Phy's story - as you like it

[Phy]

Hey all,

This is Phy. I decided to start accompanying you in this section because I want to share my story. It is not a sad one, at least up to today. Hopefully it won't be one in the future, but you never know. I see it as a comedy of errors most of the time.

The two men involved in my story won't be able to be with me and have their say in it, because of language boundaries. I will try to include their points of view as well, if possible. As I have touched on the language thing, I will try my best to keep this readable and grammatically correct, but I can't promise to be 100% spot-on in every case.

Well, why do I wish to blog, in a different language, telling strangers what my life looks like? Hm, I asked myself this question for about 2 weeks, then I noticed that I mainly would like to do this because of myself. Just get the things “on paper”, write it down to clear my mind. I could have done this in private, but you guys helped me big time with your stories, and I thought, “Well, why not? It won't harm you to share as well. Maybe someone will take interest in what you have to say.” And it is a really good exercise, language-wise

So, here we go.

 

[Phy]

Introduction

So, who is this about? Dramatis personae, so to speak.

Me: I didn't introduce myself on this board, so I will catch up on this now. After some detours, I ultimately became a student of History and Philosophy, as well as English. I love to study. I could go on with my studies for years, if there wouldn't be some financial aspects to this wish unfortunately. Therefore I am about to have my finals in the upcoming two terms. There is this opportunity I mentioned in my first thread, which would shift my occupational orientation quite a bit. But this isn't set yet. We will see what happens in August. Game developer or teacher, what will it be?

My husband: I know this is kind of odd, but I do not like first-letter abbreviations, therefore I will name him Sward, because that is the closest I can get to catch up on the nicks he likes to use normally. He has got green thumbs. He loves plants and trees and nature and all that stuff. (I personally get every green thing in my surrounding to die within a week, never been good with this.) He is a gardener, working mainly on the tree farm and in the nursery garden. He loves to be outside. He's one of those rare ones that loves their job like a hobby, doing hours and hours of overtime without complaining. He likes to continue working in his free time, as well.

If I would have to name a special trait of his, he has serenity, peace of mind, as a main characteristic. This helps him to put up with my egoistical and capricious moods in the morning and my demanding ways, if I get something into my head. "Firm as a rock" would describe him best.

My best friend: I will use one of the short forms he is often called by friends who play with us online. He will be called Lin. Lin has been ill most of his life. He has severe heart disease, which caused three heart attacks up to now, the first when he was 16. I will not talk about the bad times. There have been plenty, but at the moment it looks like everything is taking a turn to the brighter side of life. Again something that the next upcoming months will show. He is a painter, unbelievably creative. Unfortunately, I suck at giving supportive feedback on his work. I love them all, but if I think something is well done, I simply say, “Oh well done!” or “Good,” and that's it. On the contrary, if I think that this or that could be improved, I can give plenty of criticism. Constructive, but still criticism. And he hates that.

We are both pigheaded, real mules, so to speak, and he can be short-tempered at times. We get into heated discussions that can build up to real fights, but after a short explosion and some silent minutes we start over again and clear the misunderstanding in a more settled manner. We are able to talk and talk and talk for days. His main traits are sensibility and pride.

 

[Phy]

Short summary

As I explained in my first thread on this forum, I was really overwhelmed with all these seemingly contradictory emotions and unsure how to handle them.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9152

Thanks again to all who helped me out there in my first confusion about the road to take.

 

[Phy]

Double standards

After the first confusion left me, I tried to imagine what the reactions would be like. An what has bugged me most till now was a special realisation about my own double standards. While I was trying to imagine what my husband would have to say about my coming to terms of loving two men, I tried to imagine his reaction based on my possible one. What would I actually do when confronted with my “one and only” saying out of the blue: "I love another person. I still love you, but there is just another one"?

I know that I would never be able to tolerate this at first. I would be possessive, furious, irrational, outraged, hurt, scared, terrified and what not. Even though right now I myself feel that it is possible, that none of them is missing parts of my love or the maximum I am able to give, I am utterly incapable of turning this around and seeing them in my shoes, as well as me in theirs. If one of them would say this to me, I would still feel threatened. And this part is just so damn illogical.

How can I ask them, with a pure conscience, to come to terms with my wishes (or just with me) if I would be unable to grant them the same in a case of vice versa? How self-serving can one be? I mean, I am asking them to change their standards concerning family and future for my sake.

I can grasp this notion logically. No problem. I see all the dangers ahead. I can tell how difficult it is for them to “grant” me the freedom I am asking for and 'to believe' in my words, just because I know how difficult it would be for me. They told me they can't comprehend how it would feel to love two. I wouldn't have been able to imagine how this feels if I hadn't experienced it myself.

