Partner's more attractive partner

D

dierdre080

New member
Hi!
A little background- I currently have 3 partners: my husband, my boyfriend, and my girlfriend. My boyfriend, lets call him Q, recently reconnected with a woman from his past that he was still really hung up on- lets call her B. There is a lot of complicated issues to sort through for them if they are going to date again, but for the most part, I am really supportive of whatever he wants to do in that respect.

The hang up that I am having- I am a person of average attractiveness (being objective, I am a flat 7/10). When I was very young, a boyfriend told me that it was a good thing that I am smart and funny , since I am not beautiful. I really took that on as an element of my personality, and do not believe that I am beautiful in a conventional way. B is very beautiful. Q and I have talked about it, and he has said- "I love you for so many reasons, your appearance is not why I love you". I am struggling with intense feelings of insecurity because I know that she is much, much more attractive than me and also- I know that he thinks so too. Have any of you been in this situation? Is it really possible for him to still be attracted to me and want to be with me, even when she is so much more attractive?
 
dierdre080 said:
Hi!
A little background- I currently have 3 partners: my husband, my boyfriend, and my girlfriend. My boyfriend, lets call him Q, recently reconnected with a woman from his past that he was still really hung up on- lets call her B. There is a lot of complicated issues to sort through for them if they are going to date again, but for the most part, I am really supportive of whatever he wants to do in that respect.

The hang up that I am having- I am a person of average attractiveness (being objective, I am a flat 7/10). When I was very young, a boyfriend told me that it was a good thing that I am smart and funny , since I am not beautiful. I really took that on as an element of my personality, and do not believe that I am beautiful in a conventional way. B is very beautiful. Q and I have talked about it, and he has said- "I love you for so many reasons, your appearance is not why I love you". I am struggling with intense feelings of insecurity because I know that she is much, much more attractive than me and also- I know that he thinks so too. Have any of you been in this situation? Is it really possible for him to still be attracted to me and want to be with me, even when she is so much more attractive?
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Oh, I have! Well, my interest is older than me so while I am, if I may brag, very accomplished in my field for my relatively young age I get the insecurity train often imagining mine talking to richer, more successful people who just have had more time than me. I imagine you worry about how he'll be head over heels at her beauty, willing to launch a thousand ships for her smile, and you get to sit on the beach watching.

I see this two ways. Firstly, I let mine know I need a little extra TLC and she is great at that (mostly!). As Gala Girl and a few others asked me, have I asked her for that? So let me anticipate them and ask you if you have communicated to Q to highlight what he likes about your beauty specifically. It sounds like you have raised the issue about her beauty related to your jealousy but maybe not in depth specifically to the point of the issue of your own reflection on your attraction and how he may help you as a partner. Also I feel like his explanation was well meant but would sting if I heard that, the phrasing was a bit obtuse, but I get the gist of where he was going - but I hope you take a moment to remember the unique things you offer as a person to him!

I know it might be painful to do so given that it seems this is a deep seated issue, but I think talking again about this and how you are sensitive due to it as a prior emotional injury might help and will let Q know to remember to highlight what he likes about you physically from time to time. I bet you he will mention specific things in the moment - like your hair or eyes or such - that he appreciates about you, which will give you comfort and aide. Also, a 7/10 is above average, and I am sure your 3 partners will agree with your self-rating - so you are beautiful!

Second, have you talked about this issue with someone outside your partners? With all due respect I think that you need a bit of help if the comment from long ago keeps nagging. People suck, you shouldn't have to live with that fear and you shouldn't fear getting some assistance in fighting it! But I did smile when you said you are beautiful, everyone has something to offer and you recognize that you do have strengths to show off even if jealousy is attacking an area of concern. That is strength!
 
I am sorry you are struggling with this.

Q and I have talked about it, and he has said- "I love you for so many reasons, your appearance is not why I love you".
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Where you asking him? And he answered you honestly?

Or did this come out of the sky?

I am struggling with intense feelings of insecurity because I know that she is much, much more attractive than me and also- I know that he thinks so too.
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What are you afraid will happen?

