Platonic primaries?

D

Disniq

New member
Hi, everyone. I'm hoping you can help me.

A quick summary of my situation; my husband and I were highschool sweethearts, each others first everything and got pregnant very young. We've been together for over 10 years now, with 3 children. My husband told me he was bisexual years ago, and I have since periodically mentioned poly as a way for him to explore his sexuality. 3 months ago he got a boyfriend, with my full support.

He fell pretty hard into the NRE, but avoided talking to me when I tried to bring it up. I finally got him to talk to me, and he explained that he was gay all along, and repressing it. (This isn't really a surprise, I've had my suspicions before.)

Now, we have an awful lot to work through, I know that. But I also know we love one another, and we love our kids, and we've built a life we are both mostly happy with together.

So, I was wondering if there's any precedent for a platonic primary relationship? In that we would still live together, and our relationship would be mostly the same - love and support and a touchstone away from out secondary relationships, only minus any sexual element.
 
I can't speak to experience with that, but I don't see why you couldn't make this work. Your relationship seems strong. You communicate honestly. You already support your husband and his new partner. He will need to be able to give the same support to you. (Can he do that?). Given that you love each other and get along well, you should be able to maintain a home together for your children.
 
I can't speak to this really. However I can tell you if the situation were in my household, this is pretty much how it'd go down. If I came out as gay to my wife, I imagine we'd stay married. If I loved her, and she loved me, and we had a healthy relationship save sex, we'd stay together. Especially if she was happy to have me and support me exploring my end, and I did the same for her. It's just a different flavor of relationship.

There may be difficulty, perhaps a lot of it. Especially as my wife and I actually utilize sex to help foster a healthy communication level. But if you could keep that without it. Go for it, do what makes you the happiest!
 
Actually yes. I know a couple who are actually male/female and straight and are platonic primaries and married. So there is definitely a precedent, even when both parties are straight because they are happier that way. Make your relationship style work for your happiness. ;)
 
It's absolutely possible. A relationship is what its participants make of it. It doesn't have to be the usual "package deal" with sex, romance, family life, etc. altogether. There's no reason why you can't just take part of the package, the part that makes sense to the two of you.

I've heard several stories about platonic primary relationships. For example, I've read that a woman intentionally looked for a co-parent (not a romantic partner), had a nonromantic nonsexual primary relationship with him, and both of them were free to date others. She said it actually worked better this way, because love based on friendship is more stable for building a family. No matter how their dating lives went, they could always come home and find support from each other.
 
I've heard of plenty od people remaining married without any romantic or sexual relationship.BaBasically goid friends/coparent/housemate situation.
 
I only know one partnership similar to that. If this is how you guys want to be together -- up to you guys. Not anyone else.

Galagirl
 
Thank you guys for your replies! They were especially reassuring for my husband, who was caught up in worrying about the impending 'i told you so's from his ""friends"" who warned him poly would only end badly for our marriage.

We're definitely going to give it a go, and see how this works out for us.
 
I know a couple that's the other way around, where the woman is gay and the guy straight. They asked the same questions as they were worried about it, but just like in your case, what really matters isn't whether it is "normal" or even common, but whether it can work for you, and how.
 
If you both want to make it work I have no doubt that you can. Plenty of straight couples are in sexless marriages... and you have a leg up on that because you don't have the resentment that your partner isn't having sex with you, or feel obligated to have sex with them even if you don't want to, which can be a major issue for sexless monogamous couples.


Just keep communicating SO MUCH. And discuss future possibilities so that you can both be sure you're on the same page and there won't be surprises. Like, are lovers allowed to stay over? Can they meet your kids, be involved in their lives? Are you going to share a bed or have separate rooms? Is there a possibility for lovers to move in and join your household? All those sorts of things.
 
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