Pieces of my life and thoughts

[lafeelicite]

I love so much reading your blogs, it brings many insights and thoughts I want to dig in... I decided to start one.

First of all, english is not my native language, I am french, please forgive me if I am hard to understand and don't hesitate to ask clarification.
Feedbacks, comments, greetings... are welcome on this thread and will be very much appreciated

I will start with a bit of back story (or long one )

I was mostly a serial monogamish. I was in a exclusive relationship from 18 to 21. Then 3 years together with someone who introduced me to sort of swinging. We had MMF 3somes, I had sex with other men and was always openly talking about it. I don't know what my partner did do at this time, I stated that I was not ok for him to have sex with other women, he didn't seem to have a hard drive on that but I don't know if he juste cheated without saying anything. I didn't feel secure in this relationship, I had no self awareness and would just be emotional without having tools or skills to look at my emotions. We didn't talk much, it didn't end very well but I was not happy and I finally realised that I could act on that.
I was very much dependant on this guy. After that, I decided that I want to be single and spend time with myself, discover who I am and what I want... but I guess I wasn't ready for that and I started very quickly a relationship with WineGuy.
We moved in together quickly, I ignored all redflags and we developped a very "conflict avoidant" relationship. That's about the same time I finally started therapy, discovered key elements about me (High QI, hypersensitivity) and worked on knowing myself better.
I had told WineGuy about my swinging experience but it was past and now I wanted to be a good girlfriend, the one you want to marry and have kids with. I can sumerize my way of feeling as: "be sure to be picked up" and don't mess it up. We married, we had a child. We were not happy, he had drinking issues, we were not a team... It ended up very badly last summer (after 7 years of relationship), when I discovered that he was cheating and he was at the same time making me feeling like shit about myself.
Decision was easy to make, I didn't think twice: I wanted to get a divorce and it should be done in a view months. Luckily we had a pre-nup contract and we aggreed easlily on the custody of our child. He spends one week at my place, one week at his fathers and he is doing great

It was a tough summer but also felt like reborn. I discovered Tinder, casual sex... After being so much into my mothering role, it felt great!

And I re-met SexyGerm (my actual boyfriend) on Tinder begining of August last year. We used to be colleagues and pretty good friends with very open talks but we didn't see each other for the past view years (since I became a mother and had very view social time on my own). We reconnected easely and I proposed to be FWB to him. I wanted very much to keep this new freedom but also felt right to spend time with him as we had such a great connection.
After 3 months, great time together, awesome talks and no desire / time to date anyone also, we became boyfriend and girlfriend

I've read about polyamory since last summer as well, I really appreciated the ethic of it and it talked to some parts of me. Didn't feel like I was polyamorous (I still have hard time thinking about it in term of "being wired like that") but I liked the theory.

I was pushed into "practical field" when I felt a huge crush on someone I just met.
I came clear to SexyGerm and I told him I wanted to be with him but also with the other. I was not aware of NRE, I was used to rush into relationships with not much experience of taking the time to date... and that came out quite out of nowhere (we had talked about being open to casual sex with other partners before that but not in details at all).
He took it in a incredibly mature way and long story short, I chose to not pursue anything with my crush except friendship and work first on my relationship with SexyGerm.
I now know myself a bit more and also looking back at my history, I think I can identify myself as polyamorous. Also, after being 15 years in 4 serial monogamish (for the majority) relationship, not having being single for more than 6 months, I want to explore and have a desire of freedom.

I have some issues that I am aware of and working on. Tendancy to co-dependance, low self-esteem, difficulties to express bondaries and self protection behavior and insecurity. I am able to be vulnerable with SexyGerm and I trust him very much. I think he feels the same, even if it is a bit more difficult for him to open himself.
We have good communication skills, we are both in individual therapy and have a good self-awareness. We have schema that are quite strong: "fear to hurt the loved one" is a major one here.
We also both have to practice "staight forward communication" and stop trying "mind reading".

Also, we will have to face a major change in our relationship soon. He is currently leaving 15' driving away from me but he will move to a different country next month, for a new job. There is no way I can ever move there, because I want to stay close to my kid's father.
He is willing to give it a try but he is not convinced and for now he doesn't intend to stay there more than a year. We would see on week-ends, maybe long ones if get to work remotly two days a week.

On the polyamory side, I want to make my thoughts clearer and have a talk with him about that.
For now, I think I would like to have an agreement on having FWB, no particular person in mind. I feel like I want to face jealousness in "real life" situation. With WineGuy, I was very much hurted by the lies and that he just stopped caring about me and my feelings, not the actual cheating.

Oh, and I am currently supposed to write my master degree thesis, in psychology, so I procrastinate a lot, read a lot on this forum and think a lot about sex

 

[lafeelicite]

Had a great evening with SexyGem yesterday

We went out for pizzas, Italian red wine...

