Please help

S

sdl93

New member
I am new to this forum, as a matter of fact I'm new to forums in general, I am in serious need of advice and don't know where to turn. Let me start by saying that I have known that I'm poly for about 5 years now, it took a long time and a lot of mixed feelings about myself, but I've come to accept it and I love myself for my realization.

Now the fun stuff. I have been with my girlfriend for about three and a half years now, we love each other very much and I know we started early, but we now have two beautiful sons who I would die for in a heartbeat. That being said, my girlfriend (who I plan to marry one day, I am waiting to give her the wedding she deserves) is not the only woman I love. I know, shocker right? Coming to a poly forum with that is pretty much standard I'd imagine. But I digress. The problem is, the other woman I am in love with is her younger sister. I know that sounds awful and I'm probably a terrible human being, but I can't help who I love, so there.

Now I have never cheated on my girlfriend, and I never plan to, even with someone else I also love. She has had a lot of heartbreak in her life and I will never add to it so long as I live. However, I don't think that I can live a full, happy life unless I can be the person I am in my heart.

I have explained to my girlfriend how I am poly, but she cannot imagine sharing me, which I understand, everybody is entitled to feel their own way about things, I accept that. I feel bad though, because after I told her this, she demanded I tell her who else I love, and out of fear of destroying my life and every chance of happiness I have, I lied and told her no one, just that I know in my heart I'm poly. Besides, I knew it would destroy her if I flat out said I love her sister.

Now about my love. I was with my girlfriend for a year and a half when I realized I also loved her sister. We were living with her family at the time, so I was around her a lot. We have so much in common with each other it's uncanny, and just like me, she is very shy and outspoken, which, I believe, is one of the reasons I developed feelings for her.

Sometimes I feel like she also has feelings for me, though I may just be subconsciously projecting that, I don't know. But there have been times when I've caught her staring at me for long periods of time, and when we make eye contact she quickly turns away. Other times we have hung out with each other alone and in these moments she becomes more open and willing to talk. It's never been anything untoward, always about things we like and whatnot. But whenever I'm near her and my girlfriend at the same time, she becomes very distant and does not even acknowledge my presence at times. And there was one particular instance when she was visiting us at our house and my grandfather was talking to her (he is a very brash person, though he didn't really say anything that would seem hurtful or rude), he said to her maybe she should look for a boyfriend like me to have a family with. And after that, she became very reserved and didn't speak to anyone for about five minutes, then she left the room. My girlfriend and I followed her and she had gone into our room and was crying. My girlfriend went in to comfort her for what seemed like eternity, and after she had calmed her down she told me that she had refused to tell her what was wrong.

Since that day, she seems to have become even more distant and reserved than before and sometimes does not want to to visit when I'm around.

Each moment that I cannot profess to her my feelings, I feel as if a part of me dies, and it breaks my heart to wonder if she feels the the same way.

She has never had a boyfriend, she seems closed off to the idea whenever someone suggests it, and if it's suggested when I'm around I catch her staring at me again.

Please help me in this situation, I have literally no idea what I should do, and I'm afraid if I wait too long to act I may explode (figuratively, of course).
 
If you value your relationship with your girlfriend I would drop it. Maybe persue poly later, but wait till you are over her sister. Maybe take some space from her family. Or avoid being alone with her til you get over her.

If I knew one of my partners felt that way about one of my family members, especially if they had any desire to persue things, I think I would break up with them. That's just such a boundary for me. Particularly with my sibling. I would never again feel comfortable having them at family events (what are important to me that I am able to share them with my partner), and it would just be impossible to have a future with them.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

You have been enjoying the crush when living with her and the rest of the family and all the "feel good brain stuff" that happens with infatuation so you don't want it to end. I get that. But I think it is better if you DO accept that it is fading out. I think you know deep down that getting all tangled up with your future SIL would be VERY messy and inappropriate.

FWIW? I think you could do NOTHING. Just let it pass.

Each moment that I cannot profess to her my feelings, I feel as if a part of me dies, and it breaks my heart to wonder if she feels the the same way.
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You are not dying. Your crush on her is dying out -- you no longer live with the family, so aren't rubbing elbows all the time. You might be experiencing withdrawal now that you aren't having the crush chemistry like before. But that's not "love" or "destiny" or whatever.

