Partner's sex ethics with others

[FallenAngelina]

I felt like if I made a big deal about anything it would hurt the relationship, and might cause consequences at work. So in that way, I submitted to my fears, I guess... But I didn't enjoy it. I laid down with my eyes closed until she was done, and I felt gross and ashamed afterwards.

What would you say to a woman who said this to you about her male boss? Would you encourage her to do everything she could to "save the relationship," because they had so many mutual friends, and because she loved him? Would you encourage her to not only work on the relationship, but expand into embracing polyamory with this boss?

A note about submission: submission is a conscious choice to explore power exchange. Submission involves negotiations, clear boundaries, preferences, honesty and respect. Exploring submission is about personal expansion and growth. What you're describing is not submission, it's fear. You're describing fear and violation, not submission.

 

[FallenAngelina]

She is actually very sweet and caring, but she has some sort of issue with sex maybe, especially when she is intoxicated. And I think that might be part of her problem. She seems to change when she drinks alcohol.

Only Emma can work on this. You can't love her enough, or be understanding enough to help her. Really. Emma has to want to work on this and change herself if anything is to change here. You can't be supportive or understand enough to do it. This goes waaaaaay beyond one night getting out of hand with a random bartender. Emma has some deep pain, and only she can work to get better. Yes, she definitely can get better. But only she can do it.

 

[GalaGirl]

Could care or should care?

If you decide to CARE about your partner pursuing sex, wouldn't you naturally care about who she is sharing sex with and the methods and practices in said behavior? At the end of the day, isn’t all intermingled? Aren’t we making an assessment on someone's judgment?

If a red flag goes up over here and a red flag goes up over there, but this critically related area is none of your fucking business. I don’t see how you get it both ways.

I have a terrible cold so I'm having trouble parsing this with a fuzzy feeling head, but I will try to better clarify.

What I meant was... PolyElectric can't tell Emma who to be attracted to. Blonds, brunettes, tall people, short people, whatever. That's Emma's deal.

PolyElectric's body belongs to him. He does get to say what goes on with it. If he and Emma are going to share sex, HOW she shares sex with people matters. He and Emma have to come to some agreements around safer sex practices used, and what happens when safer sex agreements get broken. He probably would like to know Emma isn't treating her other lovers poorly and has safer sex agreements with them, also. As you say, PolyElectric and Emma's sex health would be intermingled if they are sharing sex together.

So after all this stuff has happened, I think PolyElectric has to figure out if this was a dealbreaker, or if he wants to keep going with Emma.

GG

 

[Inaniel]

For arguments sake, if we pretend for a moment that we are not talking about sex and compare this to something like employment. I may not care where my spouse works or what they do for a living, so long as it doesn't involve taking hostages and robbing banks...

I think it is okay to say "I am okay with you sleeping with other people, as long is you are being ethical, lawful, and not hurting others"... Everyone will probably have a unique tolerance for what they are comfortable with in regard to a partner's conduct with other people, be it sexual or otherwise.

This circles back to: A) Ethics being aligned as a core component of compatibility; and how it relates to B) Polyamory. Because if a partnership has "A", theoretically how they go about "B" should not be of much concern...

@PolyElectric: Regardless of what really happened between Emma and Marji, you will never know the whole story. And I don't think the details really matter. You have evidence of two instances where you have realized that you and Emma aren't aligned in how you view sexual ethics. What is important is that you have realized it bothers you, that is all that matters. You know enough. Case closed. You tried to talk about it; access denied. Don't pull your hair out trying to crack a code. Take the hint. Emma is saying "no, you don't belong in my head". Fair enough, you have exhausted your options.

 

[breathemusic]

The fact that you expressed your hurt and concern about all of what went on, and you have only been met with anger is NOT okay. It is yet another layer on top of the already pretty terrible circumstances that Emma committed sexual assault/rape against two people and violated their consent, and then pushed your very reasonable boundaries around safer sex, knowing that she holds a position of power over you as a work authority figure.

1) Just because you had unprotected sex with her once after her escapades doesn't mean that you have to keep doing it. If you're not going to end this relationship (which is my first recommendation, but one that you don't seem to want to hear), then at minimum, you should go back to using condoms, as you clearly can't trust Emma to be safe, but you also can't trust her to not push your own boundaries.

2) Please work on changing positions, or whatever you need to do so that she is NOT your superior at work. And please consider this a lesson learned to never date a work superior again, ever.

3) Therapy, individual for yourself, to potentially work through your feelings and boundaries, as a couple to work through communication and boundaries, and sounds like Emma definitely needs individual to work through her issues around drinking and pushing herself onto people and violating consent.

Again, I strongly suggest that you reconsider leaving this relationship. You seem to be focused on the fact that she's otherwise a lovely person as a reason to stay. But remember, this person sexually assaulted two other people. If your best friend, sibling, parent, anyone that you really deeply cared about came to you and said that their significant other violated the consent of two other people, and then did the same to them, what would you recommend they do? And once you think about that, why are you giving yourself a pass on taking that same advice? You can deeply care about someone and still realize that they are not a good partner and not someone that you should be with. It hurts, it's hard, but you need to take care of yourself.

 

[FallenAngelina]

She will never be better than she is now.

Of course people can be better. There are many ways to change and improve how we show up in relationships. We're never dependent on what other people are doing, and nobody is a slave to their past. Being set in one's ways is a myth. Being too old or too young or too broken-- all myths. People who are "too this or that" are simply choosing fear over willingness. Significant change is always possible. It is never a matter of how far gone someone is. It is always a matter of willingness. I know hundreds of people who have and are changing for the better every single day. I am surrounded by them. Anyone can change if they are willing.