partners marriage trouble

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polybynature

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Hi all! So I've been poly for just over a year, and have two great partners, one being my spouse. Since my other partner and I started our relationship, his marriage has gone slowly downhill, not solely because they became poly, but for a number of reasons over their 20-plus-year relationship, along with her finding a new partner she became monogamous with.

It's been months. They've taken separate places in the house and barely spend time together. They have no children, yet neither seems to want to get divorced. I have trouble grasping why they still do marginal activities, awkwardly attend family functions, and say they want to stay together, despite not having a real relationship. I want a little perspective, because I want to be supportive. It's been a long hard struggle providing him with all his relationship needs while she continually rejected and upset him. Honestly, I wonder why one of them doesn't just leave.

Any experience, perspective on a long-term couple like this splitting up, but not splitting up? I get sharing finances and a home, but I don't understand how he still is interested in multiple aspects of her life when she doesn't want him, and he admits she will never be fulfilling as a primary. I sincerely hope this didn't sound judgmental and would be happy to explain more.
 
If they're going to stay together, I'm surprised they're not getting marriage counseling. They should be doing something to improve the situation. Maybe this dysfunctional dynamic has become their new comfort zone? It's what they're used to, change is scary and it seems safer to leave things as they are. Could also be a Mexican standoff: Neither wants to be "the bad guy" who spearheads a divorce.

What are some of the effects all this has had on your relationship with your partner (the one who's in this bad marriage)? Does he get upset a lot?
 
My grandparents are like that. My grandfather wants to have at least some kind of emotional relationship with her, but she can't stand him. However, she needs him to help care for her, he likes the respectability of being her husband, and both would lose social standing if they split up. They are weirdly dependent on each other. To me, it's horrible, but they do it for their reasons. This has been going on for the last 20 years, and I doubt it will ever change.
 
My father is like that. He has divorced his wife, Kay. He has a girlfriend, Ariel. But he still lives at "home" with Kay. They fight all the time. Kay is an alcoholic, and has no means of financially caring for herself. ,She does not work, and is not in good health because of her disease. My father feels responsible for her, like a child. He loves her, but is not in love with her. As a result, he can't find a way to let go. But he is madly in love with Ariel. So he lives a poly life, committed to living and caring for his ex, but maintaining a loving relationship with Ariel.

It is unusual, for sure, but I have learned to NEVER judge.
 
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Wow, I'm surprised, somehow, by how common this is. But I guess this is what many people think marriage is supposed to be. It's kind of why I shy away from it.
 
For everyone in this post, it would be very comforting to me to hear how you deal with this. I know you're not supposed to feel involved, but I can't help hurting when I see two people who don't love each other, still staying around each other, and it's just so painful and awkward. Do you not think so?
 
I managed to dodge this bullet. At the end of my marriage, my husband initiated our separation, saying he couldn't do this anymore, yada yada. Except, he didn't want us to get divorced. He thought we could still live together, just in separate rooms, that it'd be better for the kids and all.

I was in no hurry. Financially, I needed to sort stuff out anyway. But it got WEIRD. I felt like a teenager in my parents' house again, going up to my room after the kids went to bed, like my house wasn't my home anymore. Yuck.

Anyway...

I remember heading up to my room one night, probably only a couple days after the divorce was final, and he asked me why I wasn't watching TV with him anymore. What had he done to "piss me off"? I was just baffled. I had to explain that this was our home, our life together, and it was broken and gone. It didn't feel right anymore. And then I looked at his confused face and realized he just wasn't getting it. I asked him as much, and he admitted it. He had no idea why it was difficult for me. I figured I couldn't explain the elephant to the blind man, and stopped trying.

Some people just don't get it. He'd have been happy to have stayed under the same roof together forever, watching the same TV shows, going to the same restaurants, just without the marriage. Not I. I left.
 