If it breaks your heart to wonder if she returns the crush? Stop thinking about stuff like that. Let it go. Why add to your burdens?

Since that day, she seems to have become even more distant and reserved than before and sometimes does not want to to visit when I'm around.
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Sounds like she's trying to put some distance there. You could respect that and let it go. Be "basic polite" if you happen to run into each other but leave it at that.

We are not children. We are adults. We don't have to act on every crush we might experience.

And given that you probably want to maintain a healthy relationship with your future wife and all her people? Just let this one go, man.

Galagirl
 
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I appreciate the quick replies. For what it's worth, these last few months I think I've put some substantial distance between us. I've moved to a new city where I'm living with my brother saving my money so I can move my family here as well, I haven't seen her in quite some time. My dilemma is even though I go these long tracts of time without seeing her, my feelings have never diminished, not even a little. Not through lack of trying, I'm constantly telling myself it's wrong and I should drop it, but I cannot seem to get her out of my mind. She is in my thoughts almost as often as my girlfriend and it's driving me crazy.
 
Are you wanting to let it go? When the thoughts of her pop up, what is your behavior? Are you keeping the thought going and indulging in fantasies? Or are you changing the channel?

What do you do to change the channel?


Galagirl
 
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This all reads like you don't WANT to change your feelings. I'm not sure why, and I mean no offense, but I really feel like you came here and posted hoping to get someone to tell you to tell everyone how you feel and try to get a "happily poly ever after."

The thing is - you've already mentioned your girlfriend not being sure about poly in general. Add in normal sibling tension/jealousies. Then add in coparenting with one partner and not with the other (aka, one partner getting to be fun/carefree while the other is the family partner). On top of that, add in being completely new to poly and learning how to handle hinging, NRE, etc.

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Listen to GalaGirl. Create a way to teach your brain not to think about her. As soon as you do, shut the thought process down.

For the record - I am poly. My husband is poly. My sister is also poly. If my husband ever wanted to get involved with my sister? Pretty sure we'd have years of therapy just for suggesting it. If he attempted it, we'd be done. I love my sister, but no. Biggest ick factor I have. I used to be FWB with a couple. The guy decided he wanted to fuck my sister as well. I told him that's cool, but he will no longer be getting any from me. I actually couldn't even be around him when my sister was also around I was so grossed out. Feels incestual and wrong to me even though I (in theory) don't have anything against incest in general. His wife was super bummed because it basically killed the friendship all because her husband wanted to fulfill some sisters fantasy.
 
I could never figure out how people just "let things pass" or "let it go." Love is the strongest force there is and for many people, it's a life long experience that doesn't conform to social standards and expectations. I'm constantly astounded by the degree to which the poly community thinks that love can be legislated away with logic and shoulds. They may be different, but there are just as many social standards and prejudices in the poly community as there are in mono society. Likely not helpful as it pertains to your situation, sdl93, but I completely understand the immense power, endurance and mystery of Love.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.”
― Rumi.
 
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I could never figure out how people just "let things pass" or "let it go."
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For me, feelings ensue after behavior. Either action behavior or thinking behavior. Feelings are a sort of thermometer of my behavior. If I like the feeling? I keep doing what I am doing. If I want feelings to change or a feeling to not burn so hot? I have to change a behavior. Take the pan off the burner.

Relationships are participatory to me. If I want to dial something down in feeling intensity? I have to take it off the burner. It is hard for me to keep loving intensely or feel close to someone if...

  • I don't talk to them much or interact with them much. (less participation, quantity of time)
  • I don't interact with them meaningfully (quality of time, mutuality, reciprocity, authenticity, etc)
  • I don't invest in the relationship much (spending time with the person, getting to know the person, build ties with the person, keeping up with the person over time because people change in their interests, hobbies, etc)
  • There's no shared vision, hope, or anything. (I don't dig one sided relationships.)
  • I stop doing things for the person. (Where I used to be willing to pet sit or house sit if they were away? I decline to do so if they ask me. Let them solve their things another way. Because my goal is to put some distance in there.)

Things like that.

I have an ex I still love. Decades old love. But is it as vivid or bright as when it was "active love" that I was participating in daily? Nope. It's faded. We haven't spoken in a few years. I do nothing of the things above with him. Sometimes I think about him, and it is pleasant. But most of the time I don't because he's not part of my daily life any more. And when I do think of him I'm not fantasizing about trying to get something going again. I am content for him to be one of the loves of my life, but I accept he isn't a currently active love in my daily life.