Can one still be “mono” when actually being “poly”? I kind of get the feeling that my thoughts are on a different level than my feelings and that my feelings are more logical than my thoughts. But the moment I put them together they blow up and everything is just a part of the whole, with me in the middle trying to align the pieces while the instruction manual is written in a language I don't know.

How to combine knowledge and emotion? I know I love my husband. I know I love my best friend. I know I want them in my life unconditionally. I know I want them to understand that they mean this to me and that I am not searching in some weird ways what one is missing within the other or what ever strange assumptions one could make in this regard. And now comes the BUT: I know I would be jealous if I were in their shoes. I know I would try to secure what I had before. I would search for flaws. What did I do to cause this,? Why does he feel the need to develop these feelings? Where did I encourage this reaction? How could he dare to belittle me with putting another one right next to me? I am so damn possessive, and a real hypocrite at times.

This is where Sward and Lin are so much faster than I could ever be. I want to reach this point but I do not really know how.

 

[Phy]

Inner workings

Maybe this is caused by my own amazement. I still can't get the whole picture. How is it even possible that this works? How can there be such a strong feeling like love in a way that affects more then one person exclusively? It is difficult enough to experience the love and all of its aspects for one person; how the hell could it be possible to develop and handle this twice?!

The perspectives I already know add to this confusion. Lin is ahead of me. He's already got this mess kind of cleared up. He was able to trade the positive gains against the negatives, and has found his ground to stand on in this. He knows that he will be jealous, that he needs to overcome this in order to make this work. And he seems to be confident that he can actually make this happen. He is such an optimist, it sometimes frustrates me. Why can't I see things like he is able to see them? Being optimistic doesn't mean he leaves out the traps and pitfalls he can imagine, but he just focuses on the positive sides to get his mind set.

I asked him: What could be positive about this arrangement? Why would you give up your idea of what your life should be like for it? Why aren't you determined to find another? He said that it isn't just the love for me, it is the friendship he feels for Sward. They are connecting really well.

Same answer has been given from my husband. He likes Lin. They've started to talk for hours already. He thinks that some positive input has been inserted by Lin regarding our marriage. Like when Sward and I have quarreled, I've spoken to Lin (when best friend status was still there), he gave another perspective, we talked again or the problem was already solved with this.

But even in a situation where they can give me their positive pieces of mind, I am very defensive when it comes to uncertainties. I picture the worst to prepare myself for it. This is my easy way out. I am literally driving Lin insane with this trait. He thinks he has to smooth me and tell me that everything will be okay. Quite natural reaction, I think,. But I can't explain to him that he is just experiencing my way of going through the options. I feel uncomfortable and nearly bound to know what could be in all this for me to handle and to face. Never would there be a way out of thinking, as long as I could think of another possibility that has not been explored in my mind yet.

Yes, I know how arduous this is, but even on the verge of losing too much sleep, crying till I am too exhausted to continue, or getting myself down the spiral of my own negative thoughts, I can never stop. But mostly, while this happens, I am looking at my own actions and smirk in a corner of my mind. I know that I just have to get through with this to be satisfied. “Ah, me again,” if you want to phrase it. I can shrug my shoulders on the one occasion and tear my hair on the next one, but I am kind of used to it.

On the other hand, I get easily lost in positive thoughts. They inspire my greed. If I want something and set my mind on it, I want it all. No exceptions or compromises.

It is a strange thing, my head, and what is going on in there. I keep on thinking till I got the feeling I have revised and gone through all options. And then I come to a decision. And this one is fixed. I would never back down on it. I am able to discuss it, but it is really hard to get me to reconsider fundamentally.

Concerning the double standard, I think that's the reason why I can't picture myself in their position. Why I couldn't live with the thought of sharing them with another person and claim them just for myself the other way round. Because I came to this decision already. It took me three and a half years to realise my needs concerning my best friend. The final decision concerning my husband took five years. Maybe it is time to make myself reconsider. But I just don't know how.

Why all this rambling? Because I feel that I owe them to be a partner who is coherent, at least. And I am not, at this point in time. All should be treated equally, but I am just asking without granting and that can't be right.

 

[Breathesgirl]

Hello and welcome.

Keep on writing. Writing helps me to clarify things in my head so I can speak them clearly once the emotions have passed and the time to speak has come.

You say you are having a hard time telling Sward & Lin (thank you for giving them names, I can't stand initials either) with your voice. Have you considered translating what you have written here and letting them read it for themselves?

Good luck.

 

[Phy]

Hey Breathesgirl,

thanks for the welcome. Yes, at one point I got that idea already and started to do written discussion with Lin. I am utterly incapable to voice my thoughts as soon as I have to deal with emotions. I do not know where this comes from, I just can't speak my mind when I try to say how I feel.

This is especially hard on Lin, because as the circumstances are at the moment, all we can do is talk. He is still 8h away from me. But I am getting better at addressing the problems.

