they’ve been married. They’d been non-monogamous for about the past six years. He had another partner (Tess) who he’d been seeing for about two years. Tess broke up with Roger about a month into our relationship because she decided to pursue monogamy with a different partner.

At the start, I had a lot of questions about relationship structure and hierarchy and such. Roger was quite emphatic that he and Ann did their best to be non-hierarchical, insofar as possible, given that they cohabitate and share finances. It seemed like he and Tess had had a pretty successful run of things, and that their marriage was likely genuinely open to Roger having a rather deep, serious longer-term connection with someone else.

I had some previous experience with non-monogamy, though mostly not in the context of a more serious romantic connection, and never with someone in a long-standing marriage. I felt a bit wary, but decided that this was a relationship that I wanted to continue to pursue.

When Roger and I met, Ann had been traveling for a couple of months. When she returned, and once I’d sorted out that I did want to pursue a relationship with Roger, he put Ann and me in touch to meet up. We scheduled something, then she canceled. She offered to reschedule, then didn’t respond. Eventually, she shared that she was feeling some distress about Roger's new relationship. She offered to reschedule, but I let her off the hook. She eventually reached out again to set up time, which was supposed to be this weekend. Then she canceled again.

Rather unexpectedly, about a month ago, Roger reported that it seemed likely that he and Ann were going to separate, in some form or another. For the time being, they are not intending to legally separate or divorce. There are some significant financial considerations at play, as she’s currently unemployed and he’s been supporting her financially for the past few years. She does some consulting work, but has generally been pursuing various academically-oriented dreams for a while now, and doesn't have a steady/stable income of her own. It’s a bit unclear to me at the moment whether they think they will divorce eventually.

Things have continued to resolve over the past month. Right now, they are not cohabitating. They do not intend to share domestic space for the foreseeable future, are not having a physically intimate relationship, and have removed their wedding bands. But also, they are still in daily contact and sometimes meet up to talk (apparently mostly companionably).

My understanding of what happened is that Ann was open to non-monogamy, but not truly open to him having another very serious romantic partner. She’d had some trouble adjusting to his previous partner, Tess. But while that relationship was long-standing, I don’t think Ann ever thought it “had legs” as a serious romantic partnership. Honestly, I’m still a bit confused by this part.

Anyway, over the past month, Ann has gotten clear that she does not want to be romantically involved with Roger if he’s romantically involved with me. He would prefer to have both of us in his life as romantic partners, but he’d chosen to continue to pursue a relationship with me and let the relationship with Ann go. That’s still sort of mind-boggling to even write. It’s not even that he’s committed to non-monogamy, per se, but that he really wants to continue our relationship in particular. He’s chosen me over his wife of 20 years, and he seems quite confident in his decision.

I don't think I'm the only reason they are separating. There are bound to be some challenges and discontents after 20 years. I seem to be the trigger, but it seems like they would not be separating if it weren't for my relationship with Roger.

Part of me is pleased that he’s chosen me, insofar as I would very much like to continue our relationship. And part of me feels good that I mean so much to him.

But other parts of me feel like… maybe he’s making a mistake (NRE?). Or maybe he’s actually just using me to escape a marriage he didn’t like very much (and once he’s escaped, he’ll realize I’m not all that great after all).

I’m very worried that the amount of emotional turmoil that he’s going to be going through over the next 6-18 months will be really challenging for our relationship. I’m also somewhat worried that he’ll change his mind. That they’ll have some “falling back in love” story, and I’ll be left holding the bag (i.e., single and heartbroken and feeling like a fucking fool).

I feel like if a friend told me this story, I would say, “That’s too much. Don’t trust this person. Get out of there.” I don’t have a ton of non-monogamy experience. And in a monogamous context, I would never engage in someone else’s extramarital affair and then take them on as a partner when they left their wife. But this does feel different.

I’m curious to hear from others about whether this story ever ends well. Is this just… a thing that happens in non-monogamy? I would like advice on the best strategies to use to navigate these next few months. He and I have been seeing a couple’s therapist for the past few weeks. I’ve encouraged him to find an individual therapist as well, and he’s making inquiries. I have an ongoing relationship with a therapist with non-monogamy experience.

Are there other support structures we could have in place to help us navigate this?

Is it just all too crazy and we shouldn’t even try?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello widgeon,

My vote would be to keep seeing Roger, but maybe not as often. Like, give him some space while this divorce emerges. Give him a listening ear if he needs to talk, but don't prod him for information. Does that make sense? The next six to 18 months will be hard, but that doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't go through them.

With sympathies and regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

My understanding of what happened is that Ann was open to non-monogamy, but not truly open to him having another very serious romantic partner. She’d had some trouble adjusting to his previous partner, Tess. But while that relationship was long-standing, I don’t think Ann ever though it “had legs” as a serious romantic partnership. Honestly, I’m still a bit confused by this part.

It's very possible to have deeper connections to some, more than others. My long-term relationships have various depths of love and connection. You just connect more with some people, just like you do with friends or even family.

Some are okay with poly in concept, until real feelings get involved, which it sounds like what happened in your case. It could be NRE, or it could be he sees more in your relationship.

Over the past month, Ann has gotten clear that she does not want to be romantically involved with Roger if he’s romantically involved with me

She is free to want a monogamous emotional relationship.

