partners marriage trouble

kdt26417 said:
It sounds like about the only thing you can do about your boyfriend's marital problems is to wait until he is ready to free himself from that marriage. Are you of the firm opinion that he should leave his wife? (I'm guessing yes, but I always hesitate to assume.)
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Yeah, I am. I don't want to see him hurt anymore, and he would be brilliant out on his own. Wait I shall. Unfortunately, I'm the impatient type, but I'm learning.
 
Well, maybe he can detach himself little by little. Keep us posted.
 
The saga continues. BF has confided in my spouse about what's going on in the marriage, which I thought was fine and good. They are so close. Hubs ended up telling me not to expect them to divorce, and that I need to get over my loathing of the wife, and accept that he wants to stay with her, despite how badly she treats him, and that they currently have no relationship.

I talked with bf, and he said he wants something back with her eventually, a little bit of a romantic and sexual connection. I told him, as his primary now (which we both agree I am, outside of sharing finances) it would be extremely difficult to watch him connect with someone I spent over a year bolstering him up, while she destroyed him. He didn't get that.

Now I just feel bad. I feel bad that bf and hubs talked. I feel bad hubs and I talked about it. I feel like everything is fucked up. I want so badly for him to just leave her, because she is so bad for him. I'm not sure I can get past that and be okay with them.
 
You can agree all you like. You can't give him what his wife gives him. You have no say where he gets what you can't give. It's that simple.
 
I'm not sure what it is she's giving him. I understand getting things from other partners... but as far as I know, all she's giving him is a hard time.
 
I'd argue that's as far as you want to know. She has practical entanglements that you can't offer.
 
Hey Poly,

I can relate to what your bf may be going through. Since our open marriage contract, our sex life, although bad before, has come to a halt. Her true emotionless self is becoming more visible. She does all this with a smile, as if it is acceptable for me, because of our new open marriage.

If I project myself into your bf, I can understand.

Do they stay together for finances?

Is he just afraid of being alone?

Your bf's wife is his Plan B. He needs to be a primary to somebody else, somebody who likes sex. I don't think your bf is poly, just like I don't believe I am poly. I think I am becoming that slowly. I realize that no one person can be everything.

Your bf found a woman who enjoys his company, as well as sex (you). He knows it may not give him what he truly desires, because you are married, and happily in a poly relationship. Your husband and bf even get along well enough for your bf to open up to your husband.

When the time comes and I do find myself in a relationship, I will still hang on to that fairytale marriage, even though deep down, it doesn't exist.

If your bf left his wife, what then? How would he spend his evenings when not with you?

Some days, I feel my wife has no romantic love at all. I wonder if I will ever have that with any woman.

Many many years back, while in the Navy, I had the best sexual relationship ever, with a stripper. She wasn't a stripper when I met her. It was just about sex, not deep love, and it was good. It was great.

It really sucks to have feelings for another and hang on to any sliver of love that just may not be there. Your bf still loves his wife, even though she may not show him any love. I bet he bends over backwards to earn her love.
 
Smiles said:
I can relate to what your bf may be going through. Our sex life has come to a halt. Her true emotionless self is becoming more visible.

If I can project myself into your bf , I can understand. Do they stay together for finances? Is he just afraid of being alone?

Your bf's wife is his Plan B. He needs to be a primary to somebody who likes sex. I don't think your bf is poly, just like I don't believe I am poly.
Your bf found a woman who enjoys his company, as well as sex (you). He knows it may not give him what he truly desires because you are married, and happily in a poly relationship.

If your bf left his wife, what then? How would he spend his evenings when not with you?

Many many years back I had the best sexual relationship ever. It was just about sex, not deep love, and it was great.

It really sucks to have feelings for another and hang on to any sliver of love that just may not be there. Your bf still loves his wife, even though she may not show him any love. I bet he bends over backwards to earn her love.
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Thanks smiles, that is helpful. Right now, they have no connection left, no sex, no time together, etc. But I think you're right, he still loves her and he's holding onto the dream. I cant give him any more, because I have a good poly marriage. It's hard to feel like my good times with him help him stay in something bad. He says there are good things there too (the marriage) but I don't see them, so it's hard. She and I don't talk. I tried at the beginning.

He stays because he's just that nice and loyal. He is one of the most kindhearted people I've ever met, to a fault.
 
Yes, that fits me perfectly. I am Mr. Nice Guy. There isn't a mean bone in my body. My daughter is my world, as well.
 
Smiles said:
Does your bf have family, close friends?
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He has a couple siblings. One is being very supportive, and that seems to be helping. The other doesn't know anything yet. He needs more close friends. I think drawing closer to my spouse has been helping.
 
The wife is still his best friend. I know that seems crazy. He won't leave her until he feels confident that he has a new best female friend.

I am assuming he is Mr. Nice Guy and most women may feel "safe" with him.
 
Update on the latest in this mess. I can't deal with him being with her anymore. The secrecy of people we are around not knowing we are together and they are not, and treating them like a couple to my face. Seeing her and having her treat him poorly, and him crumble. It's awful to watch.

If they do reconcile, I won't stay with him. He knows this, and I suppose that's my choice. He wants me to try to like her, but we are well beyond that. I don't just not like her, I don't like him with her.
 