A whole different story are my positive feelings unfortunately... He is able to speak about everything that is on his mind. I can't even start with the little things. It is frustrating for him and in regard to those feelings, I can't even write them down. And this particular trait is a complete mystery to me. I have no idea where it comes from. As I have never had a LDR before I kind of never broached this issue because if I wanted to express myself, I just had to act it out. Impossible at the moment ... *sigh*

 

[SNeacail]

Yes, at one point I got that idea already and started to do written discussion with Lin. I am utterly incapable to voice my thoughts as soon as I have to deal with emotions. I do not know where this comes from, I just can't speak my mind when I try to say how I feel.

HeHe! I'm like this as well, when my emotions are running high I turn into a babbling idiot and I can't convey even half of what I'm feeling and just forget trying to figure out why. I finally started a private blog for myself, which my husband reads. I was always lousy at "journaling", but the blog seems to be working. Here I was able to try and pick apart my feelings and insecurities without worrying about him always trying to "fix it". Sometimes I just need to share what's going on inside my head, without someone else dissecting it making me feel inferior (even if that wasn't their intent).

 

[Phy]

Ah well, I never forget to try to figure out why I am feeling what I actually feel. I love thinking about all this stuff. Sometimes I think because I like to think ... if this makes sense And yes, I need some time to figure things out. I tend to go silent in discussions if I feel that I need to consider a certain point before I continue arguing.

And again yes, this journal thing was never something for me before. I will see how it works. Normally I got long train rides to sort out my stuff on my way to university. But this only helps me personally. Now I need to communicate what I am thinking emotional wise and this is kind of hard.

The main problem is still the 'positive talk'. What hits a nerve is not the part that is about the negative thoughts. I can speak my mind there, too much actually. Because of this Lin tries to console me. If I get negative, I can communicate well.

But if he is down and in need of supporting and emotional words I tend to be silent. I kind of have the notion that this is too private. It is hard to explain, but I am somehow protective of my emotional thoughts and deep feelings. I do not want to share them if they are 'too positive'. Maybe this is because I feel vulnerable if I open up this section of my mind. I need some of them for myself; I regard those as exclusive for myself.

It took me years to come to this point with my husband, I directly voiced "I love you" after a year. And I know that I knew Lin for nearly 6 years now, but he was mainly on the 'friend' level. At least I pressed him to be there. I am not ready to go way beyond that. But of course my "way beyond" is nowhere near the level others I talked to, or he especially, consider as 'normal'.

I just need more time for the intimate stuff, he knows it, but sometimes he just needs more. But we are able to talk about it and after some reassurance everything is fine. I am just not satisfied, that he is always able to help me ease my mind in minutes because he can talk about his feelings and give me the support I need, and I can just sit there and listen and stay silent on the important parts while I got the thoughts already formulated in my mind but am not able to say them out loud.

But well, we will see how long it takes me to be as open and honest as he can already be.

 

[Phy]

Retrospection; thoughts I got when everything started

Quality:

I know that there is some kind of qualitative difference. One relationship has been there for more then 11 years. It was given it's time to develop, to fail and rebuild, to show what it's got and what it's secret gems and abysses are. And it has become part of me in an inseparable way. I am utterly scared that this might change. I couldn't imagine that Sward would take what I was going to tell him separately from what we have had up to now. It is still likely to change. To transform into something that might never be as good as what we build up to now. One of my biggest fears.

That he will never look me in the eyes as trusting and as secure as he could. That he changes his ways with me, hurt and distant, no more casual touches, no more joyful moments in harmony and comfort with each other. My guts are clenching in fear when I imagine this to happen and I can hardly breathe. I was not sure if this may not happen in the beginning. At least this fear has been nullified. He surprised me in every possible way, which just made me love him more.

To some extent, this has happened as well with Lin. Of course, the quality was a different one in some regard, because friendship is never on the same level as romantic love. It has been forcefully shut down and was forbidden to come to life, in theory, at least. If I have learned anything from all this mess, it is to never underestimate your feelings – they will find a way to get right back at you. This 'getting back' took them some years, but they never buckled. Sometimes I am just dumbstruck how much I can astonish myself. Well, it happened and I am now wondering about another thing that just didn't came to mind before, because I forcefully avoided thinking about any issues that were related to the unseizable part of my head and heart.

But another point of view concerning quality was long left out of my field of vision. Lin has got his share, as well. He is scared of the immeasurable amount of intimacy (from his point of view) that my husband and I have, compared to the near zero experiences he has shared with me. Yes, he is the person who understands me best in most parts of my thoughts and feelings. To some extent, he does have a better insight than Sward. That there are parts of me that he doesn't know, that he is a beginner with, and that this could be a threat to him, never occurred to me before.

