partners marriage trouble

[Marcus]

I'm not certain that is a good reason to shy away from marriage, though. You marry someone you want to commit to because that's one way to show commitment. If you want to show it another way, and the other person is okay with that, then don't marry, but don't shy away from it because people don't know how to uncommit.

That sounds like a fantastic reason to avoid marriage!

I'm curious about this statement, or maybe I'm curious about the definition of "marriage" you are referring to. Generally speaking (at least in the US), marriage refers to a legally-binding contract between two people regarding their lifelong commitment to each other, "for better or worse". I am certainly in favor of a more rational approach to relationships which exclude this unrealistic longevity clause, but is that really the common state of marriage?

These stories of people dragging out marriages well past their shelf-life are not unique and are a direct result of the explicit longevity agreement involved in the legal commitment ceremony and the ever-present social stigma of breaking one of these agreements. A marriage contract which is extremely easy to get out of, like a few clicks of a button, or mailing a two-question form into the licensing authority sounds like a great idea. However, would that really still be called a marriage without a qualifier (like pseudo-marriage)?

 

[Smiles]

Divorce is very hard on everybody, especially if children are involved. I have a friend who recently divorced. It started off pleasantly. They divided up assets, and both were in agreement. Then the wife talked to a lawyer on the advice of a friend. It all went to hell from then on.

I don't want us to end up that way. For now, we get along on almost every other thing.

Maybe there is that fear that the grass may not be greener. Sure, a new relationship may start out great. It may not continue.

Maybe most people stay past expiration because they fear being alone.

 

[Marcus]

I don't want us to end up that way. We get along on almost every other thing.

Makes perfect sense to me. If it's working, why add a new layer of external pressure, barriers to exit, and expectations? "This is working out great, let's get the state involved!" said no rational person ever.

Maybe most people stay past expiration because they fear being alone.

I imagine that's part of it. Marriage aside, I'm certain that this has been much of my motivation for staying in dead-end relationships in the past.

 

[Smiles]

If it's working, why add a new layer of external pressure, barriers to exit, and expectations? "This is working out great, let's get the state involved!!" said no rational person ever.

I imagine that's part of it. Marriage aside, I'm certain that this has been much of my motivation for staying in dead-end relationships in the past.

I have a lot of freedom. My wife doesn't control all my activities. Work hard, play hard, that's me. I like to get out now and meet people. I have changed so much over this past year. I am developing new friendships and having fun. I no longer make my wife responsible for my happiness. My wife is beginning to notice the change me. It feels awesome.

The financial devastation of divorce would be more than I can handle. Why go there? It does work for us, at least for now.

 

[Marcus]

The financial devastation of divorce would be more than I can handle. Why go there? It does work for us.

My apologies. I misunderstood what you said. I didn't realize you were actually condoning carrying on a marriage because divorce could cause financial difficulties. I think that is a horrific reason to continue a relationship. I was actually making the opposite point. Sorry for the confusion.

 

[Spock]

I am very affectionate. I feel I have so much love to give. My wife doesn't exactly pull away, she just doesn't initiate affection. I can easily see myself falling head over heels for a woman. I think if I had a relationship, I feel my wife would pull away as well. I don't know what she would do.


She is willing to give me sex a few times a week. Maybe she even enjoys it. I just get the feeling her heart isn't in it, never has been. Maybe that's enough. It's worked so far...

Wow, a few times a week? That's pretty phenomenal. I've heard twice a week is average for a good marriage.

 

[Smiles]

I misunderstood what you said. I didn't realize you were actually condoning carrying on a marriage because divorce could cause financial difficulties. I think that is a horrific reason to continue a relationship. I was actually making the opposite point.

Money is part of it. My wife has been a SAHM for 10 years. I think if my wife had her own income, it would empower her. Maybe not depend on me so much...

I like all the points you made. No need to apologize.

 

[Smiles]

Wow, a few times a week? That's pretty phenomenal. I've heard twice a week is average for a good marriage.

Several months back, I wanted to see what I was capable of. In a two-week period, we had sex 12 times. That was way more than she could handle.

