Poly-at-heart but monogamous in marriage

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exmormon1986

New member
I’m having some major issues trying to reconcile how I feel right now. I’ve always believed that poly is the only relationship style that made sense but I’m currently married to a monogamous-only woman with two small children. I've always been poly-at-heart. In high school and college, I cringed at being in a "trial marriage" exclusive dating scheme. I never thought it was a good idea. I saw many people in absolute ruin over breakups and also so much politics. For instance, women will date another man just to make their ex jealous, men feel they need to compete with other men for the ideal mate which often leads to a confrontation. Relationships should be about mutual benefit, not politics.

I feel like I missed out on a chance to really explore relationships in these years. I had a few short flings, but nothing that lasted. I never really made a deep connection with another woman, and I think I never really have. My wife is nice and I enjoy being with her. I feel that life owes her more and I want to give that to her. But I'm not about to claim that she fulfills all my needs. Is it wrong to admit that? Poly is the only relationship scheme that has made sense to me. It's the only one that seems to be truly about making true connections without the pressure of "being the only one". Also, I feel that there are other women out there that could use my love and I don't want those women to be left out. There are so many lonely people out there. Isn't poly a great solution for loneliness, especially for folks that just can't fit the "one and only one" perfection that is required by monogamy?

My wife and I have talked about poly, before our marriage and during our marriage, and have each got a chance to really open up about how we feel. I don’t think that she is all that willing to change her mind. When we got married, I suppose I was willing to change the way I felt, if it meant having children with this woman. She is really the best mother ever and I love her a lot. Our kids are beautiful and awesome and I want the best for them, especially to offer them two parents who stay together. My wife and I only fight about this one thing, the ploy issue. You see, even though I love her, I know that there are things that I need in life in order to have fulfillment, a woman who understands my “out there” thoughts on just about everything. My wife just doesn’t seem to understand. She tries hard but it just goes over her head. I apologize to her if that sounds insulting but it's how I really feel. I know that she has had many painful experiences and needs healing, but she needs to understand that I do too. Perhaps, we could both use new, welcoming perspectives into our intimate lives. I really do love my wife and want to make her happy for the rest of her life and work toward our mutual benefit. I think poly could work, she just doesn’t see it that way.

We may have gotten married too soon, before we had worked out all of our issues. I’m in the Navy, and when I got a transfer we rushed into getting married so that we could stay together. Without our marriage, we would have gone our separate ways and I would have been forced to live on my ship in a berthing with forty other men… yuck. I’ve never cheated on her, only had a long-distance “emotional affair” with a female friend I had been writing to. Because, you know, it’s hard being on deployment for almost a year and you have to seek out people who care. I know my wife cares and I care about her, we just don’t click on every issue.

It’s strange, but I feel that if I could just feel understood by another woman, that I would grow closer to my wife. I feel that I’m dying inside, with nothing to look forward to in life but sacrifice for nothing—no growth or new experience. I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life waiting for fulfillment or regreting the past. Is it that wrong to want both relationship stability and new experience? Am I selfish for wanting more out of life?

I am planning on showing this post to my wife to let her know how I feel and to make an honest attempt to be open.

Thanks,
Robert P.
 
I am in the same sad boat as you are, so I understand your pain.

I too am "Poly-at-heart but monogamous in marriage".
 
I'm in sort-of the opposite boat (no Navy pun intended). I'm monogamous, but currently in a relationship with a married polygirl. So... I know some of the things your wife is thinking. She's worried about having to compete. Insecure about not being good enough. Scared at her own feelings... what if she starts hating you? If she truly loves you, that thought alone would scare the shit out of her. And possibly, on some level, she's scared that it means she's expected to find someone else as well when she doesn't want to.

These are not easy things to overcome. And if you try to hard, it may feel like an attack; if change is going to happen, it needs to come slowly, organically, and from her own thoughts. It may not happen at all. It may only happen partially. But it can't be forced. She has to decide her own definitions on her own terms.

