reflections
New member
Thanks for all the comments.
bookbug: I really appreciate hearing your perspective. I'm so sorry that you had such a painful experience - it sounds absolutely devastating. I have made it very clear to my husband that pulling the plug is never an option, despite how hard things got for me. I could never ask him to break his girl's (and his own) heart and live with myself afterwards. But I agree - I think no matter what I say, it's still scary for him. I'm working hard to be more in touch with my needs, while trying to absolutely minimize the impact it has on his relationship with her. He and I talked more and agreed to check back in in 3 weeks, to see how things are going. At some point, I want to include her in more of these decisions, but it's a bit too new right now.
maxnsue: I hear that you've been happily poly for a long time. I tend to view poly a bit differently than you, believing that you can have a happy and healthy poly relationship without it being a more traditional closed triad. I've heard lots of success stories on this forum (perhaps not in the relationship corner, since we're all talking about struggles here!) and from friends. I do think there will be more integration over time, becoming closer to a family structure as bonds strengthen, but I don't see ever sharing partners. My guy is still actively involved in all aspects of my life and vice versa, not just the fun and games parts, and it's not an affair to me if everyone's on the same page. I also don't think having these concerns when my husband just started a new relationship is abnormal. It's one thing to feel insecure, it's another thing to let that run your life. Sure, I wish that everything was super easy for me right off the bat. But I suspect that many poly people put in hard work and practice to get over mono-programming. This is just a temporarily hard time as I get used to lots of new changes.
bookbug: I really appreciate hearing your perspective. I'm so sorry that you had such a painful experience - it sounds absolutely devastating. I have made it very clear to my husband that pulling the plug is never an option, despite how hard things got for me. I could never ask him to break his girl's (and his own) heart and live with myself afterwards. But I agree - I think no matter what I say, it's still scary for him. I'm working hard to be more in touch with my needs, while trying to absolutely minimize the impact it has on his relationship with her. He and I talked more and agreed to check back in in 3 weeks, to see how things are going. At some point, I want to include her in more of these decisions, but it's a bit too new right now.
maxnsue: I hear that you've been happily poly for a long time. I tend to view poly a bit differently than you, believing that you can have a happy and healthy poly relationship without it being a more traditional closed triad. I've heard lots of success stories on this forum (perhaps not in the relationship corner, since we're all talking about struggles here!) and from friends. I do think there will be more integration over time, becoming closer to a family structure as bonds strengthen, but I don't see ever sharing partners. My guy is still actively involved in all aspects of my life and vice versa, not just the fun and games parts, and it's not an affair to me if everyone's on the same page. I also don't think having these concerns when my husband just started a new relationship is abnormal. It's one thing to feel insecure, it's another thing to let that run your life. Sure, I wish that everything was super easy for me right off the bat. But I suspect that many poly people put in hard work and practice to get over mono-programming. This is just a temporarily hard time as I get used to lots of new changes.