I think if the OP wishes to let his SIL crush go from his active, daily life? I think he could choose to do so. He doesn't have to stop caring about her. But he could accept it cannot be daily active life stuff if he wishes to have more peace of mind.

That's why I asked what behaviors he currently does.

Galagirl
 
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FallenAngelina said:
I could never figure out how people just "let things pass" or "let it go." Love is the strongest force there is and for many people, it's a life long experience that doesn't conform to social standards and expectations. I'm constantly astounded by the degree to which the poly community thinks that love can be legislated away with logic and shoulds. They may be different, but there are just as many social standards and prejudices in the poly community as there are in mono society. Likely not helpful as it pertains to your situation, sdl93, but I completely understand the immense power, endurance and mystery of Love.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.”
― Rumi.
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Here's my take on it. No, you can not help who you love. Sometimes we fall for people or develop feelings even when we really dont' want to. But guess what? Pursuing those feelings, acting on them, that is ALL a choice. One of the biggest lessons, IMHO, is that just because there are feelings doesn't mean there needs to be a relationship. It doesn't mean that there SHOULD be a relationship. When it will do more harm than good, when you know that together you are toxic, when you know it is going to end in hurt, you back away.

It's not about 'turning off' emotions. It's about managing them for everyone's safety. It's the same thing as knowing how to manage your NRE so you don't go stupid teenage emo and drive your other partners up the wall!

You KNOW this is a bad idea, so yes, manage those emotions. Keep a distance if you can, concentrate on your girlfriend. Also, if you are thinking marriage
and your girlfriend is dead set against poly, you may want to slow down and have a better discussion on things. Mono/Poly is hard and to be honest most polys are kind of against it. It can be done but you do need to make sure your partners needs are met.
 
Fallen Angelina, I normally agree with everything you say. However, as much as we can't control how we FEEL, how we BEHAVE is completely within our control. I have made some terrible, hurtful decisions citing my overwhelming feelings as the cause. It's no excuse. Pursuing a relationship with his significant other's sister could not just destroy the relationship he has with his SO, but the relationship between the sisters as well.

What I take exception to is the fact that there was a woman within the last few months who was married and wanted a poly relationship with her husband's brother. For the most part, the response was how she could bring the subject up to her husband without him getting upset about it, not how she should just not go there. I don't know why this is different, just because the OP is a man.
 
FallenAngelina said:
"Most polys" are against mono/poly?
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Not sure how long you've been around, what community you hang out with, but I've been in a mono/poly relationship for over a decade and yes, forums, support groups, communities I run into, I hear more and more "Oh, I've dated a mono and I'll never do it again!" I've heard, "I would NEVER date a mono!" Even in posts from when I first got here the comments were very much about how it's 'easier' to let go of my marriage and let us both move on. I have actually LEFT the only mono/poly support group found online because it was a constant deluge of polys saying that if you just leave your mono partner and start over it is SOOOO much easier.

So sorry if your experiences are different, but that's what the last decade has been for us.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Pursuing a relationship with his significant other's sister could not just destroy the relationship he has with his SO, but the relationship between the sisters as well.
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Oh, absolutely - any number of things could happen. I'm not arguing that we all should act on every feeling we have, I'm saying that the poly community has just as many expectations on propriety that the mono world has - they're just different expectations. One reason that I really like coming here is that there are various points of view and takes on how a person can work with a situation, so I appreciate the variety and the discussion, but there's a good bit of "of course we all see it this way" that goes on - and suggestions to "just let it go" is one of those things.

I'm a person that seems to, for whatever reason, hear an awful lot of what people are actually doing in their lives. People share their secrets with me a lot. People have secrets because of all the "should do"s vs. the real feelings that people have. Secret longing, secret misery or secret actions - they're all secrets because people are afraid of judgement and group think. People come here, often in desperation, to share their secrets and sometimes I wish we all could be a little more compassionate, that's all.


Vixtoria said:
So sorry if your experiences are different, but that's what the last decade has been for us.
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And Vixtoria, I'm really sorry that you've gotten this kind of reception. The responses that you describe in your post above illustrate what I'm talking about.
 