I find it odd you focus on her looks and not on the fact she's an ex, they broke up for a reason, and there's complicated issues to sort through for them if they are going to date again. If a partner of mine was thinking about taking back up with an ex? I think I'd be more worried about potential drama leaking on to me than whether or not she's hot.

Have any of you been in this situation? Is it really possible for him to still be attracted to me and want to be with me, even when she is so much more attractive?
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He says he wants to be with you and he is attracted to you. What stops you from believing him? Is he not trustworthy?

Are you the one beating up on yourself or comparing and kicking your own security bucket over?

The men I've been attracted and dated have been SO different. Different color hair, some tall and lanky, some short and chubby. Some doing white collar jobs, some blue collar. And while one might think that it's been the chubby ones who are insecure about the tall, lanky ones? The tall, lanky ones sometimes had their own issues.

The one I married was the one that was secure in his own self. And that's part of the attractiveness to me and part of why I married him. It wasn't that I was unsupportive, but it would get tiresome to me to have to listen to people going on about their worries over their looks. I was trying to date THEM not the Worry Monster. YKWIM?

Me? I'm like -- "We all get old eventually. Why dwell so much on this?" I'm not conventionally pretty. I've been told I'm attractive but "exotic" which around here means "not blue eyed blond American type." I'm not bullet proof. When people I was dating were dating others -- I used to feel pangs of worry that they might like the other person better and end it with me. But I also know that they could end it with me even without another person around. People get to choose who they want to be with just as I do. So I had to make my peace with it and let the chips fall where they fall.

And me myself over the decades? I've been slim, I've been fat, I've been slim, I've been fat. I've been without any medical issues, I've been with them to the point of wheelchair/crutches. I've had various colors of hair and haircuts. I've been pregnant shape. I've been poor, so spending time and money on clothing and appearances was a laugh when trying to make rent. I've been better off so I can spent more on wardrobe, make up and upkeep. The only thing I'm sure of is it that my looks will keep going that way -- up and down with the decades and my energy level to spend on upkeep/fashion.

As for you... what's wrong with being a 7/10 who is smart and funny? Do you not like it? Or not like being you? You have THREE partners. Something about you is worthwhile for them to be with you. IME, the looks change over the time, but the smart and funny ages really well most of the time.

What's it take for you to be enough you FOR YOU? And be ok taking up the space you do in the world?

You don't have to answer here. Just maybe something to think about? I hope you feel better over time.

Galagirl
 
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I want to harp on something Gala brought up towards the end and that I think about when I see these beautiful people at the gym who seem to focus on vanity -

Looks fade. You have a diverse set of things to offer that tantalizes three partners. That's real, quality wealth of a person right there.
 
tallbosguy said:
Oh, I have! Well, my interest is older than me so while I am, if I may brag, very accomplished in my field for my relatively young age I get the insecurity train often imagining mine talking to richer, more successful people who just have had more time than me. I imagine you worry about how he'll be head over heels at her beauty, willing to launch a thousand ships for her smile, and you get to sit on the beach watching.

I see this two ways. Firstly, I let mine know I need a little extra TLC and she is great at that (mostly!). As Gala Girl and a few others asked me, have I asked her for that? So let me anticipate them and ask you if you have communicated to Q to highlight what he likes about your beauty specifically. It sounds like you have raised the issue about her beauty related to your jealousy but maybe not in depth specifically to the point of the issue of your own reflection on your attraction and how he may help you as a partner. Also I feel like his explanation was well meant but would sting if I heard that, the phrasing was a bit obtuse, but I get the gist of where he was going - but I hope you take a moment to remember the unique things you offer as a person to him!

I know it might be painful to do so given that it seems this is a deep seated issue, but I think talking again about this and how you are sensitive due to it as a prior emotional injury might help and will let Q know to remember to highlight what he likes about you physically from time to time. I bet you he will mention specific things in the moment - like your hair or eyes or such - that he appreciates about you, which will give you comfort and aide. Also, a 7/10 is above average, and I am sure your 3 partners will agree with your self-rating - so you are beautiful!