When I thought about his “lack” in the intimacy department (not in general, just with me), I always regarded this unknown field as one that we simply have to explore, AFTER all the mess was sorted out and we were on a road that at least could be called a road, and not a wild jungle in the dark. He was afraid of comparison right away when we started to be honest about our feelings and when the idea had settled down a bit to share me in a lifestyle that included him and Sward. (Still a strange way to put it, btw, "share me." Well, never mind.)

And thus I began to think about what really was in each relationship. What had brought this absurd situation to life? What were the feelings based on that I developed for them? And I realised how long the lists are on both sides. And how different. Of course, some points were similar, basic ones like honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, being true to ourselves and so on. But some are so astonishingly different, that I wondered if I hadn't tricked myself again.

One of my fears is to be accused of looking for what one couldn't give me in the other. As far as my own opinion is concerned, I didn't do this intentionally. But fact is, they do not resemble the other personality-wise or physically. I just can't make up my mind if this is good or bad. I know that each one gives me different things, that I turn to them for similar things in different ways and am satisfied with what each of them is able to provide me with. Everything just feels natural, but when I think about explaining it, all gets way too complicated.

It is what it is... It will never get simpler or more complicated than this. I just can't phrase it better.

 

[Phy]

Visit

The context of these thoughts is the weekend. Sward decided that it was time for me to take my relationship with Lin to the actual level we wish it to reach. He can't come to any further conclusions in the situation as it stands now, with Lin and me miles apart, just talking and longing for each other, but nothing actually developing. Sward says that he needs to experience the next step to know how to handle it.

It is unnecessary to mention that I am nervous as hell. Like the first time I am going to stay with Lin for 4 days, from Friday till Tuesday. We agreed to Skype at least once a day with Sward, who has set a date with an old friend of his to talk about the situation on Sunday afternoon. She isn't in the picture yet, but he felt that he needs to talk about it once with a third person. A good friend of mine and his has consented to be available, as well, if he needs emotional support during this time. She was the first I turned to when I needed an uninvolved point of view.

All I can feel, as Friday moves closer, is confusion, excitement and plenty of fear. How will Sward react? Will he be able to handle this situation? What if not? We agreed to keep it to a four-day visit for the first time. But this is rather long, from his point of view. I would really wish for the possibility of a shorter visit, on the one hand, if I think about Sward.

On the other hand, I know it will be over in the blink of an eye. Yes, it was the possible maximum for the first time, because who knows what we would have ended with if we would have been together just a day longer than that? But this time there are no boundaries, nothing to hold us back. And if I look at it from that perspective, it's too short. *sigh* But I shouldn't be greedy.

Well, whatever it will be, I really can't wait for the weekend with Lin... and for Tuesday with Sward, to reassure me that everything went well. *fingers crossed*

 

[ray]

Phy,

I really like your writing. You have beautiful style. Good luck this weekend. It sounds like the three of you are making good progress. I think most people struggle with the transition. It sounds like Lin and Sward are doing reasonably well. Are Lin and Sward interested in dating others?

 

[Phy]

Everyday transition

Hey Ray,

Thank you. You made me smirk with satisfaction. I wriggled on my chair because of the pleasure due to your compliment. Maybe these are the German influences which are still marked by my professors. I tend to be too wordy and to use overly complicated sentence structures. One can go all out in regard to these aspects in German, and I really love to write that way. But I try to adopt the other style. I don't need to here, because no one will skim my posts to actually correct them.

The transition you mentioned is a strange thing in our case. It kind of happened already with none of us noticing in the past. The biggest surprise for me was when Sward told me what he thought of the actual situation beforehand: that Lin and I already had established an relationship on the emotional level. He was somehow afraid of the sleeping dogs, and wished to let them lie, to be on the safer side. So he never spoke about it, and Lin being part of our daily life became normal. Like a piece of furniture being always there. Well, it kind of did not work out in his favor, but he had stomached this aspect long ago. Sward was aware that there was a deep connection, more than I ever thought he was.

That is the main reason why we discussed living together, way before Lin and I realized our feelings. Sward wouldn't be able to live with just anyone. He liked Lin before we dropped this bomb in his lab. It didn't take him more than an hour to effectively use the word 'family' when thinking about the consequences of my wishes and desires and the conclusion he had to find concerning Lin. On the third day after my confession, he talked with Lin for hours to get all this everyday stuff sorted out. Like best drinking buddies discussing the next jaunt. Except the fact that they were talking about me and Lin getting intimate along those lines... way too fast for my processing in this respect! *mumbles* I was sitting in the back, red-eared, speechless and grinning from ear to ear. Such a complicated and wonderful situation to experience when you expected hell to break loose after crushing the life of your spouse. Life is definitely funny.

