"Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it”. -- Winston Churchill
The following is my story of how NOT to do poly. It's my hope that we can find a way thru this with advice from those that know better.
DG and I met 10 years ago. Our connection was instant and intense. Unfortunately, DG was in a relationship with someone she loved and cared deeply for. For 3 years DG toiled between her 2 partners, both of us asking for exclusivity. At this point, the idea of Poly was an unknown. In the end, the boyfriend walked away from the relationship with DG, severing all ties. They would never speak again.
The scars that were left from this experience went down to the core. As much as I could love her, it never filled the pain she felt from losing him. It was the darkest/most inspired time in my life.
I swore that I could never go through that again, until now.
About 4 years ago, DG and I began to drift. We closed our restaurant that we opened together. We had a miscarriage. We were both suffering from personal and professional induced depression. In the end of that chapter, we decided to move away from our friends and family to "start a new life" together. Well, like they say you can't run from your problems.
I began working nights at a job well below my skill set. She took on a very large project working lots of daytime hours. We rarely saw each other. As she grew into her job, confidence bounded. I was still in hiding.
As you can imagine, she began a relationship with one of her co-workers (this is how we met 10 years prior). Their year long affair began slowly, but as feelings between them intensified, she finally felt like she had to come out about it. They were in love. That said, she Did/Does still love me, and I her. We are/were best friends and lovers. Unfortunately, we both bore a great deal of resentment for the other as the challenges of life led us astray.
I was devastated upon hearing the news. I couldn't believe we had fallen back into the same situation that brought so much pain into our lives.
This time, however, I made a very conscious decision not to force her to "choose" between us. I/We started going to sex-positive meetings, I've read every piece of literature I can get my hands on about polyamory/poly-fidelity. We started seeing a couples counselor who specializes in non-monogamy. etc. We are talking and communicating better than we have in years. I think it's finally dawned on us that she has always aligned Poly. I mono.
Another positive unintended consequence of their affair, is that it really forced me to look at my life and the road blocks I made for myself. With a new sense of determination, I put my energy into getting the life I wanted. I fought for and got a TOTALLY AWESOME NEW JOB! It has huge upside potential for me. i.e. financial security, the ability to buy a house, great daytime hours. I look and feel better than I have in years.
But...I'm not so sure that the person I love is the person who I get to share this with. I've expressed my desires to keep the life promises that I made to her so many years ago. Marriage, house, family, stability. Were both damn close to 40, so the kids thing is a kinda do or die situation.
She's angry and frustrated "why now?". I understand that, and sometimes it takes a lot of jarring to see the bigger picture of things.
Unfortunately, that's always been the way for us. We are both terrible procrastinators.
As I said, I don't want to force her to choose between us but I am making my intention clear. I want stability.
I want to support her and her other relationship but not at the sacrifice of my desire to have a family. Her BF isn't keen on the idea to say the least. Unless that child is his. He also aligns as mono. It seems outwardly, that he's hoping I will just go away. Not happening.
Unless, of course, the idea of DG and I and family has faded so far that it's no longer possible to her. She says it hasn't and I believe her.
But once again our timing couldn't be worse. She wants to explore her new found confidence and sexuality with BF. I don't want us to miss a window that could be closed forever to us, adding even more regrets and resentments.
I'm going to wrap up in saying that this is a very, very strong relationship. For some of you thinking that I am trying to trap her with the kids, family, scenerio you couldn't be more wrong. I value DG as a person over the the type of relationship I have with her. If we decided to go separate ways intimately, our friendship will still carry on until my dying days.
Thanks for listening. Any advice about compersion or rebuilding trust is gladly appreciated.
Ossie
The following is my story of how NOT to do poly. It's my hope that we can find a way thru this with advice from those that know better.
DG and I met 10 years ago. Our connection was instant and intense. Unfortunately, DG was in a relationship with someone she loved and cared deeply for. For 3 years DG toiled between her 2 partners, both of us asking for exclusivity. At this point, the idea of Poly was an unknown. In the end, the boyfriend walked away from the relationship with DG, severing all ties. They would never speak again.
The scars that were left from this experience went down to the core. As much as I could love her, it never filled the pain she felt from losing him. It was the darkest/most inspired time in my life.
I swore that I could never go through that again, until now.
About 4 years ago, DG and I began to drift. We closed our restaurant that we opened together. We had a miscarriage. We were both suffering from personal and professional induced depression. In the end of that chapter, we decided to move away from our friends and family to "start a new life" together. Well, like they say you can't run from your problems.
I began working nights at a job well below my skill set. She took on a very large project working lots of daytime hours. We rarely saw each other. As she grew into her job, confidence bounded. I was still in hiding.
As you can imagine, she began a relationship with one of her co-workers (this is how we met 10 years prior). Their year long affair began slowly, but as feelings between them intensified, she finally felt like she had to come out about it. They were in love. That said, she Did/Does still love me, and I her. We are/were best friends and lovers. Unfortunately, we both bore a great deal of resentment for the other as the challenges of life led us astray.
I was devastated upon hearing the news. I couldn't believe we had fallen back into the same situation that brought so much pain into our lives.
This time, however, I made a very conscious decision not to force her to "choose" between us. I/We started going to sex-positive meetings, I've read every piece of literature I can get my hands on about polyamory/poly-fidelity. We started seeing a couples counselor who specializes in non-monogamy. etc. We are talking and communicating better than we have in years. I think it's finally dawned on us that she has always aligned Poly. I mono.
Another positive unintended consequence of their affair, is that it really forced me to look at my life and the road blocks I made for myself. With a new sense of determination, I put my energy into getting the life I wanted. I fought for and got a TOTALLY AWESOME NEW JOB! It has huge upside potential for me. i.e. financial security, the ability to buy a house, great daytime hours. I look and feel better than I have in years.
But...I'm not so sure that the person I love is the person who I get to share this with. I've expressed my desires to keep the life promises that I made to her so many years ago. Marriage, house, family, stability. Were both damn close to 40, so the kids thing is a kinda do or die situation.
She's angry and frustrated "why now?". I understand that, and sometimes it takes a lot of jarring to see the bigger picture of things.
Unfortunately, that's always been the way for us. We are both terrible procrastinators.
As I said, I don't want to force her to choose between us but I am making my intention clear. I want stability.
I want to support her and her other relationship but not at the sacrifice of my desire to have a family. Her BF isn't keen on the idea to say the least. Unless that child is his. He also aligns as mono. It seems outwardly, that he's hoping I will just go away. Not happening.
Unless, of course, the idea of DG and I and family has faded so far that it's no longer possible to her. She says it hasn't and I believe her.
But once again our timing couldn't be worse. She wants to explore her new found confidence and sexuality with BF. I don't want us to miss a window that could be closed forever to us, adding even more regrets and resentments.
I'm going to wrap up in saying that this is a very, very strong relationship. For some of you thinking that I am trying to trap her with the kids, family, scenerio you couldn't be more wrong. I value DG as a person over the the type of relationship I have with her. If we decided to go separate ways intimately, our friendship will still carry on until my dying days.
Thanks for listening. Any advice about compersion or rebuilding trust is gladly appreciated.
Ossie
I could be wrong. But you've been kinda "floating along" in your life from the sound of it. It's led to wonky places with regrets and resentments.