poly-curious!

rubidoux

rubidoux

New member
I've read a few of the intros here and feel like I have something in common with all of them! Maybe I'm at the right place. :)

My husband of 25 years left me pretty suddenly seven months ago and before that, of course, I hadn't given any thought to being with anyone other than him. But since we split, I've realized that if I'm looking for one person to be my everything, I will be missing out on so many people that can share great things with me that are short of that elusive everything in one package. And somehow that realization has had a ripple affect that's made it easier for me to take all of my social contacts (friends and romantic interests) as they come and enjoy them for what they are without needing to make them fit some ideal. It's been nice and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
 
Welcome, rubidoux. I'm also coming from years of mono with the same person and appreciating the joyful variety of sexual friendships. Each is free to be who they are without a lot of need coming from my direction. It's a life changing moment for sure when you are able to appreciate people fully. So simple, yet so elusive for many (most?)
 
Greetings rubidoux,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear about losing your husband of so many years; that must have been a whopper of a heartbreak to go through. I suppose once you've "tried monogamy" and it "didn't work," you start to wonder what else is out there and maybe, just maybe, you chance upon polyamory. I think that's a good thing. I'd like to see polyamory become better and better known. And I agree with you: A polyamorous mindset does help one to just enjoy each relationship for what it is and not try to cast it into a defining box.

I hope your experience with polyamory (and nonmonogamy in general) will be a joyous one, and that Polyamory.com can help you to make it so.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
good morning...

Merry Christmas... welcome!!!

I have met so many kind and interesting people..

I Christmas day so I don't have a ton of time but I wanted to say hi..
 
rubidoux said:
. . . I've realized that if I'm looking for one person to be my everything, I will be missing out on so many people that can share great things with me that are short of that elusive everything in one package. And somehow that realization has had a ripple affect that's made it easier for me to take all of my social contacts (friends and romantic interests) as they come and enjoy them for what they are without needing to make them fit some ideal. It's been nice and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
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I love how you worded this! Sounds like a healthy perspective, especially after a traumatic split. A similar thing happened to me. It can be challenging to let go of old habits and ingrained thoughts about relationships and how they are "supposed to" go that I have been taught all my life, but I think I made the right choice to not focus all my energies on one person.

Welcome!
 
Hi, MiddleGirl! And thanks for the nice welcome! :)

And, thanks, NYC. I agree, it is kind of hard to let go of some emotional habits. I've been looking at matchdotcom a lot the last few days (bc I have to pay them for the next 57 days whether I want to or not, sigh) and everyone there seems so set on the one fairytale relationship thing. It feels almost like brainwashing to read it over and over. Makes me scared that it'll be difficult to find anyone who's interested in a non-exclusive relationship.

As of a couple of months ago I wasn't involved with anyone at all, but I had these two MUCH younger guys that were showing interest for months, but both of them would do this weird dance where they'd get closer and closer and then as soon as there was a moment that was verging on romantic, they'd all the sudden disappear for a number of weeks. It was so odd bc they don't know each other but they were both doing exactly the same thing.

It stung and disappointed a little the first couple of rounds, but I swear I've seen each of them do this several times now and it's clear to me they're interested but they're not sure for what, kwim? lol And once I realized that, I thought, hmmmmm, I also can't wrap my mind around the idea of having a monogamous-hoping-for-LTR with either of them. We enjoy being together and they're giving me what they can and that is totally FINE. And there's no need to feel hurt when they get scared and run away. And then I started reevaluating all of my relationships in that sort of framework and I decided I just loved the idea of being aware of people's limits and being accepting of what they have to offer.

So, then a couple of months ago I met a guy who's poly and he swept me off my feet. And then I had this label to put on it and I'm happy for that because I'm not sure I had quite let go of the idea of thinking that of course *someday* I'd have the traditional one partner to grow old with situation, that what I was imagining was somehow unrealistic in the long term.
 
rubidoux said:
I've been looking at matchdotcom a lot the last few days (bc I have to pay them for the next 57 days whether I want to or not, sigh) and everyone there seems so set on the one fairytale relationship thing. It feels almost like brainwashing to read it over and over. Makes me scared that it'll be difficult to find anyone who's interested in a non-exclusive relationship.
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OKCupid is poly-friendly. The structure allows for identifying oneself as non-monogamous and the search enables you to look for this as well. I've interacted with quite a few interesting and appealing people there and have made new friends (and more) with a few. Like all dating sites, you'll want to weed through the crop, but if you present yourself warmly and accurately in the profile, you'll find some good possibilities.



rubidoux said:
We enjoy being together and they're giving me what they can and that is totally FINE. And there's no need to feel hurt when they get scared and run away. And then I started reevaluating all of my relationships in that sort of framework and I decided I just loved the idea of being aware of people's limits and being accepting of what they have to offer.
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This is an awesome perspective for every relationship - a joy for me to read. \(^-^)/
 
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Okc

I agree about OKCupid. I can search for "not single" people which brings up the poly couples. You can list yourself as being in an open relationship as well. Most of the people I have met are single moms that don't have time for a full time relationship and a married man fits just fine. I would watch out for all the young guys as they are looking for short hookups. I would not give out your phone number unless you really like a person and have had multiple conversations. Be safe!
 
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