Second, have you talked about this issue with someone outside your partners? With all due respect I think that you need a bit of help if the comment from long ago keeps nagging. People suck, you shouldn't have to live with that fear and you shouldn't fear getting some assistance in fighting it! But I did smile when you said you are beautiful, everyone has something to offer and you recognize that you do have strengths to show off even if jealousy is attacking an area of concern. That is strength!
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These are great questions! I have indeed been seeing a therapist, and we are working on my issues of self-worth. I have told Q about my issues, and he does know that I need extra reassurance of why he is attracted to me- and is pretty good at providing that.

It is such a ridiculous thought that I have- but if he can be with someone, especially sexually, who he finds very attractive (like a 9/10 for him), how will he be able to be intimate with me without feeling like it is a downgrade, or comparing us.
 
GalaGirl said:
Where you asking him? And he answered you honestly?

Or did this come out of the sky?
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I asked him. I have already known that he finds her to be very attractive because we have known each other for years, and I was a close friend when they dated before. So then I said- "are you still going to love me the same if you are dating someone you find so attractive? "

As for you second question- is he not trustworthy? - In the past, he has said some unkind things about my appearance (~10 years ago). Since we have been dating, he has not done anything to show that he is untrustworthy, but I still have that kernel of knowledge about those things he said before.
 
It is such a ridiculous thought that I have- but if he can be with someone, especially sexually, who he finds very attractive (like a 9/10 for him), how will he be able to be intimate with me without feeling like it is a downgrade, or comparing us.
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Let me repeat back so I know I get it.
  • You are worrying in advance about sharing sex with him again after he's shared sex with her. (Even though they aren't sure they are getting back together.)
  • You are worrying about something that might or might not happen over there in HIS brain at this future event?
    • You think he might not want to share sex with you any more if he's with the hottie again.
    • Or if he does share sex with you still, he'll view it as a "downgrade" from the hottie.
You say he does a good job of reassuring you he loves you and wants to be here. So... Is this a realistic worry to spend your time and energy on when you do not control what goes on in his brain?

It's almost like you beat up on yourself THROUGH him. Even though he's not done anything. You end up upsetting yourself with things you think HE might think... when the event in question isn't even here yet.

Sometimes you have to talk BACK to your worries and decide to only pursue the ones that are realistic concerns on the front burner. There's this book for kids called "Wilma Jean the Worry Machine." This reminds me of that.


As for you second question- is he not trustworthy? - In the past, he has said some unkind things about my appearance (~10 years ago). Since we have been dating, he has not done anything to show that he is untrustworthy, but I still have that kernel of knowledge about those things he said before.
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So... this is is about forgiveness then? Even though his behavior since you have been dating him demonstrates he is trustworthy and he's good at providing the extra reassurance you need....You haven't really forgiven him for what he said 10 years ago before you were dating.

So....How long is "time served" before you let him off the hook on that one? And yourself? And if you don't want to forgive, why date him in the first place? Did you ever talk about him hurting your feelings with his comment from back then?

You don't have to answer here. I'm not trying to be mean or anything... just maybe something to think about from a different perspective?

You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are a person who has some thoughts sometimes. And has feelings sometimes. But YOU are the one in the driver's seat and you get to decide. You think stuff? Or you experience some feelings? You get to decide how to respond or react to that.

Galagirl
 
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My boyfriend/anchor just got out of a secondary relationship with a woman much more conventionally attractive than me. I never saw her, but based on how into her he seemed, and knowing I'm not his usual type (he likes strippers) I surmised it. Now that they broke up, I asked him straight out.

He described her as "I bit my fingers first time I saw her." The first time he saw me? He thought I was "cute."

But you know what? He didn't lose his mind over her and kept our relationship a priority, and not because we live together or have kids together, he could've easily let me go to be with Hotty McHotington full time (she wasn't seeing anyone else.) Obviously, geeky little me with my average looks engaged him in some way that kept him around.

The other day he said to me "I cherish all the little details about you, like the way you get a little dimple way over here when you smile." I think this is the key....

Conventional beauty certainly holds power, but someone who loves you finds the little things that are uniquely beautiful to them and loves the heck out of them. Likewise, you will start to see the cracks and flaws in conventionally pretty types. I look forward to reading more on this thread.
 
dierdre080 said:
Is it really possible for him to still be attracted to me and want to be with me, even when she is so much more attractive?
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How is it possible for you to still be attracted to your partner after having sex with your other BFs? Do each if them not have something special about them that would be perceptively better than your partner?