If they are interested in dating others, well, after my first two posts concerning my double standards. I luckily am able to say: No, they are not. Both are, at this point in time, sure that I am more than enough to handle, and sure that they are mono and for the time being want to stay like this. Sward is a bit more open minded than Lin regarding the whole idea of poly-whichever-of-the-forms it may be. But he thinks that it would be too much stress to actually explore this and he has never felt the urge to do so. As things are now, I think that he could one day get the notion of poly, but I don't think that he will explore it. But, never say never, as I have just learned first hand. I would be in a real pinch if one of them would do this, and bring another one into our life. I can't imaging handling this situation at this point in time.

A small incident that occurred this evening: I was really messed up because of all the strain. I chatted with Lin this morning/noon. The discussion got stuck because of the obvious tension in the air and I (as always... *sigh*) went silent and got lost in my thoughts. Positive ones, really positive ones. Lin noticed (as always, as well, he seems to have some little antennae that are adjusted to my emotional frequency ) and he left me alone for the rest of the day to calm down a bit.

Originally I wanted to talk to Sward, to check if he was really doing well with the weekend around the corner. But when he came home from work I was so stressed that I started crying and hugged him silently. Nothing dramatic. Tears are my way of dealing with too much stress... positive and negative. The upshot was that I was pampered. While I wanted to relieve his stress, it wasn't there. Yes, of course he isn't sure how well he will take the whole situation, but he is confident that everything will be okay. That's more than I can say about myself.

 

[Phy]

Catching up

The whole journey started some weks ago and I thought about adding or leaving my thoughts from back then. I think they are important enough to complete the picture and therefore I am adding the entries I did when coping with them. Four weeks ago I was just about to visit Lin for the first time after 3 1/2 years and some serious problems seemed to be right at hand.

 

[Phy]

(5 weeks ago) Actually, I was wondering if my feelings could be part of my imagination.

This happened in the first year after my realisation of my own feelings and again, after Lin had confessed to me some weeks ago. I asked myself: Are we just playing with our thoughts of the other without knowing what reality is like? Have we been in love with a spectre of our own wishes and hopes? I thought that for myself, for sure, and I deemed him to be too alone and distant from others to really have had a “choice” to feel otherwise.

He was very ill during that time. Life-threateningly ill. There have been points when I and even he (a positive and optimistic person by heart) thought that he was done for. But he recovered. And I had been there for him. "How couldn't he think of me as someone special?" I thought by myself, "Even though our relationship was non-physical, even though all I could ever lend him was an ear willing to listen and some meagre source of supportive words?" (I am really horrible at encouraging someone when I myself see only negativities around him.)

He called me his backup and his column, the only foothold he had. And I was overwhelmed, unable to handle the responsibility I felt for being seen like this. I needed months to come to terms with his disease and the burden his trust was for me in the beginning. I wanted to be all he saw in me, but I simply was not there. I live about 8 hours away (by train), and I just couldn't be there when he needed me most. It was really hard. especially when he was really beaten up by all the therapy and medications and pain.

I really do look forward to the time when I can be around him all day and care for him the way I am able to, by showing him affection and friendship, not through words, but me, myself. As I said, I am horrible with words, and this would be so much easier and more effective. Do not misunderstand. His condition is stable now. He can be called a person with a heart disease that will be able to live a normal life in some months, hopefully. I will not have to look after him, or anything like that.

But he is ill, nevertheless, meaning his body is strained. I mean, we just met once. For some days. More than three years ago. Yes, there has been a physical reaction. Yes, if not in a relationship at that moment, I would have started one with him. But that was three and a half yeard ago. What if all this changed and I am now hunting a phantom? I am really insecure because of this.

My uncle is going to die from cancer, sooner or later during this year, or the beginning of the next, and he gave me quite a shock when he visited for the birthday of my sister.

I do not have good visual imaginatory skills. I work differently. What I get when remembering a person is more about feelings, smells, touch and so on. I can hardly ever remember people I have met or talked to, because I tend to forget their faces. What I remember is the way they made me feel. This is what happened as well, with the outer appearance of my best friend. I know that I was quite shocked how thin and ill he looked when we first met. I needed to come to terms with his disease some time ago and I've kind of managed to do so. There are still moments where I tend to go through all the pain again, but they are less frequent now.

After meeting my uncle, some new fears arose. I know that someone who is going to die soon and has given up on his life looks awful. I know that it has been the cancer and the strain on his body that made him look like the walking dead. But he is about the same height and as heavy as my friend is now. And I recognised that my recollection of my friend has been blurred over the years. Yes, maybe there wasn't a problem after the first shock after we met, but I didn't look for a potential partner at that time. I turned my head the other way to not even think about it. And now I don't know how this will work out.

