Please don't judge me

Derbylicious said:
This topic is: how do I get over my insecurities?
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Well, I am just a single guy right now, and I can afford to think about me, me, me.

I don't worry about what Gold Leader or anybody else thinks. I simply have to be secure in the thought that love can be for myself, and given to nobody else, or I can show it to others. I have trouble loving just one person, so I am poly.
 
I'm thinking that going into a poly relationship when all parties are starting out that way is much easier than adjusting to the change 5, 10 or more years into a previously monogamous relationship.
 
Derbylicious said:
I'm thinking that going into a poly relationship when all parties are starting out that way is much easier than adjusting to the change 5, 10 or more years into a previously monogamous relationship.
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I am trying not to dominate the forum or the thread, but participation is a bit lacking. Hopefully membership will rise, and activity will increase over time, and I won't have to be the only one here. I just can't let you go without a near-term response.

You hit the nail on the head with those words. It is much easier to start without "baggage." I am not judging your "carry-ons," as much as recognizing that your burden includes every member of your family. The happiness (or at least contentment) of several people depends on how you and your husband are able to cope with the recognition of a desire that is greater than the "normal" or "standard" bonds of marriage can handle.

So far, you are handling it in the most decent way possible. You have laid the truth on the table, and didn't violate the important trust of your relationship. That is commendable, IMO. Very few people can live up to that standard, yet you have done so. I try to explain to mono people about the standard of honesty in poly relationships, and they just don't get it. More often, the monos end up cheating without disclosure. Most monos call it "cheating" to be polyamorous. I don't believe they treat us fairly, and I do believe that poly relationships make trust a primary, more useful criteria.
 
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Welcome, Derby. :)

My advice would be talk to him, ask him to share any details about any possible new ladies, take it slowly til you find your level of okay-ness, and to continue to keep you in the loop. Maybe you might even talk to the new lady, if possible. Take baby steps til you both find your comfort zone of sharing.

Lots of luck to you both.
 
Derbylicious said:
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I pursued him quite actively. He would frequently talk to me during that time about how he wanted a girlfriend and that no one would ever want him, etc. Even though it's irrational, I've always had a little nagging feeling that he just settled for me (even though we have been happily married for 10 years).

Fast forward to about 2 years ago. We started talking about opening up our relationship. I have a girlfriend who I see occasionally. She also has a husband and we all get along well. I'm having trouble with the idea of my husband forming a relationship with another woman. Because I'm insecure I'm worried that he's looking for the one that he really wants, not the one that relentlessly hunted him down until he gave in.

I'm not sure how to get past this. I want him to be happy. I just hate feeling like I'm in direct competition with someone else. Anyone else been through something similar?
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Something that has helped me is to visualize what would help me feel more secure and ask for it. My quad talks constantly. Constantly!

(It is, by the way, the reason I haven't been here very much lately. We've apparently had a lot to talk about.)

Basically, I read as many poly books as I can get my hands on, figure out what applies to me, and talk to the others about it. We're quite blessed to have a fantastic other wife who is quite skilled at communicating.

I don't know what your insecurities are based on. I understand that you feel like he settled, but I don't know what actions he's taking now that are perpetuating it.

An example that might help-- I feel like my husband doesn't care who fills the role of wife, as long as there's someone in the role. I feel like he doesn't see me or know me, and I don't feel like I can trust it when he says that he loves me.

At the suggestion of our other wife, we got a book called The Five Love Languages, which revealed that my "love language" is touch. My husband is not very affectionate. I felt a lack of touch, but didn't realize that was the problem. We talked about what the minimum was for me to feel loved. We came to an agreement that he and I would drop everything at 11:30,pm and just cuddle with one another until we fell asleep. The agreement sounds very cold and unfeeling, but just the added touch has helped center me. It's been less than a week since we made the agreement, but today I woke up feeling happier and saner than I have in a long time.

So, ask yourself, how can I feel like he's choosing me? I don't recommend the trial-by-fire approach. Our other wife tried it, and it seemed like nothing our other husband did was right. Every action he took made it appear that he was choosing me over her. We've had to take a step back to save the relationships.

Perhaps you can come up with a reasonable action that might not seem like much, but given time, will help you feel like he's choosing to be with you. You're welcome to talk to me. I'm about two months into my only poly relationship, a poly-fideltious quad comprised of two married couples.