 

[Smiles]

Obviously one of your love language is touch and her's is NOT. What are her love languages? Read the book on the 5 love languages - it is very helpful in this area, it was VERY eye opening for my husband and I.

I have read the book. I've read many books. My wife's love languages are acts of service and quality time. I love to cook and I love spending time with my wife. I also like a clean home. I am definitely not afraid of the vacuum cleaner and laundry. I do that all the time.

My wife is very receptive of affection. She is getting better at initiating hugs, as well as sex. I just seem to want sex way more than she does. So scheduled sex works best. We skip 2 days. if I want more I will draw hearts and xoxoxo on the bathroom, way in advance, to mentally prepare her. As long as I don't do that too much, she is okay.

Last year, for some stupid reason, I kept count of sex for the year. 92 times total!

So we do get along great. I hope it doesn't sound like we are about to be divorced. We just don't have that lust for each other. I think over the past two years we have changed our marriage drastically. I think we survived a very rough patch and we seem to be stronger.

This is all I know about relationships. I don't know what I would get long term with another woman.

Some people stay in a marriage because the marriage is comfortable. With an open/poly marriage, I may realize I have an amazing wife. If she can get out and meet men, she may realize the same. Isn't that a good thing?

 

[kdt26417]

I don't know man, it all depends on the individuals involved.

 

[Mahogany]

I like that method of drawing hearts or xoxoxo. Your wife sounds a lot like me, and my hubby is a lot like you. That method would work very well for me. I have a hard time initiating sex, at times. Maybe I'll think up a playful signal for him, or a way for him to hint that he is in want of some lovin.'

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like you kind of rely on your husband to let you know when he's in the mood, since you probably wouldn't think of it as often as he would? So, not, "This is too much;" just, "Oh I hadn't thought of it right now." If so, then it's all good.

 

[polybynature]

What I find curious or hard to handle in my situation, is that their marriage is falling apart while they are poly. He had the opportunity to turn to me, and I didn't mind being there, as I love him dearly. Our relationship has surpassed theirs in a romance sense because they aren't a couple anymore, though sharing a home and some time. I cant help but think, what if? What if they rekindle, rebuild? What does that do to change what he and I have built?

It's a little selfish, but I think we are all a little selfish in protecting our own desires.

 

[Smiles]

Their marriage is falling apart while they are poly. He had the opportunity to turn to me, and I didn't mind being there, as I love him dearly. Our relationship has surpassed theirs in a romance sense because they aren't a couple anymore, though sharing a home and some time. I cant help but think, what if they rekindle, rebuild? What does that do to change what he and I have built?
It's a little selfish, but I think we are all a little selfish in protecting our own desires.

What I find interesting is that now that I am building friendships with women, my wife seems to be more attracted to me.

Not that our marriage is falling apart, because it isn't.

What I realize is that I am definitely not a player. Any relationship will be more on an emotional level, or one where there is mutual chemistry.

My wife and I have friendship chemistry. It's just not sexual chemistry.

I have gorgeous female friends that I am not sexually attracted to.

What I also fear is that when a woman comes along with a mutual sexual attraction, as well as an emotional attraction, it may very quickly surpass what I have with my wife. That's just speculation, though.

Polybynature, would you be hurt if they fixed their marriage with you being 2nd, or even out of the relationship? Dumb question, I know.

 

[polybynature]

What I find interesting is that now that I am building friendships with women, my wife seems to be more attracted to me. Not that our marriage is falling apart, because it isn't. What I realize is that I am definitely not a player. Any relationship will be more on an emotional level or one where there is mutual chemistry...

My wife and I have that friendship chemistry. I have gorgeous female friends that I am not sexual attracted to. What I also fear that when a woman comes along with a mutual sexual attraction as well as an emotional attraction, it may very quickly surpass what I have with my wife.

Polybynature, would you be hurt if they fixed their marriage with you being 2nd, or even out of the relationship?

Being with other people can strengthen a relationship. It all depends on the people. I enjoy when my spouse is with other women, and am not threatened by or jealous of any emotional or physical relationships. I feel incredibly secure with him.