The point I am trying to make is attraction and sex don’t work one dimensionally. I think you already know that deep down. You may be letting insecurity cloud your thinking...

I am a hetero male that doesn’t even know what everyone means when they say “conventional beauty”... So obviously this isn’t a topic I think about. In fact I would assume everyone who says this is picturing something different...

There are some people who get wrapped up in society status symbols and give absolute priority to beauty, or wealth, or whatever... But you have already established this is not the case for your boyfriend. His sense of attraction is not one dimensional. I am supporting this claim with the fact that she is an ex, and after they broke up the first time, “conventional beauty” was not one of his requirements when beginning his next relationship.

My gf once compared me to Kraft maceroni and cheese; you know, with the powdered cheese sauce... Not the most flattering compliment.. But over time this is what I have noticed: She might eat fancy cheese noodles every once in a while, but our pantry is always stocked with classic Kraft. If she had to choose just one type of Mac to take to a desert island, I have a good hunch about which one she would choose.

Try not to let insecurities affect what your partner already appreciates about you... Because that will have a bigger impact on the situation than whatever “10” he happens to be dating...
 
GalaGirl said:
Let me repeat back so I know I get it.
  • You are worrying in advance about sharing sex with him again after he's shared sex with her. (Even though they aren't sure they are getting back together.)
  • You are worrying about something that might or might not happen over there in HIS brain at this future event?
    • You think he might not want to share sex with you any more if he's with the hottie again.
    • Or if he does share sex with you still, he'll view it as a "downgrade" from the hottie.
You say he does a good job of reassuring you he loves you and wants to be here. So... Is this a realistic worry to spend your time and energy on when you do not control what goes on in his brain?

It's almost like you beat up on yourself THROUGH him. Even though he's not done anything. You end up upsetting yourself with things you think HE might think... when the event in question isn't even here yet.

Sometimes you have to talk BACK to your worries and decide to only pursue the ones that are realistic concerns on the front burner. There's this book for kids called "Wilma Jean the Worry Machine." This reminds me of that.




So... this is is about forgiveness then? Even though his behavior since you have been dating him demonstrates he is trustworthy and he's good at providing the extra reassurance you need....You haven't really forgiven him for what he said 10 years ago before you were dating.

So....How long is "time served" before you let him off the hook on that one? And yourself? And if you don't want to forgive, why date him in the first place? Did you ever talk about him hurting your feelings with his comment from back then?

You don't have to answer here. I'm not trying to be mean or anything... just maybe something to think about from a different perspective?

You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are a person who has some thoughts sometimes. And has feelings sometimes. But YOU are the one in the driver's seat and you get to decide. You think stuff? Or you experience some feelings? You get to decide how to respond or react to that.

Galagirl
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Galagirl,
Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. It brought me to tears a few times- and not in a tragic way. I don't think you were at all mean. You were pointing out some flaws in my logic. I am so prone to self-hatred and/or comparison that I let that spiral happen and think that it would be easy for me to just not be in x situation because I don't matter to the other people in that situation. I am going to have to work on that. I have to trust him about how he feels about me- because you're right- I am NOT inside his head. Thank you.
 
Glad you took it in spirit intended.

I am so prone to self-hatred and/or comparison that I let that spiral happen and think that it would be easy for me to just not be in x situation because I don't matter to the other people in that situation. I am going to have to work on that.
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That right there shows that you can sometimes recognize when you are slipping into "downward spiral thoughts." Which means you are in the driver's seat enough to notice.

So with some practice (even though it is a familiar road to go down) you can choose NOT to travel that road . Challenge and talk back to the thoughts/feelings. You choose to turn the steering wheel and travel some other road.

Maybe bring that up with your therapist for help?

Look at this again.

I am so prone to self-hatred and/or comparison that I let that spiral happen and think that it would be easy for me to just not be in x situation because I don't matter to the other people in that situation.
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Assuming you are not hanging around with actual jerks....

If you always bail when it gets uncomfortable? When are you going to risk sticking around to discover nothing doom happens so you can let the self limiting thoughts go? Sooner or later you have to risk trusting that people like you for you, and that they DO care. And you give liking yourself a chance and stop being your own self bully. Show yourself some self care.

