Planning poly aniversaries

J

justbeingme

New member
Hello everyone. I have been a lurker on here on and off for the last year or so and just reading all the advice and support has been so valuable as I navigate my own journey. Long story short I have been in a closed triad four almost 5 years...although it's looking more like a V for the last year or so and I am not sure if it will every move back in a triad direction or not...but more on that later. As this is my first post I am going to stick to a simple issue. I'm a 23 year old bi girl and have a 33 year old straight male partner and a 31 year old female partner I'm going to say she's herteroflexible. We are living together (for the past 2 years) and have 4 children between us.

Here is my quandary. With the 5 year anniversary fast approaching I'm wondering if it's a good idea for the 'unicorn' in the situation to plan something and what might be a good idea. We live jn a small town but are out to close friends and family members, but I might feel anxious about calling a local B&B and booking a room for 3. More backstory, the first couple years I did not say or do anything, just because we were kind of still in that "unicorn in the box" stage of figuring out everyone's roles and comming out. Plus we were not living together at the time. However, the past 2.5 years I have brought up that it bothers me that they get 2 aniversaries, one for when they got together and a wedding aniversary, for which they go out and I watch the kids. Yet I have not gotten one aniversary with either or both of them ever. When I bring it up the validate me and say I deserve an aniversary and make general statements about how we will have to plan something.

So in planning something my thought is that it will set an example like "hey guys I know when we got together and I got a babysitter and planned a night out, so this is what you should do next year." Is that to passive agressive? Should I bring it up again and more or less demand that a day it set and something is actually planned? Should I just let it go?
 
justbeingme said:
Hello everyone. I have been a lurker on here on and off for the last year or so and just reading all the advice and support has been so valuable as I navigate my own journey. Long story short I have been in a closed triad four almost 5 years...although it's looking more like a V for the last year or so and I am not sure if it will every move back in a triad direction or not...but more on that later. As this is my first post I am going to stick to a simple issue. I'm a 23 year old bi girl and have a 33 year old straight male partner and a 31 year old female partner I'm going to say she's herteroflexible. We are living together (for the past 2 years) and have 4 children between us.

Here is my quandary. With the 5 year anniversary fast approaching I'm wondering if it's a good idea for the 'unicorn' in the situation to plan something and what might be a good idea. We live jn a small town but are out to close friends and family members, but I might feel anxious about calling a local B&B and booking a room for 3. More backstory, the first couple years I did not say or do anything, just because we were kind of still in that "unicorn in the box" stage of figuring out everyone's roles and comming out. Plus we were not living together at the time. However, the past 2.5 years I have brought up that it bothers me that they get 2 aniversaries, one for when they got together and a wedding aniversary, for which they go out and I watch the kids. Yet I have not gotten one aniversary with either or both of them ever. When I bring it up the validate me and say I deserve an aniversary and make general statements about how we will have to plan something.

So in planning something my thought is that it will set an example like "hey guys I know when we got together and I got a babysitter and planned a night out, so this is what you should do next year." Is that to passive agressive? Should I bring it up again and more or less demand that a day it set and something is actually planned? Should I just let it go?
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Firstly, I wopuld work out whether you are a Vee or a Triad. And then, yes, I would make suggestions about what we should do for our anniversary. Their response will tell you a lot about your place in their life.

Do you have kids with the guy?
 
Why would you let it go if it's important to you?

It's not passive-aggressive to say, "Hey, I've been wanting to celebrate an anniversary for a while now, and this milestone anniversary is perfect. I have some ideas; let's plan!" It's direct, and it's what most people in a relationship would do, I think ("Hey honey, let's figure out plans for our night out!").

If they can't actually follow through on something they agree you deserve, then you deserve to know, and make decisions accordingly.
 
Totally agree with YouAreHere, especially the language written.

OP, the way you wrote it, it did sound a little aggressive and maybe primed for a fight. At least, it sounds like coming like a place of anger, maybe.

Which isn't to say that you wouldn't be angry or hurt that you haven't been celebrating the last few years. I can understand why you would be, and that this could feel like a loaded subject for you.

But bringing it up the way that YouAreHere wrote seems like a lovely was to address it and focus on it being a celebration, and fun, and wonderful.

I hope that makes sense. And I hope that you talk to them soon and all figure out a wonderful celebration together. :)
 
Loaded subjects

As LizziE pointed out it has gotten to be a topic of frustration, for me personally, because of bringing it up multiple times in the past and them not following through. Hence my thinking that if I booked a room or something and put the details in a card they would be less able to not follow through with at least showing up. However, I think YouAreHere has a valid point that I should just try being specific when I bring it up. Telling them the day or weekend and offering some possibilities and seeing where it goes. I do have communication issues when it comes to discussing my own wants and needs due to previous emotional abuse and sometimesIi really just need a good shove in the right direction. In addition, another point we'll made YouAreHere knowing rather or not they follow through on a small thing that's important to me would provide valuable in tell for shorting out larger issues.

Thanks.
 
Hi justbeingme,

I'm with YouAreHere, keep it positive but take note of how they respond. Hopefully it'll all work out, and you'll have a lovely time and make some awesome memories.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I would plan an anniversary with the person you are in a relationship with and they can continue their anniversary traditions as well
 
justbeingme said:
As LizziE pointed out it has gotten to be a topic of frustration, for me personally, because of bringing it up multiple times in the past and them not following through. Hence my thinking that if I booked a room or something and put the details in a card they would be less able to not follow through with at least showing up.
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I think it's really sad that you feel you need to play a trick on them to get them to acknowledge your place in their lives and not dismiss you. That (and the fact that you refer to being their "unicorn in the box" - even sadder!) speaks volumes, actually, about how you feel you've been treated.