Whoever it would have been, of course it would have been difficult for me to be intimate with someone other then my husband. But they are complete opposites. My husband is taller than me, bulky, does physical work all day, and has gained a bit of a beer belly over the years. My best friend is skinny, weak, smaller than me, with no muscles worth mentioning and no body fat. This looks like a challenge to me.

I have been honest with him, that I would have never looked his way if we had met by chance on the street. Maybe with care and concern, but never because he fits my preferences. And this is why I have been questioning myself all the years if I was not hunting a phantom. Did I fall in love with my own imaginary skills? We talk and talk and talk. I am sure my mind is in love with his. His words, his characteristics, his take on things, his honesty, his optimism, and all the other things, that could have been conveyed by leading the relationship we had over the years. But will my body be in love as well?

I am utterly scared to find the opposite to be true. That I am unable to overlook or like his physical features. I do not want this to happen, but I think I will not have a say in it when my body decides to not react. One week to go till I will know. I am wishing for this week to pass as soon as possible, and at the same time, I would like that day to never come true.

 

[Phy]

Changes

(4 1/2 weeks before)
The biggest and most common fear is the one I have because of the unknown, something that might become twisted or unfamiliar, that what will have a strangers face because I have never seen it before; something that could change. And there is so much right in front of me. Still some days to go till the first step into this whole new mess. And it is absolutely irrelevant if things turn out “good” or “bad”, they are bound to change and I will have to handle it.

The “what-if's” are killing me right now. I know what I would like to achieve. And I 'know' what I most likely will get. The odds are just so bad, I am scared to hope for the best. I personally would still be unable to participate in this setting if the roles were switched. And therefore I can't imagine them to cope with it. I know that this is one-sided and just my take on it; Lin is already beyond this stage – how he was able to achieve it? – I still am pondering over it.

And every time I am trying to imagine the reaction of Sward I am just going round in circles of my own fears and inabilities because I do not know how he would be able to cope with it or in which light he would conceive it. I am somehow ashamed of my ignorance of his inner workings. I do not know him as well as I would have claimed to some weeks ago. But I didn't knew myself in this regard. If it had not happened to me, I would still assume the wrong reactions. The last time this happened was when I realised that I was able to forgive more than I ever thought I could. Maybe this situation is just so extreme and so far from all what is known till now that it just will show what there may be in it for us.

I do not know which the biggest change will be. But I fear some quite extreme ones. The most dangerous one would be an impact on the health of my best friend. If this goes wrong he will be severely damaged. I do not know if he will survive this blast. It kind of saved his live already because we discovered, or better confessed our feelings in a kind of life-or-death-situation and it took a turn for the better but if this dream of his fails … he will be crushed. Of course I will be as well, but I am healthy. I will not die from a broken heart – he literally will. The whole stress of the last weeks has already taken its toll on him. He is in much more pain than the last months.

 

[Phy]

And then the cat was out of the bag

(4 weeks ago) A lot happened. The weekend we assigned to meet for the first time is over and I have successfully come home to tell my husband that there is another man I love, as well. What a week! This is what happened:

I visited my best friend for his birthday. We set this date to make sure of our compatibility physical-wise. I left home with a feeling of leaving my old life behind, of loss and something precious disappearing. It was horrible. In addition to this gut-wrenching feeling, I was nervous as hell because I was afraid of the first moment my friend and I would meet. Biggest fear: visual incongruousness. But, as most of things in life work like this, everything happened differently.

When I first caught a glimpse of him at the train station I was literally shocked. I broke out in quite a sweat and my heart was racing. How the hell could he have changed this much over the three years we haven't seen each other? The moment our eyes met I knew that I had quite a different problem now, nothing comparable to the one I imagined. He felt the same. Nervous as I was, I just hugged him silently and stayed like this for some seconds. He broke the silence by jokingly asking: Hey, have you grown even taller? I replied with a relieved laugh that he was just shrinking. I couldn't look him in the eyes again for the next minutes and was really glad that his mother had come to pick us up. The conversation in the car went well, the most tense small talk I ever did, but okay, somehow.

We arrived at his house and went up to his room. A real small one. I felt caged the moment the door closed. How to stay in this tiny space for 4 days without us making some severe faults? Everything that was there to sit on was a bed and a chair behind the desk. I chose the bed, he the chair. Face-to-face conversation with a real person in front of me was more difficult than I had anticipated. We didn't have cameras up to that point. Therefore we'd never really seen each other during our conversations. I had to look away after two seconds every time our eyes met. Everything was just too much. And that was what I told him when he asked what my opinion of him was now.

We managed to keep the talk going. Thankfully, Sward had an idea for a present for him. He designed a cup with a picture of himself pointing forward to the spectator and the text: You are the boss, not the red one. Meaning I was the red one because of the hair colour. It was quite a nice gesture of his, and I was really feeling guilty of him giving so much thought to a present for the other man I was in love with, without knowing what was going on. But nevertheless, Sward was really pleased with his own idea, and he liked my friend, as well. So I figured it would be okay somehow.

