Poly flip...marriage in trouble!

[Manifestiny]

Thank you, Dirtclustit. I appreciate your thoughtful reflections on my situation. I sincerely resonate with the insights you have presented.

Treat each other with respect or else all advice attempted to be followed could doom you,

This is primarily the one that is making things difficult for me. I know that I am not being treated with respect by Amber. And I know that simple reflection is likely to activate my tendency to say and do things that are reactionary instead of aligned with my heart and mind. I can be aware of this though, and so am able to balance myself in the moment to maintain a level of respect that harbours conversation. It seems though that all conversation leads to a particular point, where Amber only offers her perspective (which I will gladly sit and listen to), completely disrespects me again in the process by invalidating me, and round and round it goes.

I am ok with this for a while, but eventually I need to eat food and get things done to survive. It has been this way for some time, to the point where it sometimes seems that all we do in our marriage is talk about her feelings.

I haven't been on holiday for 7 years. I can't get any work done properly. I can't really maintain my own health. Something has got to give.

 

[BoringGuy]

Passive-aggressive comments like this piss me off! Dealing with passive-aggressive personalities takes re-arranging your brain to get a straight answer and figure out where the real problem lies. My husband is extremely passive aggressive, and it was a real eye opener once I started reading up on how to deal with this type of personality. I recognize the signs, am now able to call him on his bullshit, and then adjust my reactions accordingly. I wish I had been clued into some of this stuff 20 years ago! It would have saved a great deal of grief.

Here's a good article on jealousy http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html

I make similar comments like that when I haven't found the words to articulate what I'm feeling, but I usually figure it out sooner rather than later and say what it is that's really bugging me. I agree that it can be manipulative. (I don't think it's true "passive-aggressive" by definition. Well, maybe it is in this case. I just think people use the term "passive-aggressive" as a catch-all phrase for when someone is being insincere or evasive, and it's a pet peeve of mine.) But sometimes it is just a way of stalling until you figure things out. It's manipulative when you use those phrases as a way of putting the other person in a no-win position, which is what it seems to be doing in the OP's situation.

 

[Manifestiny]

Passive-aggressive comments like this piss me off! Dealing with passive-aggressive personalities takes re-arranging your brain to get a straight answer and figure out where the real problem lies. My husband is extremely passive aggressive and it was a real eye opener once I started reading up on how to deal with this type of personality. I recognize the signs and am now able to call him on his bullshit, and then adjust my reactions accordingly. I wish I had been clued into some of this stuff 20 years ago.

Here's a good article on jealousy http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html

Thank you, SNeacail. I will certainly read the article. I have never thought about these comments being passive aggressive, to be honest. It does kind of feel manipulative to me. It certainly triggers an uncomfortable frustration in me. I have learned to just breathe, try to return to my heart, and not talk again until I feel like I am coming from my heart.

 

[GalaGirl]

I appreciate what you are saying, however i find this to be paradoxical. Taking things one step at a time might take forever.

Yep. They might. On the other hand, taking on everything at once right now is no good either. You can only do as much as you can do.

Giving yourself permission to think of it like "All right. One thing at a time. The one thing I will get done today, come hell or high water, is X. Anything past that is a bonus. Take a number."

That's when things categorize themselves real fast into what is "urgent," what is "important," what is both "urgent and important," and what is neither, but initially appeared to be.

As your inner climate calms down, you may find you can see things with another POV, and/or are able to take on more things, until you are back up to speed. You can do this.

Galagirl