It's not sounding like being your own self bully brings you any joy. :(

I don't know where you learned that self hatred behavior. But maybe it's ok to let it go? It's not self respecting behavior to go around beating up on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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dierdre080 said:
Galagirl,
I am so prone to self-hatred and/or comparison that I let that spiral happen and think that it would be easy for me to just not be in x situation because I don't matter to the other people in that situation. I am going to have to work on that.
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So it is super hard right now in the world, and this is my battle, but do you plan to reach out to someone about this? I plan to, I think it is a good idea if you can. You hopefully are stronger than I but that spiral is a vicious bastard.
 
dierdre080 said:
Is it really possible for him to still be attracted to me and want to be with me, even when she is so much more attractive?
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dierdre080 said:
I am so prone to self-hatred and/or comparison that I let that spiral happen and think that it would be easy for me to just not be in x situation because I don't matter to the other people in that situation.
GalaGirl said:
So with some practice (even though it is a familiar road to go down) you can choose NOT to travel that road . Challenge and talk back to the thoughts/feelings. You choose to turn the steering wheel and travel some other road.
Click to expand...
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So wanted to begin by suggesting a refocusing technique. Think about what you are saying to yourself and think if someone you didn't know said it to your friend and how you would react. Most likely you would want to yell at that person, "STOP BEING MEAN TO MY FRIEND!" and pull your friend away. When you start doing things like that to yourself, try saying that in your head. Stole this from someone else but find it works.

Attraction is so many things it is almost unquantifiable yet so obvious sometimes for ourselves it hurts. Things that have caught my attraction from women are:
  • Being kind to someone for no reason
  • smile
  • smell
  • Laugh
  • dancing in a car
  • political activism
  • cussing someone out
  • reading a book
  • looks
  • wearing signifying jewelry
  • randomly asking me to pass the cheese at a pizza place
  • their dog or cat (yes transference is real here)
  • wielding a hammer
  • getting into a random deep conversation about X
  • bowling
  • tattoo(s)
  • and more
And some of those are fleeting and some are life long. When you focus solely on looks, which we all do to some extent, you miss things that are actually important. Also...just of note...pet peeve is talk like #/10 or conventional vs non as it comes across very male centric like we have a right to make that judgment. When you internalize these things, it makes it harder to appreciate the full person. If this is just the way you like to talk about things, then it is. But life isn't a contest with a clear ratings scale. It is a beautifully abstract painting that you get to create and make it what you will.
 
Maybe try re-thinking the “scale” you are using to define beauty:
Flowers, fairy lights and goldfish scales are all beautiful things - and they look nothing alike!

If you try to rate the flowers by how much they sparkle in the dark, they will come up flat. If you try to rate the fairy lights by their colourfulness in daylight, you probably won’t find them very appealing. What is beautiful is not one unified mass – it is unique and individualistic. If you measure both flowers and fairly lights on the scale of “how likely am I to shriek in delight when I see it” they would both get a solid 10 from me.

What I am trying to say is: Maybe your think your partners new ladyfriend is more attractive on the “societies conventional beauty" scale, but that doesn’t mean that you are not just as attractive on your partner’s “I want to hold hands and cuddle and make out and love and be loved by this person”-scale.

🌷✨
 
Hello dierdre080,

Hot looks is something that attracts someone in the beginning of a relationship. Then, after a while, looks begin to matter less, and other things begin to matter more. One of the most important attributes one can have, is kindness. Other attractive attributes are, honesty, smarts, and wit. A good-looking woman with a nasty disposition will soon repel a man who was attracted to her at first, whereas a relatively plain-looking woman with a kind disposition will soon grow on him. Looks are just one factor in a complex web of things that make one attractive. And even then, you gave yourself a flat 7/10, which to me doesn't sound terrible. I'm not saying it's impossible that Q might replace you with B. I'm just saying that the contest is not over, if there is a contest, and there shouldn't have to be one. Q can be in love with both of you. Although, NRE could also be a factor.

I can't guarantee that everything will go just as you would like it to. But don't give up hope; it really is possible for him to still be attracted to you and want to be with you, even when she is so, well, hot. You are hot too, in your own way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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