Well, we moved on to the evening program, meaning coffee and films. The atmosphere eased up and we found our daily routine again, which we developed over years through talking to each other day by day. Finally he suggested snuggling up a bit. And jeez … we had such strong chemistry between us. It was astonishing and alarming. Just from him fondling my back a bit, I got really confused and self aware around him. We had to stop and take a break. I don't remember how exactly how the first film ended. Even in this complicated situation, he was positive and mentioned that all his worries had vanished into thin air because of my so self-explanatory reactions to his actions.

I will skip the other details from the following days, to sum it up, we went way beyond this and got burned a little while playing with the fire. We didn't kiss and we didn't have sex, but somehow... kind of complicated to explain. Kind of like teenagers having their first experiences. We just couldn't keep our hands off of each other and luckily mainly managed to keep our clothes on.

In the preparatory stage, we had agreed on some basic taboos which should not be broken in the process to be still able to get an ethical start into this whole mess. Well, we partly managed to do so. We didn't touch intimately, we didn't kiss, we didn't take off our trousers. So much for the successes. But I took off my shirt.

The moment it happened I was just too absentminded to realise right away that I would have to lie to Sward about the failures of my visit. I realised this a while later when my head started working again. It was a real disaster for me. I had never lied to my husband before. I kind of managed to keep it in between a lie and not telling the whole truth. At least I could tell him that there hasn't been a kiss or real sex. He got the notion that we behaved like teens who had their first encounter with each other. Well, mainly this is what happened. I left out the small rest concerning my shirt because he just did a checklist kind of asking thing and all he wanted to know were the points already mentioned. He didn't ask for further details and I didn't provide them voluntarily.

But well, I kind of jumped to the end of the evening when I returned home and finally told Sward about the situation and my emotions. And he took it so well. I was speechless how composed he was and how he calmly skimmed the situation and the different meanings that could be there. He directly asked what exactly I wanted from Lin, some kind of friends with benefits arrangement or something more meaningful, if I wanted to leave him (after I told him about the love element of Lin's and my relationship), what I wanted him to do with this new information and so on. I guess everyone in the same situation has experienced this.

Two weeks later I told him about the slip-up concerning the shirt. He said he wouldn't mind that much and understood why I was too scared to tell him in the actual conversation that evening.

 

[Phy]

Waiting for the things to unfold themselves ...

Such a strange situation. All three of us are wide awake in the middle of the night, surfing the net and waiting for the early morning hours to come, when I will be able to take the first train and be on my way to Lin. Of course I somehow expected the situation to be like this but it is much more positive than I thought it could be.

Sward is doing fine, Lin and I are more nervous, but still feel pleasant anticipation. I am drinking hot chocolate, trying to get sleepy somehow ... doesn't work up to now unfortunately .

After I noticed that Sward wasn't having the hard time I expected him to have, I calmed down quite a bit. Seems as if things could work out nicely after all. We will see what tomorrow will have in store for us.

 

[Phy]

The Real Beginning – Looks like we pulled it off

The visit is over. Such a bittersweet aftertaste and yet, I feel so relieved and astonished and blessed and smitten and ... [please insert any thinkable word of confusion and happiness here]. No self destruction, no blame, uneasiness, fear or resentment. It went beautifully, if the word is even able to describe what I want to say.

I was really worried that Sward had just overestimated his possibilities and wouldn't be able to gauge what the situation has in stall for him. Or that I wouldn't be able to relax around Lin the way I would like to. Or that there would arose a problem with Lin I didn't think about beforehand. But again, my two men are just astonishing and great and whatnot. *sighs*

Sward had a present planned for Lin and me, that he sent to Lin with a big note on the top „Do not open until Phy is there.“ When I arrived in the afternoon we unpacked his present and I felt just like I did when both of them had talked about our possible future three days after Sward was informed about our situation. My head went red and I couldn't suppress a happy smile. He sent us some kind of a survival kit, containing candles, Champagne, two glasses and a Moulin Rouge DVD, with his best wishes for the weekend.

After this really great start, we Skyped and laughed about the reactions of Lin's mother and family together. They are not in the picture yet, but after this weekend, my second visit in such a short time and Lin and my constant absence due to our permanent absence in Lin's room, the topic will be an urgent one, today or tomorrow. His mother was curious when the packet arrived a day earlier and was worried that Sward may be mad at Lin and me when she finally got to know what was inside. Lin told her it was just a joke. He didn't want the issue to be discussed when I was still there. I respected his wish, even though I would have loved to be by his side when he told his family about us. But well, we will see how they react.