My bf had the same worry as you. He and I DO have an emotional and intense sexual connection. But that surpassing what he has with the wife was not because of his and my relationship. There is a lot going on there between the two of them. I have this connection with bf, and still am doing very well with my spouse. But my spouse and I don't feel we are lacking any connections, though there are some to work on more.

To answer your question, hell, yes. I couldn't go back to 2nd with him, not after what we've been through. I'd probably leave rather than do that, but I also don't think it's going to happen, and I def don't see him dropping me and being back with her. I don't know where they are going, which is hard, but I think he and I are pretty strong. I just worry about him. I can feel like I know what's right for the people I love sometimes, and struggle to not try to make them see it that way.

 

[Smiles]

If your bf became single and wanted even more of your time, would that be a good thing?

Does you bf have any other potential gfs?

For me, I think as soon as one relationship developed, it would give me the confidence to expand my horizons.

Since we signed our open marriage contract, my confidence has increased already. A female friend wanted to change her hair color and was asking my opinion (like I know that kind of stuff). Then she showed me some pics of her all dressed up, with her long hair down. I said something like "Wow! You are hot all dressed up!" Can't believe I said that. A year ago, I NEVER would have said that. Anyway, she blushed a little. She is cute, but 20 years younger than me.

If your bf leaves his wife, his confidence will improve, I'm sure, which will change him probably for the better. Would he be open for other gfs?

Right now, you are a far better match for him, so it seems. I think that gives you the power.

 

[polybynature]

If your bf became single and wanted even more of your time, would that be a good thing? Does you bf have any other potential gfs?

For me, I think as soon as one relationship developed, it would give me the confidence to expand my horizons.

Since we signed our open marriage contract, my confidence has increased already. A female friend wanted to change her hair color and was asking my opinion l(ike I know that kind of stuff), then she showed me some pics of her all dressed up with her long hair down. I said something like Wow! You are hot all dressed up! Can't believe I said that...A year ago, I NEVER would have said that. Anyway, she blushed a little. She is cute, but 20 years younger than me.

If your bf leaves his wife, his confidence will improve, I'm sure, which will change him probably for the better. Would he be open for other gfs?

Right now, you are a far better match for him, so it seems. I think that gives you the power.

Thanks, sunshine. Enjoying our convo for different sides of a similar issue.

I'm younger than BF too, it happens. We are an amazing match, but I am married. So really, if he becomes single, he gets from me what he already has. Any more would require consent and involvement of my spouse. Luckily, they are good friends. If he had his own place, I'd love to spend one night a week sleeping there. Right now, overnights are once a month or so. That would require talking to my spouse a lot. His issue would be more kid stuff than him and me stuff.

Yes, I think he'd have more confidence. He already does. Even my spouse, while remaining happy with me, has gained SO much confidence from poly. For all these years, he never fully believed he was as handsome and desirable as I always told him he was. It's the same with bf. Hs self-esteem has been crushed by the wife. She is very controlling and blames him for everything wrong with herself, their life etc. I understand his bond, his 20 years of the GOOD memories, but I think he'd be better without her.

He is open to dating. He just started recently, which is new for me. It's been just him and me for a few months, and just me and the wife for the handful of months before that (totaling just over a year). So, I'm poly, but new to him having new ladies. He knows I would like to remain as a "primary" of sorts, as I am now, so I just have to trust he won't change that with new relationships.

 

[Smiles]

Polybynature, do you have a relationship with bf's wife, as well?

 

[polybynature]

Do you have a relationship with bf's wife, as well?

Romantically? No, I am not bi. In general? Also no. I tried very hard at the beginning, but she just wasn't having it. We are like night and day. She finds me offensive, and I find her churlish and manipulative. It sometimes amazes me that one man could be in love with both of us.

 

[Smiles]

What I find interesting is that all my love interests are totally different from my wife, physically as well as personality-wise.

The reason is that 22 years ago, I was a totally different man than I am today. Back then, I had very little confidence. I was broken. My wife was the friend I needed at the time. My needs are different now than they were back then. She is still my lifelong friend.

It may be the same for your bf. He may not want to let go of what he feels is his best friend. Now that your provide for his physical needs, all is fine for the moment. Just a thought.