About the anniversary, if I were you and this was as important to me as it seems to be for you, I'd simply say, "I'm really excited about celebrating our anniversary together! Here are my ideas. I'd like to do get a babysitter and have a night out, maybe even book a weekend stay at a B&B. What do you think about that? What are your ideas?"

If they hem and haw and seem less than enthusiastic, then I'd question how important I am to them and would start reconsidering being in this relationship altogether. Perhaps their reluctance thus far is an indicator of some cracks in the foundation that you should've been paying better attention to all along.
 
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You can't make a relationship into something it's not by arranging the pieces and organizing a party that looks like the relationship you want. How many weddings are so over the top that you just know the actual marriage will not last? Parties and celebrations should reflect the real relationship, not be an attempt to mold it. It seems you're kinda hoping that if they cooperate with the party plans, it will signal something about your relationship and that's a perspective that won't lead where (it sounds) you want things to go. Rather focus on the dynamics of your situation than the anniversaries. Anniversaries can be lovely experiences when they genuinely reflect the relationship, but can be miserable if they are outward attempts to create intimacy that is missing inside.
 
justbeingme said:
Hello everyone. I have been a lurker on here on and off for the last year or so and just reading all the advice and support has been so valuable as I navigate my own journey. Long story short I have been in a closed triad four almost 5 years...although it's looking more like a V for the last year or so
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Did I miss where the break is? Between you and her?

Other than that, it seems somewhat insensitive that they would never celebrate their anniversary with YOU.
 
MightyMax said:
It's a closed triad
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She indicated that it's more of a vee the past year or so. If she's only in a relationship with one then she can have an anniversary with 1. Even if it was a triad she can celebrate their anniversary as a triad with both and they can continue to celebrate their anniversaries separately as a couple.
 
reply to AJM

Yes between me and her. She had some medical problems (endometriosis) and pulled away physically and emotionally from both of us. She ended up getting a hysterectomy (after which I was the one to take car of her through her recovery period) about a year ago and has experienced some relif. Since then she seems to be rebuilding somewhat with him, but not with me. I would like for things with us to get back to where they were and continue to grow, but obviously won't try and force it and have left the ball in her court. I don't know if it could be other medical problems, she's having an easier time rebuilding with him because they have been together longer, or if it's her desire to pull away from me and stick with the whole V setup. Our communication has been less than steller for the past several months so I do not see a conversation about the issue going anywhere. I've been more focusing on trying to have a friendly relationship and continuing to give her the time and space she seems to need.
 
reply to Nycindie

The 'unicorn in the box' comment was referring to the first year where things like who goes out in public together and when and when and how are families introduced was being worked out. There was definitely some BS and shitty treatment leading to hurt feelings...Prabably on both sides. The other female in the relationship had a really hard time with comming out and I've always refused to lie or hide who I am. However, we are past that now and handle small issues when the come up pretty well. I do see where your comming from though that it's sad I was considering trying to 'trick' them into giving me a simple thing that I wanted. I anticipated the concerns on their side would be financial and childcare and thought handling those things would help them get fully on board for it. I think your right that I should be very direct and clear about my wanting to do it and what I would like while possibly offering to pay for it and arrange childcare....If that doesn't work I can see where that is an indication of a bigger issue.
 
FallenAngelina said:
You can't make a relationship into something it's not by arranging the pieces and organizing a party that looks like the relationship you want. How many weddings are so over the top that you just know the actual marriage will not last? Parties and celebrations should reflect the real relationship, not be an attempt to mold it. It seems you're kinda hoping that if they cooperate with the party plans, it will signal something about your relationship and that's a perspective that won't lead where (it sounds) you want things to go. Rather focus on the dynamics of your situation than the anniversaries. Anniversaries can be lovely experiences when they genuinely reflect the relationship, but can be miserable if they are outward attempts to create intimacy that is missing inside.
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Good point, but can't a date night be a good way to boost connection and communication, especially if one has not been had for more than six months? I suppose I could switch my request from nice aniversary to time alone, all three of us, with out the kids and the underlying need/desire would be the same.
 
They celebrate two anniversaries a year for the two of them--while you watch the kids.

You've never celebrated an anniversary with them?

They've never made any effort to celebrate an anniversary with you?

They hem and haw when you tell them repeatedly you'd like an anniversary celebration, too.

You feel like you have to set something up and corner them into celebrating with you.

I'm sorry, but this sums up a lot about where you stand in their lives.
 
justbeingme said:
Good point, but can't a date night be a good way to boost connection and communication, especially if one has not been had for more than six months?
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No. :(


For better or worse, one date night or one celebration is not going to change the momentum of a relationship. Regular date nights and anniversary celebrations can be one piece of ongoing relationship maintenance, but a date night in and of itself will not create and especially not sustain intimacy that is not there every day.
 
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@ justbeingme ... you haven't had a date night in over six months?
 
Just want to give the op a big hug. It sounds like your situation is painful for you at times. Poly configuration with a couple do not have a mold, but yours doesn't seem to be working for you.

I am for lack of better words an addition to a couple. And we now find ourselves in a vee similarly due to lack of compatibility romantically/sexually between the girls at least not enough for more than a sustainable friends/occasionally fwb arrangement. But i have to say you deserve better treatment.
We don't have triad/vee anniversary celebrations. But real and I have them as do he and lady. I have occasionally offered to be on kid duty for them to celebrate special days, but I would hate for that to be expected. Regular one on one dates are needed to build relationships. And milestones in your relationship should be celebrated. I hope you can find a way to advocate for your needs. Your stuff should have a special place too.
 
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