He was stressed and it is always a bit difficult for me to deal with this situations when I see him like that. I am very sensitive to non-verbal communication and I tend to assume quite quickly that I am ennoying, boring, too demending

And in fact, I wanted to have sex earlier and the weather was too hot for him so he wasn't responding like I wish he would.
That is something also with sex, I also fear that I ask too much / my libido is too high.

So, it was challenging at the begining because I asked him questions about his sources of stress and tried to help him process that a bit but I was also fighting with high level of sensitivity on my side (I cry very easily).

We had a talk about "family time" we have spent the last w-end. We were together with Blondboy (my son) and we visited my brother and his girlfriend who just had a baby. It was great time but also challenging for SexyGerm as he can't speak so good french and my brother's girlfriend doesn't speak english. Also, blondboy is great and funny and sweet and also talking all the time, asking why and requesting attention.

So SexyGerm was trying to phrase his emotions and thoughts but i was filling the gaps in my head as he would take a lot of time to speak. I suddenly became afraid that he was trying to tell me that he is loosing romantic interest in me and started crying, even if I asked and he said no.
Oh, that was tough. I always feel bad for the person I am with when I cry like that, specially as we were in a public place.

We dealt with that, I didn't break down, he didn't show impatience and phrased in a very respectful way that it was challenging for him but it was what it was.

We didn't sort everything out (make me think that we should talk again about that) but i think what he said is that he experience different emotions when we have time with Blondboy (sweetness, kindness) and that it take away energy for emotions related to our relationship (sex, for exemple).
That makes a lot of sens for me and that was a challenge we didn't pass with my ex-husband (probably also where my emotions came from, it reminded me of that, my husband lost romantic interest in me and didn't manage that in a ethical way).
I actually feel the same, my energy is devoted to my kid and I feel thrilled when I see them play together, I hear them laugh... so it is actually great that he is experiencing it and that he can phrase how different it is.

I can't remember what we talked about after the second glass of wine but I was feeling much better

Wen't home, smoked a bit of pot (makes me super horny and sex is mind-blowing when I smoke) and had super good sex then falled asleep.

What I also want to remember is that I was thinking yesterday that I feel like reading on polyamory opens doors to work on my dependant tendency. I am not so worried about the change with SexyGerm going to Sweden for work because I know that I won't have to stay in the relationship if it is too much pain.
It probably sound easy for most of you but for me it is a big step in finding out my autonomy

 

[lafeelicite]

So... I need to clarify things for myself and talk with SexyGerm.

I know this is a blog and not an advice board but as I was reading so much of your blogs, I feel a bit like you are wise friends used to this soul searching work so please, if you read me and feel like reflecting something or question or whatever could help: Please post

I am under stress. I have my master thesis to write, I am closing 6 years of studying begining of September and I have no idea of what come next, professionaly speaking.
I have enough money to take a couple of months to figure this out, spend time with my kid who starts school also in September... But yeah, that's not super confortable.
One important thing for me is to know what to expect. I like rules, i like planing. I don't think I am rigid and past events have proven me that I can adapt to a major change of plan (like "yeah, let's divorce after 3 years of marriage when I saw it as a life long commitment").

SexyGerm is a dreamer. He spend a lot of time writing, reading, thinking... no planning

One exemple of our difference: We talk about holiday's. As he is going to work in another country as for September, I propose that we go there together so he can look for an appartement, get to know the place... He says it's a good idea. I tell him when I will be available, he says he will deal with the tickets buying process. That was, at least, 2 weeks ago. He looked for the tickets yesterday (to fly begining of next week) and it was either super expensive to fly directly or 5 hours with 2 flights.
I said I was not ready to take 2 flights and such a long travel time, he is going alone (because now he needs to, as he has to look for an appartement).
I am upset. I am frustrated. Now we don't get to spend this time together. And I start worrying about the organisation when he will work there. I said that I need clear schedule and to know when he will be here. We all know that plane tickets become more expensive when bought last minute. He said he will book tickets in advance but we are now less than a month from his starting date and I don't think he even took a ticket to go there to start.

This is not ok for me. I don't want to start preparing myself to be disapointed that he doesn't come "because there is no flight available anymore / because it is too expensive" but I am. And I am convinced I should, because it is going to happen like that, with such a non-dealing way of doing things.

I know it is not personal, that's the way he is. And I am usually able to let go a bit on that because I know he is putting efforts on other very important things for me. But i don't think I can handle it in this context of comuting between two countries.

I feel stucked: I don't want to add stress for him with my needs. But I have to take care of my needs.
Also, what is legitimate. Is it too rigid that I want to be sure that when he say's he will be there, he will be? Should i push him so he buys the plane tickets?

A part of me would like to suggest a break so I lower my expectations toward him and he deals with all this new stuff with no pressure on my side.

We are both willing to have an open heart communication but we are struggling with patterns.
_ I become emotional (I cry very easely), specially when things are not clear / said straight forward
_ He is afraid of hurting me / Me having an emotional break down
_ I am afraid that he is not saying things straight forward no to hurt me and I am tired of pulling them out of him.
_ I am afraid i am manipulating him / he feels manipulated when I cry.
I know that I can be sad/ angry/ whatever and he doesn't have to act on that.
We obviously need to talk but also to take actions.
Any suggestion of a general guideline for conflict resolution for people that are afraid of conflict ? I think we should practice and I see it as potential fun but I am afraid he doesn't share my view

I am sorry, this is so messy!