Best of luck to you. It's a hell of a position, for both of you, but it can work out. If you do show her this post, and she wants to talk to someone in sort-of the same position, she (or you) can PM me. I won't take sides, just sort of try to explain what I've gone through.
 
exmormon1986 said:
Our kids are beautiful and awesome and I want the best for them, especially to offer them two parents who stay together.
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God, I hope you have more to offer them than "staying together." I've read divorce forums and plenty of kids are basically, "Dear God, but I was grateful when my parents finally admitted they were wrong for each other and split up." Kids can tell when you're staying together for them, and not because you're happy and fulfilled. And they really don't like it. At least a good amount of them don't. They're just annoyed they have to live with two parents who fight.
 
For someone who's mono-at-heart, polyamory can be scary as hell. Instead of seeing it as "My husband has a lot of love to give and wants someone *in addition to* me to share it with, and to share things with that he and I don't have in common," she may be seeing it as "I love him and he says he loves me, so why does he want another woman? Why am I not enough for him? How can he love two people? What if he leaves me for her?" etc.

I was fortunate when I came out as poly to Hubby. He's mono, but he's read a ton of science fiction in which characters were part of polyamorous relationships or group marriages, so he at least understood the concept and comprehended how it could work *for some people*. He's also very logical, almost Spock-like in the way he analyzes things, so he was able to generalize from "parents love more than one child, people care about more than one friend, etc." to "KC can love more than one man without it taking away from either of us or from her kids."

But most people don't think that way, and for someone who's mono, hearing that their partner wants an additional relationship can feel like rejection or like a slap in the face, as if their partner is saying "You aren't good enough so I need someone else to pick up your slack."

Be gentle with your wife. Be patient with her. Find books or online resources and ask her if she'd be willing to read them. Tell her over and over that this is who you are, and that you've tried your best to be monogamous but it feels as wrong to you as having an opposite-sex relationship would feel to someone who's homosexual. Tell her that you don't intend to love anyone INSTEAD of her, but in addition to. Point out to her that nearly everyone has more than one friend and is able to devote time and attention to all their friends, and that for someone who is polyamorous, romantic relationships work the same way.

She might never be able to accept that, and if that's the case, you will have to decide whether to stay married even though you aren't being true to yourself, or to leave her so you can be who you really are. And while I understand the idea of wanting to give your children an intact home... kids know when their parents are miserable. You wouldn't be doing them a favor by giving them an intact home where you aren't allowed to be yourself and your wife resents you for who you are.
 
I was in polyamorous relationships throughout my early and mid-twenties. At age 26, I met Arlo. During our early years together, we had threesomes with my ex boyfriend, I had a girlfriend for one summer, he was ok with it. He did freak out when I went to another country to be with an old flame, but I figured it was just too soon in the relationship, and down the road he'd relax. Eventually, I had no lover but Arlo, we moved in together, and we married. I thought Arlo would never force monogamy on me, though at the moment, I didn't mind behaving monogamously.

After we married, he started saying things that warned me he was not comfortable with non-monogamy. I protested sometimes, but didn't want to rock the boat, there was no one on my radar I absolutely had to have. I managed to stay monogamous for over a decade, then, at the age of 40, hello, mid-life crises! I just couldn't anymore, and someone was on my radar hardcore....I went to Arlo, told him I needed to open the marriage. First he said no, we're divorcing, but then he relented. He tried to allow an open marriage, we tried a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy which frustrated me and didn't seem to help him much. Jealousy and pride undid him, and two years later, we are separated, leaning towards divorce.

Somewhere, in the back of mind, I always thought there'd be a loophole. Some part of me thought "Surely, no one expects me to only have sex/love with this one man for the rest of my life. I mean, I'm not even heterosexual!"

Turns out yeah, I WAS expected to only have sex/love with one person for the rest of my life. I'm sad my marriage is ending, I miss Arlo. But, on the other hand, something inside me is blissfully screaming: "I'm free! I'm freeeeeeeeee!" So, OP, perhaps you'll be like me: monogamous until you can't be monogamous anymore.
 
LoveBunny said:
Turns out yeah, I WAS expected to only have sex/love with one person for the rest of my life
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Well, that IS kind of the point of marriage. My partner married, not thinking he'd ever want another significant relationship, maybe just some casual flings on the side. Thought he needed marriage to create a family.

But you really don't.

We'll probably have a commitment ceremony and wedding ceremony. But aside from tax benefits, there's really no point to marriage unless you want only one person as your lifetime partner.
 