Polybynature, the truth is, this situation is just "normal" to me. I remember questioning why my grandfather didn't leave, but that was maybe 10 years ago, the last time. They are old, they need each other, and I don't have to live there. That said, I don't tolerate listening to them snipe at each other. When it gets started, I just leave. I love them both and won't listen to them tear each other down. So, I guess I set my own boundaries with them, then took a posture of neutrality. I don't know if that would be at all helpful for you, though.
 
Thanks for all the replies. I am surprised to see this is so common. I understand it a little more when kids are involved. I really relate to your story, YouAreHere. That's how she seems-- surprised he doesn't want to keep tiny bits of their life, and why that would bother him.

He cares for herm too, for reasons I don't want to get into, personal to them. I think that's part of the reason he stays: to watch over her.

In answer to an earlier question: he's doing okay, I think, in large part, because I've kind of become his "primary." (This involved a lot of convos with my own spouse.) He would get so upset for a while, but now seems to accept it. I still hate to see him stay, and struggle with it every day, but that's his choice.
 
polybynature said:
I've been poly for just over a year, and have two great partners, one being my spouse. Since my other partner and I started a relationship, his marriage has gone slowly downhill, not solely because they became poly, but for a number of reasons over their 20-year relationship, along with her finding a new partner she became monogamous with.

It's been months. They've taken separate places in the house and barely spend time together. They have no children, yet neither seems to want to get divorced. I have trouble grasping why they still do marginal activities, awkwardly attending family functions. Thry say they want to stay together despite having no real relationship. I want a little perspective because I want to be supportive.

Any perspective on a long-term couple like this splitting up, but not splitting up? I get sharing finances and a home, but I don't understand how he still is interested in multiple aspects of her life when she doesn't want him, and he admits she will never be fulfilling as a primary.
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My wife is, without a doubt, my best friend. I enjoy my time with her and the time we spend as a family. Most people who know us tell us we seem to have a great marriage. From their perspective, we do. After 10 years of being SAHM, she is going back to work. There is no way she can function on her own financially. Neither one of us want to lose our friendship or spend time away from our daughter.

In 20-plus years, my wife has only said "I love you" a hand full of times. She just doesn't feel it. Nor do l. We get along on so many other levels. I know she feels a certain obligation to have sex with me. Even though she enjoys it, and climaxes, she is just fine to go without it. I don't want her to feel that way, but it doesn't make me feel all that great, either.

It that a reason to divorce? I don't think so, at least, not yet.

Her fear with an open marriage would be me falling in love with somebody. Then a divorce would soon follow. I refuse to do the blended family thing. I don't want a stepmom or stepdad for my daughter.

I don't want my wife to be hurt in any way. I wouldn't hurt a friend that way, so I wouldn't hurt my wife either. We are life partners, best friends, for better or for worse.

I don't want my marriage, even a "friendship marriage," to end or go downhill because we opened it up. That is always a possibility.

Just one more thing to think about.
 
I hear you, Smiles. Thank you for sharing. The big differences I see, though, are that you have a daughter, and it sounds like you treat each other well.

My metamour has been treating my bf horribly for months. There is name-calling, fighting, etc. Do you and your spouse get along, do activities together? It sounds like part of my lack of grasp is that I haven't had a 20-plus year relationship (though I do have 15 years with my spouse).

Interesting you mention falling in love. My boyfriend is very much in love with me, but though that never affected his love for his wife, she pulled away. But it is possible there were repercussions of how serious we are that I don't know about.
 
kdt26417 said:
If they're going to stay together, I'm surprised they're not getting marriage counseling. They should be doing something to improve the situation. Maybe this dysfunctional dynamic has become their new comfort zone? It's what they're used to, change is scary and it seems safer to leave things as they are. Could also be a Mexican standoff: Neither wants to be "the bad guy" who spearheads a divorce.