BTW, I very much feel like my husband married me because I pursued him.
 
It probably is easier for all to be poly first then progress into a relationship, but I think other ways are achievable too. From my own experience of springing it on my wife of 27 years and her best friend of 20, it's been trying and hurtful at times, but really seems to be deepening our friendships all around and now working toward a very fulfilling and meaningful life. I get the feeling there are many possible combinations that can and do make this poly stuff work. But it is work, just like any other marriage or meaningful long-term relationship.
 
badeth said:
Honestly, I'm opposed to polymory....
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Badeth,

Are you opposed to polyamory in a restricted sense, as in your own relationship? Or does your opposition extend to others and society, generally?
 
Badeth, why are you on this board if you oppose polyamory? And your signature about Michigan divorce laws... Hmm...? Maybe you have good reasons, but I find it strange.
 
I can't contribute too much to this topic, because I'm fairly early in my first poly relationship, as well (a few months, most of which has been long distance). While I was visiting, this did come up a bit, though. We're a quad of one man and three women.

One of the women has been married to Adam for over ten years. They married young, and in some ways Eve sees the circumstances of their marriage as detracting from their love, that if Adam found someone he was more compatible with, he'd leave her. While that's scary on an emotional level, it's scary on a practical level too, because they have four children, so the idea of being launched into single motherhood is pretty terrifying.

We've handled these fears thus far by reiterating that even of that were a strong, realistic possibility, Eve wouldn't be single for long, because she's quite a catch. Besides that, after this long, I think if Adam really wanted out, he'd get out. I do think that it's just a matter of women (all humans, actually) in general being prone to insecurity and being able to manipulate any information into something personally hurtful to themselves.

The only way to really know is to let this play out, talk through everyone's feelings often, try to meet each other's needs for freedom, security, reassurance, and stability along the way, and learn that he chooses to be with you every day. I would also think of that act that makes you say "if only he did ____, I'd know that he really does love me." He shouldn't have to prove himself constantly or whatnot, but once in a while, you do need that proof, that reassurance. Once you know what it is that would make you feel confident about his love for you, verbalize it to him. Don't expect him to be telepathic about it. :rolleyes:
 
Derbylicious said:
There are so many things going on in my head and not a lot of it makes sense. I know things logically, but I don't know them emotionally. I have a lot of issues that have come from a whole lot of places. I was so good at repressing them until now.
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Where I'm going with this thread will be a bit controversial. You have defined "part" of the problem-- what is going on in your head. That dialog sets the stage for the outcome. For example, I've had conversations in my head before meeting with a particular customer with whom I have an adversarial relationship. By the time I actually came face-to-face with him, I was already pissed off by my own internal dialog, by the conversation I had with him in my head.

It sets the stage for the outcome. If you find yourself chewing on the issue while you are sitting, or while you are working, or while you body is busy doing something else-- stop. Make a conscious effort to stop. Either meditate or focus "completely" on what you are currently doing. This won't remove the issue, or change problems that you will face in the future. But it will stop you from chewing on issues from the past, and it will stop you from projecting them into the future. When it comes to this one issue, try to keep it in the present, keep it in the now. That way you won't be draining off the vital energy you need to make your relationships a success.

Barry
 
Barry said:
Where I'm going with this thread will be a bit controversial. You have defined "part" of the problem. What is going on in your head. That dialog sets the stage for the outcome. For example, I've had conversations in my head before meeting with a particular customer with whom I have an adversarial relationship with. By the time I actually came face to face with him I was already pissed off by my own internal dialog, by the conversation I had with him in my head. It sets the stage for the outcome. If you find yourself chewing on the issue while you are sitting, or while you are working, or while you body is busy doing something else.....stop. Make a conscious effort to stop. Either meditate or focus "completely" on what you are currently doing. This won't remove the issue, or change problems that you will face in the future. But it will stop you from chewing on issues from the past, and it will stop you from projecting them into the future. When it comes to this one issue, try to keep it in the present, keep it in the now. That way you won't be draining off the vital energy you need to make your relationships a success.

Barry
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Must be late, I read MEDICATE instead of MEDITATE. I'll try and follow this advice though and stop with the inner dialogue.
 
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