Candiedlove said:
But aside from tax benefits, there's really no point to marriage unless you want only one person as your lifetime partner.
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It isn't just tax benefits; there's durable power of attorney, probate (if not married, having a will is HUGELY important), inheritance, health insurance, etc. that all have certain default actions if you're married. If you choose not to marry, then setting those actions up require some legal paperwork.

Not impossible, but still wanted to point out that there are reasons outside of taxes.
 
YouAreHere said:
It isn't just tax benefits; there's durable power of attorney, probate (if not married, having a will is HUGELY important), inheritance, health insurance, etc. that all have certain default actions if you're married. If you choose not to marry, then setting those actions up require some legal paperwork.

Not impossible, but still wanted to point out that there are reasons outside of taxes.
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True. Taxes, legal benefits. But you can have those outside of marriage. It's just more work.
 
Hi Robert,

Let us know (if you're willing) how your wife responds after you show her your post. Maybe if she's not willing to tolerate poly (yet), she'd be willing to get a Polyamory.com membership for herself. She can voice her concerns here and get help and responses from various people. If she doesn't want a membership right now, maybe she'd at least be willing to lurk and read some of the threads. We tend to fear the unfamiliar, and reading what poly people (and the monogamous people who love them) have to say might help her feel like polyamory is more of a familiar thing to her.

On the other hand, maybe she'll just say, "No way," and stomp her foot, and after (x) years you'll find yourself saying, "Well, I'm going to practice polyamory. I hope you'll support me and stay married to me, but if you feel like you need to divorce me, I'll understand."

Re: the children ... are unique individuals and I can't predict how a divorce would affect them. But remember that no matter what you do, you are setting an example for your kids and they are watching you closely. Perhaps it's not all that great for kids to learn that, "People should stay married no matter how unhappy the marriage makes them." Something to think about.

There is nothing wrong with you having polyamorous desires and wants and needs, but on the same token there is also nothing wrong with your wife having monogamous desires and wants and needs. It's not about who's "right" or who's "wrong" here. Neither of you are wrong. You are just trying to figure out how to make each other happy without driving yourselves to drink.

You seem to feel that you have a happy marriage, and I don't think that being poly automatically means you can't adapt yourself to monogamy -- and experience growth and new experience within monogamous bounds. If you want your wife to change her way of looking at things and realize that even though she's monogamous, she can adapt herself to a polyamorous situation -- then you need to be willing to look at the other side of the coin and see how that kind of compromise could apply to yourself.

The other posts here have good advice and feedback. Now you just need to start (re-start) the poly discussion with your wife. Be careful not to flood her. A little here and a little there is enough for starters. And, if you'll keep us updated, we can continue to offer suggestions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Candiedlove said:
Well, that IS kind of the point of marriage. My partner married, not thinking he'd ever want another significant relationship, maybe just some casual flings on the side. Thought he needed marriage to create a family.

But you really don't.

We'll probably have a commitment ceremony and wedding ceremony. But aside from tax benefits, there's really no point to marriage unless you want only one person as your lifetime partner.
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I completely disagree. The "point" of marriage is (to me anyway) to get the 1400-odd legal benefits that come with it. a couple can love each other just as much with or without marriage (I see that you do cover that later).

I believe that if plural marriage were legal, more than just two people would get married in many cases... and in all of those cases it would be so the group could be "lifetime partners" (and they may or may not also have some sort of "open arrangement" for temporary partners who might or might not join the marriage). It's not done much plurally because it's not legal plurally.
 
RichardInTN said:
I believe that if plural marriage were legal, more than just two people would get married in many cases... and in all of those cases it would be so the group could be "lifetime partners" (and they may or may not also have some sort of "open arrangement" for temporary partners who might or might not join the marriage). It's not done much plurally because it's not legal plurally.
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Oh, my, yes! If group marriage was legal, we'd be married in six months. But if it can only apply to one other? I'll suck it up and create my own legal contract.
 
Chops, Xena, and I each have a copy of this: http://www.nolo.com/products/living-together-ltk.html

(Although we haven't really gotten through it yet)

Chops and I share a home in one state, while he and Xena share a home in another.