He would prefer to have both of us in his life as romantic partners, but he’d chosen to continue to pursue a relationship with me and let the relationship with Ann go.

It appears he did not want to lose either of you. SHE CHOSE to leave him because he didn't want to give either of you up. I wouldn't think of it as him choosing you over his wife of 20 years. This is very monogamous thinking. He chose you both; she chose to leave; you chose to stay.

And he seems quite confident in his decision

I can't speak for him, but in my poly relationships I don't let other partners dictate my other relationships. It's part of breaking down hierarchy. He said they were non-hierarchical and it looks like he meant it. He wanted both, so for her to lay down an ultimatum is hurtful. If he broke up with you for her he might have felt resentment toward her for it. Their relationship might never be the same. However, with her choosing to leave, they can have an amicable split and your relationship with him can continue without resentment.

But it seems like they would not be separating if it weren't for my relationship with Roger.

That may be true. She wants monogamy and he doesn't. That creates an irreconcilable difference.

Part of me is pleased that he’s chosen me, insofar as I would very much like to continue our relationship. And part of me feels good that I mean so much to him.

This feeling is natural. Of course, it's monogamous thinking again, but try to think of it as he chose himself. You benefitted in that decision.

But other parts of me feel like maybe he’s making a mistake (NRE?). Or maybe he’s actually just using me to escape a marriage he didn’t like very much (and once he’s escaped, he’ll realize I’m not all that great after all).

Maybe, maybe not. He is free to pursue the life he wants, so is Ann, and so are you. Don't put that much pressure on your relationship. Each relationship has two people in it and each have to want it for it to work. They each stand on their own and end on their own. Maybe you two are that special, or maybe you won't know for sure for another year or more. But don't put yourself on a pedestal because Ann wanted monogamy and he didn't. Their end had nothing to do with you directly.

I’m very worried that the amount of emotional turmoil that he’s going to be going through over the next 6-18 months will be really challenging for our relationship.

Separation is hard. Just be as supportive as you can and try to stay out of it. It's his thing to navigate.

I’m also somewhat worried that he’ll change his mind, that they’ll have some “falling back in love” story, and I’ll be left holding the bag (i.e., single and heartbroken and feeling like a fucking fool).

Any time you enter a poly relationship this fear is valid. Just work on very honest communication and let him know your fears. Get support from him and also work on your own self worth and insecurities. Maybe get a good poly therapist to help you through this, as well. If he chose himself now, chances are he will continue to choose himself. I'd let this thought work its way out of your mind. I believe past behavior is a decent predictor of future behavior. If Ann decided she wanted to be with him again, Roger would still want to be poly with you. Remember, she ended it.

And in a monogamous context, I would never engage in someone else’s extramarital affair and then take them on as a partner when they left their wife. But this does feel different

It is very different, but the feelings you are having are very monogamy-based. That's why you have so much insecurity. Find a good therapist.

Is this just… a thing that happens in non-monogamy?

Yes. Relationships end and start, just like monogamous relationships do. There are just more intricacies involved. Many times, one partner decides poly is not for them and the other decides it is. This is a very common scenario.

 

[widgeon]

She is free to want a monogamous emotional relationship.

It appears he did not want to lose either of you. SHE CHOSE to leave him because he didn't want to give either of you up. I wouldn't think of it as him choosing you over his wife of 20 years. This is very monogamous thinking. He chose you both; she chose to leave; you chose to stay.

Thank you for this reframe. I think it's helpful to keep in mind. Sometimes it's easier to see it this way than others. But I'll try to keep leaning into it more.

I can't speak for him, but in my poly relationships I don't let other partners dictate my other relationships. It's part of breaking down hierarchy. He said they were non-hierarchical and it looks like he meant it. He wanted both, so for her to lay down an ultimatum is hurtful. If he broke up with you for her he might have felt resentment toward her for it. Their relationship might never be the same. However, with her choosing to leave, they can have an amicable split and your relationship with him can continue without resentment.

Yes, him choosing to end our relationship also would have been a hard road for them to navigate. Either way would have been difficult, but I'm still somewhat surprised he's chosen this particular difficult path.

This feeling is natural. Of course, it's monogamous thinking again, but try to think of it as he chose himself. You benefitted in that decision.

Hm. Yep.

Any time you enter a poly relationship this fear is valid. Just work on very honest communication and let him know your fears. Get support from him and also work on your own self worth and insecurities. Maybe get a good poly therapist to help you through this, as well. If he chose himself now, chances are he will continue to choose himself. I'd let this thought work its way out of your mind. I believe past behavior is a decent predictor of future behavior. If Ann decided she wanted to be with him again, Roger would still want to be poly with you. Remember, she ended it.


It is very different, but the feelings you are having are very monogamy-based. That's why you have so much insecurity. Find a good therapist.


Yes. Relationships end and start, just like monogamous relationships do. There are just more intricacies involved. Many times, one partner decides poly is not for them and the other decides it is. This is a very common scenario.

Thanks. I do have a therapist of my own as well, and she has non-monogamy experience. Though, I'm not terribly impressed with her level of CNM insights so far. But I'll keep working on trying to keep in mind that we're all doing our best and that relationships start and end for a lot of different reasons.