Partner with low self-esteem worshipping some jerk

[GalaGirl]

If it were not for her lack of PDA and that jerk's obsession I would have nothing to complain about.

Ask directly for the PDA you would like.

And ask directly for her to not be telling you anything detailed about the jerk. That stuff she could solve/deal with on her own time.

Sex health labs so you can maintain YOUR sex health is one thing, but going on and on about him another. Establish your communication boundaries so she's not giving you TMI and overloading you.

I think that if you care about someone you should do everything to help them rather than give up.

"Everything" includes the option of stepping back. Sometimes the thing that could best help them is to back off. Do not enable. Let the weight of their thing be on their own shoulders so they step up to take personal responsibility.

It isn't giving up on them. It's demonstrating you have confidence that they CAN figure out how to handle their thing.

Especially if they are too used to people "rescuing" them and doing it for them so they never have developed or improved the skills. They need time and space to practice and grow those skills because confidence is grown by doing. If people just do it for them they take the learning opportunities away from them.

I suggest you reflect if you are helping her really, or if you are taking opportunities to learn/grow away from her.

You could take the longer range view. Figure out what exactly you are helping with.

It can be hard to maintain that separation, especially if the person cries or complains at you that they feel you are pulling away or abandoning them or don't love them or something. Or if you are in the "rescue" habit. Guard against "helicoptering" or white knight syndrome.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I don't see how finding people who need help means you've got issues yourself

What you're doing with her is not mentoring, it's enmeshment. Offering a hand or being a roll model is not what you're doing. Whenever you're fixated on someone else who needs to be fixed or saved, you've got some internal work to do on yourself. You're in this situation because it speaks to you somehow and you hook into it emotionally. Your work is to figure that out for your own life, not to save this woman from herself, which you can't do anyway.

 

[BlueShoes]

One possibility that hasn't been brought up yet is that your partner may prefer her relationships to be bad. As long as her partners are a certain amount unavailable, unreliable or otherwise unsustainable, she can avoid certain kinds of introspection.

The relationships you've mentioned your parent having include the jerk (neither all that interested in her nor all that good in bed), her husband (displeased with how seldom she's home), and you (unhappily married and not out at home, which puts certain limits on what you can offer her or ask from her). Maybe that's a deliberate choice on her part.

Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, people prefer bad things to good ones. They think they don't deserve the good ones. Or they don't want to put work into them. Or they fear the pain of loss so much that they only choose things they wouldn't mind letting go of. There are lots of reasons.

If your partner is deliberately pursuing badness in her relationships it is not a thing you can fix.

In other threads, you say that you're unhappy in your marriage, and haven't told your wife you're dating. You really are not in a position to support your partner in making changes if that's true. You would also need to approach pda with caution, so consider the consequences carefully before you ask your partner for it.

 

[polygone]

One possibility that hasn't been brought up yet is that your partner may prefer her relationships to be bad. As long as her partners are a certain amount unavailable, unreliable or otherwise unsustainable, she can avoid certain kinds of introspection.

The relationships you've mentioned your parent having include the jerk (neither all that interested in her nor all that good in bed), her husband (displeased with how seldom she's home), and you (unhappily married and not out at home, which puts certain limits on what you can offer her or ask from her). Maybe that's a deliberate choice on her part.

This is a very interesting explanation. She kind of introduced me to the poly world, and the way she presented things seemed to have to do not so much with loving many people, but rather with hanging out with several people but loving none of them. Setting aside the fact that she genuinely enjoys sex, it may be that her main reason to be poly is that it prevents her from trying to improve a single relationship, and instead she just combines several mediocre ones.

I tend to think we have a strong connection, but come to think of it, I am totally unable now to tell if it is something as deep as love, or simply a combination of very strong common interests and great sexual compatibility.

In other threads, you say that you're unhappy in your marriage, and haven't told your wife you're dating. You really are not in a position to support your partner in making changes if that's true.

Very true.

More broadly, when you say she's deliberately trying to have poor relationships, you may be right, but it will be impossible to find out for sure unless I break up with my wife and get into a real relationship with my partner.

 

[BlueShoes]

There are lots of ways to find out what your partner wants, for sure. Like observing her choices and actions. Or talking to her and asking.

You aren't having a not-real relationship with your girlfriend now, but if you ended your marriage, she might not have any more time for you than she already does - her life sounds pretty complicated.

 

[polygone]

You aren't having a not-real relationship with your girlfriend now, but if you ended your marriage, she might not have any more time for you than she already does - her life sounds pretty complicated.

Could be. But as much as this relationship has opened my eyes on taking more active steps to end my marriage, I am pretty clear that if I do divorce it will not be solely in order to jump in a full time relationship with her, which, as you say, might not even be a possibility.