The book has lots of interesting info regarding things I never really thought about, like common-law states, states where even cohabitation without marriage is illegal (and, as such, legal contracts that are similar to marriage are a sticky wicket), community property states, etc. Not only do I need to write a will, but we need to create inventories of what belongs to whom in the event of my death (so his property goes back to him - the house is in my name). Medical decisions are a big deal, too, so... more paperwork.

There are so many things that just happen when people get married. Estates have a default inheritance/administrator, money and property (depending on the state) are now considered property of the marriage, power of attorney, bereavement leave from work and medical insurance, Social Security benefits if applicable, etc. Yes, you can get much of it through a lot of paperwork (and filing fees), but there are some pieces you just can't get without a marriage license. Some states will consider the legal husband the father of any children, regardless of actual paternity, and this needs to be considered by poly families with one married couple and other unmarried partners.

We're not planning to marry (and he and Xena aren't planning to, either), and we don't have children together, so basically we're just looking for the right paperwork to file in order to handle medical issues, power of attorney, and inheritance upon death. It's doable, but it's a headache.
 
Thanks everyone for your responses. I've been waiting for the right time to bring up a conversation about polyamory again. I wish these talks didn't come with a lot of tension but they do.

I wouldn't say that we are staying together just for the kids. I think that there is still plenty of benefit left in our marriage. We work well together and a separation would leave us both in a strained financial situation. I don't think that I would consider a separation at this point at all and any tough times that we have had together are simply due to the stress of being in the Navy. I was away at sea for almost a year. I've probably spent as many nights on the ship as I have at home. That will put some strain on your relationship for sure. It's not that I want to break up, or that we are just staying together for the kids. It's just that our relationship is not ideal.

I don't think that anyone can really ever have their ideal relationship. There will always be something that you would like to change. I'm attracted to the idea of polyamory because instead of forcing a lover to change you are allowed the chance to find what you are looking for with someone else. This way, you can have more of what you want out of life, so long as your other partners are in mutual agreement.

Again, thanks everyone. I'll inform you as things progress.
 
My wife and I got married when I was 21 and she, 20. She was a virgin when we married. We are getting ready to celebrate our 43rd (I think) wedding anniversary, 38 of which were spent in a triad with her best girlfriend. Only an unfortunate circumstance involving an out of state relocation, prevents our g/f from still being part of our marriage. My wife and I always considered ourselves monogamous which is why she did not go out and date women without me. Instead she found a perfect solution, just like a perfect storm, by inviting her g/f into our marriage. Her g/f was bisexual too. I knew her g/f longer than my wife did. I had a crush on her for years and we always flirted, even when she got married. After her divorce she was ready to settle in with her best friends. We were a loyal triad. Never had to use condoms or worry about STDs as we did no have sex with outsiders. It can work given the right three people.
 
Thanks again for your replies everyone.

I know this is a dead thread, but I just wanted to update you all on the status of things. I'm currently separated and working out a divorce. I have tried all I can to reconcile my beliefs about openness and polyamory to my spouse. It has occurred to me that this just isn't working and that we should go our separate ways.

I am now in contact with two separate women whom I've befriended for about eight years each. Although they are both quite a long distance away, I am able to connect very well writing emails and letters, along with text and phone calls. Both of these women know about each other and are thrilled that I have someone else to rely on, to connect with.

I'm not ready for a local girlfriend just yet. I'm living in a new area and don't know anyone. I'd really just like to make some local friends, men or women. I'm in the Pittsburgh area.
 
Hi there. It takes a lot of courage to make that kind of decision and pursue your own happiness. Good for you and best of luck!
 
Hey Robert,

Good to hear from you again. My condolences on the breakup, sometimes it's just the best thing for all concerned.

Hope you get settled in and find some local friends soon.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Work on What You Want

Dear ExMormon,

I suggest you take the bull by the horns a bit more and start to figure out what you really want from any woman.

You are expressing that your "love tank" is empty, to use the words of Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. I suggest you read The Five Love Languages book and identify the kind of love you want. Then work on that with your current partners to get it and to give what they need. Then you will know what you are seeking from a new partner.

You don't just have to wallow. Take action to understand yourself and to be a better lover. I guarantee that will help.

With good intentions,

AwaremanNYC
 
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