Poly and babies...

J

JustCurious83

New member
Ok so I'm not positive this is the right place to post this but I'm going to throw it out there anyway.

Alright, I'm going to try to condense this long story into a medium one... My bf and gf (bf since May, married couple, gf also happens to be best friend of last 13 years, has way more medical conditions than any one person should have)have been trying to get pregnant since the beginning of the year, and I'm super excited for them, or at least I was until the last few weeks. I've started having a recurring nightmare. I've been dreaming that they are successful and everything is great but then we loose gf during birth. This scares the crap out of me because I am going to be this babies god mom and am expected to raise it as my own, which I have absolutely no problem with until the nightmares started. Now you have to understand that I'm not the "mommy" type. I'm very anti kids, at least my own anyway. I've always been the one that avoids baby showers like the plague because I just don't get the whole goo goo over babies thing. When other women are fighting over whatever baby is in the room I'm the one standing a ways away from the crowd counting the ceiling tiles because that to me is vastly more interesting than the stinky puke and poop machine.

All of this became way too real this morning. Gf and I were taking a shower get ready for work and she says "so I'm going to the dr this morning for a blood test,I had a possible positive this morning I'm trying not to get excited just in case." I know I went pale, so I turned my face into the water to try to hide it and got out as quickly as I could.

I know she wants to be a mom so bad she can hardly stand it and I want her to have that experience because it means so much to her but how do I move past this fear? I don't want it affecting the three of us but I'm not sure how to deal with this.

I'm very much a planning kind of person and I don't know how to create a plan to deal with the loss of someone I love so much and become responsible for a little breakable thing all at one time... I would love to hear from some people who are or have been in similar situations!
 
Why on earth would she die from childbirth?

I get the feeling that although you are a triad, they are having the baby and you are just a bystander, a very relucant one at that.
 
Hi JustCurious83,

Life never comes with guarantees, you never know what can happen. You could get hit by a bus (or a meteor) tomorrow morning. It's not useful to try to plan for the future; you can plan for the probable stuff; the rest you just figure out as it comes.

Theoretically you could talk with BF and GF about your concerns about GF's health, but would that change the future? They obviously want to have a child. This story kind of reminds me of the movie "Steel Magnolias." Shelby wanted a child too. Was it right for her mom to resist that wish?

I hope your fears will turn out to be just fears.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
From another woman who really doesn't like babies... I'd just talk to your partners about how much coparenting you do or don't want to do. Especially at the infant stage. Nobody can make you parent a child that isn't yours. You wouldn't be mom-by-default unless you decided to take on that role and your bf wanted you to.

And you could stop beating yourself up if you're doing that (your post feels like you're doing that a little), because I think it's completely natural to respond to life changes with hesitance and fear. Your gf having a baby is a huge life change. I'd give yourself some time to settle into the idea, and have some serious conversations with your partners about what this means for YOU as well as for THEM. If you've already had those conversations, maybe have them again, because you sound like you could really use some reassurances.

Anyway, if it's just a baby thing, you're in luck because don't stay babies long. I really don't like the screaming smelly creatures. But I do enjoy some activities with my girlfriend's kids. They're a little older, I don't have to wipe their asses, and they usually don't scream unless they've punched each other. Wishing you so much good luck.
 
Everything Autumn said...

My daughters weren't babies, but they were young when Cat and I first got together. Like you, she didn't want kids (and I would never have slept with her if she did). She made it clear what her boundaries were and I respected them. Hopefully your couple will do the same.

Obviously I don't know the situation with her health, but I have to sort of assume that her doctor would have told her not to try and get pregnant if it would put her life in danger.

Do you want to be the godmother? It's ok to say no. Cat said no to her best friend and it didn't hurt their relationship.
 
Baby on board...

So we did find out Monday that GF is indeed pregnant, and we had a really tough week. I actually had a scheduled appointment with my GYN on Thursday and she was able to shed some light on why I was freaking out so badly. She was asking me how life was (we've been friends for years) so I was telling her about GF being pregnant and she asked about the due date. When I told her she went out in the hall and asked for my old chart and reminded me of something I haven't thought about in years. Almost 6 years ago now, I was getting out of an abusive relationship and found out less than 2 weeks after leaving him that I was 4 months pregnant. I had bled like a normal period the entire time so I had not idea whatsoever. He hadn't touched my sexually in almost a year so I had given up on birth control and in mid-september of that year he pretty much raped me. I ended up pregnant but didn't find out until January.

So according to GF's pregnancy app her due date will be June 29th. Mine was June 26th. When I miscarried I was so relieved!!! I never wanted kids and I certainly didn't want his kid! After what he did to me I didn't think I could love it and being happy that I miscarried made me feel guilty because it was so easy for me to get pregnany when women who want motherhood desperately have such a hard time sometimes, and sometimes aren't able to at all. I never realized that I felt guilty about it. All these years I never thought the miscarriage was a big deal, since I didn't want kids I never thought that it would come back and haunt me the way it did when I heard GF's news Monday afternoon.

Yesterday BF and I were both off work so we had plenty of time to talk and he helped me work through alot of my feelings and fears, then when GF got home from work we clued her in and talked some more. We decided as a group that it is probably a good idea for me to see a therapist to get some tools to deal with all of this so that we can hopefully prevent any issues come baby time.
 
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