Dear Coolname,
I can feel your pain and that of your partner. 17 years down the line, 3 beautiful boys and 8 years of marriage, my husband realised he needs to pursue his poly side. I am fully monogamous and never considered the need to explore other relationships. It wasn't exactly a bomb as he always talked of not understanding monogamy but it was still a shock. Last year, when he first started talking about it, I tried but could not handle it. He decided to push his desires aside for us. You might think that would have been an end to it but I came to see that poly is a part of who he is which he has been repressing for so long. It took time, reading 'More than Two', soul searching and making sure our relationship was strong until I offered him his desired lifestyle. That was in February of this year. It was the greatest and hardest gift I could give. It has been and continues to be challenging but I know I am growing and our relationship is stronger as a result. Together we pursued his first proper relationship and now we are in a V. She is wonderful and very understanding of my needs and I can see and feel that our relationship has not changed with the addition of her. She is part of my life too in a way and I feel compassion for her when she is suffering. It's not easy for her either coming into a well-established relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I have bad days or moments and time sharing is really challenging though my husband has always had a demanding job. I had lots of anxiety when they had their first evenings together and sometimes I felt I would not be able to function properly like sleeping or enjoying food but here I am now, enjoying the fact that he is out with her so I can get an early night!! (he's a total night owl) I can play piano, watch soppy chick flicks and not feel I have to meet all his needs all the time. I look forward to our time together and we never take each other for granted. He is still a fantastic father and to be honest, practically little has changed but he is much more satisfied with life.
I did this because I love HIM, not a projected image of what I want him to be and this is part of him. He can love more than one person at once and still fully love both of us. I haven't lost my status as soul mate and the sharing communication is truly intimate.
Your partner will be terrified and feel like her world will collapse with this but it does not have to. She may not come round but it is not impossible. I am learning to be happy in this new setup now I have grieved my old relationship model. There is a great beauty in challenging yourself to overcome limits like jealousy or possessiveness which intellectually we all know are not productive or even morally right.
I hope you manage to find a way together. POly/mono is super tough but all change is. There is always hope. Good luck