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome to the board, lafeelicite! I applaud you expressing your feelings in English, when it's your second language.

There are a couple different things that stand out to me in your plea for help.

You have said 2 different, conflicting things: you want to enjoy being "single." You also, however, consider yourself in a gf/bf relationship. You want to enjoy a FWB on the side (should the right man come along) while still being a gf to one man.

What if, when SexyGerm moves, you start seeing someone as a casual FWB, but then you fall in love with him? Polyamorous people (and this is a board for poly people, not swingers) tend to not place restrictions on relationships such as "sex only, no falling in love with another." We learn to manage 2 (or more) loving relationships. If you consider yourself single, a "solo poly," you will have to be aware this situation might become your reality.

Secondly, the problem with your bf not being good at planning. If he is bad at ordering plane tickets before the price goes through the roof, a simple solution is for you to order the ticket(s). You pay with your card, and if you want to split the expense, your bf pays you back for his share.

Also, in therapy, you could work on the problem you have of becoming so upset when you just share your feelings, that you are driven to uncontrollable tears. Why is it SO hard to share?

If your bf can't stand your tears, he either needs to get used to it, to sit by you quietly and calmly as you regain control, or you need to leave the room so he doesn't have to see it, until you calm down.

 

[lafeelicite]

Welcome to the board, lafeelicite! I applaud you expressing your feelings in English, when it's your second language.

Thank you Magdlyn!

You have said 2 different, conflicting things: you want to enjoy being "single." You also, however, consider yourself in a gf/bf relationship. You want to enjoy a FWB on the side (should the right man come along) while still being a gf to one man.

What if, when SexyGerm moves, you start seeing someone as a casual FWB, but then you fall in love with him? Polyamorous people (and this is a board for poly people, not swingers) tend to not place restrictions on relationships such as "sex only, no falling in love with another." We learn to manage 2 (or more) loving relationships. If you consider yourself single, a "solo poly," you will have to be aware this situation might become your reality.

When I (re)-met SexyGerm about a year ago, I wanted to be single but I am commited to my relationship with SexyGerm now and I don't consider myself as single anymore.
We are now in a monogamous relationship and we still have to talk about opening, how it would look like and what would be the guidelines we want to follow.
I think it is possible that I fall in love with a FWB and I woudn't imagine restraining myself from that. But for me, love feelings don't equal boyfriend / girlfriend status and building a love relationship. I am pretty sure I can love more than one person at a time and be intimate with several. But the amount of ressources I could dedicate to a relationship and also what I want to built or not with someone, it is not dictated by love. That's why I was talking about FWB, it was more a distinction on "commitment level" than on "love feelings".
This is still theoritical, I wouldn't start looking around for FWB without an agreement first with SexyGerm.

Secondly, the problem with your bf not being good at planning. If he is bad at ordering plane tickets before the price goes through the roof, a simple solution is for you to order the ticket(s). You pay with your card, and if you want to split the expense, your bf pays you back for his share.

It makes a lot of sens. Now that I think about that, I see that I might interprete his behavior (ordering tickets or not) as a love sign to me. Like this weird association:
He buy tickets in advance / plans holiday's with me = he loves me, he makes sure he has nice time with me and he wants to show me his love
He doesn't plan = I am not important enough that he makes sure he can have this time with me

If I book it myself, I won't know if he really love me because I did it. Also, I might be controling and not respecting is own rythm to do things? Is it super weird to think this way?

Oh, I never realised that, thank you for giving me the occasion to think about it!
Also, I don't have incomes now and he pays for most of things we do together. Another touchy subject for me is money

Also, in therapy, you could work on the problem you have of becoming so upset when you just share your feelings, that you are driven to uncontrollable tears. Why is it SO hard to share?

Thank you for pointing that out. Vulnerability is hard for me, even if I am pushing myself here and that my head knows it is safe. I fear rejection / jugment / and I am afraid the other feels manipulated or that I do emotional blackmailing.
Actually, it is uncontrollable that I cry but I am used to accept that I do so it is not a major tear crisis, I can still listen, talk and ask for a break if it is needed.

If your bf can't stand your tears, he either needs to get used to it, to sit by you quietly and calmly as you regain control, or you need to leave the room so he doesn't have to see it, until you calm down.

He actually can manage it. But I think he is afraid of causing them. And that is his own part he has to deal with, I guess.

Thanks again for posting Magdlyn

 

[Magdlyn]

Ah, the ticket buying and other planning, you see as an "act of service," which is one of your main "love languages." Look up the 5 Love Languages on google, if you're not already familiar with that. If his and your love languages differ, you will have to have a talk about that.

Of course, he could pay you back in entirety for the ticket price, if he's cool with paying for most things because of your different income levels.