I nevertheless stayed quite tense till Sunday. As I mentioned, I am a slow person when it comes to relationships, emotions and the like. This whole planned 'Yay, let's have sex this weekend and see how we all react to this' business was getting on my nerves. But I got used to the situation at last. I started relaxing around Lin more and more. As it was the first weekend, it became kind of natural being with him, despite the tense situation. Hm, well, tense due to my worrying mostly, but, well... inner workings and the like.

I will skip the details. Everything that is worth saying about the days I spent there is that it was wonderful. Lin and I cleared the physical hurdle. Sward and I stayed connected through the whole process. Sward, Lin and I spent time talking to each other every day. On top of this, Lin prepared a set of music and movies/series for Sward that he liked and which I took with me for him. One time Sward asked which day he should note in the calendar for Lin and me to celebrate our relationship. No decision on this issue up to now, but harmony all over the place.

Sward didn't need the help of our friend and just went to talk to his old friend on Sunday. He was missing me, but that was more due to the fact that I simply was not there, than him worrying about what Lin and I might be doing in the meantime. We are hardly ever separated more than some days and not very often on top of it. Therefore this was the normal 'I am alone and would like to hug you' thing. With a grain of salt obviously, but not more than a a grain. I was really pleased with the situation and the developments. For the sake of reconnecting, talking and catching-up on the meager intimacy over the last days, he took a holiday on Wednesday (today) and cooked dinner on Tuesday, cleaned the house and took care of the presents we needed to give my father and his mother whose birthdays were on Tuesday, as well.

*sigh* Can one be this happy? I am still kind of afraid of some hidden dark shadow, lurking around to raise its ugly head, but it seems everything went just fine. And therefore I will take things as they are, start accepting the smile that doesn't seem to leave my face, and see what the coming weeks will have up their sleeve for me/us.

 

[Phy]

Dreams of the future

I won't start with my dreams, I have plenty of them and one is more reassuring and colorful than the other. No, after this weekend I was surprised to hear about Sward's dreams of a possible future for Lin, me and himself.

While I was still at Lin's place, he asked for a date for the third meeting. We agreed that it would be best for Lin to visit us at home for a longer period of time than just 4 days. He is able to do so, because he just got his fortnightly check and infusion in the hospital and no other liabilities. Lin and I need to work through the last bits of our project that becomes due at the end of August. We haven't been able to do so because of all the stress and worries, or to put it more simply, all the other relationship-related things that were on our minds. Fortunately, we were beyond the difficult parts before this mess started in April.

So, as it looks now, Lin will visit us, we will see how living all three together feels, on a physical basis. We kind of already live together theoretically, because Lin is always present as soon as the PC is switched on. As Sward sees it, he wants to keep the sleeping arrangements as 'fair' as possible, meaning he and Lin will sleep on the couch or in the bed with me in turns. I have absolutely no idea how I will feel in this kind of situation, but I think I will be nervous as always and it will be a bit awkward in the beginning. We do not have much space; this visit will be an endurance test for all of us. If we are able to stick this out I do not have much worries left for the future.

Swards wants to establish a 'physical' relationship with Lin. No, they are both straight, but he tends to hug and cuddle the people he really likes. Some kind of bear-hug thing, mostly. Talking about bear hugs, did I mention that they got monikers for each other? Sward's is Daddy Bear and Lin's is Snuffles/Snookums – hard to translate actually. They go like:

“Hey Snuffles."
"Yes, Daddy Bear, what's up?"
"Oh dear, you look like a Monchichi today. What did you do to your hair?!”

while Lin and I were video-chatting. They are the only ones allowed to use them for each other. Every time I try, I get, “This is for us exclusively!” So sweet. And to ensure that Sward and Lin are able to maintain this level of comfort with each other, those two need to meet in person again. This will be first time they'll have met since we saw each other for New Year's Eve in 2008.

Sward seems to be pumped with energy after the weekend. He told me that he thought about what he would like to do in the next years: that he would like to explore a new field of work (mainly get his truck driver's license), and that he always wanted to learn an instrument and play with me. (I played piano, saxophone and guitar for years while I was still in my teens, but had to stop because of money issues.) And he's been thinking about the house and garden we three are going to build together. Such explicit ideas about what should be like this, and this should look like that, and so on. And how great it will be if we are going to have big family get-togethers at our place. Lin and Sward have started to plan a house for the three of us already and showed me what they had been able to prepare and construct with the construction tool from The Sims. Sweet idea.

I just love him so much; I would love to have this dreams come true. He seems to have adjusted his “together forever, travel the world, build a house, have children, grow old together” - just-you-and-me dream to a three-way-concept within weeks. Without me saying “Dear, I would like to have this and that … Please look into it if it is possible.” It never occurred to me that he was already THIS ok with Lin in my, or better, in our life.