Forgive me for not reading all the replies before making my own lol

My guy is married and living with his wife. They have been married for 16 years. They also have their own rooms, hers being the living room, since she allowed the master bedroom to become a disgusting cluttered mess. He has a futon in their spare room and keeps his areas clean. This is one of the most annoying aspects of them still living as married.

He goes out of his way to do everything for her. He rarely complains unless it interferes with our time.

He feels indebted to her. Financially and emotionally.

At some times he says he will leave, or he has had enough, or the next issue will be the last straw. But the bottom line is he is he cares for her even if she is being the most ridiculous person imaginable. Lol

I can see your situation effects your relationship. The most trouble I have with her is just wishing she could be cleaner. He handles her well even though I think she is terrible. Perhaps she needs him.

Weighing your relationship against the possible continuation of his current situation is key. I have decided, even in the event my lover remains married to this woman, that what we have is worth the issues I deal with concerning her.

It takes a lot of respect and trust that he has his end under control.

If that respect and trust is fading for you, it might be time to rethink, for sure.
 
Spiritowl said:
Forgive me for not reading all the replies before making my own lol

My guy is married and living with his wife. They have been married for 16 years.
They also have their own rooms (hers being the living room since she allowed the master bedroom to become a disgusting cluttered mess) he has a futon in their spare room and keeps his areas clean. This is one of the most annoying aspects of them still living as married.

He goes out of his way to do everything for her. He rarely complains unless it interferes with our time.

He feels indebted to her. Financially and emotionally.

At some times he says he will leave or he has had enough or the next issue will be the last straw. But the bottom line is he is he cares for her even if she is being the most ridiculous person imaginable. Lol

I can see your situation effects your relationship. The most trouble I have with her is just wishing she could be cleaner. He handles her well even though I think she is terrible. Perhaps she needs him.

Weighing your relationship against the possible continuation of his current situation is key. I have decided even in the eventual my lover remains married to this woman thay what we have to worth the issues I deal with concerning her.
It takes a lot of respect and trust that he has his end under control.

If that respect and trust is fading for you it might be time to rethink, for sure.
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Thanks for your input. :) I'm curious. Does he talk about her to you, and involve you in anything, like, say, "We can leave for dinner in 30 minutes, but first we have to do XYZ for Sally"?

Do people know they are apart? Do you have to spend any time with her? (That's the worst part, our social circles cross, and he doesn't see a problem with this, whereas, I do, because last time it happened we both ended up mad at him.)

I guess I'm looking for a little perspective. Sometimes it's hard to know when I'm right, or overly emotional.
 
When my lover's wife admitted to an affAir is when they 'opened up'. He allowed her to work through all her emotions with this other guy with him! He listened to her cry when the guy finally hurt her and left her. He is just a super caring person... She comes from a family of women who are anything but independent and her in her 40s I think he is just ready to be her help meet for the long haul.
Some.people have it in them and remain strong. Some don't. You are doing well to get info and look for a solution! If it's break I wish you strength!
 
So Poly... You're making him choose?

Something is keeping him attached to his wife...Maybe he feels he would be lost without her...Maybe he doesn't want a messy Divorce. Maybe he likes the idea of being married, especially bathing their circle of friends...

I know for me and for my business, I feel I am doing better because I am a married man..I also enjoy our circle of friends. I don't want our mutual friends to pick sides.That may not be the case with your bf...

I get a feeling that he may R with his wife and she may not want an open marriage anymore. His wife may make that decision for you...

Somehow, his unloving wife is dangling a carrot in front of him....just until he leaves you and soon she will be back to her old self...

Just my gut feeling...

You are giving me something to think about for myself when a poly type relationship comes my way...I don't know if I would be able to chose. He seems to want to be somebody's primary...As of now, he may not feel he is anybody's primary...
 
polybynature said:
I cant really deal with him being with her anymore . . . if they do reconcile I wont stay with him . . .
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Smiles said:
So Poly... You're making him choose?
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No, she is not "making him" do anything. How can anyone "make" a grown person do something, anyway? Each of them are making choices for their own lives as they see fit. She is choosing for herself what she will or will not have or condone in her own life. She does not have to accept his choices for herself, nor sit idly by if his choices affect her negatively. He can continue the relationship he has with his wife if he wants to, but PBN has stood up for herself. She knows she will not stick around if that happens and has made that clear to him. Big difference between that and issuing an ultimatum or "making him" do something. He has a choice as well.

PBN, good for you! You have chosen a path that is healthier for you, and that is all any of us can do.
 
nycindie said:
No, she is not "making him" do anything. How can anyone "make" a grown person do something, anyway? Each of them are making choices for their own lives as they see fit. She is choosing for herself what she will or will not have or condone in her own life. She does not have to accept his choices for herself, nor sit idly by if his choices affect her negatively. He can continue the relationship he has with his wife if he wants to, but PBN has stood up for herself. She knows she will not stick around if that happens and has made that clear to him. Big difference between that and issuing an ultimatum or "making him" do something. He has a choice as well.

PBN, good for you! You have chosen a path that is healthier for you, and that is all any of us can do.
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If what Smiles meant, is that the OP is putting the husband where he has to make a choice, than yes. He should have to make a choice. Life is about choices. It's stinky to say, Choose between me and her. But it's perfectly fine to say, Either you meet my minimum standards or you don't. She isn't making him leave the wife; she's saying she needs certain things for herself to stay.

Smiles, saying that he is afraid to be without her or worried about losing friends is not enough to excuse the husband from avoiding making a hard decision.
 
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