What are some of the effects all this has had on your relationship with your partner (the one who's in this bad marriage)? Does he get upset a lot?
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They went to counseling a few times....but I think has of right now no one is looking for a romantic relationship so they do not continue to go. Our relationship has gotten stronger actually...and I like providing a lot to him...but it caused a lot of angst too as we transitioned into my being so much to him. (for him, myself, and my spouse)
 
They don't seem very strongly motivated to improve things. As long as it is not adversely affecting your relationship with him, I suppose it would be fine to let him make his own decisions about how he wants to conduct his marriage. By the way, have you asked him why he stays in that marriage? Just curious.
 
kdt26417 said:
They don't seem very strongly motivated to improve things. As long as it is not adversely affecting your relationship with him, I suppose it would be fine to let him make his own decisions about how he wants to conduct his marriage. By the way, have you asked him why he stays in that marriage? Just curious.
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It isn't adversely affecting us anymore, so I'm okay with it right now. I guess need to stop questioning it. I've asked him and he says he's a dedicated person, and he married her, that he'd miss out on some stuff... nothing that really makes me understand.
 
Sounds a bit like, "Married couples stay together because they made marital vows and that's just what they're supposed to do." Almost like, "We're doing our civic duty to keep America strong." Social conditioning is easy to underestimate, so it's possible that's indeed where he (and his wife) are coming from.

Glad it's not having a bad effect on your relationship with him.
 
PolyinPractice said:
Wow, I'm surprised, somehow, by how common this is. But I guess this is what many people think marriage is supposed to be. It's kind of why I shy away from it.
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Some people take the commitment very seriously. My grandmother stayed in a loveless marriage for 40 years until he died. My mother us still with her abuser after 30 years. I chose to leave my husband of 11 years because I didn't want that life for myself, commitment or not.
 
Inyourendo said:
PolyinPractice said:
Wow, I'm surprised, somehow, by how common this is. But I guess this is what many people think marriage is supposed to be. It's kind of why I shy away from it.
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Some people take the commitment very seriously. My grandmother stayed in a loveless marriage for 40 years until he died. My mother us still with her abuser after 30 years. I chose to leave my husband of 11 years because I didn't want that life for myself, commitment or not
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I'm glad you had the strength then, IYE. I wonder if one of them will break eventually. I couldn't stay. It just doesn't seem good for each person as an individual.
 
PolyinPractice said:
Wow, I'm surprised, somehow, by how common this is. But I guess this is what many people think marriage is supposed to be.
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My parents were like that, too. They loved each other without being in love with each other.

I'm not certain that is a good reason to shy away from marriage, though. You marry someone you want to commit to because that's one way to show commitment. If you want to show it another way, and the other person is okay with that, then don't marry, but don't shy away from it because people don't know how to uncommit.

Are you afraid you are like that? Once committed you can't walk away?
 
polybynature said:
I hear you Smiles. The big differences are that you have a daughter and you treat each other well. She has been treating him horribly for months, name calling, fighting, etc. Do you and your spouse get along, do activities together? It sounds like part of my lack of grasp is that I haven't had a 20-plus year relationship.

Interesting you mention falling in love. My boyfriend is very much in love with me, but that never affected his love for his wife. She pulled away, but it is possible there were repercussions of how serious we are that I don't know about.
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I am very affectionate. I feel I have so much love to give. My wife doesn't exactly pull away. She just doesn't initiate affection. I can easily see myself falling head-over-heels for a woman. I think if I had a relationship, I feel my wife would pull away, as well. I don't know what she would do.

She is willing to give me sex a few times a week. Maybe she even enjoys it. I just get the feeling her heart isn't in it, never has been.

Maybe that's enough, dunno, it's worked so far...

I think it's hard for many people to live together for the long haul. Relationships change over time.

In the end, we gotta be friends, even if that's all it is.
 
Smiles said:
I am very affectionate. I feel I have so much love to give, My wife doesn't exactly pull away, she just doesn't initiate affection. I can easily see myself falling head over heels for a woman. I think if I had a relationship, my wife would pull away.
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Obviously one of your love language is touch and hers is not. What are her love languages? Read the book on the 5 love languages. It is very helpful in this area. It was very eye-opening for my husband and me.
 
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