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Whether Mono or Poly, there is very much the need to put things into outlines. As if having an outline for how the relationship SHOULD go will tell you if you are succeeding or not. I understand this because there are so many times that hubby and I really wish we could talk to someone in our situation and know what worked for them and what didn't. More often than not though we hear that WE should step up and write something or do a talk or something because of how different things have turned out for us.

The last thing we want is someone to make the mistakes we did! I just wish, I suppose, that people overall were more supportive. That it was okay for others to do things differently as long as it was agreed to, honest, and respectful. You do you, and we will do us. That doesn't mean that what you are doing is 'wrong' compared to what we are doing. Just, different.
 
Vixtoria said:
Not sure how long you've been around, what community you hang out with, but I've been in a mono/poly relationship for over a decade and yes, forums, support groups, communities I run into, I hear more and more "Oh, I've dated a mono and I'll never do it again!" I've heard, "I would NEVER date a mono!" Even in posts from when I first got here the comments were very much about how it's 'easier' to let go of my marriage and let us both move on. I have actually LEFT the only mono/poly support group found online because it was a constant deluge of polys saying that if you just leave your mono partner and start over it is SOOOO much easier.

So sorry if your experiences are different, but that's what the last decade has been for us.
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I see a lot of this as well. I wonder if we notice it more because we're sensitive to it, like folks who get a new car suddenly noticing the number of people driving that same car when they never did before.

Sometimes, even the folks who are "poly gurus" echo similar sentiments, which gets *extremely* discouraging: https://twitter.com/everickert/status/769800858523410432

(Eve did clarify her stance. The limitations of 140 characters don't make it easy to get subtleties across.)

Not to derail the main point... I agree that feelings don't need to dictate behaviors. "Should / should not" aside, this is the type of thing that can rip individuals and families apart... here there be dragons. It makes sense to understand the potential pitfalls.

If the OP wants to have the "Poly Talk" in a *general* sense, without involving his GF's younger sister, that might be a better idea, but not necessarily with him emotionally keeping the younger sister waiting in the wings. Having *anyone* waiting in the wings can make these conversations feel more like steamrolling / pressure than an actual conversation.
 
Vixtoria said:
Mono/Poly is hard and to be honest most polys are kind of against it. It can be done but you do need to make sure your partners needs are met.
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What the deuce?

We have many many successful long term poly/mono relationships represented here on these boards.

Myself, Bluebird, kdt, youarehere. I could go on and on.

Hell I have had HORRIBLE experiences dating partnered poly men. I prefer to be involved with mono men or solo poly men.
 
Dagferi said:
What the deuce?

We have many many successful long term poly/mono relationships represented here on these boards.

Myself, Bluebird, kdt, youarehere. I could go on and on.

Hell I have had HORRIBLE experiences dating partnered poly men. I prefer to be involved with mono men or solo poly men.
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That's fine that it is your preference, but if you continue reading the thread you will see that myself and others have the experience, for me it's been over a decade, of polys overwhelmingly being against. There are those of us here that are mono/poly and that's great. That there are more is even better. I started on this site and others long ago and that was not only NOT the case, but frowned upon.
 
OP, I don't see anything wrong with pursuing relationships with two sisters -- IF your gf and her sis both happily and wholeheartedly consent. What I do see as asking for trouble would be if you pursued it without consent or pushed the issue to get your gf to agree under duress. However, from your description of the sister's behavior, it does sound like a somewhat unhealthy obsession on her part (if we are to interpret her actions, as you have, to mean that she's "in love" with you -- the reality of what goes on inside her head might not have a thing to do with you!). You sound a bit obsessed as well. So, it may be best not to go there.

Can you love your gf's sister without adding a romantic component and just care for her as her friend? Of course you can - many millions of people have done just that for centuries. You need to ask yourself what is most important to you - your relationship and home life with your gf and children, or being able to express the love you feel for her sister? Who knows? Maybe there is great potential to be ecstatically happy in a relationship with gf's sister, but would your gf stick around? Anyway, smart couples take their time in discussing poly and possibly opening their relationship - a year or longer, even.

In any event, disciplining yourself and reigning in your fantasies about the sister is a good exercise in self-control. We can't always get what we want in life - and truthfully, most of us are better off if our fantasies do not become reality.
 
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